Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
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*Demilade (29) and *Chidinma (28) met while serving as bridesmaids at a mutual friend’s wedding in 2022.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about falling for each other quietly, navigating the tension between love and privacy, and how queer community spaces have helped their relationship thrive in a country where being openly gay is still dangerous.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Demilade: It was during our friend’s wedding in June 2022. The bridal train had a WhatsApp group where everyone constantly dropped messages and voice notes, but I wasn’t very involved.
One day, someone sent a voice note about souvenirs, and the voice stood out. It was so calming and sweet. I checked to see if there was a photo, but there wasn’t. So I made a mental note to find out who she was.
Chidinma: I noticed her because she never talked. She was just there, responding “okay” to everything. I thought she was either uninterested or just trying not to get roped into drama. I remember thinking, “At least she’s not fighting anybody.”
Demilade: Fast forward to when we all got to the hotel in Ibadan, I heard the voice again, and it clicked. It was her. She looked just as good as she sounded. But I didn’t say anything beyond “hello” because, well, I wasn’t sure she was queer. She didn’t give anything away.
Chidinma: I took one look at her in ripped jeans and a baseball cap, and I was tempted to assume. She had a masculine energy, but she wasn’t loud about it. But again, I also knew better than to make assumptions about people’s sexuality, so I chalked it up to her fashion preference. We ended up in the same hotel room with three other girls. That night was chaotic and fun. We were all trying on dresses and gisting.
Did you guys have any personal moments that night?
Demilade: We did, but nothing romantic happened. I asked for help with my makeup, and Chidinma offered to do it. That was the first time she touched my face. I was low-key swooning, but I kept it together. We got along, and I liked her vibe, but I still kept my feelings to myself.
Chidinma: Same here. I thought she was cute and funny, but I also had no idea if she was queer. Plus, I don’t mix flings with friendship circles.
We were all so busy running around on the wedding day and didn’t see much of each other. I’d planned to spend one more night at the hotel, but I caught a free ride to Lagos. We followed each other on IG after the wedding, but didn’t really talk.
Right. So what happened next?
Demilade: Nothing at first. I think we’d both gotten on with our lives. It’s normal that you meet a fine person and have a temporary idea of you guys becoming an item, then you both get on with your lives.
Six months later, I met Chidinma again at a queer mutual friend’s party. What are the chances? She was the last person I was expecting to see there, but the moment she walked in, I was like, “Yep, still fine and she’s queer AF.”
Chidinma: The funny thing is, I didn’t even know the celebrant that well. I was just super bored that day and wanted to be in a space with people like me. So when an invite came from another friend who was attending, I jumped on it.
That party changed everything. Demilade and I talked in the kitchen for nearly an hour. I felt like I could let my guard down a bit. It was the first time we saw each other in the true sense of it.
Demilade: We exchanged phone numbers for the first time and spent the next couple of weeks getting to know each other. It was during this time that we talked about our sexuality openly.
Chidinma: I remember joking about assuming when we met in Ibadan, and Demilade said she’d have told me on the spot if I asked.
Anyway, we continued the whole “getting to know each other phase for a while and enjoyed each other’s company.
At what point did you realise you liked each other? And what did you do with that information?
Demilade: For me, it was after the party. The conversations flowed, and she didn’t seem performative. She listened in a way that made me feel understood. I knew I liked her, so I flirted more directly this time.
Chidinma: I also liked her, but I was nervous. I’d never been in a relationship before —just flings here and there from Grindr. She felt intentional in a way I wasn’t used to, and I tried to draw back at some point, especially when I realised that she wanted something serious.
I checked out of the relationship I was close to getting into because I realised there wouldn’t be space to hide. With flings, I didn’t have to be fully present or committed. I could get my orgasm and move on without anyone feeling hurt or used. But a relationship is different, especially for someone like me who’s still in the closet.
Did you talk to Demilade about these feelings?
Chidinma: Not at first. I didn’t want to scare her off. She was giving lots of attention, and I didn’t know how to say, “Hey, I like you, but I’m scared you’ll want more than I can give.”
So I kept things surface-level, but she noticed something was off. One night, after a call where I gave all the one-word replies possible, she asked, “Are you okay or am I starting to bore you?”
Then I told her everything; how I didn’t know how to show up in a relationship, how being queer still felt like something to hide and how I was scared of commitment.
Demilade: I appreciated her honesty but told her I wasn’t looking for another situationship. If we were doing this, I needed it to be real. But I also said I was willing to take things slow and meet her where she was, as long as we were not playing games with each other.
I knew our experiences were different. In my case, I never actually came out to my dad, who is my only living parent. He just knew. I don’t know how or when he figured it out, but he’s never brought it up, asked questions, or acted weird about it.
We kept talking for about two more months. Then one night in October 2023, after she helped me move into a new apartment, we sat and made out on my balcony. It was so intense that it felt heavenly. And she casually said we should make it official. I wasn’t sure I heard correctly, so I asked properly. She confirmed what I’d heard.
Curious. What changed your mind, Chidinma?
Chidinma: I wasn’t ready in the way most people who fall in love are, but I wanted to try. We’d gotten so close that I knew I could walk away and remain friends even if the relationship didn’t work.
Most importantly, I was convinced we could have a quiet, private relationship that wouldn’t draw unnecessary attention.
I see. So, how did dating go?
Chidinma: I wasn’t in love in the real sense of it, but I really, really liked Demilade. It was like having a best friend who also gave you orgasms and cared deeply about you. But I was also scared of what people would say if they found out.
I remember my mum jokingly asking once why I was always so excited to spend the weekend at Chidinma’s, which made me paranoid. I intentionally didn’t sleep over for the next month or so. I visited, but made it back to my house no matter how late. We had lots of good memories —our only problem was figuring out how to navigate being together publicly.
Demilade: For me, dating was great at first. She’d send me lunch during work hours, we’d spend hours on the phone, and we scheduled loads of weekend sleepovers. I was bored and in my flat on days I didn’t go to work, so I always pushed for her to visit. We’d binge-watch crime documentaries, cook together, and have great sex. But these lasted only a while. Her paranoia started showing in ways I didn’t appreciate.
Please tell me more.
Demilade: It was subtle at first. One time, she didn’t want to sleepover because of her mum’s comment. Then she wouldn’t let me post pictures of us, even if it wasn’t romantic.
Then it became bigger; she’d turn down any request to visit her at home. She didn’t want me to attend her parents’ birthday party or her brother’s engagement party. It was just somehow. She wouldn’t hold my hands or walk too close in public.
Out of interest, didn’t you expect this when you asked her out?
Demilade: The first six to eight months of our relationship weren’t like that. It was easy to get carried away, but remember that she wasn’t comfortable being as out there as I am. So when all those fears she had discussed earlier started showing up again, I didn’t know what to do.
Chidinma: Like I’ve always assured Demilade, it wasn’t about shame or not wanting to show off my partner. I’ve just always been private about my romantic life. I haven’t come out to my family, and I don’t know how they’d react if they find out. Some really close friends and about two cousins know, but they don’t bring it up. I appreciate them for that.
In those early months, hiding under the guise of friendship was easier. But then I started getting comments from my mum, “You’re going to Demilade’s place again. Won’t your boyfriend be jealous?” or “When are you bringing him home now?” So those words made me really paranoid. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s my reality.
Hmmm. So, how have you both managed to find a balance?
Demilade: It took some intentionality and a lot of talking. I knew Chidinma was private from the beginning, but I became frustrated when that privacy started to look like secrecy. I didn’t want to pressure her, but I also didn’t want to feel like I was hiding.
Eventually, we started doing the hard work of finding community. I noticed that when we were around queer friends, or in affirming spaces, she became a free, less-worried version of herself. She’d hold my hand without flinching, dance with me at parties, even steal kisses when no one was looking. So we leaned into that.
Instead of dates to fancy restaurants or cinema halls where we’d have to “perform” normalcy, we went to community events. We went to Zikoko’s Hertitude last year, and it was the most alive I’d seen her in public. She danced with me like no one was watching. That’s become our model: finding spaces where our love exists without fear.
This model sounds beautiful, but does it feel limiting sometimes?
Chidinma: It does; I won’t lie. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to calculate everything — what neighbourhood we’re going to, what to wear, what story to give my family. But the alternative is being unsafe or outing myself when I’m not ready. That’s the part I’m still working on. I’m lucky to have a partner who understands that. Honestly, building this network of community spaces, queer parties, game nights and chill hangouts has made me feel less lonely.
Fair enough. Where are you both now, emotionally and relationship-wise?
Demilade: We’ve been together for almost two years now and I’m proud of the love we’ve built. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t have days when I wish things were easier. I love her deeply — that hasn’t changed — but I often get tired of calculating how visible I can be with my own partner. What’s kept us going is that we keep talking, even when the conversations are hard. I’ve learnt that love isn’t just feelings; it’s decisions, like understanding her fear instead of resenting it and choosing to stay even when I want more.
Chidinma: I still struggle with guilt sometimes. I know there are parts of me that Demilade has had to shrink herself for. But I’ve also grown a lot since we started dating. I’m learning to show up more, to let her know I’m proud of our love, even if I can’t always show it publicly.
I still haven’t told my family, but it’ll happen someday. I’ve slowly started creating a support system that makes me feel safe. I’m not where I want to be yet, but we’ll get there together.
Have you had any major fights?
Demilade: More like an argument. It happened last April. Her cousin was throwing a house party, and I wasn’t invited. She told me it was “family only,” but I saw photos of her other friends there. I felt so hurt and excluded and I gave her a cold shoulder for a day or so. There was so much good food, and I missed out on that.
Chidinma: You didn’t miss out per se. I sent takeouts with everything we served that day. But yeah, it was a bad call on my part. I thought I was protecting her — and me — from family scrutiny. My cousins are particularly judgmental, but all I did was make her feel unwanted. We talked about it and came to a resolution.
What was the resolution? How do you think about showing up for each other now?
Demilade: The resolution wasn’t immediate, but the conversation helped. I told her I didn’t expect her to introduce me as her girlfriend at family functions, but I also didn’t want to feel like her little dirty secret. If she could bring other friends around, then she could bring me too, even if I was just “Demilade, her close friend.”
Chidinma: It was a hard pill to swallow, but she was right. Since then, I’ve been more deliberate. We’ve found small ways to bridge that gap. For example, I now invite her for casual hangouts where I know family might stop by just to create normalcy around her presence. I’m still not out to them, but I want them to know she’s important to me, even if they don’t know the full story.
Demilade: Last Christmas, I stopped by her house, and her mum packed jollof rice and chicken for me as takeout, making me feel like I was part of the family. That was super cute.
Curious. What does the future look like for your relationship?
Demilade: We talk about relocating one day. Or at least travelling more. But I don’t want to hinge our love on escape. I also want us to build something real here, as much as we safely can.
Chidinma: Same, but I’m also realistic. I’m not ready to come out yet, but I’m doing the emotional work. If this love requires more of me, I’m willing to grow into it.
Nice. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Demilade: 8.5. I wish to kiss her in public without fear. But everything else? Perfect.
Chidinma: I’ll say 9. She makes me feel seen, even when I hide. I want to get to a place where I can love her out loud. I’m working on it.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
