The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional, and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.
Aliyah* (36) moved to the UK in 2021, hoping to build a future with her husband. But when her student visa expired, everything fell apart—including her marriage. In this story, she shares how she became the dependent of a husband who cheated on her, blamed her for their fertility struggles, and eventually abandoned her without explanation in a foreign land.
Where do you currently live, and when did you move out of Nigeria?
I live in the United Kingdom (UK) and I left Nigeria in 2021.
It’s been four years. How is life in the UK going?
It’s been the opposite of everything I expected. I was married in Nigeria for two years and owned a law firm. I started experiencing financial difficulties after the COVID-19 pandemic, so I spoke to my husband, and we agreed that it was time to leave the country.
We decided to go through the study route. I chose to get a master’s degree, so the plan was that I’d go first, and my husband would join me shortly.
Is there a reason why you both couldn’t move at the same time?
We were about £1,000 (about ₦555,000) short of the money needed to move together. He promised to join me in three months, which turned into one year. It was difficult navigating life in a new country by myself.
What was it like?
I was only allowed to work for 20 hours, and I still had extra school fees to pay. I had only paid one of three school fees instalments before leaving Nigeria, which was about £7000. I was in a tough spot, so I had to do whatever I could to make money in the UK. If he had joined me sooner, we would have figured things out more easily because he could have worked here full time.
My husband eventually joined me in the UK after one year. At that time, I was officially done with my master’s but didn’t have enough money to pay for my third semester. The school fee was £21,000 in total. I paid £7,000 before I left Nigeria, and another £7,000 in the UK. I found it impossible to pay the final instalment, and though I tried explaining to the school, it didn’t change anything.
Two months after he arrived in the UK, the school informed the immigration office that I could no longer remain on the student visa. We were then given 60 days to leave the UK.
That’s horrible
It was at the time. We didn’t want to leave the UK, so we started job hunting. Getting a good job here with my Nigerian law degree was harder, but my husband works in tech, so he didn’t need extra qualifications. Luckily, he got a job that sponsored our visa. At this point, I had started noticing that something was wrong with our marriage, but I was hoping it would pass. I thought it was the stress we were going through to get the visa, but I was wrong. While we were still stuck in the visa processing phase, I caught him cheating. It was surprising and heartbreaking because he never cheated in Nigeria.
He didn’t have the financial means to cheat then, and he was the most introverted human being I’d ever met in my life. Cheating is a dealbreaker for me, so after I caught him, I was furious. The moment the visa came in, everything changed abruptly.
In what way?
He stopped consummating the marriage and talking to me in the house. I thought it was a stress-induced phase from the anxiety of not knowing whether we’d be able to stay in the UK, but I was wrong because two months after he got the visa and I became his dependent, he still wasn’t talking to me.
This went on for a long time, so one day, I went to him and practically begged him to tell me what I had done wrong, but he said it wasn’t time to talk. He was close to my parents, so I pleaded with them to ask him what was going on.
So did he say what it was?
He told them I wasn’t financially responsible. But the truth is that I was on a student visa before he came, and I could only potentially make a quarter of the money that he could make.
He wanted us to run a 50/50 household, but it didn’t seem fair. We didn’t even do that when we were in Nigeria; he paid the rent and bought food while I handled everything else he couldn’t. This was how it always was, so I found it a little strange when he had that conversation with my father.
My unemployment status after the expiration of my visa was also not my fault—we had just moved to a new town because of his job.
All the elders around us tried to help us settle our issues, but he told a different story to everybody. He told one of the elders I wasn’t losing enough weight to fight the fertility issues we had, and he told others different reasons why he was no longer speaking to me. About three months into being his dependent, he told me he was going out and wasn’t going to return home.
Did he want to separate officially?
He didn’t say. When I asked where he was going, he said it was none of my business. He left the house, and I never saw him again. He tried to get out of the lease of the house we were renting at the time, but the lease was not breakable. I tried calling, but he never picked up my calls.
So he never reached out again?
He only texted me when the house rent was due, saying he wanted my contribution. Those texts were usually insulting. When the tenancy finally expired, he came to the house to pack his stuff. That was the first and only time I had seen my husband since he had left without explanation. He simply said “Hi” and packed his belongings—everything from electronics to kitchen appliances.
After he was done packing, he asked me if I wanted to keep anything. That was one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard. After years of being the lawyer who processes divorces for others, I’ve still never heard any story like mine. I declined his offer, so he took everything and drove off.
Has he officially asked for a divorce?
No, he hasn’t. I am still on his visa, so if he files for divorce, I would have to go back to Nigeria. It’s been hard to get a job that will sponsor my visa. I’ve been trying to get more qualifications so I can finally move on with my life, but it’s been tough so far. I really look forward to getting a job that will sponsor my visa because the moment I do, I’ll file for a divorce myself.
Did you notice any marriage cracks before moving to the UK?
We had only been married for two years and didn’t have issues that couldn’t be fixed. There have always been red flags, but I didn’t think things could get so bad in the UK.
When we were newly married, we mutually agreed to relocate to the UK in a few years. But he mostly left me to figure things out during the relocation process. Then, one day, he thanked me for moving forward with the process because he didn’t believe it would be financially possible. It was weird because he never mentioned that he was financially incapable of handling things; he just left me to figure everything out.
Looking back at our marriage in Nigeria, I think I only got love and respect because of my money. He had a way of constantly celebrating me whenever I made financial decisions that made his life easier. I was oblivious to it then, but I know now that he was worshipping the money. He was earning ₦200,000 in Nigeria, and I earned more than that. When I moved here, I didn’t have that kind of money anymore, so it meant that the one thing that made him value me was gone.
I’m so sorry.
Thank you. While we were in Nigeria, I liked being spontaneous. There were days when I’d plan surprise dates and handle all the bills. I also bought him designer gifts constantly, and those were the parts of the marriage he liked. Those were the kind of things that brought out his most affectionate side.
At what point did you realise the marriage couldn’t be saved?
I don’t think we had one of those moments. Before he came here, I told him about my financial situation and how I had accumulated debt to pay my school fees.
The plan was for him to help me get back on my feet while we figure out the rest of our lives. The job he got paid £4,000 per month, and our bills were below £1000. I thought he would offer to cover the bills since the odd jobs I picked up to survive paid less than he earned, and I had debt to clear. But he didn’t. Instead, he was upset. He started complaining about how he hadn’t eaten out since he moved to the UK and how he wasn’t living the life he thought he would live here. I had to get him takeout that day to make him happy.
As time passed, he started acting out completely. He bought his kitchen utensils and started cooking his meals. He also made demarcations in the fridge and picked out his side. He’d also label his food with his name and store it on the “his side” of the refrigerator. But these things didn’t start until he completely got off my visa. That was probably because he knew I could take him off. I honestly can’t tell because he never told me what was happening in his head.
Was there any point that you talked things over as a couple while this was going on?
He never spoke directly to me. All I know is what he told my parents and those around us, but he never talked to me about whatever I did wrong. He also didn’t seem interested in fixing things.
I’m so sorry about that. How are you starting over in the UK?
When he left, I was relieved because I was tired of fighting. I made a one-year plan to start over, but it didn’t work. I told everybody that I was okay, but I really wasn’t. My emotions got the best of me. At some point, I became hypertensive.
That’s horrible. On a scale of one to ten, how happy would you say you are in the UK?
I’d say two. I know everything happens for a reason, but if I’m being candid, I’m not a happy person right now.
Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. For new episodes of Abroad Life, check in every Friday at 12 PM (WAT).
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