Jealousy is a universal emotion — everyone has felt its sting at some point. But when it comes to romance, the feeling tends to cut even deeper.
If you’re monogamous, it’s easy to assume that polyamorous people have somehow mastered the art of jealousy-free love. After all, they’re out here juggling multiple relationships while you’re still waiting for your Instagram crush from 2018 to finally notice you.
But the truth is, jealousy doesn’t vanish just because you’re dating more than one person. If anything, it’s like that uninvited guest who crashes the party, hogs all the small chops, and then complains about the playlist.
Curious about how people in polyamorous relationships handle jealousy, I reached out to a few of them. The responses were eye-opening, not just about managing jealousy in polyamory but also about practical tips anyone can use to keep the green-eyed monster in check.
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“I explain to them that there is a hierarchy in my life.” – Ben, M, 32
How do you talk to your partners about jealousy?
I’ve had a lot of experience with this, especially with partners who were previously only in monogamous relationships. My approach is to have an open discussion about my hierarchy of needs and expectations.
I explain to them that my platonic friends come first, even before romantic relationships. Then I explain my perspective on romantic relationships, which is that I enter romantic relationships for companionship, not dependency, whether emotional or physical. Most of my emotional needs are met by existing platonic relationships; my romantic relationships are about exploring romantic attraction.
I also make it clear that companionship, for me, means experiencing romantic love with someone without expecting them to meet all my needs.
Regardless of whether a relationship is monogamous or polyamorous, each person has a responsibility to clearly communicate their needs and trust that their partner will respect them. It’s my responsibility to ensure my partner’s needs are met within our relationship and to prevent past unhappiness, trauma, or unspoken expectations from bleeding into it. After all, needs that aren’t communicated can’t be met.
What’s something about navigating jealousy you think everyone should know/practice?
Jealousy toward another partner can often be reframed by asking a simple question: Is this a want or a need? Do you want this only because someone else is getting it, or is it something essential for your happiness in the relationship? Being honest about the answer almost always takes the edge off jealousy and helps shift the focus to what truly matters.
“Polyamory takes a lot more emotional bandwidth than mono relationships.” — Sam, M, 31
How do you talk to your partners about jealousy?
I do feel jealous sometimes, but I wouldn’t call myself a jealous person. When jealousy comes up — whether for me or my partners — we acknowledge it, talk through our needs and expectations, and offer plenty of reassurance.
What’s something about navigating jealousy you think everyone should know/practice?
Jealousy is natural in any relationship, especially in polyamory, and it’s something every partner or polycule should expect. What’s not okay is acting on that jealousy by projecting fears or insecurities onto a partner.
When jealousy comes up, communication is key. Making your partners feel loved, desired, and appreciated helps keep things grounded. If possible, pinpoint exactly what triggered your jealousy and find a healthy way to address it. Polyamory requires more emotional bandwidth than monogamy, so navigating difficult emotions is part of the work that comes with it.
“I think everyone should know that jealousy is normal and to be expected.” — Nabila, F, 23
How do you talk to your partners about jealousy?
I don’t think of myself as a jealous person. Most things that should make me jealous don’t really affect me, and when I do feel jealous, I take time to process it on my own before bringing it up with my partners.
How I talk about jealousy depends on how serious it is. Sometimes, it’s as simple as saying, “God, I’m so jealous; I wish that was me.” But if it’s something deeper, I sit with it, figure out why I’m feeling that way, and think about what might help. When I do bring it up, my partners usually try to help if they can.
That said, I only share serious jealousy if there’s something they can actually do about it. If I feel jealous that they live with another partner, for example, what can they really do? In cases like that, I might just mention it in passing so they’re aware, but I don’t dwell on it.
What’s something about navigating jealousy you think everyone should know/practice?
Everyone should understand that jealousy is completely normal, even in polyamorous relationships. There’s a common misconception that polyam people don’t experience jealousy, but that’s simply not true.
What really helps is identifying the source of your jealousy. Sometimes, it has nothing to do with what your partners are doing, and realizing that can change how you approach the situation entirely.
“Am I really jealous or just upset at a broken promise?” Princess, F, 25
How do you talk to your partners about jealousy?
I’m not a jealous person. I don’t think I ever really have been. Jealousy only comes up for me when a partner does something for someone else that they never did for me or when something I considered ours is shared with someone new.
For example, if you once told me you’d never go dancing but then take someone dancing on a first date, that would sting. Or if Tuesdays were always our movie nights and suddenly you’re spending Tuesdays with someone else, I’d feel a certain way.
That said, I see jealousy as just another emotion like happiness, joy, or love, and I approach it that way in my relationships. I ask myself: Why am I jealous? Did my partner contribute to this feeling? Am I really jealous, or just upset about a broken promise? How can my partner reassure me? What can we do to prevent this from happening again?
From there, we talk it through, process the emotions, and try to apply what we’ve learned to strengthen our relationship.
READ ALSO: I Relocated and Asked My Mum to Care for My Kids. It Was a Mistake
What’s something about navigating jealousy you think everyone should know/practice?
Communication is the most important thing. There’s nothing wrong with feeling jealous — it’s how you handle it that matters. If you don’t talk to your partner about it, they won’t know they’re making you feel that way, and the jealousy can fester into something worse. It can turn into resentment, anger, or even aggression, all of which are unnecessary and avoidable.
When jealousy comes up, take a step back and interrogate the feeling. Ask yourself why you feel this way, how it started, and when it began. Understanding the root of the emotion makes it easier to express to your partner in a way that leads to a solution.
Jealousy isn’t exclusive to polyamory. Monogamous people often experience it just as much, if not more. I just wish more people communicated their feelings instead of bottling them up and taking them out on others.
What To Do When You Feel Jealous
Accept that jealousy is normal: First of all, remember that jealousy isn’t a flaw or a failure. It’s a natural emotion that will come up at some point in your relationship. The key isn’t avoiding it but learning how to manage it in a way that strengthens your connection.
Interrogate the feeling: Jealousy doesn’t come out of nowhere. Ask yourself how, why, who, and what is making you feel this way. Being honest with yourself is key so you don’t unconsciously take your emotions out on others.
A closed mouth is a closed destiny: Talk to your partner(s) about your feelings. An open, honest conversation can clear up misunderstandings and help you work through jealousy in a healthy way.
If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll also enjoy reading this: Love Life: We Went From an Open Relationship to Polyamory
