Many Nigerian kids grew up hearing folktales about the crafty tortoise and eventually came to realise that Mr Tortoise, or Ijapa as he is sometimes called, is the worst scammer in the business. Here are 10 funny tortoise stories we’ll never forget. 

1. Tortoise in the sky

In this story, Tortoise tapped into his inner Nigerian politician and asked for a feather from every bird so that he could make wings to follow them to a feast in the sky he wasn’t invited to. After taking advantage of their kindness, he tricked them by making them change their names for this party. He chose the name “All of you,” which led to this dirty bitch eating all the food and drinks that the party organisers offered to “All of you”. The birds got pissed, collected their feathers, and left him stranded in the clouds. This shameless animal still had the guts to beg one of the birds to bring out all the soft things in his house so he could jump from the cloud. Already over tortoise’s nonsense,the bird brought out the strongest materials in his house for the tortoise to land on. Mr Tortoise jumped and doomed his species to an eternity of cracked shells. 

2. Why the tortoise has a cracked shell

One day, the lizard was carrying his yam home when he came across the tortoise, who asked where he had gotten the yam. The lizard agreed to tell him on the condition that the tortoise kept it a secret. The tortoise promised, so the lizard told him to meet him the next morning and that he would take him to the secret cave.

Early the next morning, before the first cock crowed, the lizard and tortoise set off for the cave. When they arrived, the lizard rolled away the rock, revealing the entrance. The tortoise was amazed. Inside the cave were more yams than even his greedy self could eat.

The lizard took one yam and headed home, but the tortoise was not satisfied. He wanted to take as many yams as he could carry. While he was still greedily gathering yams, the farmer arrived and caught him. By that time, the lizard had already reached home, eaten his yam, and was napping.

The farmer asked the tortoise how he found the cave, and the tortoise quickly blamed the lizard. Furious, the farmer dragged the tortoise to the lizard’s house. There, they found the lizard lying on his back. When the farmer accused him of bringing the tortoise to the cave, the lizard, shocked, denied it, saying he had been lying on his back all day because he was unwell.

In his anger, the farmer threw the tortoise against the wall, shattering his shell. The tortoise cried out to the forest insects, who came to help him gather the pieces and glue them back together. And that’s how the tortoise ended up with a cracked shell.

3. The Tortoise and the Wisdom gourd

One thing about the stories starring Tortoise is how illogical it can be. In this story, Tortoise was distressed because he wanted to be the wisest person in the world. So he gathered all of the world’s wisdom into a gourd, which totally makes sense and took a long trip to the biggest tree he could find so as to hide his new treasure. When he found it, he noticed that his son had been following him. With all the knowledge he had, he didn’t know how he’d be able to climb the tree while holding the gourd. His son told him to put the gourd on his back so he could climb it. He was confused at how smart his son was since he had collected all the wisdom in the world. Realising how foolish his quest was, the tortoise smashed the gourd and went back home. 

4. The tortoise and the dove

In a certain land, the Tortoise and the Dove became good friends. The Dove was a stammerer, so he struggled to speak clearly. They lived and ate together in harmony.

One day, the Tortoise made a law: if you must to eat, you must pronounce your name correctly. When it was time to eat porridge, the tortoise proudly shouted his name, crawled up to the food, and began eating. The poor dove tried to say his name, but all that came out was, “Dodovo, Dod, Dovoo.” He couldn’t say it right, no matter how hard he tried, so the tortoise ate all the food.

The following day, it was the dove’s turn to make a law. His rule was that you must wash your hands without soiling them before eating. The meal was soup. The dove easily washed his hands and flew up to eat. The tortoise, however, could only crawl, and as he moved, he kept soiling his hands. He tried several times but couldn’t do it without getting dirty. Frustrated, the tortoise sat down and cried as the dove finished the soup. After this, they both agreed to stop making selfish rules and lived in peace once again.

5. Tortoise and monkey

Turns out that the tortoise and the monkey used to be friends a long time ago, but one day, the monkey cheated Mr tortoise. Instead of taking accountability for his actions, the monkey laughed in the tortoise’s face and refused to apologize. Tortoise went home and asked his wife to prepare the sweetest bean cakes she’d ever made. When it was ready, Mr Tortoise took it to the Lion and offered some to him. Lion loved it so much, he had to know where he could get some. Tortoise lied that it was made with monkey’s faeces and to get it that sweet, he had to be severely beaten. Lion immediately dashed off to the monkey’s house and demanded that the monkey produce bean cakes. Monkey tried to explain that there must’ve been a misunderstanding but was immediately beaten to a pulp by Lion. Lion eventually realized that he had been a pawn in the tortoise game and leaves. Tortoise, who had watched the whole thing play out, came out from his hiding place to laugh at him. The jungle is tough sha.

6. The tortoise and the princess

In this tortoise story, there was a king with a beautiful daughter who wanted to marry her off so he organised a contest and invited all the eligible men in the land. He ordered his chefs to make the hottest pepper soup and, on the day of the contest revealed that whoever won his daughter’s hand in marriage would be someone who could drink the pepper soup without showing discomfort. All the men and animals tried to drink the pepper soup but could not hold back. When it was Tortoise’s turn, he devised a plan. He told the crowd that he was going to sing a song for the princess and that anytime he drinks from the bowl, they should all collectively hiss. The tortoise then used their loud hiss to cover up his as they enjoyed the song too much to notice. He soon finished the soup, and while the king was sad to hand his beautiful daughter to a tortoise, he had made a vow and could not go back on it. The tortoise should be in jail.

7. Why the Tortoise has a bald head

Turns out that tortoises used to have hair before. Long ago, Mr dog and his family were making porridge yam, like the evil spirit he is, Mr Tortoise somehow smelt and followed the aroma to the dog’s house. Instead of asking for a plate like a sensible person, Tortoise decided to lie that the king had summoned Mr dog and his family, Tortoise promised to safeguard his house while they were away. As soon as they left, he began to eat as much as he could, knowing that they would hurry back as soon as they realized that the king wasn’t even around. He heard them approaching and decided to take some porridge home for his family but he had nothing to put it in, he got the brilliant idea to stuff the porridge in his hat and wear it. Mr dog came back and was so annoyed that Tortoise had wasted his time and they argued for a bit when all the tortoise wanted to do was rush home. The pain eventually got too much for the tortoise to bear, so he removed his hat and the porridge along with his hair fell out to everyone’s dismay. That’s why Tortoises are bald. 

8. The tortoise and the magic drum

Once upon a time, a king owned a magical drum that could summon a feast whenever it was beaten. The king generously shared his wealth with the entire kingdom, making sure everyone—from antelopes to farmers, milkmaids to elephants, bakers to babies—was happy and content. In this way, the land remained peaceful, and there was never any fighting.

However, the magic of the drum came with one condition: the owner must never step on a fallen branch. If he did, the juju would disappear, and the drum would bring trouble.

One day, Tortoise, who had grown tired of his endless work collecting nuts for his family, began to envy the king. As he worked in a tree, one of his nuts fell to the ground, where a woman happened to pick it up and eat it.

“You ate my palm nut!” Tortoise cried.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was yours,” she replied.

This gave Tortoise an idea. “I work hard every day, and now you’ve stolen my family’s food. I must report you to the king.”

The woman, who was the king’s wife, offered to escort Tortoise to the palace to resolve the issue. When they arrived, Tortoise reported the theft. The generous king said, “I’m sorry about the misunderstanding. Please, take whatever you like from the palace to make up for it.”

Tortoise wandered through the palace, eyeing the treasures, until he came upon the drum. “I’ll take that drum,” he declared. True to his word, the king gave Tortoise the drum but didn’t tell him about its magical secret. Tortoise hurried home, excitedly telling his family, “We’re rich!” He beat the drum, and a magnificent feast appeared. For months, the family did nothing but eat. Tortoise stopped working, grew fat, and became boastful, showing off his newfound wealth.

One day, as he walked around bragging, Tortoise tripped over a stick. Later, when he tried to use the drum again, instead of a feast, enemies poured into his house and attacked him, shouting, “We’ll make war on you forever!”Terrified, Tortoise gathered his family and fled to the riverbank, where they’ve lived ever since, surviving on fallen fruits, slugs, millipedes, snails, and worms.

No one knows where the magical drum went. But everyone still searches for it, dreaming of a world where peace reigns.

9. The tortoise and hippopotamus 

Many years ago, the hippopotamus, named Isantim, was a powerful king, second only to the elephant. He had seven large, fat wives whom he cherished dearly. Occasionally, Hippo would host grand feasts, but there was a mystery—no one, apart from his wives, knew his name.

At one such feast, just as the people were about to eat, Isantim declared, “You have come to dine, but none of you know my name. If you cannot guess it, you’ll all leave without your meal.”

Since no one could guess, they had to leave, leaving behind all the delicious food and palm wine. But before they went, Tortoise stood up and asked Hippo what he would do if his name was revealed at the next feast. Isantim, confident no one could guess his name, replied, “If you tell my name, I and my whole family will leave the land and live in the water forever.”

Now, every morning and evening, Hippo and his wives went to the river to bathe and drink, a routine Tortoise knew well. Hippo always led the way, followed by his wives. One day, when they went to bathe, Tortoise dug a small hole in their path and hid nearby, leaving part of his shell exposed.

As the hippo wives returned from the river, two of them lagged behind. One of them stubbed her foot on Tortoise’s shell and cried out, “Oh, Isantim, my husband, I’ve hurt my foot!”

Hearing this, Tortoise was thrilled. He had discovered Hippo’s name and rushed home, eager for the next feast. At the next feast, Hippo repeated his challenge about his name. Tortoise stood up and asked, “You promise you won’t harm me if I reveal your name?” Hippo promised, and Tortoise shouted, “Your name is Isantim!”

The people cheered, and they all sat down to eat. True to his word, Hippo, with his seven wives, moved to the river and has lived in the water ever since. Though they come ashore to feed at night, you’ll never find a hippo on land during the day.

10. Tortoise and Yannibo

Several years ago, Tortoise and his wife, Yannibo, struggled to have children. Despite all their efforts, they remained childless, and frustration began to set in.

Desperate for a solution, Tortoise visited a herbalist to seek help. After listening to his story, the herbalist prepared a special concoction for Yannibo. It was made from mushrooms, bushmeat, and fish stew, and it smelled delicious. However, the herbalist warned Tortoise several times not to taste the concoction, as it was meant solely for his wife. Tortoise thanked him and placed the calabash containing the mixture in his bag.

On his way home, the aroma of the concoction became overwhelming. Tortoise tried to resist, but his greed and love for food got the better of him. Unable to control himself, he sat under a tree, took out the calabash, and defied the herbalist’s instructions by eating the entire concoction, leaving none for his wife.

As Tortoise stood to leave, he felt strange movements in his stomach. Suddenly, his belly began to swell—he was pregnant.

Panicking, Tortoise realised he couldn’t return home to his wife after what he’d done, and he was too ashamed to go back to the herbalist. In despair, he began to cry, but then an idea struck him. He decided to return to the herbalist, explaining what had happened through a song.

When Yannibo heard the song, she became furious, realising what her husband had done. The concoction, meant to help her conceive, had instead affected Tortoise. The herbalist was equally enraged and kept shouting, “Didn’t I tell you not to drink the soup? Didn’t I warn you?”

In great pain and regret, Tortoise eventually died a few hours later in Yannibo’s arms.

Enjoyed these tortoise stories? Read this next: 7 Animals You Shouldn’t Turn Into in Nigeria

---