Network provider

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Sometimes, it feels like the tag ISP—Internet Service Provider —means something else entirely because there’s no actual “providing” going on.

After a particularly frustrating week, Zikoko rounded up Nigeria’s major ISPs to get to the root of the matter and ask one simple question: Where did our network go?

[Zikoko arrives at a quaint bistro on the Mainland and spends fifteen minutes trying to pay the Uber driver because, of course, there’s no network. The driver finally confirms payment, and Zikoko walks away, muttering unpleasant words for the unnecessary delay. Ahead, Airtel, MTN and Spectranet are already seated, their flashy colours drawing unwanted attraction. Zikoko joins the table and goes straight to business.]

Zikoko: I see Glo and FiberOne are late.

Airtel: [bursts into giggles]

Spectranet: Are you surprised?

MTN: They love an “African time” arrival.

Zikoko: Is that so?

Airtel: Yes—

Zikoko: It wasn’t a question. Anyway, we’ll start without them.

I’d say “good afternoon,” but there’s nothing good about this afternoon.

Airtel: Easy tiger.

Zikoko: You must think I’m here for jokes, right? It took me twenty minutes to pay my cab fare because none of you were working, and you have the audacity to tell me “easy”. Are you—

Spectranet: Fifteen minutes actually.

(Zikoko shoots Spectranet a stone-cold look)

Zikoko: Excuse me?

MTN (whispering): Guy, behave!

Spectranet: What? I was counting.

Zikoko: Since you guys are keeping tabs, can y’all explain why your networks keep disappearing? Bloody hell!

MTN: First of all, I don’t “go off.” I simply select who deserves internet. If you have bad vibes, you buffer. Simple.

Airtel: My users are soft life people. If I ever go off, it’s because I’m resting and they understand the importance of rest. All work and no play—

MTN: makes Jack an olodo.

Zikoko (visibly irritated): Are you guys being for real?

Spectranet: Listen, I don’t know what they’re both on about. All I know is, Nigerians don’t know how to use delicate devices. If you’re treating your MiFi device like a ball of eba, how will it work? Have you tried putting it on a silk pillow strategically facing the North-West? No, yet you want good internet. SMH.

Zikoko: You guys are making no sense, and no one has answered the question. Why am I paying ridiculous sums for internet that shows up when it likes?

Unknown: Guys!!!

(All meeting attendants, including Zikoko, turn a sharp gaze toward the entrance)

MTN: Who is that one?

Airtel (adjusts antenna): Erm…

Spectranet: Oh, slow with pride.

Glo [Still shouting]: So you guys started without me?

Zikoko: You arrived late and still want to create a scene. Is this the time we agreed on?

Glo: Hey, it’s better late than never, right?

Zikoko: You honestly should have stayed at home. But now that you are here, can you explain why the network has been slow? I’m not sure these other ones know what they’re getting paid for.

MTN: Easy tiger.

Zikoko: If you call me tiger again, I’ll involve the NCC. I have him on speed dial.

Airtel (mutters): It’s giving military regime.

MTN: I—

Zikoko: Shhhh! Glo, answer the question, please.

Glo: Well, I can’t speak for everybody, but last I checked, we still have paying customers. That must mean we’re getting something right. Yes, the internet may be bad from time to time, but who no dey face challenges for this current Nigeria?

(MTN, Spectranet and Airtel break into thunderous applause)

Zikoko (startled): What’s going on here?

Airtel: I think you can hear him clearly? Everybody is going through it in Nigeria. You should be grateful we’re even showing up at all.

MTN & Airtel (together): Preach!

Zikoko: I see what you people are trying to do. But it won’t work. You collect my hard earned money and want to blame your poor service on Nigeria?

(Zikoko pulls out phone. Scrolls through contact list and lands on the FCCPC’s number. But a deafening whirling sound envelopes the place. From a distance, FiberOne and Starlink climb down from a chopper.)

Spectranet (scoffs): Always the one for drama. Abegii.

MTN: Where did they see money for a chopper?

Airtel: Maybe it’s from all the money they saved from not giving their customers network. Rubbish and ingredients—

Glo: If you must hate, at least tell the truth. Their customers enjoy basic service. Above average if my sources are right.

Zikoko: Listen, I’m not interested in this side talk you people are on about. I want a solution, and if somebody doesn’t provide one in the next minute, I’m calling FCCPC.

(Starlink and FiberOne take their seats, only acknowledging Zikoko)

Zikoko: So gracious of you people to bless us with your presence. Now that you have arrived, do you know why paying customers cannot enjoy uninterrupted internet?

Starlink (adjusts outfit): Well, I shouldn’t even be here in the first place. F1 told me the povvos were meeting on the mainland yapping about low quality problems, and I thought to drop by. But since I’m here and you’ve posed the question, I only have one answer: Anyone with the financial—

Airtel: Ehn! What do you think you want to do? My friend will you keep quiet there!

MTN: Tell him o. Imagine the pompous goat trying to poach our customers.

Glo: Genzs are all the same everywhere. They just want to come and take with no regard for the people before them.

(Spectranet breaks into Sound Sultan’s Bushmeat. MTN, Glo and Airtel join in)

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Zikoko (sighs): Guys, guys, guys…

(Loud singing continues. Starlink and FiberOne storm out of the building.)

Zikoko (speaking on phone): Hello, is this the FCCPC?

(On the other side of town, 9Mobile frantically jumps out of bed.)

Zikoko: Wait, I think we forgot to about 9Mobile.

Them: Who???

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Telecommunications subscribers across the country are enjoying the exciting benefits on offer in the newly announced price plan by Globacom, Berekete Plus Plus.

Most notable among the benefits is a 700% bonus- 400% for voice and 300% for data on every recharge, to call all networks in Nigeria. Berekete Plus Plus, allows customers to talk endlessly to friends, loved ones, and business partners. It also gives an opportunity for quality browsing time, massive downloads, and the opportunity to watch movies on Glo TV, thus satisfying their browsing and talking needs from the same recharge.

According to Globacom, “With the offering, every new customer gets a welcome bonus of N1,000 upon successful activation of their lines, which involves registering the SIM, recharging with a minimum of N100, and making the first call. The welcome bonus includes N800 to call all networks at the rate of 75 kobo per second, while N200 will be used for data, which equals 200MB data.

The welcome bonus is however a one-off benefit.” “All recharge of N100 comes with N400 voice bonus for calls to all networks as well as 100MB data bonus on the first recharge of the month for browsing. Similarly, N500 recharge gives 550MB data bonus on the first recharge of the month and N2,000 voice bonus for calls to all networks. Also, customers recharging with N1, 000 will be rewarded with N4,000 voice bonus for calls to all networks and 1,100MB data bonus on the first recharge of the month”. The statement is further explained.

In addition to the benefits above, new customers on the plan will also enjoy an additional data bonus on the first recharge of the month, every month for six months. The Berekete Plus Plus package also includes up to 100% bonus on every data plan purchased by customers every month for 4 months.

The statement concluded by noting that “New customers on the Glo network get on Berekete Plus Plus platform by default while existing prepaid customers can subscribe to the plan by dialing *777# after which they will instantly be able to enjoy the 700% bonus on all recharges. They will, however, not be entitled to the one-off welcome bonus”.