Marriage is not a joke. Period. To have an idea of what it really entails, I spoke to eight married people. Some have been married for a year, others 5 years, and some for fourteen years.
Here’s what they had to say:
Kay/Male/Married for 5 years.
Basically, money. Money brings peace of mind and also love. Money even makes it easy for your wife to compromise in a lot of situations. In marriage, a busy man with money is better than a broke man with time.
Victor/Male/Married for more than 10 years.
There are a lot of factors that keep one married but the most important ones are Trust, Communication, and Friendship.
When trust is broken in marriage, a lot of times people go their separate ways. However, as soon as it is broken, if you can accept your fault, you can immediately turn it around for good.
Communication can never be overemphasized when you are married. Communication is likened to accountability. Say where you are at each time. Know how each other’s day went. Talk about everything and anything.
Friendship is enjoying each other’s company and not the company of an outsider. Do everything together. You must like them as a person because love is not enough.
Olaitan/Female/Married for 1 year.
See, we are just winging this marriage thing. Sometimes, you want to go back to being single because you can take decisions for yourself and by yourself alone.
For instance, if I want a particular kind of house and I can afford it, as a single person, I’d definitely get the house. In marriage, if my partner doesn’t like that kind of house, I have to consider his feelings and look for common ground. I can’t do agidi and say this is what I want.
However, I also try not to compromise all the time so that I don’t lose myself. Sometimes, I try to get my way. Especially on issues that affect me personally – like my dressing or stuff. But not on big issues that affect both of us.
If you want to continue being selfish, please don’t get married.
Chi-chi/Female/Married for 8 years.
I realized that for you to stay married, you would have to start preparing yourself from when you’re single.
What do I mean?
I encourage every person to find their individuality. To learn more about themselves. What makes you happy? How do you want to be loved? What irks you? How do you show love? Know these things so that when you see it, you’d identify it. Not knowing would mean having to discover and love yourself in marriage. This is a recipe for disaster and definitely requires more work.
Also, you have to be prepared to love. Love in spite of. Because asides from seeing the things you love in your spouse, you’d discover things you may not have anticipated. Another thing is to be committed to loving your spouse especially in the way he/she wants to be loved.
Damola/Female/Married for a long time.
One word – Tolerance. With tolerance, both spouses can understand each other and then create a strong bond. Tolerance entails respect, acceptance, appreciation. It’s just the same way you tolerate roommates in school.
Habeebat/Female/Married for 4 years.
Before I got married, my mum and aunties told me that three “soft skills” are important for a lasting marriage – patience, perseverance and overlooking. They shared so many examples of how they handled issues that I began to think I was better off in my father’s house after all.
From my own experience, I have found out that communication is vital. It’s a life skill to know when to let a matter rest, and the appropriate moment to bring it up. I had to learn to not drop a matter “as e dey hot”. It’s also important to look at issues from your partner’s perspective and acknowledge it, even if you don’t agree with it.
Finally, patience and perseverance doesn’t mean losing your self respect. It’s a balance between understanding where your partner is coming from, and waiting till they reach where you want them to be. Especially in your requirements of love. Lastly, you must be able to overlook things like in-laws. Those ones are the part of the marriage package.
Lekan/Male.
Patience, sacrifice, and a lot of unlooking should do the trick.
Emmanuel/ Male/ Married for 11 years.
At the end of it all, regardless of all what you do, there’s an element of luck/favour/grace to this marriage thing. You can marry who you think is right for you at that time, and life changes them. They start to become different people over the course of the marriage. At the end of the day, there’s no rule to this thing. Just enjoy each day as it comes and one day you’ll see that you’ve been married for a long long time. If it doesn’t work out for you, it’s not the end of the world.
Having a failed marriage is not a death sentence.
What do you think? Share with us in the comments section.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 34-year-old heterosexual man who’s been married for half a decade. He talks about racking up a body count of over 350 in his 20s and how things have changed since he settled down.
What was your first sexual experience?
I grew up as a church kid, so I was team ‘virginity until marriage’. All through secondary school, the occasional hug got me so excited. Whenever it happened, I would feel like I was eating the forbidden fruit. Yes, I’m still talking about just hugging.
It was a lot. I even remember ending a relationship because we kissed. I think I was in SS1. I kissed her and for like two weeks, I was riddled with so much guilt. I just had to break up with her.
Wow. What happened after secondary school?
You know how this story goes now. I entered university and started rolling with “bad boys”. That’s also the period I realised I was conventionally attractive, so I started making out with a lot of babes.
The first proper sexual experience I had was getting head when I was 17. It was with a babe I had met on hi5. That’s the moment I realised this thing I had been running from was actually sweet. The next year, I had penetrative sex for the first time.
Were you still religious at this point?
I would say yes, but I was already halfway into rebellion. So, I still prayed and read my bible, but it wasn’t uncommon for me to go straight from the club on Saturday night to my church on Sunday morning, complete with a hangover.
I remember praying for forgiveness A LOT.
So, what was penetrative sex like for you?
I won’t lie, it was disappointing as fuck. Since I had initially planned to save myself for marriage, I was expecting my first time to end up being some kind of magical, almost cinematic moment. It wasn’t even close to that.
It happened after I went out with a bunch of friends. Couples were pairing up for the night, and the last people standing were me, one babe and another guy. I was still dulling, but the babe just got up and told the other guy to be going to his house.
After he left, she led me into a room and brought out a condom. I didn’t tell her it was my first time, but it must have been clear that I didn’t know what I was doing. After like three thrusts, my boner disappeared and we ended up gisting for the rest of the night.
LMAO. Ah. What happened next?
Literally the next morning, I went on the internet to research everything I could about sex — from positions to foreplay. I gave myself time to prepare. It was like all those action movie montages where the hero is training for a rematch after getting brushed.
Don’t kill me. How long did you train before your “rematch”?
About a month or two. The next time was much better, but there was a catch: I didn’t come. In fact, I had sex about 10 more times with three different partners before I had an orgasm.
Wait. What?
Yup. I would just keep thrusting until I lost my boner.
Were you even enjoying the sex?
Do I know? At that point, I was foolishly measuring my enjoyment by how many rounds I could do. So, I can’t tell you whether I was actually enjoying it. All I can tell you is that I was feeling myself because I was “beating that pussy up”.
So, when did you eventually orgasm from sex?
It happened when I met this older woman. I was 20 and she was 25. After we’d had sex twice, I confided in her that I thought I might be impotent. She helped me unpack my entire approach to sex, which was really me just treating it like a competition.
She taught me to focus on mutual pleasure. I’ve never forgotten that. She was the first person I had an orgasm with. We stopped hooking up after she got married, even though she was engaged when we met.
Seriously? That wasn’t an issue for you?
Nah. I even hooked up with a few other married babes. Honestly, I had a pretty wild run in my 20s. You know how they say once a good person goes bad, they basically fly off the deep end? That was me.
Just how wild are we talking here?
Guy, I was a bastard. I slept with about 350 women, both at home and abroad. I lived in multiple cities where I was the token black guy, so I ended up giving a lot of white women their “black experience”. I know it’s dumb, but I was really doing the most.
When did you cool down?
The older I got, the more exhausting the whole thing became. So, I eventually decided to focus all that energy into my work. By the time I met my wife, I’d been out of the game for a little while. I was ready to enter the next level of maturity.
So, what’s your sex life like now these days?
Married.
LMAO. What does that even mean?
I heard this joke that pretty much sums it up. If you put a coin in a jar for every time you have sex in the first year of marriage, and then remove one every time you have sex in the second year, you’ll still have a full jar.
That being said, my sex life isn’t actually bad. Considering the fact that we’ve been married for over five years and have two kids, I think it’s safe to say that we are not doing terribly in that department.
How was it when you first met?
We lived in different cities when we were still dating, so whenever I travelled to her city, there was this sense of urgency. We’d have sex non-stop. We only took breaks to eat and drink water. Then we got married and both decided to move back to Nigeria.
We were still having a lot of sex for a while. She got pregnant within the first year.
How often would you say you have sex now?
On average, we have sex once a week. Moods permitting on both our parts, but mostly hers. Thankfully, we’ve gotten into a rhythm where we try to have sex consistently enough to keep the passion alive, even though it can feel a bit too scheduled.
Once in a while, when I do something nice — like randomly send her money or buy her a shoe she was eyeing — I know I’m having sex more than twice that week. That also applies to random small gestures too, like sending flowers or visiting her at work.
Is once a week enough for you?
It was tough at first, but I’ve learnt to accept it. Sure, I could do with more, but I’m not complaining. Every now and then, I do get more. Sometimes we reach three times a week out of nowhere, and I’m like, ‘Wow. Look at us.’
Does scheduling take the passion out of it?
Yeah. It definitely does. Especially when we outrightly discuss it: “No let’s not have sex today, let’s do it tomorrow.” In those times, I’m just like, ‘Is this what it has turned to?’ Still, I just take it like it is.
Sometimes, I’m the one that’s not in the mood to have sex. I can imagine 25-year-old me laughing his ass off, but yeah, that’s my reality now. These are just some of the things that happen when you get older.
Can’t imagine that having kids makes it any easier.
It really doesn’t. Sometimes, we’ll be cuddled up in bed, ready to get it on, and one of the kids will just burst into the room. I’ll just be there thinking, ‘I love you, but can you geddifok?’
Has there been a conversation about spicing things up?
Yeah. Well, while I was gallivanting in my 20s and putting my dick into every hole I could find, I was my wife’s first. So we are not on the same experience level. I’ve been trying to add sex toys into the mix for a while, but she’s not really into it.
I definitely can’t suggest anything like a threesome because she’ll stab me. She’ll poison me and stab my dead body. I don’t mind though, I think threesomes are overrated. I’ve explored enough for one lifetime, and our sex is pretty good as it is.
Oh wow. You were her first?
Yeah. Sometimes, I even tease her that she doesn’t know what she’s enjoying because she doesn’t have any other experiences to compare it to. I think sex is as much a talent as it is a skill, and I’ve had A LOT of practice.
Does she know about your wild past?
Yeah, she knows most of it. The ones I can remember at least. She doesn’t hold it against me. She even used to tease me when we were dating that I was the stereotypical bad boy who found a good girl to settle with.
Do you ever miss that time in your life?
Nah. I think I’ve had my fill. Sometimes I do wonder how different things would have been if I was still as wild, but I don’t miss it. Maybe it’s a 30+ thing, but I just care less about doing a lot of the excessive things I was doing in my 20s. I’m very content.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
A 6. It’s not a fail, but it’s not a score to pat myself on the back over either. Speaking to my married friends, I know that I’m in the top half when it comes to frequency. Maybe when the kids grow up and need a little less attention, we can get our groove back.
What if you have another kid?
No, abeg. I’m probably getting a vasectomy this year.
Probably?
Well, that shit is pretty much permanent. So, yeah, probably.
One of the most popular myths is that postmarital sex is destined to only get worse as the years go by. While that is the case for some couples, it’s certainly not some universal rule.
So, we decided to ask a bunch of married Nigerians — from newly-weds to longtime spouses — to share how their sex life has changed since they tied the knot. Here are 7 of the best answers we got.
Chidinma, 26/Female/Married for 7 months
My sex life before I got married was up and down. We both lived with our parents and worked in different parts of the city, so it wasn’t as consistent as we would have both liked.
We were mostly intimate during weekends and on holidays. Our sex life was particularly great whenever we travelled, so I knew it would get better once we got married and moved in together.
Now that it’s happened, our sex life has definitely improved. With the stress of living in 2020, we’ve also been trying edibles. Getting high together has made sex even more fun.
Taiwo, 34/Male/Married for a year
Long before I got married, I had a pretty active sex life — a bunch of flings here and there. Casual or otherwise, I was always invested in making sure my partner climaxed properly.
Since I got married, sex has become an even more intense experience. It is a lot more intentional. I’m extra focused on pleasing my wife and without all the guilt that comes with pre-marital sex, there’s a real sense of freedom.
There’s also less pressure to actually have sex. Some days we’re talking and both go, “Are we fucking tonight?” Other days, we’re watching Netflix and end up doing it on the couch.
Sarah, 30/Female/Married for 2 years
I didn’t have sex for a while before marriage because of my faith. During my “fornication” days, however, my sex life was a solid 9/10. I discovered what I like and what I don’t pretty early on.
Thankfully, I mostly dated people who knew how to satisfy me. Sex was also constant, but I didn’t care much about the frequency. I was honestly fine without sex for long stretches of time.
It’s different now. I’m married to someone who doesn’t have a high sex drive and, quite frankly, I’m glad. It’s confirmed to me that I’m not a very sexual person either.
I think we have sex maybe once a week or every 2 weeks. I lowkey think of sex as a chore most times. That being said, when we do have sex, it’s always lit. I’d give it an 8/10.
Nonso, 33/Male/Married for 8 years
Before I got married, I had a very intense and fun sex life. I had the opportunity of figuring what I like at a very young age. That gave me the space to express myself, test my boundaries and enjoy a lot.
Since I got married, it’s been non-existent because my wife doesn’t like sex. When I met her, sex was the last thing on my mind — she is perfect in every other way — but I’ve now realised just how important it is.
Vera, 27/Female/Married for 4 years
Before I got married, I didn’t have a sex life because I was saving myself. I kind of regret that decision because I didn’t know I was sexually repressed until I got married.
Since then, my sex life has been interesting. It was awkward and painful at first because I was on some performative bullshit. It also didn’t help that I have mental health issues that occasionally put me off sex.
Thankfully, I have the most patient partner in the world, and our sex life has improved drastically since we got married. He was really patient with me and took time out to understand my needs and quirks.
Unfortunately, sex is not as frequent as I would like. My mood swings begin right before ovulation and last until after my period, so I tend to not want any form of physical contact. I’m trying to work on that though.
Daniel, 33/Male/Married for 5 years
Before I got married, my sex life was very adventurous. I used to hook up with a bunch of different girls and they all came with vastly different experiences. The variety made it fun.
My sex life has definitely changed since I got married. We don’t like a lot of the same things in bed, but at least there’s solace in knowing that sex is typically available when I want it.
There’s also a complacency that I’ve noticed. My wife is no longer as willing to experiment. She’s already nabbed me, so I guess she doesn’t feel as inclined to bend over backwards to impress.
Wani, 25/Female/Married for 2 years
My sex life was alright before I got married, but I didn’t get a chance to fully explore; I started dating my husband as a teenager. I’m a bisexual non-monogamist and it’s taken me a while to settle into my true nature.
Honestly, marriage hasn’t that much of an impact on my sex life. I’ve managed to grow and discover myself throughout our very long and dynamic relationship.
Obviously, I’d be having a lot more sex if I didn’t have a primary partner I had to be accountable to, but I definitely still have a rather colourful sex life in comparison to the other couples I know.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 30-year-old queer woman who, after agreeing to an open marriage, realised she is primarily attracted to women. She talks about coming out to her husband and embracing her new reality.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was 13 and it was with my best friend. We were in JSS 3. One day, we were talking about boy problems, and we just started kissing. From then on, we met in the same spot almost every day to make out. The crazy thing is: we never actually acknowledged it.
Did it ever go beyond kissing?
We attempted scissoring with our clothes on, but we really had no idea what we were doing.
How did it end?
It never officially ended. When we finished secondary school, she left the country and that was it. I haven’t seen her since then. We reconnected two years ago, and we occasionally chat and send each other flirty messages.
It was even recently that we had a proper conversation about what happened between us. We acknowledged that we were actually in a relationship, but we just didn’t know it. Due to the lack of representation at the time, we didn’t understand that women could be together in that way.
So when did you have sex for the first time?
I was 19 and it was with a 23-year-old woman. I went somewhere with my colleagues, and I met her. We hit it off and exchanged numbers. We chatted for a bit, and a few days later, she invited me over to her place.
We had amazing sex, and to this day, I still consider it to be one of my best sexual experiences.
Had you been with any men at this point?
I hadn’t been sexual with a man at this point, but I’d dated a few guys.
Why weren’t these relationships sexual?
I had this entire purity thing going on. I was raised catholic, so I was saving myself for marriage. It’s ironic, I know, but it was important to me at the time. So, I had these romantic relationships with men that never became sexual.
That didn’t stop you from sleeping with a woman?
No, It didn’t. I grew up believing that sex didn’t happen unless it was penetrative. So, at that time, I didn’t actually think I was having sex. It was only much later that I realised that wasn’t true.
Wow. So, when did you first have sex with a man?
That happened when I was 22 or 23. I just got tired of waiting.
Was it good?
It wasn’t at first. The first couple of times were terrible, but it eventually became quite enjoyable. We were together for a few months, but the relationship ended really badly. After him, I went back to being born again.
Really?
Well, kinda. After the breakup, I left the country for my education. On my first night abroad, I had a one-night stand with a woman. A few weeks later, I met the man who would go on to be my husband. We dated for 4 years and didn’t have penetrative sex once.
We only used to make out and dry hump each other. However, that was only constant for the first two months of our relationship. After that, it became a real struggle because I lost interest in doing those things with him.
Did you know why at the time?
I blamed it on a bunch of things, but I mostly thought it was my sex drive dipping as I got older. We still went ahead and got married, but it only got worse. It was always him wanting to have sex and me not being interested.
Oddly enough, every time we did have sex, it was always great. My orgasms were very intense. Still, I never wanted to initiate it. He would push for sex, and I would always come up with one excuse or the other.
How often would you say you were having sex?
Probably once every three weeks.
Damn.
Yup. Things remained like this until we decided to have an open marriage.
Interesting. How did that conversation come up?
I never used to believe that you could be attracted to multiple people at once, but when it finally happened to me, I spoke to my husband about it. He was very open-minded and the conversation was so easy.
By the next day, we had agreed to open our marriage. Granted, we had a few rules in place.
What were the rules?
The most common one: No emotional attachment to other people. Also, no sleeping over — no matter where either of us were or who we were with, we had to return home and spend the night together.
That’s sweet. So, how has this arrangement changed your sex life?
Well, my first two flings after the agreement were with men. That’s actually when I realised I no longer wanted to date men. So, I began to exclusively date women, and everything just fell into place.
Wait. What?
Yup. Opening up my marriage helped me accept the fact that I’m primarily attracted to women, so my husband and I are currently separated. We still talk, he’s basically my best friend, but our marriage is over.
Holy shit. How exactly did you make this realisation?
It was about a year after we opened up our marriage. I was dating this girl at the time, and I just loved being with her. The sex felt easy and natural. I suddenly became very protective of that experience.
Typically, my ex and I would come home and share our experiences with each other. This time around, I didn’t want to share it with him. In my head, that would have minimised the experience. That’s when I began to really think about my sexuality.
How long before you opened up to your ex-husband?
It took me about four or five months to have this conversation with him. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. We both knew what it meant for our relationship, so we cried a lot. I still live with the guilt of breaking his heart.
Do people know why you and your husband are separated?
Yeah. A lot of the people who are close to us — mostly our friends and siblings — know why we really separated. He even told his mother about it. So, yeah, my sexuality is not some big, shameful secret.
That’s awesome. What’s your sex life like now?
It’s pretty great. I’m in a relationship with a woman and we have really mindblowing sex.
Is it the same woman you made the realisation with?
Nope. Funny enough, that relationship fizzled out really quickly. This is a different person.
So, what’s it like fully embracing your queerness?
It’s awesome and liberating. I feel like I’m finally living truthfully. I’m really just impressed with the person I’ve become. I like that I’ve grown, and in spite of all the homophobia, I’m still able to exist loudly and boldly.
That’s wonderful. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’ll give it a 9. I would really like to be having sex with more people, but right now, it’s just one person.
Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.
“Love is a beautiful thing, don’t get it twisted.” – D’banj.
I don’t believe in the concept of soul mates. However, I believe that whoever you choose to make a relationship work with is the one. When you add a little bit of inshallah and God no go shame us into the mix, you may get someone that you can actually spend the rest of your life with.
Curious about how people transition from boyfriend and girlfriend to daddy wa and mummy wa, I asked some married men when they knew their wives were the one for them.
Tolu/26.
“For me, it was final year. I was the president of my departmental association and I landed in a bit of trouble. At some point, I was impeached from the position. It was one of the lowest points in my life but my girlfriend stood by me and cheered me up. She stuck by me and even lost a friend in the process. That’s when I knew that we make a great team. There and then I promised myself I’d do my best to always make her happy.”
Habeeb/28.
“I have terrible allergies. I mean the type where I sneeze myself into a migraine. So, one December during harmattan she asked us to hang out. I went with my mask and tissues. After eating and gisting, she told me that she had a gift for me. In the gift bag, she put allergy medicine supply for three months, Vitamin C supply for a month, lip balm, hand lotion, nose masks.
Man, I almost cried that day. For me, it has always been the little things. I love people who show up everyday in little ways. Thoughtfulness on its own is a grand gesture.”
Lawal/30.
My wife and I are from two different tribes, so there was a lot of friction and even verbal conflict about us getting married. She’s Igbo, I’m Yoruba – for some weird reason, resistance just made the love sweeter.
But then we broke up because my family said that we couldn’t be together; my family bond is strong like that. However, we remained friends; we had no choice because we were in each other’s space.
She still loved me silly!
I haven’t dated a lot of people but her love just felt so unconditional and different from the women I had been with. Even the lady I got with after we broke up. One evening while the new person I was with after my break up was reciting her idea of a perfect man, I made up my mind that my wife (my ex at the time) was the one for me.
It was in a conversation where she was looking out for me like I was for her that I told her. We also finally overcame the tribe hurdle and it just made our love sweeter, stronger and cemented her fully as The One.
Toheeb/33.
“I didn’t have any special moment. As a rule, I don’t date people I can’t marry. It’s a principle I have had since some girl showed me pepper. So, when I saw that my wife and I vibed well on the phone, and there was also the urge to constantly be around each other, I was like let’s marry. Also, she was my spec so that was a plus.
The only thing is that as life goes on and naija stress creeps into the marriage, you’ll start to forget all of that sweet time. However, that feeling is still there.”
Tunji/26.
“My story is not cute oh. She offered to type my final project for me and I knew that she was the one. I have never ever seen someone that selfless in my life. If I had a choice, I won’t have even typed my own project because I am a lazy piece of shit.”
This story was edited for clarity. Some details have been changed to protect the identity of the subject.
Introducing your partner to your Nigerian parents can be tricky. Especially if you and your parents see the world differently. While many parents want the best for you, there is still the fear that they may not completely understand your choice of partner.
With this in mind, I asked 5 Nigerians about their worst fears when they finally introduce their partners to their parents.
Here’s what they had to say:
Bode/26/Male.
“I am scared that my parents will not accept her because her parents are not together. I can already picture my mum shouting “broken home ke?” and calling a family meeting. I don’t think it is fair that she has to suffer for the sins of her parents. It’s not like she asked her parents to separate or anything. It’s very unfair.
The truth is that if push comes to shove and my family asks me to choose between them and her, I don’t know if I would be strong enough to fight for her…”
Godfrey/27/Male.
“This girl checks all my boxes: She’s Igbo, she’s catholic, she’s a professional and she’s also team light-skinned; it’s a steal. However, the problem is that my parents want me to marry someone from my hometown in Imo state and she’s from Anambra.
They are adamant that they won’t accept anyone outside my hometown. We have argued over this matter over and over again but they don’t want to see reason. They keep bringing up their experience with people from other tribes and telling me about how wicked other people are. I love my parents but their outlook on this matter is scaring me.”
Fatima/24/ Female.
“I have been dating this person for two years now but he has never met my family. Well, that’s intentional on my part. My dad is an Alfa and he has always told me that I must marry someone who has at least memorized the Quran and my boyfriend doesn’t meet the criteria. He still struggles with completing his daily solats talk less of reading the Quran.
I feel guilty about even having a relationship because it is not allowed in my religion. I was hoping he could meet my parents so we can discuss plans for marriage and I can stop feeling guilty. I am worried that taking him home will scatter everything – I will lose boy, I will lose marriage, I will lose my family’s respect. See, I am tired because this life is somehow.”
Chi-Chi/28/Female.
“My current boyfriend had a child when he was 16 and foolish but he didn’t marry his baby mama. I love the kid like my own because he looks so much and behaves like his dad. I mean at first, I was wary of dating someone with a child because Lagos men can embarrass you. With time, I have come to fall in love with this kind man who is trying to make up for youthful exuberance. The only thing is that my father will never in his life approve of me marrying someone or even dating someone that has a child. He thinks it’s a recipe for disaster. That the person will always love their first child over the ones we eventually have. I have convinced my mum but she has assured me that she can’t help me in this matter. I am not looking forward to when they meet at all.”
Shola/31/Female.
“After leaving two failed marriages, I have fallen in love with a man who wants to marry me as his second wife. I even met his mum and siblings and they are in support of his decision. The tricky part will be selling the idea to my parents because they are elders in the church. I can already picture them dying from second-hand embarrassment because their child wants to be a second wife. They openly preach against the dangers of polygamy and here I am going against their wish.
My own is whether they like it or not, I will marry this man. It’s not like they will be around forever. At the end of the day, it’s my life and not their own.”
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old heterosexual woman who’s been cheating on her husband for the past year. She talks about their total lack of sexual chemistry and why she feels no guilt.
What was your first sexual experience?
Does masturbation count? It should, right?
Yeah, it does.
Ok. I think I was about 7 years old. I just remember taking a nap. I guess I was moving around in my sleep a little too much and it just… happened. It felt really nice, and I was immediately curious to know what it was.
That’s interesting. What about your first experience with another person?
I was 9 or 10. It’s weird because I don’t really think of it as sexual. I had this friend, a girl, and we’d just masturbate together. It was like an activity we bonded over. I didn’t actually do anything consciously sexual with anyone until I turned 16. Then I had my first kiss.
What about sex?
I was 17. Once I had my first kiss, the floodgates basically burst open. I remember being determined to lose my virginity. So, I had sex with my first boyfriend. I don’t even remember whether I enjoyed it; I only remember it being painful.
I actually didn’t go into it with any real expectations — I was mostly just curious. I’d been reading all those romance novels that promised fireworks, but I already suspected that wasn’t going to be the case. So, I wasn’t surprised when it wasn’t.
Why were you so determined to lose your virginity?
I think a part of me just wanted to feel normal. Growing up, most of my friends were obsessed with boys, but I was never really like that. I mean, I thought boys were cute, but I didn’t care that much about them.
Then I fully started feeling abnormal when I turned 16. All the girls around me liked boys and were kissing them, so I decided to try it. After kissing a boy for the first time, everything else seemed a little less intimidating.
Fair enough. Do you remember the first time you actually enjoyed sex?
I was 24, and that was probably my fourth or fifth partner. He was a bit older than me — he was 32. At that point, I was more confident and knew my body a lot better. A lot of the sex I’d been having before was just me letting men do whatever they wanted.
Before him, I’d had a bad incident — one I’d rather not get into — and I took a hiatus from sex. So when I was ready to have sex again, I had a whole new perspective: I was determined to always be in full control.
What’s your sex life like these days?
Well, I’m married. The marriage has been failing for a while now, so my sex life has been non-existent within it. I’ve been cheating though, so outside of the marriage, it’s been pretty exciting.
Oh wow. Was sex with your husband always bad?
It was just ok. That was actually one of the issues we had while we were dating. So when he brought up marriage, it was one of the biggest red flags in my head. I just wasn’t that sexually attracted to him. The sex was consistently mid.
It’s weird how someone can be perfect in every way, but the chemistry is just not there.
Did you ever tell him?
Yeah, I did. After he proposed, I was having doubts. One of the reasons I gave him was our poor sexual chemistry. Funny enough, I wasn’t even that convinced it would be a big deal at the time, so it was easy for him to reassure me.
I’d heard that sex becomes mid in marriage anyway, so I started wondering if it was worth ignoring all the other good things about him just because the sex didn’t slap. I really shouldn’t have ignored my concerns. It became much worse after we got married.
How long were you together before you cheated?
Three years. I got married at 27. When I turned 30, I was just like, ‘Fuck it’.
So, it was a conscious decision?
Yup. Very. I’m not one of those people who acts like they don’t know what they’re doing when they do it. I definitely made a choice. I also suspected he was cheating as well, so I didn’t feel really bad about it.
Oh? Did the suspicion play any part in your decision to do it?
A little bit. I felt like he had opened up that door by cheating, so it was all fair game. It wasn’t even a case of me trying to get back at him. More than anything, it just helped me move past the last mental hump.
Alright. So, who did you end up cheating with?
The first time was with an ex — one of those shoulda-coulda-woulda type of exes. We had a silly falling out when we were young and dumb, but we reconnected. It was initially just friendly, but I definitely knew where it was heading.
Aha. How many people have you cheated with since him?
Three more people. I’m in the midst of my fourth now.
Do you see multiple lovers at once or one at a time?
Lately, it’s been one at a time, but that’s been purely coincidental. Before I got married, I was capable of seeing multiple people at the same time. I always had a hoe-tation, but it wasn’t to be cool or anything.
I don’t look for the same things in different people, so I can’t get all my fixes from one person. I guess I should have known it would be difficult for me to be married. But lately, it’s been one person at a time. Anything else would just be too much work.
Has it been hard to get away with it?
It hasn’t been that difficult. I don’t have kids and I also have a very active social life, so I kind of come and go as I please. There really isn’t an extra amount of movement that could raise suspicion.
I just use my friends to cover up. I hang out with them so much that if you’re not paying attention, you won’t notice anything off. I also try not to lie too much, save for a few lies of omission. So, no, it’s not been hard.
I think people typically get caught because they are in super love affairs. It’s not like that for me. I’m cool with not seeing or speaking with my lovers for a while. I’m not trying to sneak out in the middle of the night just to see someone’s face.
So, it’s just about sex for you?
No, it’s not. It’s more than that, but I’m just being realistic. I’m married and I know it’s not going to be easy. So, what’s the point in making a love connection with anyone? That being said, I’m friends with all of them. We have great conversations.
Sometimes they want more, but they know what it is. I’ve actually had a lover end things because he wanted us to get serious. In my experience, men have proven to be a lot more sensitive than they pretend to be.
What else do you get from these relationships?
They allow me to explore what I’m into. I spent the early part of my life having sex just for the sake of it, and when I started discovering myself and what I liked, I ended up in a marriage with a man I have little sexual chemistry with.
Now, I’m in my 30s and I fully know what I want. I’m curious about a lot of things and I just want to try it all. Being with these guys gives me the opportunity to do that and I am not ready to give that up.
Do you still have sex with your husband at all?
Nope. We haven’t in almost 2 years.
Did you ever get confirmation that he was, in fact, cheating?
I did actually. I confronted him like I was already sure and he admitted to it. I played the whole hurt, angry wife bit, but inside I was like ‘YES!’
Does he know that you are cheating?
He doesn’t. At least, he doesn’t have any proof. He has an ego. He thinks he is the only one who gets horny, has needs, or can have casual sex. He was probably more careless about his infidelity because the consequences are not as serious for him.
He doesn’t suspect, even though you haven’t had sex in years?
Well, around the time we stopped being intimate, I was making excuses about not liking sex anymore. I was tired of faking it. So, I think he just believes I’m no longer into sex.
Before I started cheating, I even tried to bring up the possibility of an open marriage, but he wasn’t having it. Nigerian men are always on some hypocritical bullshit. This guy was already cheating on me when I asked, but he wanted to eat his cake and have it too.
Would you say sneaking around makes the sex better?
Actually, I think it reduces the quality of it. I know some people find it exciting to sneak around, but I hate it. I hate being told what to do and I hate not feeling free. It makes me feel caged.
It also always feels like I’m rushing — like I’m always checking the time. I hardly get the chance to be in the moment and just enjoy it. I don’t get the opportunity to just laze about all day with a lover.
That makes sense. Is the sex with them good though?
Sex has generally been better since I turned 30. I’m a different person. I know what I want and I can teach people how to please me. It’s been good. But, if I’m being honest, I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% into sex with men.
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve never had really amazing sex — I’m still waiting to have that mind-blowing experience. I’ve just never felt the fireworks women talk about, and that’s probably why I’ve never been dickmatized.
Have you ever tried being with a woman then?
No, I haven’t. I’m really curious though. I always wonder if the issue is that I’m gay and I just don’t know it yet. I mean, I find girls attractive, but I don’t think I’m gay. Is it even possible to be gay and not realise it until later in life? I don’t know.
I think so. Do you have any plans to leave your husband?
Yeah, I do. I actually tried to leave a year ago, but it was a shitshow. I was upset about all the cheating, and I wanted a separation, but our families were on my case, hounding and harassing me until I backed down.
They made me feel evil for wanting to leave, and it was clear I would have no support. I don’t really need their financial assistance, but it still sucked. But I sort of made up my mind earlier in the year that I was leaving anyway, and then coronavirus happened.
Oh shit. How has that affected all of this?
I’m stuck at home with a man I don’t want to be with. Due to the lockdown, I can’t really find a new place and move, which was my plan. The virus has actually put things into perspective for me.
So many people have lost their lives. Life is short and none of this crap matters. I just want to be happy. I actually almost snuck out to see a lover one time, but I didn’t go through with it. Don’t want to get coronavirus just because of sex.
Do you ever feel guilty about this entire situation?
No, I don’t feel guilty at all. I’ve clearly tried to leave, we don’t have sex anymore, we barely even interact, but I’m still expected to stay for the sake of optics. Nah, I can’t feel bad for doing the only thing that makes me feel sane in the midst of this madness.
Also, every time I cheat on my husband, I feel like I’m pouring liquor on the sidewalk for all my sisters who constantly get (and accept being) cheated on by men. I’m evening the score.
LMAO. Ok. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’d say a 6.5. I’m technically not allowed to freely explore my sex life like I would like to, and even the sex I am having isn’t blowing my mind. But it’s good enough for now, so I’ll give it a 6.5. Is that like a C?
I think that’s a B.
Well, a B- or C+. That’s where I’m at right now.
Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.
Marriage is bat shit scary. What? Why are you all looking at me funny? I just said out loud what we all secretly think about. He who is without “how tf will I marry someone” should be the first to cast a stone.
Yh, I didn’t think so.
Anyway, seeing as young people generally feel the same way about the institution that is marriage, I asked them about the hill they are willing to die on concerning marriage. Some of the answers were interesting…
Here are some of the responses:
1) Marriage is not by force.
“See, many people are not fit to live with another person or raise kids. They know and have accepted this. I just wish other people would be self-aware enough to stop allowing society pressure them into something they don’t like or will ever be ready for.”
2) Big wedding = big spending.
“If your husband does not spend a lot of money making the wedding ceremony glamorous, it’s a sign that he is going to be stingy in the marriage. My dear, run.”
3) Is it your money?
“There’s a scene in Ozark where the actor has 24 hours to produce 8 million dollars or be killed by the Mafia. He explains the situation to his wife and they agree to unite as a family to pay off the money. Later that day, his wife empties their joint account and tries to elope with her secret lover.
After watching that scene, the hill I am willing to die on is that you should not share a bank account with your partner. Let each man eat from the sweat of their breast. Imagine someone eloping with my hard-earned money.”
4) There is nothing like too soon.
“I see people say that you should date for xx number of years before getting married and I think that’s silly. Some even say that marrying someone you met 6 months ago is too soon.
There is only so much you can simulate in a relationship. Marriage is way different. You only get good at marriage by being married and scaling the hurdles of life. Abi can relationship prepare you for the death of a child or cancer?”
5) Marry someone you can tolerate.
“People say marry your best friend and shit like that and that’s a big lie. Does your best friend live with you all year round? Do they snore? Marry someone you can tolerate on most days and find peace.”
6) Marry someone richer than you.
“It’s not compulsory to marry for love. You can get fond of a person with time. But it is compulsory that marriage helps you climb up financially and socially. Check that pali before you marry. So that your children will not swear for you the way I swear for my parents.”
7) Sexual chemistry is a must.
“Miss me with that no sex until marriage yarns. I have to make sure that the person I marry likes all the sexual things I like. I will now marry someone that will be telling me sorry while he’s choking me. I say disrespect me, you are saying sorry. Sorry for yourself.”
8) I believe in a soulmate…but.
“I totally believe in the concept of a soulmate. But, I believe you can have more than one. See, I love everybody and left to me, I will sleep with everybody. They are all my soul mates. I keep telling these women that they are all special to me but they don’t believe. I am just an equal opportunity lover who has so much love to give.”
9) No time.
“Once I finish University and I get a job that pays me at least N150,000 to N200,000, I am going to get married. My parents started with less and didn’t do so badly.
Premarital sex makes me feel guilty so it’s best I make it legal as quickly as possible. My married friends say sex slaps sweeter when you are not constantly thinking of burning in hell after. I want to experience that.”
10) Na wa.
“No matter who you choose or how well thought how you plan, you will still marry the wrong person. I think everyone should read this article for better context before they think I am some unhappy and miserable person.”
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
Tell me about money when you were a kid.
I remember the first person who ever gave me a ₦500 note. A guest spent the night with my family and gifted two notes to me when he was leaving the morning after.
Shout out to visitors that roll out cash.
Haha! I’ll say we were comfortable. Bills were paid on time, new stuff for school every session, we travelled abroad for summer vacation. We weren’t wealthy, but we had enough. We had the new consoles, the latest sneakers, the newest phones.
Sweet.
That was before my dad retired sha. After he did, my mum kept up the good work, but it wasn’t like before.
What did your dad do for a living, and what did your mum do?
My dad was a medical doctor working as an expat in another country – he did that for 20 years. He had to work across cities in the country, even in a village. My mum was a teacher, but she moved to live with my dad for about 9 years and I lived with both of them for a while before coming back to Nigeria. She came back to Nigeria and became the principal of a school.
Now she’s a businesswoman.
What’s the first thing you ever did to ‘earn’ money?
In secondary school, I would write poems and sell them for Valentine’s Day. So I would write like 5 poems, you select the one you want, pay, then my best friend would use her beautiful handwriting to write inside your card. If you want a custom poem, you pay extra. My best friend and I shared the money 50-50. I was in SS2/SS3 at the time.
*Love letter for ₦100*
We were in a boarding school so it was extra money to buy snacks and food during breaktime. I was known for my literary work once upon a time.
Young bestseller. Inside Life!
Inside Naira Life, hahaha.
After that, did you do anything to earn money?
I just had to be someone’s child, hahaha. Allowances basically – all through uni. There was really no need to look for extra income then. And medicine is a jealous profession. It’s not easy to combine it with something else.
So naturally, House Job after actual school?
Yeah, I moved to Lagos for that. Got a job with the Lagos State Government and we were paid about ₦157k. Now the money was different almost every month, and the payslips never really explained what was going on but ₦157k was the average. I turned 25 during this, and I did the house job from 2015 till 2016. I got a job almost immediately after – barely a week – at a private clinic in Ikoyi and I was paid ₦80k monthly. 8 am to 4 pm, 5 days a week and alternate Saturdays.
However, just before getting this job, I started a fabrics business with a capital of ₦30k – buying and selling.
Smooth.
I worked in the clinic for a few months before NYSC. During NYSC, I was paid ₦43k by the state and after plenty gbas-gbos, ₦75k plus allowee of ₦19,800.
After NYSC, I had the option of going back to Lagos State or the private clinic but I wanted something else so I was home for six months. My husband noticed how much of a struggle it was during those months.
Wow. What did you want so badly that you were willing to wait for 6 months?
Something around Advertising, Marketing communications or Business consultancy. During that period, my business was my major source of income and fortunately, it was doing well.
So so sorry about that.
Anyway, after months of not getting any job in the field I wanted because “what is a doctor looking for in this field” and other unreplied applications, I went back to the private clinic. But when I went back, I told my boss that I wanted to do social media marketing also and I wasn’t going to work 5 days a week.
Wait, you mentioned husband earlier.
I got married during NYSC.
Ballpark number. How much did your wedding cost?
Hahahaha. My husband usually says ₦10 million. We had over 1500 guests. But trust me, it wasn’t our money. Our parents paid for the wedding. The money we saved up was used to get an apartment and set it up – I saved ₦300k. We had a list of things we needed for the house so when people asked what we wanted for the wedding, we sent the list.
How much will you say your gifts saved you, in cash?
Over ₦500k – fridge, microwave, washing machine, gas cooker, blender, water dispenser, and other things I can’t even remember. We could have bought those things eventually but we would have bought cheaper ones. My husband is a doctor too and when we got married, he was working in a private clinic while I was a Corper. So we had to be penny-wise.
You fed an army.
The parents did. We just had fun.
Do you ever imagine a scenario where they just handed you the cash instead?
I tried to convince the parties involved. I was told how impossible it was for me to have a small wedding. I’m the first grandchild of my mum’s family with 6 aunts and an uncle. They consider me their baby. Everybody came from across the globe.
Okay okay, back to getting back to being a doctor
And social media marketer. Surprisingly, she agreed. Anyway, I started working 3 days a week and alternate weekends. I handled social media also. I was paid ₦1.5 million/annum, and I used the other two days to run my business.
So, you worked there as a doctor and managed their social media? Awesome!
Yes. And surprisingly, when I calculated my salary, it was higher than what a lot of my friends were earning as doctors.
That’s interesting.
Medicine doesn’t pay well in Nigeria and it’s really sad. I have many many friends who have relocated and are planning to relocate soon.
In fact, the whole medical journey can be a struggle. They sold us the medical dream but didn’t show us the full picture.
My dad once told me that if I wanted to be rich, I shouldn’t be a doctor. Didn’t make much sense to me then but I get now.
Doctors are some of the smartest people but many don’t know anything outside medicine. I know many people who would like to try something else but they don’t even know what else to do. So they stick with what they know.
Society doesn’t even make it easy. The pressure is ridiculous.
In all, the real ballers are the owners of big hospitals. Especially those who have registered HMOs. Then consultants who studied abroad and then come back to Nigeria and consult for big big clinics, or hospitals. Just consulting for big hospitals is enough. That’s a lot of reading and investment.
Ah, that’s brave.
Yep. In fact, I got a job in 2019 at a marketing company. I still work as a doctor but only on alternate Saturdays and I still handle their social media. And I still run my business.
Let me tell you a funny story.
I’m listening.
When I was going to switch, I was scared – leaving the known for unknown. I had wanted this for a long time and I was really getting boredat the clinic. Then I got my job offer and saw how much they were offering.
How much?
₦3.6 million/annum. My friend and colleague at the clinic made me drop my resignation letter that day. My husband was out of town, I sent the offer letter to him and he sent back a draft of my resignation letter
Hahaha.
When I resumed, I experienced culture shock. I was coming from a place where we waited till the last day of the month or the first day of the next month for salary to getting several credit alerts for different things in the course of the month.
Mad o.
A few weeks after I resumed, the MD announced that everyone was getting a raise. I remember sitting there thinking:
Is this how you people used to do it? That was the day I knew I wasn’t going back to full-time medicine. I had seen the light.
Well done! So, business plus clinic side gig, plus main job, what’s that looking like?
When my business started, I used to do a lot of running around and it was quite stressful. But these days, I pray and focus on large orders – less stress, more profit. And everyone is happy. Pre-COVID, I tried to do one batch a month.
Ah, and now covid has paused it?
For individuals, yes, but I supply fabrics to businesses too so I still got some of those during this period.
What’s something you want but can’t afford?
I was dreading this question. Because I don’t think I have an answer. Probably to spoil my husband and parents the way I would love to. My reason is because I hardly ever drop lump sums for anything. I prefer to pay in installments or save up for something. I plan my money.
Talking about planning your money, what’s your monthly expense sheet like?
Anything that’s not here doesn’t have structure. I do agro investments, I save one of my salaries in Dollar vest on Piggyvest. I just started getting into stocks and Eurobond etc – one of my salaries, the clinic gig. I send money to my parents sometimes.
I have a shopping addiction – shoes and clothes. I am trying to slow down now.
Tell me about your wildest splurge
I think December 2019, a store was doing sales and I was just buying shoes and clothes. Bought Christmas presents for people. Dropped money for church and some other money gifts. I don’t know how much I spent but roughly ₦200k to ₦250k.
Woah.
You’ve heard worse jo.
Hahaha. Yes I have.
I’m not really one to splurge. If it’s above my budget, I don’t think about it. It’s not even an option. I wait for sales or a better deal. If it’s essential, I save or pay in installments. The only thing I splurge at once are agro investments.
What’s the most annoying miscellaneous you’ve had to pay for?
MDCN annual fees. I hate that I have to pay for it year after year and nobody is actually checking to see if I am doing the right thing.
I know you plan all your money, but what’s the last thing you paid for that required serious planning?
We moved houses. From a rented flat to one that is almost free (₦12k a month with electricity and water and other perks) but we had to renovate. So we needed to plan that. However, because we had been saving our rent monthly, it made it easier so we just used the rent money for renovation and added extra. Stretched finances a bit but we are good.
₦12k a month? Is there still space?
Hahaha, it’s hospital quarters o. I was doing shakara before but after doing the maths, nobody begged me. They are supposed to be taking it straight from my husband’s salary.
Lit lit lit lit o. Do you have a sense of how much renovation cost?
About ₦600k. We bought a few things too.
Tell me a financial regret you have.
I wish I had gotten more savvy about investments earlier, probably during housejob. I started taking it seriously last January and I have seen great improvement. But also, one needs to earn more to be able to save and invest more.
My financial decision I don’t regret though, is starting my business.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how will you rate your financial happiness? And why?
7. I’m content with my life to be honest. I can’t think of anything I really need that I don’t have. I have things that I want but no hurry, everything good will come. The remaining 3 is for the potential money I can make if I take the right steps. There’s always room for improvement.
One last thing.
I’m listening.
If your 13-year-old came to you and said, “Daddy, I have met the man/woman I want to spend the rest of my life with,” would you approve?
I am guessing you wouldn’t let the child make such a decision. So why do we make kids choose what career paths they want to follow at that age?
Some will know, but many of us are on a journey of self-discovery. And I’m still on that journey. I don’t have a 5-year plan. I have an idea of who I want to be but I take each day as it comes and enjoy the experience.
I enjoy being a doctor, but I know there’s so much more that I can be and I’m not afraid to find out.
Grand closing. Thank you very much for taking the time.
This story was edited for clarity. Some details have been changed to protect the identity of the subject.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old woman who was having sex very actively before marriage. She’s been married for a year and has not had sex with her husband since their wedding. She thinks he might be gay.
What was your first sexual experience?
So when I was younger, I had a “how are babies made?” phase. I assumed that when people got married, they just had to lie down on the bed together and they’d get pregnant. Then when I was about 7, I saw my mother and father doing it. Instead of leaving immediately, I watched for a split second before my mother noticed me. Then I ran out.
Wow. Did they talk to you about it?
Talk fire. We all just pretended like it didn’t happen. In hindsight, I think things were a little awkward after, but back then, I didn’t notice and no one came to talk to me. Guess what happened nine months later?
You had a new sibling?
Yup. I just put two and two together and I was like wow.
Haha. You finally knew how babies were made.
Yeah, but I think something about seeing my dad on top of my mum scarred me. I didn’t know the word for sex, but I said I was never getting married because I believed you had to be married to do what my father was doing to my mother.
Did that decision change along the way?
I don’t know how it happened, but by the time I was 8, I was fantasizing about marrying some of my classmates. I guess it’s because my mum used to cater to a lot of weddings and I used to go with her.
I planned weddings with different classmates in my head. When I was 10, I had a ‘school husband’ — we acted the school play together and people started calling us husband and wife. Then one day, we were alone at the back of the school and started kissing, mimicking things we had seen in movies. This happened after school hours though and it became routine.
Were you guys ever caught?
Luckily, no. But just doing that and being able to do that and not get caught released a monster in me.
Lmao. What do you mean?
I went to a mixed boarding school for secondary school and it was quite small. All that separated the male and female hostel was a small yard — it was in the same building. I realised I had a lot of freedom, which is wild considering the fact that my parents sent me to boarding school to curtail my freedom.
Why did they want to do that?
There was a time before secondary school that I stumbled into a porn ad on our home computer. After seeing it, I got very curious and started looking for porn. I was not able to watch any because the sites kept asking me to set up an account and pay money in dollars, which I didn’t have. I gave up. A few weeks later, my mother was using the laptop for something. She must have gone through the search history and seen it. All hell was let loose.
It couldn’t have been someone else?
Nope. I was the only child old enough to do that. Then another time, she sent me to do something and some secondary school guys on my street stopped me to talk to me. I don’t know if they thought I was old enough, but they were trying to get my phone number and I didn’t even have a phone. Basically, they were harassing me. They didn’t let me pass. A neighbour saw and went to tell my mum I was talking to boys. Even more hell was let loose. And that was all my mum needed to know she was going to send me to a boarding school.
So what was freedom like there?
Hahaha. By the first week, everyone thought I was a slut because I was talking to boys a lot. Since they thought I was a slut, I decided to run with it — I kissed the first boy that was interested in me. From then on, I was kissing everyone and anyone. Every day after lights out, I’d sneak out of my room and make out with a new boy. It was fun. The thrill for me wasn’t even in the making out or in the oral sex, it was in hiding from the prefects and hostel mistresses and almost getting caught. It was in running with the slut title and knowing that all the girls wanted to be like me but would never admit it.
Did you ever have sex?
Yes. A LOT. But that started in senior school when I felt I was finally ready. I did it with one of my regulars. It was a rubbish experience. Shocking because he had said he was very experienced.
How many people would you say you had sex with in secondary school?
I had sex with about 15 boys, but I’m pretty sure I made out with a lot more. I wasn’t counting.
What happened when you got to university?
In my first year, the sex became better. I had a list of people I wanted to sleep with in my faculty and I slept with 20 of them in my first semester. I actually had a list from a couple of other faculties too. I also tried exploring my sexuality and learned I’m very straight. All of this was short lived because I met my husband in my third year of uni — he wasn’t a university student though.
Now that you’re married, what’s your sex life like?
Not that great. When my husband and I were dating, it was a lot better. He wasn’t very experienced at first, so I had to teach him everything, from how to touch me to the right hole. He was very open to learning and trying all kinds of things. We got married immediately after I finished university. But now, it’s different. We haven’t had sex since our wedding.
Wait what?
I’m not even joking. It’s confusing that this is my life and sometimes I wonder if I could be dreaming. We’ve been married for about a year and since then, he hasn’t touched me. We have made out, but every time I try to bring up sex, there’s always an excuse. I didn’t mind at first. I even infused aphrodisiacs into our meals, but still nothing. I tried to have the conversation with him and it didn’t lead anywhere. I’ve actually never told anyone this, because it shames me.
Wow. I’m so sorry. Do you think that maybe he’s asexual?
I know he’s not because only a few months ago, I found out he slept with someone else — a man.
Wait what?
I don’t know if it was a one-off thing, but I happened to be snooping around his phone and I saw it. It was wild, but I couldn’t bring myself to accost him.
Does that make you question his sexuality?
Yes. At first I wondered if he was gay. We didn’t have the sexuality conversation before we got married because it didn’t matter. There are no ‘signs’ that he is gay. I’ve spent an insane amount of time googling ‘how do I know if my partner is gay’.
I cannot deny the chemistry in the sex we had before we got married TBH. It was there. But sometimes, I wonder, what if I imagined it? What if he is gay or asexual or bisexual? I can’t wrap my head around the fact that whatever it is, he won’t talk to me about it.
I’m sorry about that. Are you going to do something about it?
Right now, no. I’ve done a lot of talking and nagging. But right now, I think I need to just give him space. Honestly, I can’t see myself leaving him – I mean, I love him. Some part of me is like, you want to leave him just because of sex. I believe we can work through it — I just need to give him time.
But it’s not just sex, he cheated…
And people make mistakes. Look, before I got married, I was one of those people who often said I would never stay with a man who cheats, but it’s a lot more complicated than that. I love him and I know he loves me too. Besides what do I tell my parents? And my friends who look up to us as a couple? It’s a lot to wrap my head around and I’m still trying to figure out what the next best thing to do is.
I understand. Right now, do you do anything to give yourself pleasure?
I masturbate a lot. Like four times a day. Haha. It’s worse now during the coronavirus lockdown. I masturbate while showering, while watching movies, before sleeping, etc. It just helps get my mind off the coronavirus anxiety and other things like my sex life.
Speaking of Coronavirus lockdown, how are you managing that with your husband?
It’s actually not been bad. I am hoping that maybe this is when we can kick off our sex life again. We cook together and watch movies together. We even work out together. We actually do a lot of things together. Not just sex.
What about making out?
Super rare. Maybe a forehead kiss here, a peck there, but nothing that can actually lead to sex or oral sex.
