Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.
“Park! You’re guilty of reckless carriage of a heavy load condensed as two trunks right in between your back and your legs, something like an ukwu!”
Okay, the Nigerian police shouldn’t arrest you for that. But these are 5 things that can actually land you in court:
1. Witchcraft
E shock you? You didn’t know witchcraft is a crime in a country that sucks your blood? LMAO.
Well, according to Nigeria’s criminal code, a person who presents themself as a witch either through their statements or their actions is guilty of a misdemeanour and is liable to an imprisonment term of 2 years.
Wahala, truly, is a Christmas gift in the form of a bicycle.
Jacitation of marriage is an old action in English law where a person can obtain a court order to stop another person from falsely claiming that they are married to them.
Well, Nigeria’s Matrimonial Causes Act recognises it, too. If someone falsely claims that they are married to another person, they are actually guilty of this civil offence.
I wonder how many Yoruba men are licking their lips at this law.
3. Breach of Promise of Marriage
Still on marriage. Do you know that if you promise to marry someone and you eventually fail to, the person can has reasonable grounds to sue you to court for “breach of promise of marriage”?
I’m not making it up. In Ezeanah v. Atta, the court said that once there is the promise of marriage and a party fails to fulfil it, the person is guilty of civil wrong.
Painting your car in “army green” is an offence punishable with 6 months imprisonment in Nigeria. This is a law stated in the Army Colour (Prohibition) Act.
5. Murder
This is not an offence but an exception. You cannot be found guilty of the death of a person if the death occurred after a year and a day of your action, as stated in the criminal code act.
Why? The logic is that whatever you did to kill someone must have expired after one year and a day of your action.
We hope you’ve learned a thing or two about how to unfuck yourself when the Nigerian government moves mad. Check back every weekday for more Zikoko Citizen explainers.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 30-year-old heterosexual man who’s been married for three years. He talks about going from his hoe phase to having the best sex of his life with only one woman.
What was your first-ever sexual experience?
I genuinely can’t remember my first non-penetrative sexual experience, but I remember the first time I had full-on sex. Mostly because it was very weird. I was 14 and it was with a 17-year-old.
She was my friend’s girlfriend, and we were both staying over at his house for the holiday. I remember really wanting to have sex with her, up until it actually happened. That’s when it hit me that I’d fucked up.
Do you remember how it felt?
Honestly, I don’t know. Even right now, I’m struggling to remember that experience fondly. I can’t remember her body or how she made me feel. All I remember feeling is guilt and regret.
So, I’m guessing it happened only once.
LMAO. Nope. I wish I could say it happened only once, but it continued for the rest of the holiday. We were sneaking around while my friend was in the house, and I guess the guilt mixed with the fear of getting caught made it very exciting.
Wow. Did your friend ever find out?
In the strangest way. Months after we’d stopped, I found out she was pregnant. It turned out to not be mine or my friend’s baby — she was apparently fucking a bunch of guys – but it was during that mess that he found out. Our friendship still hasn’t recovered.
Was your next experience as dramatic?
It was the opposite. It wasn’t exciting or memorable at all. I went out with a couple of my uni friends and we ended up picking some babes. At the end of the night, we all just paired up and had sex.
What was wrong with that?
I didn’t want to. It was peer pressure. I wasn’t attracted to the babe, but she was interested in me. My friends kept egging me on, and I didn’t want to look like a slacker. So, we had sex and it was terrible. It’s one of the few times I didn’t have an orgasm.
Damn. That bad?
Very bad, but I actually consider the experience to be a good thing. Having sex that awful so early on made me realise that I didn’t want to be one of those guys who just had sex for the sake of it.
So, I became a lot more deliberate about picking my sexual partners.
How did that work out?
I think it worked out pretty well. I don’t think I’ve had a sexual encounter I regretted. They might not always be great, but I don’t regret being with them. Actually, that’s a fucking lie. I’ve found myself in a few regretful situations.
Like?
There are usually two scenarios. It’s either I sleep with someone in a relationship and things get awkward, or I sleep with a close friend and it ruins our dynamic. I don’t like stress, so I end up regretting those.
So, besides those few instances, your sex life was good?
Yeah. I’d say my sex life in my early to mid-20s was solid. The bulk of the sex I was having was in actual relationships. There was also the occasional cheating. While I was a Tony Umez-level lover boy, I was also a bit loose.
I had sex with a lot of very interesting people.
What’s your sex life like now?
I’m married. I’ve been having sex with one woman for six years now, and it’s been GREAT.
Really? Was that always the case with her?
Nah. We didn’t start off on the same page at all. I was way more experienced than her, and I also wanted to have a lot more sex. I really like sex, and if you allow me, I’d have it every single day. Three times a day.
She wasn’t like that at all, so I had to slow down and wait for her to catch up. It taught me a lot of patience, but it was also fun. I felt like I was starting my own sexual journey again from scratch. It’s almost like it rewired my brain.
How so?
I’m now more concerned with how good the sex is every time it happens, as opposed to the frequency of it. It’s funny because this was one of the two major sex-related things I was really hung up on when we first started dating.
What was the second thing?
For the first year of our relationship, she didn’t have an orgasm. Before her, I was very proud of my ability to make any woman orgasm through oral sex in five minutes or less. Not being able to do that for her really stressed me out.
I was worried that I couldn’t please her. Thankfully, we got over that hump.
What’s sex like now?
We have to schedule it so we don’t get too carried away with life and forget to be intimate. That has really improved our sex life. Since we know it isn’t happening as often, we pull out all the stops to make it excellent every time it does.
How often does it happen?
Two to three times a week. Our work schedules don’t really allow for more than that.
Does scheduling take the passion out of the sex?
I thought it would, but no. We don’t necessarily schedule sex; we actually schedule moments of intimacy. We pick a time to just spend with each other, away from work and other distractions. Sex doesn’t have to happen, but it usually does.
Fair. This has helped improve your sex life?
A lot. We also understand each other’s bodies more with each passing month, and that makes the sex so much better. It’s very exciting. I can’t wait to see what it’s like five years from now. We would probably be able to make each other nut in seconds.
LMAO. So, you’re fine with never sleeping with anyone else ever again?
Man, I don’t know. Currently, that’s where I’m at. That is the commitment I have made. I’m very willing to do it because I can’t imagine being okay with my wife sleeping with someone else.
We’ve had the conversation about possibly including someone else in our bed or opening our marriage, but we are currently on the same page about not wanting to share each other. I don’t know if that will change down the line, but we’ll see.
How experimental would you say you are as a couple?
We’ve tried toys, and that was fun. We also both used to hate anal play, but I watched a porno of a guy getting his ass eaten, and the look of pure ecstasy on his face was very appealing to me. We eventually tried it, and she was surprisingly into it.
Honestly, I feel like we’ll eventually get bored of the semi-traditional sex stuff, but what comes after anal? Are we going to start pissing and shitting on each other? I don’t think so, but who knows?
Please, let me know if you ever get there. It could be a sequel.
LMAO. Will do.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’d give it an 8.5. The quality of the actual sex is amazing. At least once a month, I’m convinced I just had the best sex of my life. I won’t give it a 10 yet because I know it can still be better. I know this because it keeps getting better.
An open marriage is a form of non-monogamy where the partners agree that the other partner may engage in extra-marital sexual relations without this being regarded as infidelity. It’s more or less like Jada and Will’s marriage, although the rules often vary.
Needless to say, this isn’t a very popular arrangement with most people, and much less so among Nigerians. Despite this, I had the pleasure of meeting a 30-year-old Nigerian man who has been in an open marriage for two years, and before that, an open relationship for 10 years. We talked about his marriage, what it demands and why more people should consider open marriages.
So, how did it begin?
Honestly? It’s not something we really thought about. At least, we never called it an open relationship, when we were dating. Or even a relationship. It was basically, “Yes, I love you and you love me, but we both still find other people sexually attractive. So what are we going to do?” We had a lot of back-and-forths about what that meant and what we could do about it.
Initially, the relationship wasn’t open at all. We had been dating for a few years when, one day, she suddenly came to me and said: “I found someone I think you’d find sexually interesting.” That’s how it started. We discuss it frequently to touch base and see what the other person is thinking.
What do you think were her motivations for giving you the green light to sleep with someone else?
To be honest, it’s probably a hodgepodge of factors. Firstly, she is bisexual. Secondly, she enjoys watching me having sex and she loves it when I tell her about other women I’m having sex with and how. Also, there were women she found sexually appealing but she wasn’t comfortable about her sexuality with other women at that time. So she’d offer the women to me and live vicariously through me. Eventually, she decided to try women.
Interesting. What are the details of your arrangement?
Basically, both of us can sleep with whomever we want. The only condition is that we obtain consent from each other before sleeping with other people. There have been instances where we both didn’t agree to let the other sleep with someone else but it’s always for a good reason.
What would you say is required to be in this kind of relationship?
Lot’s of work and honesty. From the outside, it looks easy, but in reality, there’s a lot of work required. We have to talk and talk and fine-tune things a lot.
Our relationship is pretty private, but now and again, we raise some eyebrows. When we are with friends and a lover of either of us or both of us is around, our friends tend to give us weird looks, thinking that we are cheating on the other partner. They think it’s weird that a married person is hanging with someone else, and even more surprised that the other partner doesn’t care about it.
One time, I was with my friends and I had one of my girlfriends with me. My girlfriend kept talking about my wife; not in the I-shouldn’t-be-with-you type of way and more in a playful “I will tell your wife you’re not treating me nicely” type of way. My guys were looking at me funny. They don’t know about the arrangement and I’d like to keep it that way
Wow. Do you worry that either you or your wife might catch feelings for someone else? What’s the contingency plan?
The thought that either of us might have feelings for other people crosses our minds, honestly. It’s only logical that if you keep fucking the same person, feelings will inevitably come into play. That’s why we emphasise on honesty. Also, we already know we’ll spend the rest of our lives together. We know that even if you catch feelings for someone else, it’s only half the truth. My wife and I know our full truths with each other and it makes us both happy.
If it happens, we’ll deal with it the same way we deal with other matters; discussing honestly and finding solutions together. It’s us against any issues bothering one person.
Have you had any disagreements over this arrangement?
Ah yes. And it was absolutely my fault too. I’m an emotional guy, really, and I can only have sex with people I like and have a real connection with. At some point, it got a bit too emotional with one of my women, and when my wife pointed it out to me, I got defensive, and even worse, started to feel like I needed to hide parts of that relationship from her. I refused to do any introspection for a while. But at some stage, you gotta listen when your own woman insists on something like that. I regret it very much; hurting her was never part of the arrangement.
Do you plan on having children?
We do plan on having children, a little down the road. Of course, we think about how having children will have an impact on the nature of our relationship. It’ll definitely means having less random partners. We’ll settle for regular partners so that we aren’t introducing the kids to strangers every two weeks. It also means meeting out of town more often and having fewer partners.
Sounds like it’s all planned out.
Again, we talk and talk and talk. It’s hard, but it’s the only way it works.
Between the two of you, how many partners would you say there are?
Lmao. This is hard. There are some regular ones, there are seasonal ones and there are part-time ones. But currently, I’d say three. Of course, we have partners outside of each other. Some of our partners are in relationships of their own. However, we do have a favourite girlfriend. She’s in a relationship with both of us together and individually.
The next thing on our agenda is dating a couple similar to us. It sounds really interesting. We aren’t rushing it because sometimes, you just have to let things happen. So far, it hasn’t happened yet. Although it’d be nice if such a couple reaches out.
That’s interesting. Do you think more people should consider open marriages and relationships or do you think it’s only suited to a select few?
It’s definitely not for everybody. It’s also not a response to infidelity or an inability to be loyal. It demands even more accountability that normal relationships don’t ask of you.
I think more people should be honest about the fact that loving someone doesn’t mean you never want to fuck someone else. Once we all come to that place, the rest is just housekeeping and figuring out what works.
Man Like – A series about men, for men, by men. Every Sunday by 12PM.
What does life look like for Gen Z Nigerians everywhere in the world? Every Friday, we ask five Gen Z Nigerian students one question in order to understand their outlook of life.
Marrying while in the University is something that has been happening for a while. It was especially more popular among women in older generations, so we asked five students if they will get married while still trying to get a degree
Here is what they said:
Samantha; College of Medicine (UniLag), 20
Why will I do that? So when my mates are saying they have outings to go to, I’ll be running back home because of my husband? God forbid.
Nonso; Ambrose Ali University, 21
If I get a girl pregnant, I think I might. I do not like the idea of children growing up in broken homes. Other than that, I do not think so.
Zainab; University of Ibadan, 19
Let Nigeria remove the SSMPA then I’ll think about it. Until then; get this bread, get this head, then leave.
Adam; University of Port Harcourt, 20
Don’t kill me please. How many fuck I don fuck wey I go marry?
Fadekemi; Covenant, 21
Honestly, I’m tired of school. School stresses me out. If I see a rich man who’ll marry me and take care of me and my family, I don’t mind. Especially if he has no children and is about to die. Who school epp?
For more stories on student life and Gen-Z culture, click here
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 39-year-old heterosexual woman who has only ever enjoyed sex with older men. Since she got married 10 years ago, she’s only enjoyed sex with her sugar daddies.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was an avid Mills & Boon reader from around age 14. By the time I was 16 and leaving secondary school, I wanted to have sex. One evening, a neighbour tried to force me to give him a blow job. I bit him and ran. I became afraid and a little more determined to be in control after that. So when I had sex with the first guy that toasted me in 100 level, I didn’t tell him I was a virgin. The sex was horrible.
You could tell it was horrible even though you didn’t have much to compare it to.
Yes. I knew he must have done something wrong because I had done plenty of research and was actively masturbating and giving myself orgasms.
So what happened after that horrible experience?
I dumped him. A few weeks later, I started sleeping with a much older guy who had a ‘permanent’ girlfriend. The sex was great and thus began my serial adventures.
How old was he?
He was 30. We used to have sex almost everyday. At a point, I was practically attending classes from his house. One evening, we were in the middle of sex in the bathroom when this guy’s babe started knocking. He refused to open and she cried and shouted for hours. Years later, I would use that as a reason not to trust any man: all guys cheat.
In fact, after I got bored and we stopped seeing each other, I started sleeping with a 34-year-old who was married and lived in another city. I was still actively dating someone in school.
That lasted a few years until the guy’s wife came all the way to the city I was in to beg me to stop sleeping with her husband. I felt so bad and humiliated; I didn’t date a married man again for many years.
What was the sexual relationship with the person you were dating in school like?
The sex was crappy. The guy thought he was a stud. All the girls in school wanted him and were angry he was dating me — if only they knew. I think I hung on to him for the cool factor. He was my alcohol and party plug. He also had a car in school.
Did you date any young person in university that you genuinely enjoyed sex with?
Nope. Except for that one time I dated someone who was about two years older. The sex was good, but he was too lovey dovey. That constantly irritated me.
What happened after university?
I dated another older guy. He must’ve been in his 40s. I even spent some months living with him. He was a sex animal. One time he brought a girl home, had sex with her in one room, then had sex with me in another. I knew she was there and didn’t care. Another time he brought one girl for both of us to have a threesome with.
The problem with this guy was that he was very controlling. He was the first person I dated that made me realise that men want to have you for themselves. They want to be free to do as they like, but they don’t want you to have anyone else. After him, I refused to date for a long time.
Were you having sex during this time?
Yes. I had an off and on thing with a guy from my hometown. We still call each other the loves of our lives
A few years back, I still had something with him. He’s married and I’m married as well, so it ended badly. He wanted to leave his wife and I felt he was just using me. We have great sex, but our friendship is more important, so I cut him off.
When did you get married?
2010. I was 29. My family was mounting pressure on me to get married. I had a boyfriend I barely liked and he desperately wanted to marry me, so I said why not. I already knew I would be a bad wife. I didn’t want a husband.
What was the sex like with him before marriage?
It sucked then. It still sucks now. My partner is very lazy in bed and I don tire to complain.
Is the marriage any different from the sex?
Hmm. Not really.
I did not start out with the intention to cheat. I have had difficulties carrying a pregnancy to full term — I’ve had seven miscarriages and we’re still childless. In his nonchalant attitude towards joining me in finding a lasting medical solution, I met an older man. The first of three older men.
Tell me about him.
He’s 20 years older and divorced. I met him at one work thing; we just started talking, one thing led to another and he said he wanted to have sex with me. I said to myself, ‘Why not?’ It might be better than what you are currently getting. And boy was it better, far better. He was always buying me gifts. I became so used to having extra money, I had to break it off after he became clingy and wanted to marry me. Around this time, I was considering ending my marriage, but family pressure prevailed and I stayed.
What happened next?
I moved away from home (and my husband) to another city for work and that’s how I met this rich politician. He’s married, but his wife and three kids live in another country, so he lives as though he is single. We were sex buddies for a long time and though the sex wasn’t all that, I kept seeing him because he was good with dropping money. At this point, I wanted to try getting pregnant with someone else to see if it would stay and my husband would be forced to divorce me. I told this man and he refused. He said that he had enough children.
You’re really determined to have kids.
I have always wanted children even when I didn’t want a husband. If I had known things would turn out like this, I would have just tried getting pregnant instead of getting married. I love children. I know the responsibilities involved in having children. I practically raised my last sibling and one of my nieces. Not having children gives you a measure of freedom, I know, but I still want them. Children of your own make a difference. There’s a bond separate from what you have with your nieces and nephews.
Fair. So what happened after? Did you end things?
Yeah, things ended and for two years after that, I was alone. I only had sex once or twice a year, whenever I saw my husband. Remember, we didn’t live in the same city, so we didn’t see each other all the time.
The sex was still the same old boring sex.
Sad. What’s your sex life these days?
I am on my third sugar daddy and, honestly, he is the best. The sex is great, I have mindblowing double orgasms. What they say about ijaw men is true. Imagine a 55-year-old who gives great career advice, corrects my academic papers, encourages me to start a PhD, is generous to a fault and has mad bedroom skills and stamina.
I make a lot of money, but my friend, there’s nothing like free money to spend on gold and live the baby girl lifestyle.
Mad. Have you tried bringing up the baby issue with him?
Oh yes. He has agreed to start trying on the condition that I stop sleeping with my husband. I have agreed totally. If I can get pregnant and carry to term I would be eternally grateful to him and thank God he’s not looking for a wife now or anytime in the future.
We recently just got tested just so we can start having unprotected sex.
I should mention that I am also trying to adopt legally, but the process is frustrating in Nigeria.
I’m super curious about your relationship with your husband. I know it’s not working, but how do you manage the long distance?
It just works. I’ve asked for separation and he didn’t agree, so.
I don’t like being married and if I had to advise my younger self, I would tell her not to bow to the pressure of getting married. Marriage is not for everyone. Yes, I want children. Yes, I like sex. But I am a serial monogamist and I think marriage in the Nigerian sense is not really beneficial for people like me. Unless one is lucky to meet a really great person
Fair enough. Do you think he might also be cheating?
Hmm. Let me just mention that he now has two children. He had one before we got married. He had another one a few years ago. I didn’t want to bring that up, so it doesn’t sound like an excuse for sleeping with others. My dear, life is not straightforward.
It’s not. So, how would you rate your sex life?
7 over 10. I get great sex now, but not as often as I would want because we are both busy. But he’s so good and he has money for his baby girl. My dear, what more can I ask for?
As told to Eris Ekanem
I had a conversation with a 24-year-old who suspects that her husband cheated on her with his cousin while they were still dating. She talks about the age difference between them, the disrespect she had to endure while dating him and the choice she had to make.
There are so many decisions I have made that I regret. My only excuse is that I was young and very naive. Looking back, I can see how easy it was for people to take me for granted. First off, I was a 17-year-old dating a 32-year-old man. Secondly, I got pregnant and married him 4 years after. Within those four years, so many things happened that threatened our relationship and I wish I saw them for what they were: red flags.
When my husband and I were dating, it was a rollercoaster ride. The contrast in personality and age was vast, but the idea of dating someone older held a thrill for me.
My life was pretty simple. I lived with my parents, and he lived with a family friend because he needed to be close to school and work. For someone who was a big deal in the area, people didn’t get why he would date me. In a lot of ways, I felt lucky that he was dating me. His ex-girlfriend was such a babe that waves of insecurity hit me every time she came up in a conversation.
I thought my husband was only with me because I was a virgin, and he wanted to fuck and go. In fact, that was his initial plan, but after a while, he decided to take things more seriously. I made up my mind to have sex with him because I felt I was going to do it anyways and it was best to do it with someone I won’t regret being with.
The real problem started when the younger sister of the family friend he was living with got very close to him. I figured she didn’t like me at all because when I started dating my husband, I would greet her and she wouldn’t respond. The way she’d look down on me, I could tell she couldn’t imagine what he saw in a small girl like me when she was there, a working-class lady with her own car.
After the second year of dating my husband, she realised that we were getting pretty serious, so she started speaking to me. However, it didn’t stop her from laughing at me with her friends when they came around.
I was hurt, but I just ignored the whole thing out of love for my husband. But, there were so many times that this same man that I was enduring insults for would leave me on the bed in his flat and go to her flat.
I would wake up in the middle of the night and I won’t see him on the bed.
Sometimes, I’d worry so much I’d start pacing. The first time it happened, he said he went out for fresh air because the room was hot and had lots of mosquitoes. This was a blatant lie because he didn’t want me to follow him to get that fresh air he was receiving
And I couldn’t go to the other flat cause nobody knew I was staying in his flat for the night. He had to sneak me in at night and sneak me out early in the morning after everyone goes to work.
When it became too much, I confronted him about it. He swore that they were cousins and he had never done anything with her. While he was talking, I kept thinking, “Why are you cheating and lying about it? The lies are so disrespectful because you don’t even rate me enough to put in the effort.” I felt extremely hurt.
I knew for a fact that he was cheating because there was a time he was talking to his friend and he mistakenly let out that he has seen the other girl naked. He didn’t know I was in the room. He just went on and on about how the girl likes to touch herself and fuck her pillow cause she doesn’t have a man.
I would cry and ask my friends for advice. Some told me to leave the relationship. They believed we won’t end up together because I was so much younger than him and had nothing to offer. I was also scared to leave him because I had already gotten an abortion for him and he was all I knew.
In our 4th year together, I left him to date someone else. I really liked the new guy. He was everything I could ask for in a man. The new guy was kinder and just perfect but I found out I was pregnant for my ex, I couldn’t abort this one again. The guilt from the first abortion almost killed me. Honestly, I just didn’t have it in me to do it the second time.
I really didn’t want to go back to the relationship. After being taken for granted, I was tired of him sleeping with other girls and reassuring me of my place in his life. He was so freaking arrogant. He planted the impression that if I tried another relationship, they will fuck and dump me. I held on to him for so long because I didn’t feel desirable.
My current boyfriend thought the pregnancy was for him and wanted me to keep it but I had to tell him the truth. I didn’t want him to care for the child and one day find out the truth so I left him.
My ex took responsibility for the pregnant and we got married. His “cousin” was at the wedding giving me the stink eye. Her mother and herself were just acting strangely throughout. I knew it was because they didn’t expect my husband to marry me. But I don’t care. I have learnt to just put myself together and live without regrets.
Anyway, he is nicer now. Much better than when we were dating but I sometimes wish things turned out differently.
The subject of this week’s What She Said is a 32-year-old Nigerian woman who grew up resenting her mother for marrying and divorcing three times. Now that she’s older, a feminist and has been divorced once, she says she understands.
Let’s talk about growing up. What was that like?
We moved a lot. It was a bit adventurous, but it also didn’t feel good. I never felt rooted in something and I still don’t. Not friends, not places, not things. One minute we were in the North, the next, we were in Oyo, then we came to Lagos.
Why were you moving around a lot?
Hmm. We were moving for or because of men o.
Let me start from the beginning. My mother married early. I think she was 18. The man she married was twice her age. This was way before I was born. She was a Muslim then and lived in the North with her husband. She had two children for him. Then she converted to Christianity and the extended family said that she can’t be married to their son and be Christian.
The man too did not defend her. They divorced and she moved to another town. They didn’t let her take her first two children though and that really broke her. I was born about 8 months after she moved to the new town. Immediately after I was born, she moved to the South.
Now, here’s the thing, I don’t know if I was conceived before she left her first husband or if she was seeing someone after she left him. I don’t think that she herself, she knew. So, where did I come from?
You don’t know or you’re not sure who your father is.
My dear, I really don’t. Sometimes, I just tell myself that I fell from heaven. That one is sweeter to hear.
LMAO. Did you ever ask your mother about this?
A ton of times. She’d say I should leave her jare.
But that’s not even the problem. The problem was that she was always seeing or marrying someone new and each time, we’d have to move for them. I don’t remember much from before I was 5, so I can’t say if there were any male figures around and there are no pictures to prove this, but I know that she married again when I was five. I know because she did a church wedding and I was the flower girl or something.
That marriage didn’t last a year. They used to fight about money. My mother used to sell gold and at the same time teach in a school. By some standards, she was rich. He used to ask her for the money in order to help her save it. Savers club. My guy spent the money on drinks and women. Sharp guy.
What?
It pained my mother and she didn’t hide her pain. She was very vocal — she’d say what was on her mind, so when she found out, she gave it to him rough.
My grandmother who lived with us didn’t want her to leave this marriage because she didn’t think that the problems they had were bad and because my mother was ‘getting older’ — she was in her late 20s at this time o. My mother in addition to being vocal has strong-head. So she did what she wanted and left the marriage. We didn’t even have anywhere to go. One day, she just packed our things and we hit the road.
You know the plot twist?
What?
My grandmother left my grandfather for something similar. She told me this recently. They were never married, but they lived together, and he used to sell stuff from her farm for her. He was typically supposed to remit the full money to her, but would only remit some and pocket the rest. My grandmother was okay with this. She felt it was her contribution to the home. A few years later, she found out that he had another family elsewhere and that it was her money he was using to feed them.
Omo.
That’s the only reaction I could think of when she told me about it.
Did she leave him?
Yeah. Not immediately. It was when my mother started having children that she left. She hasn’t turned back. She doesn’t even know where he is right now.
You come from a line of women who know their rights.
Back then, this was known as ‘waywardness’.
Fair point.
I can tell that my grandmother was trying to protect my mother from the public backlash that came with marrying, divorcing and remarrying.
And she did get a ton of backlash from the catholic church she attended because she was single. Then she moved to protestant and she got backlash there for remarrying. Do you know that this woman eventually just gave up on her religion. She still sent me to church, but I never saw her go to church except for weddings for the rest of her life.
That sounds reasonable. When did the third husband come in?
Ah before the third husband, there was a love interest. They fell in love in one day oh. My mother went to the market and came home to tell us that we were moving. We were still settling into life away from her ex when this guy came into the picture and carried us to Lagos. My mother was a beautiful woman, premium hotcake so I can see why these men didn’t leave her alone. He promised her the world. Gold oh, silver oh, diamond oh. When they got to Lagos, tell me where this man was living.
Where?
Face-me-I-slap-you.
NO.
This was the 90s self. Those houses weren’t so bad back then. The worst part was that he had four children and expected that my mother would take care of the children in their one room and parlour.
Wow.
This man did nothing but sit at home, watch TV and make demands of my mum. He was annoyed that my grandmother and I were in the picture, but he was generally nice to us. We didn’t have anywhere to go, so we stayed a few months before my mother uprooted our lives and took us away.
This move particularly pained me (as a child) because I was finally among children my age and it was fun. Uncomfortable, but fun. I used to pray for us to never move. My grandmother used to pray for us to leave. When we finally left him, my grandmother gave serious thanksgiving in church.
During this time, my mother had a good job working in a school. We were somehow able to get a space in the school to stay. That’s where we went until she found husband number three. I told her that if we left, I’d kill myself. We had a big fight.
Yikes. That must have caused a dent in your relationship?
If I’m being honest, we didn’t have a great relationship before or after then. So this one was just drama. On my end, it increased my resentment. It made me more inclined to believe what people said about my mother, that she was good for nothing.
Was that her last husband?
Yup. He was emotionally abusive and used to threaten her a lot. Of course, I didn’t know this at the time. I just felt that my mother was the problem. I believed anyone who has left two husbands and couldn’t maintain stable relationships needed to examine themselves. I was too young to really understand the peculiar relationship between womanhood and marriage.
What kind of things did he do?
He’d compare her to other women, laugh at her, call her names — things like that.
That sucks. How long was she with him?
Quite a long time. The longest she had been with any man. Maybe 5 years. I know that I was about entering university when she left him finally. And it was because he called her a prostitute. She just packed and left with us again. She was able to afford to leave because her previous marriages had taught her to save. She moved into her uncompleted building — a bungalow that she had been building for years — when we left. I’m not even sure if she ever got officially divorced from him. But they separated and a few years later, my mother died.
Now that you’re older and you have more context, what do you think of your mother’s life?
She lived. I still don’t think that I like that her life revolved more around her men than herself or her career. But for a woman who wasn’t all too educated or empowered, she seemed to be quite knowledgeable. She made mistakes, but she didn’t let that determine her outcome.
You know the most import thing I learned from my mother?
What?
Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ or to gather yourself together and move on after you fail or make mistakes. Life is too short to be doing anyhow. This was her outlook towards her failed businesses, her failed marriages and relationships. It was her outlook towards religion too.
Solid. What about you, how’s your love life?
Nonexistent right now. But I used to be married.
What happened?
We were in love — sometimes, I think I still love him self. One day though, we had an argument about something and he threatened to kill me. I realised, even though we forgave each other and move on from whatever caused the fight, that I became very scared of him and it affected my mental health.
When I had my daughter, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and was suicidal. I woke up one day and decided I had to leave. Even my grandmother was supported me too. She thinks that my mother’s marriages and relationships with men killed her. She doesn’t want me to die young. Me self, I no wan die.
What would you have done differently if you were your mother?
I’m not sure if I would have done anything differently. I can only assume.
But one thing is, I wish I had a better relationship with her. I wish I was more empathetic. I wish we spoke more and I had more context. I’m still unearthing several things about her life from letters, other documents and through my grandmother.
Now I just do my best to be a good mother to my daughter. I’m not afraid to instill some of the lessons I learned from my mother’s life. Two major things I’m teaching her: it’s important to be a feminist. Secondly, you don’t have to get married or be into men.
Aww. How old is she?
Three. If you don’t get them started early, you’ll regret it.
If you’d like to share your experience as a Nigerian woman, send me an email.
Are you ready to get married? If you think the answer is “yes”, the next question is: Will you make a good spouse? Well, that’s where this quiz comes in. Answer truthfully and we’ll let you know if you’re marriage material or not.
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
Let’s start in the trenches. When did you first feel like you were in a hole?
That must have been when I was in Uni. I wanted to study Medicine, but it wasn’t working out. I tried going abroad, gained admission, but my parents didn’t have money to pay. So, I just settled for one other random course here. That was the first time I knew that I and life were one kain.
What was money like growing up?
There were different phases. There was one where I didn’t know that we didn’t have money. I remember that my mum used to come and beg them to allow us to enter the school even though we hadn’t paid school fees.
It didn’t click until I was in uni and constantly broke. I just didn’t get it.
You started with your parents, but at the school fees point, you said ‘mummy’. Where was your daddy?
Hahahaha.
Hahahaha.
I always refrain from talking about the misadventures of older people, because I’m not there yet. But he pulled a typical “that type of daddy” move. He tried in some aspects sha, but that’s the summary.
Back to uni.
My allowance was like the stock market, always up and down. My siblings went to school far from home, so my mum always had to send money. I was the only one close to home, and she used to say that I can always come back home to eat.
There’s rice at home.
Hahaha. I had a bunch of friends, we were collectively broke. We’d wait till like 11 am, then we’d go and eat fufu, so it’d last until night. Hahaha.
After uni.
NYSC was the first time I was making consistent money. This was 2012/2013. My mum also stopped funding me. I think this was also the time I knew I was bad with money. I was earning ₦19,800. It wasn’t a lot of money, but you hear stories of people that saved through NYSC. My rent had been paid up already.
That was when it became clear that I was bad with money. After NYSC, I wanted to take a gap year. I just felt like I needed to breathe and learn more about myself.
Interesting.
You see, there’s broke and there’s brokenness. I got so broke, I had to cut that gap year short. My mum wasn’t giving me any money because she thought I was making a bad call. So, I went to Lagos to look for work.
Someone – extended family – was starting a small business, and they needed an extra hand. The business never got off the ground, but they got me a job at an NGO. That paid ₦25k. This was 2015 and my first real salary.
What were you doing?
Research Assistant. I was there for about seven months. The money wasn’t adding up again. How do I know it’s seven months? I had one shoe, a really nice shoe. I wore it every day. It spoilt, then I bought another one, and that one spoilt too. So you can say the lifespan of two shoes you wear every day is 7 months.
Interesting thing is that it was there I started learning some basic web development. There were some challenges the company was having with some tasks, so I just started researching stuff and picking up some skills. I just kept stumbling into things, until I got introduced to someone who’d give me feedback on some things I’d tried.
Then one day, in 2016, I asked to be an intern at his office, for three months. I actually said I wanted to work for free. I didn’t know how I was going to survive.
What kind of place were you in at that point?
I was low, with no plans, and I was getting old – I was 26. Everybody seemed to just be getting it right, except me.
Anyway, they didn’t let me work for free. So they paid ₦25k. Three months later, when my internship should have ended, I got a raise to ₦50k. Another three months later, it increased to ₦100k. At that point, interestingly, I’d gotten married.
Wait. Wait. You were in the middle of figuring out your –
– Yep.
First of all, you barely earned. And in the thick of all of that, you decided to get married.
Yes. So, I’d always wanted to get married. Like, I really hold religion in high se… See, at that point, I really just wanted to have sex.
Ha. So, konji.
I’ve thought about it properly, but I’ll just be lying to myself. I just wanted guilt-free knacks at that very moment.
Oh, my days.
There was no ceremony, we just became legal – families and consent and all. The good thing was that she’s quite entrepreneurial, so she had a lot of things going. Also, her dad was still covering her big bills. Also, we actually weren’t planning on living together immediately. She had a place in a family house different from where her parents lived.
Then I moved in, and it just took rent away for a while.
This aggression that you used to enter marriage. Hmm.
First of all, I got laid off, then my wife got pregnant.
Hayy.
Looking back, I know that if I was focused on being extremely better at the job, I would have done much better. So many things were happening, and I was not giving my job the best. I started chasing many tiny small gigs, but nothing significant.
You were unemployed and expecting a baby. What was that like?
There’s one moment that sums up how that period was. My wife was frustrated and understandably angry. One day, she came out of the room while I was working. She was like, “you’ll just be working but you’re not making any money. The person that is sleeping is better than you.”
Omo.
Yah. So, I was just working on bad projects, anything that’d pay the next bill. The thing about being in that place is that you’re always owing. So any money you earn, you’re trying to use to pay debts.
What is ₦50k in the market when you’re buying baby stuff? I think there was another thing that made the whole period a struggle.
I’m listening.
So, it’s not like she grew up rich-rich, but all the male figures in our lives had their shit together. When you start in marriage with dreams of “e go better”, it gets really old quickly. Save your stories, abeg.
In all, solid babe. Two weeks before she gave birth, I got another job. Two of my guys gave me money to pay for the hospital bills. Now, I started the job at ₦180k per month. A breath of relief.
When you have months of financial backlog, it takes a while for things to stabilise. First of all, I’d partially ruined my wife’s business, so I had to fund that. Thankfully, someone sent enough clothes to last a year from abroad.
Three months later, it became ₦220k, and things started to ease up a little. I was there for 8 months, then I quit.
Why?
Nothing was happening, and I wasn’t growing. Most of the team I was working with had quit too. I left before I even got another job, which was a valuable lesson.
When you have a wife and children, you don’t leave before you get another job. You suck it up. Those two months before I got another job?
Intense.
Ahhh. Boy. I didn’t have to sense to have an emergency fund before quitting. I just did Insha Allah.
And vibed the rest.
I don learn. I got another job that was paying ₦235k. This was 2018. I was there for four months when I got this amazing new opportunity. It was supposed to pay ₦500k. With pride, I quit my other job. I didn’t like it there, it was toxic. I don’t understand why the Oga will come to the office and be shouting at people.
But you see, in the space of two weeks at the new job –
Tears?
– they shut down operations. Some financial issues sprung up.
Hayy, what of your ₦500k?
I just saw a credit alert of ₦130k, without warning. When I called the Oga, he started telling me stories. I was so disappointed. I’d just quit a job with a family o.
I quit immediately. At this point ehn, you either just completely lose it, or pray and hope. But I was constantly switching between the two.
And just around that period, we had to leave the family house we were living in, at two months’ notice. It’s wild because we’d been living there for a year and a half, and it felt like it flew by. But all of it was my screw up.
How?
There are certain basics that you need to fulfil before you even consider marriage. You need a dependable job, and a house to live in. I had a job, but the money was not responsible.
This last job wahala, I’d just started winning the confidence of my wife back, and then all of that happened.
Coincidentally, another family member of hers from another side – a father figure – called my wife like, you said you wanted to buy a car, oya I’ll send you money.
How much did he send?
₦1 million.
Hmm. There’s no car now, is there?
I took a loan a ₦700k from my wife, and then we got a place. She put ₦300k in her business. I didn’t get a job for 5 whole months.
Not even small gigs?
Oh, I got those small ones to survive and pay the next bill. I also just focused on supporting her business, because that was what was really feeding us. So, I ran all the errands, did all the legwork. I mean, I felt I could have been supporting her more, but it was the least I could do at the time.
Then she started feeling that heat again.
“Working without money” heat?
Yes. I was so frustrated. It was the end of the year, and companies don’t hire that much at the end of the year because they’re closing books. I’d interviewed and interviewed.
In March of 2019, I got a call. A job. My salary went back to ₦183k. When they confirmed me as a full staff, my salary was increased to ₦224k. It’s the best place I’ve worked.
While I was there, another opportunity came, and it was offering ₦370k. It’s the first time I transitioned from one job to another, seamlessly. I didn’t even leave immediately. I was juggling both.
It was the beginning of a new chapter.
Mad o!
Serious confidence boost. I was happy because it was the first time my wife could stop thinking about money constantly.
I juggled the two gigs for four months, then dropped the lower-paying one.
By January 2020, someone was willing to pay me ₦250k. Part-time. It also happened to come just before the lockdown. Another company needed me on a short time basis. ₦180k a month. My wife was telling me that ah, you’re going to get exhausted. I think it was born out of all those years of chasing.
And now, all the opportunities just came.
So, here I was, in the middle of the pandemic, making ₦370k, ₦250k, and ₦180k in the middle of a pandemic.
₦800k. What does that do to the brain?
I dunno, but the first feeling I felt was gratitude. People were losing their jobs, and I was getting more, and I just felt a sense of duty. I was just wiring money up and down.
“My mum nee – ” pew!
“Someone is sick –” pew pew!
I made ₦1.6 million in two months, and I have only ₦600k in savings. It was the first time in years that I could be useful to other people. I was trigger happy. It felt very good.
What has this switch up done to your perspective on money?
Frankly, I don’t even feel like I worked hard this year. Maybe experience means I’m not more efficient. But all of it coming as everyone was unsure, was weird. Like, the period I really really hustled, the money didn’t come.
I guess you can call that career capital. I’m at a place where I’ve even stopped applying to Nigerian jobs. I only take it when it comes. Foreign gigs are what I’m on the lookout for.
Energy. Let’s break down your best income month’s expenses.
What’s something you want right now but can’t afford?
A car, for my wife’s convenience. For me, I really dunno.
What’s something you wish you could be better at?
Financial planning. I also want to get better at my work, because when I get better, I get more money.
What’s your emergency plan for general stuff like?
Just that ₦600k. But I’m definitely working on it going forward. So, I think I’m just new to the money, and I just spent the last year misbehaving. Now, my head has started to settle. I’m even re-learning basic things like how to buy clothes. When you’ve been chasing the next meal for too long, you don’t even think about clothes.
Let’s talk about your financial happiness, on a scale of 1-10.
I’ll say 9. I’ve always worked on my contentment for as long as I remember. The thing that really bothers me is other people I’m responsible for. I really just want to take care of other people. Building a family, the rewards are slow, and it can sometimes feel mundane. But when you ask me what I am, I’ll tell you I’m happy.
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Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
The woman in today’s WHAT SHE SAID, there’s nothing worse that being single and fat in your 30s. She talks about how the problem of finding clothes her size made her start making clothes for plus-sized women and why she’s currently doing everything she can to lose weight.
Tell me a bit about yourself.
I’m a fashion designer and tailor. I’m 36 years old, I’m overweight and I’m single. When I meet people for the first time, I like to tell them that I’m fitfam because people look at me and just automatically assume I put everything I see into my mouth.
I currently weigh about 119kg — which is a good month. At my largest early this year, I weighed about 132kg.
Let’s start from the beginning.
I’ve been trying to lose weight for years. People see me and think I’ve always been this big. Wrong. When I was in secondary school, I wasn’t this big. Yes, I was taller and slightly bigger than my classmates so people used to call me buffon, orobo, gorilla and things like that. But I wasn’t even fat like that, like that. I was just big boned and tall.
I began to gain weight just around the time my parents died in an accident. Something happened when we travelled home for the burial. One of my older cousins raped me. Along with the grief and trauma of losing my parents and then losing my virginity by being raped, I began to eat a lot.
I’m so sorry you experienced that.
Thanks.
When I started university, all the clothes I had from secondary school couldn’t size me and somehow, my weight just kept increasing. I’m obsessed with numbers so I check my weight very often. Then I let myself go. That’s what my step-mother says, that I let myself go and let my fat take over.
If my clothes couldn’t size me, I didn’t care, I just bought new ones. I got stared at a lot, I got called unhealthy when I went to the hospital, even if it was for something as basic as treating a UTI or doing a test. I have had strange men and women tell me how to lose weight — what products to drink, what waist trainer to buy, etc.
I once tried therapy. What happened was, someone spat on me in public and told me I didn’t deserve to eat. That night, I really wanted to kill myself. I was going to, but a friend stopped it and linked me up with a therapist.
I’m so sorry. How often did you go to see the therapist?
Maybe two times or three times. I really couldn’t afford it, so I stopped.
Was therapy able to help?
I won’t say that it completely helped. I would say though that I had some kind of awakening about the same time and decided to try to embrace my body. I weighed about 110kg then. It was really difficult to embrace my body when it was definitely not acceptable by any standard. So that didn’t workout. In fact, I began to hate my body more.
The real awakening came from the problem of getting clothes my size. It’s difficult to find clothes your size when you’re plus-sized. These days, there are brands that cater specifically to plus-sized women, but back then, not so much. Women outfits often stopped at 14/16 and I was a size 20. Even when I saw a plus-sized outfit that was my size, it was ridiculously expensive. I decided to start learning how to sew. That’s what I threw all my energy into.
How did that go?
It’s still going very well. I don’t only make clothes for plus-sized women, but rest assured, you’ll always find outfits for plus-sized women in my shop.
What other things made accepting your body so difficult?
Mostly external remarks at first. But then it became the marriage problem. When I started my business at 22, I had never had a boyfriend. It wasn’t a big deal to me because I felt I was still young. By 28, which was a really good year for my business, most of my classmates and friends were married and had children. I didn’t take the problem seriously then too, I believed there was still time. Then my step-mother told me that I was too focused on my business and not my personal life and that I had to settle down. She used the bridal outfits I was making for clients to insult me. E pain me. Said I’m selling my glory and things like that. My friends, siblings, relatives started trying to match-make me. That didn’t work out because once the men saw I was big, they got repulsed or at least seemed to be repulsed. Gosh, when I think of all the blind dates I went on, I want to bite myself.
Haha. That bad?
The ghetto. It was also partly my fault because I thought that being this fat, I didn’t deserve anything good. So I didn’t do any proper screening. Just before I turned 30, I finally met a man that seemed like he was interested. Turns out he was just one of those men that had a fat-fetish. We had a lot of sex, but he wouldn’t go out with me, wouldn’t take pictures with me, wouldn’t introduce me to his friends. It was the sex for him. I was going to stick to it, but omo, it was too toxic. Then I met another guy. The problem with this one was that he looked at me as some kind of personal project. His goal seemed to be to make me lose weight. He would get mad if I ate late or if I didn’t work out. At first I complied because I assumed he was looking out for me, but after falling sick from starving myself in order to lose weight, I came correct and decided to end things.
Have you met any good guys yet?
Honestly, no and I’m tired of being single. First of all, it’s incredibly lonely. Then, I have 4 sisters. They are younger than me, skinny, more beautiful and by some twist in fate, all married with children, except for the youngest who is already engaged. I used to think the pressure to get married wouldn’t get to me, but it’s gotten to me and it’s choking me like mad. It’s almost as if everywhere you go, marriage is the topic.
And being a feminist, some people just assume you’re immune to affection or love or marriage or to the pressure that comes with any of these things. Or that you’re immune to being fatphobic and hating yourself. Na lie. You’re 30 and not married? Error oh.
How long have you been single?
It’s been six years since I was actually in a relationship.
How often have you been on dates in this time?
Very few unremarkable times. I like to tell people that I’m very fat just as a heads up. If they don’t bail when I tell them this, they bail when they eventually see me, except they have the fat fetish.
Another problem is that I’m not ‘thick’ in the conventional sense — I’m not the acceptable standard of fat. I don’t have really huge jugs, huge hips and a huge ass. And that even makes me hate my body even more. I try my best not to, but it’s hard.
Let’s talk about losing weight. You mentioned at the start of the interview that you always tell people you’re fitfam.
Yes. It’s absolutely necessary. There are too many stereotypes about being a fat woman. People don’t know that I work out. They just assume that because I’m big, I’m lazy and eat too much. I started losing weight because I assumed that people (men, especially) would like me better if I was smaller.
My step-mother keeps saying my weight is the reason I’m single. That and the fact that I’m too picky. She has actually used the ‘beggar doesn’t have choice’ line on me. Biggest insult I’ve ever received. So I shouldn’t choose wisely, just because I’m fat? Yes I’m tired of being single, but I’m not going to do wuruwuru to the answer.
I feel you. What kind of fitfam things are you doing?
I’ve tried intermittent fasting, I’ve done Keto, I’ve done low carb. For now, I’m just eating healthy and small portions at a time. I’m also gyming regularly. I like to swim, so I do that.
Was this what helped you lose the weight you lost early this year?
Intermittent fasting mostly.
I’m curious, outside of being single, how are you?
Mostly bored. I guess my weight and being single is such a big part of my existence, it’s hard to define myself outside of those two things. Well there’s my business too sha. That takes up a huge chunk of my time and I’m proud of what I do.
What’s the most important thing you’ve learned about yourself since you started fitfam?
That it’s okay to be tired, that it’s okay to want more, that it’s okay to accept your flaws, that it’s okay to acknowledge your problems even though you don’t know anything about solving them.
