For Nigerian women who want to get married, there are certain expectations of how their proposal should go. For some, it should be an intimate experience to connect with their partner and for others, they don’t mind fanfare. In this article, we asked five Nigerian women what they really thought about their proposals.
Omoye, 27
Mine happened in June 2020. It was an unusual proposal because it was during the pandemic, and he wasn’t in Nigeria at the time. I have always pictured how my proposal would be. I even had a set of rules. He had to have asked for my father’s blessing before going down on one knee. I wanted to be outside Nigeria. I also wanted to make sure my nails and hair were done. It went nothing like I imagined. It was really private. I got to pick my ring. The initial plan was I would fly out to his city but thanks to corona, we couldn’t do either.
So one day he told me he sent a package home and he needed me to help him pick it up from UPS. Inside the package was a love letter and a lot of gifts — shoes, bags, clothes, skincare products, perfumes and more. I video-called him immediately, and he was playing my favourite love song in the background and reciting what he wrote in the love letter. When he asked the big question, I was already with the ring. My answer was yes, obviously. I love that I got to pick out my ring myself. I think it’s perfect that I knew it was going to happen but I didn’t expect it to happen the way it did.
Tomi, 34
I don’t think I was proposed to. You decide. The first time I met him, he said, “I don’t like the way your hair is not covered as my future wife.”. We didn’t talk about marriage after that, the parents just kinda took over and I found myself selecting blind colours. We got married three months after that.
We were together for 10 years, but we’re not anymore. I was indifferent about the proposal. If I were to try marriage again though, I don’t think I would want a formal proposal. It seems performative to me. I will like to be asked in bed like, “What are your thoughts on us getting married?”
Christiana, 29
He had already come with his dad to see my dad about “plucking a flower”, so I told him he didn’t need to propose — just give me the darn ring and get it over with.
He ignored me. We were on a weekend getaway and in the middle of an argument we were having at around 11 pm, he tossed the ring box at me. I bawled out my eyes. I didn’t hear the actual proposal. He was on one knee and all that. I was just giddy. After everything, he was like let’s watch a movie and I’m like, yeah sure, shining my teeth anyhow. The television comes on and it’s videos of my family, friends and my colleagues saying congratulations- to us. Let’s just say I emptied out my tear ducts that night.
Abimbola, 25
I loved every moment of mine. It happened at a public place, but it was intimate. It was just me, my fiance, three of our friends and the photographer. My friends made sure I got my nails and makeup done that day by a professional. They told me we were going for a girls night out. Before then, I had done my nails just once in my life. Only for me to step into my engagement party. I was gassed up. I can’t think of any other way it could have been better. They caught me completely off guard.
Ezinne, 24
It was weird because he proposed without a ring and we had two proposals. The first one was in September, the second proposal was in November, on my birthday. The first one was private. We were talking one night and he started saying all the right words. He said he couldn’t wait any longer to ask me. I said yes. On my birthday, he surprised me with the ring. I really liked both but the private one was the best thing ever. I like how intimate it was. I couldn’t stop laughing but I wish he had the ring the first time.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We Kept Finding Our Way Back To Each Other
Victor, 31, and Wendy, 29, have been married for three years, and they’ve been friends since they were kids. For today’s Love Life, they talk about finding their way back to each other amidst exes, distance and bad decisions.
What’s your earliest memory of your partner?
Victor: I think I was 11 in JSS 2, and she was in primary school. We had some joint events, so I used to see her around. She was tiny, quiet and had big eyes. I thought she was cute.
Wendy: I saw him around the school too. I was in Primary 6, and his class was a floor above the primary school at the time.
Do you remember the first time you interacted?
Victor: I’m not sure when the first time was exactly, but I figure it was during one of the joint events. I know I definitely saw her at one of the Christmas parties and we spoke, or at the very least, I spoke to her sister.
Wendy: LMAO. It was definitely through my sister. She used to come to pick me up, so she became friends with some of the guys in the secondary school. Victor was one of them, and that’s how I knew his name.
LMAO. Just friends?
Wendy: LMAO. Yeah, just friends. I think Victor had a crush on her, but she’s five years older than him. He was in JSS 2, and she had already finished secondary school. I think she just thought he was cute, and he really was.
How did things go after you started interacting?
Victor: The relationship was pretty much non-existent for the first few years. I used to smile and say hi whenever I saw her around, but we never really talked. I think we started properly talking when I was in university, and it was on Facebook.
Wendy: From Facebook, we moved to Twitter. Then I came back to Nigeria during my first year of university and we hung out for the first time in the cinema. He had a girlfriend then, and I was talking to someone, so we were just hanging out as friends.
That didn’t stop it from being weird when his girlfriend saw us together in the cinema. To be fair, he wasn’t answering her calls. He used to be very toxic, so I think he was tired of the relationship and was trying to get her to break up with him by frustrating her.
Victor: Wait. It’s not like I’m saying I wasn’t toxic then, but she’s definitely embellishing the story. I had originally tried to make plans with my girlfriend earlier in the day, and she had said she was unavailable.
I told her I’d make other plans, and I think she misread it as me being upset and then started overtalking the issue. It ended up pissing me off, so I went out with Wendy. I wasn’t even ignoring her; I was watching a movie and couldn’t answer her calls.
I tried to text her instead, but she kept trying to call me. It was annoying. Then she came to the cinema and tried to make it a big deal that I had gone with someone else. Anyway, that relationship had run its course, and I was just reluctant to end it.
Ah. I’m not touching that. When did you realise feelings had been caught?
Victor: Well…
This is for Wendy, please. You’ve clearly been in love since.
Victor: Omo. This is actually a big lie. I fell in love with her one week before our wedding. I didn’t know this babe. She was just sitting on the bench, waiting for her turn, and I was like, “Oya! Let’s see what you can do.”
Wendy: LMAO. Don’t mind him. Victor definitely liked me first. While I was in Nigeria, I got into a relationship for a bit, and when I went back to England, Victor started telling me, “I fancy ya” and “I want to be with ya”. I was like, “I have a boyfriend. Fuck off.”
The guy and I eventually broke up because the relationship was a sham. The next time I visited Nigeria, Victor was already in a relationship, but he still almost got into a fight with my ex at a barbecue.
Ah. Why?
Wendy: I had stupidly told him that Victor liked me, so there was just this weird energy between them. Anyway, I don’t think I actually started liking Victor until a few years later, when I fully moved back to Nigeria after university.
I was single and ready to mingle. So one night, I said I wanted to go clubbing and Victor said he’d come meet me at the club. We made out for the first time, and that’s when I knew I liked him too.
Victor: Omo. See lies. Just lies, lies and lies.
Wendy: LMAO. Are you mad?
LMAO. Where did she lie now?
Victor: See, I knew she was a fine girl, but I didn’t give it much thought because the circumstances didn’t make sense. We were rarely in the same country for any proper stretch of time, and even when we were, one or both of us were in relationships.
I do remember telling her that I thought she was fine and cool, but it wasn’t in an “I love you” or “I want to be with you” kind of way. To be honest, we still didn’t really know ourselves like that.
What about her ex you almost fought?
Victor: LMAO. I was unavailable at the time, so she went to find a lite version of me — Victor lite — and that’s how she ended up in a relationship. She now went to tell him that I liked her, and even though I wasn’t trying to move to her, he was jealous.
I actually can’t remember which barbecue she is talking about, but I was a very aggressive youth so that probably happened. Anyway, when I became single again, I finally decided to make my move because I could see a lot of men circling.
I threw my hat into the ring, and it was pretty straightforward from there.
Wendy: Wow. Now, who is lying? This guy ghosted me after our first makeout session in the club. He wasn’t picking up my calls or responding to my messages. I even called his roommate, but that one didn’t give him the phone. I just freed it.
We eventually had a conversation, and he said he was trying to get back with his ex. I was like, “Cool,” but I was obviously mad. Then about a month later, he came back and said it didn’t work with his ex. They had tried for a week, but he wasn’t into it anymore.
LMAO. Wow. Victor, what the hell?
Victor: Ok. Fine. It wasn’t so straightforward. I was still hung up on my ex at the time, and I really wanted to give that relationship one more chance. I wasn’t optimistic, but I don’t think I would have been able to go into this relationship still thinking, “What if?”
It was while I was trying to make it work with my ex that I realised how foolish I was. The issues that caused us to break up in the first place were still there, and I became more sure of what I wanted from a relationship. So, I ran back begging. I went all out.
Wendy: He practically asked me to marry him.
Victor: She is a detty liar. I sha told her I was finally ready, and I was willing to wait for her to be ready too. In her mind, it took her like three weeks to agree, but in reality, I knew I had washed her. She was in love again.
LMAO. Wendy, how exactly did he wash you?
Wendy: My birthday came up around that time, and he got me a huge old school iPod and put Drake’s “Own It” on it. He got me a lovely necklace that I still have, even though he always wears it now. He also got me headphones.
So, Victor does this thing where if he buys you a gift, he makes sure you have everything to enjoy that gift. Like, if he gets you an iPhone, he’ll also get you Apple Music subscription for a year. It’s so thoughtful.
I was also about to go to NYSC camp, so he went to Balogun Market by himself and bought every single thing I needed — from the white T-shirts to the fanny pack. I was like, “OK. Fine. You’ve won.” Once I came back from camp, we became official.
How was the relationship at the beginning?
Victor: I think we were very lucky. We were at similar stages in our life in the sense that we were both still growing. We had the most fights in our relationship very early on, and we also had the most arguments. We talked about everything.
She was very vocal about her feminist ideals, and I didn’t always get it. I wouldn’t say I was the most toxic nigga around, but I remember us having this argument about making decisions in the household.
I was still very Christian then, so it didn’t make any sense to me that the man of the house would not have at least 51% of the say. Thankfully, she was very patient with me, and I was able to unlearn and grow.
How long did you guys date before you got married?
Victor: We started dating end of 2013, got engaged at the beginning of 2017 and got married in December 2017. I remember us having conversations about marriage two years into the relationship, and I was concerned because I thought she was too young.
It’s funny because she’s just two years younger than me, but I always feel old. For me, it was very important that she didn’t blindly rush into a lifetime commitment. I was already willing to die there, and thankfully, she convinced me she wanted the same thing.
Wendy, how did getting married change the dynamic of your relationship?
Wendy: Honestly, I think we were acting married before we got married. My friends would call me Abokoku (in Yoruba, it means someone who wants to die with their husband) and they still do. Victor always gave me that same energy.
He made it okay for us to unapologetically simp over each other. I’m the kind of person that is happy to form for you if you’re forming for me. With Victor, he never formed. Early stages of the relationship, he was already pooping and farting in front of me.
We were friends first, so that kind of carried on into the relationship. The only thing that has changed is that we now live together and are on each other’s necks all the time. We’ve also become a lot more mature in terms of communication.
So, no more fights?
Wendy: The last time we had a shouting argument was probably 2018. We had the worst round of fights in 2017 when we were planning our wedding. Since then, we made a decision to never have those kinds of fights again.
Now, it’s very common for us to be mad at each other, and each person will go into their room to calm down. Then we have a conversation right after. That way we don’t get to heightened levels of anger.
That sounds great.
Wendy: Yeah. Then in terms of expectations for marriage, we don’t have any regarding the way a wife or husband is supposed to behave, and that has definitely helped. We also don’t have kids, and we don’t plan to have them this year or the next.
So, we are basically just best friends who live together and have sex.
Victor: LMAO. That’s exactly what I wanted. I wanted my own person that I could do life with and build my family with. I’m not even talking about kids when I think of a family. I just wanted my own unit, and Wendy has given me that.
I think we are very good together and very good for each other.
That’s so sweet. What do you love the most about each other?
Wendy: I know it sounds extremely cliche, but it’s difficult to pick just one thing I love about Victor. We’ve been together for 8 years now, and I still can’t get over how kind and thoughtful he is.
He is extremely friendly, very funny and very beautiful. He is my big teddy bear. We also work together a lot, and I like seeing the contrast between how professional and assertive he is at work and how goofy he is with me.
I love that I get to experience every aspect and facet of him.
Victor: I love that she thinks of me. A lot of times, I feel like I get so focused on doing right by everyone else that I forget to look out for myself. So, it’s reassuring to know that there’s someone always looking out for me.
She’s fantastic. She’s very kind, and she teaches me every day to be more empathetic. She says I’m very thoughtful, but that’s really just her rubbing off on me. I love that her inner beauty matches the very evident beauty on the outside as well.
It’s very easy to fall in love with Wendy. You can ask all her hoes and office people.
I’ll take your word for it. What do you see when you think of your future together?
Victor: When I imagine us in the future, all I see is enjoyment. I see us flourishing and thriving side by side. Do I see kids? Maybe. Maybe one. Maybe two. Maybe none. I sha see her, and that’s the most important thing. Everything else is jara.
Wendy: We haven’t decided if we’re gonna have kids, but if we are, it’s going to be when we leave this country. We’ll probably have two or three. . .
Victor: THREE? From where?
Wendy: We always say two or three now.
Victor: Ah. I’ve been saying one or two all my life.
Wendy: LMAO. Fine. Two. I’ll push one out and decide what is happening with the other one.
LMAO. You guys are killing me.
Wendy: With or without kids, I see us living our lives as unapologetically as possible. I see us evolving together and as individuals. I also see a lot of wealth. I’m saying it now oh.
Victor: You’re manifesting it?
Wendy: YES! I see a lot of wealth and enjoyment. I see us continuing to live our lives in a way that is not dictated by what society says we should be doing. We did away with religion since. Thank God!
Victor: LMAO. Thank who?
Wendy: LMAO. That was a Freudian slip. Anyway, we did away with religion and I think we are better for it. I’d also like to note that Victor and I are not intentional about our relationship in the way that many couples are.
Like, we don’t do quarterly assessments and all of that. It’s just vibes.
Victor: LMAO. I mean, we are intentional about some things, like loving each other and respecting each other.
Wendy: Yeah, the basics, but it’s mostly vibes.
LMAO. How would you rate this relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?
Wendy: 10 out of 10.
Victor: A solid 9 out of 10. Gotta leave room for more.
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The end of Emmanuel’s* 7-year-old marriage happened simply. It was 2015, and his wife was on a work trip to the US. When he reached out to know how her trip back home was going, she said it was going well and they needed to talk when she got back. “Up until that day, I felt we had issues like every couple but not to the extent of getting a divorce. Alas, I was very wrong. ” Emmanuel says.
With both parties in agreement, Emmanuel had imagined the divorce process would be an open and close case because his ex-partner eventually relocated to the US around that time. “Boy, was I wrong! I had to get a lawyer for ₦250,000 minus appearance fees and costs of filing and serving. She was served via her email (was good to know the legal system had taken a step into the modern age). It took two months for the process to fully begin. My lawyer advised me to file my case in a different state from where I lived, which cost me ₦10,000 appearance fees. Essentially, the whole process lasted for 15 months and cost over N350,000,” Emmanuel says.
The Divorce Process In Nigeria
Due to Nigeria’s unique social-cultural setting, and divorce laws that haven’t been reviewed since they were enacted in the ’70s and ’80s, getting a divorce in Nigeria is a tiring process. “The system is designed to keep parties together. In Nigeria, marriage is sacrosanct and it is believed that you must be serious [about your marital issue] to consider carrying out a divorce. There are cases where both parties want a divorce, but the judge thinks they shouldn’t get one; maybe they were laughing together in court? Congrats, no divorce. Go and settle your problems.” A divorce lawyer, Tolu Olowo, says.
Kingsley Esene, a family law attorney, tells us that statutory marriages officiated in a court or a church are much harder to dissolve, and only the High Court can mediate and approve a dissolution. “The process begins by filing a petition for the dissolution of the marriage at the high court, then the case will be assigned to a judge who will hear it. The other party -respondent-will be served with the petition. The respondent has 30 days to respond to the petition by filing an answer to the petition. The lawyer to the petitioner will file the necessary statutory forms to set the case down for trial and a date is given for trial. The trial comes up and parties present their case — the trial may take more than a day. The case is adjourned for final addresses after trial. Final addresses are taken and the matter is adjourned for judgment. Judgment is usually an order called the decree nisi that determines when marriage will end”. The order of decree nisi becomes absolute after three months from the date it is given.” Kingsley explains.
Cultural Reception
Nigerian courts are not the only institutions that hold marriage – no matter how possibly destructive it is to both parties – in extremely high regard. The average Nigerian views divorce as a murky and complicated concept that is the fault of the woman.
To get a snapshot of the church’s stance on this issue, a commentary published in the Nigerian Catholic Reporter, by Ukoma Andrew, a priest domiciled in the Holy Trinity Catholic Church, is a good way to start. Ukoma writes, “Marriage is no longer seen as a sacrament whereby a man and a woman are married for life. The injunction that they will remain married till death do them part no longer means much to a Westerner. Unfortunately, they are trying to impose that on Africans, and particularly Nigerians. Today, people marry for the wrong reasons — because the bride or groom is from a rich home or is rich.”
Amongst many cultures, marriage indicates a higher social status. Men are permitted to be adulterers and women aren’t in some cultures, and in some others, women are forced to give up their husband’s properties, even though the Marriage Act of 1990, Chapter 218 Laws of the Federation of Nigeria, states, “The married woman under the Act enjoys equal rights to the family assets acquired during the marriage and to be involved in their disposal during or after the marriage or upon the death of her husband.”
And because marriage is held in such high esteem, separations or divorces are often frowned upon. Emmanuel remembers getting mixed reactions when he told his family about his divorce. “With the older generation, it was like I’d committed a mortal sin. But the younger generation seemed more receptive to it. I also had to go through counselling in church though. But the greatest culture shock I got was when I wanted to remarry. Some members of my wife’s family just believed that there must be something that I am hiding. “For a woman to leave three children and run from a man, there must be something very wrong with him,” they said.
Looking back, Emmanuel, who has remarried and was able to get custody of his children, believes it would have helped if the divorce processes had been easier and hadn’t cost him so much money at a time when he had just lost his job.
“Since both parties were saying they were okay with the divorce, I didn’t think it was necessary to make it run that long. The court should have just dissolved the union and then ask us how we would want possession shared and custody of children. If any party is being unreasonable, then the court steps in and enforces why it feels is right. If both parties are okay with agreement, then the process moves ahead.”
Divorce, as Tola says, isn’t like in the movies where somebody brings paper, everybody signs and they go. It is much more complicated. Considering that more Nigerian couples are receptive to the idea of divorce now – with a 14% since the past year – perhaps it is time to review our existing laws.
If your boyfriend does at least five of the things on this list then you need to fix up.
1) He doesn’t pack your plates when you eat outside
This is a red flag that shows that he doesn’t have home training. Run!
2) He eats more than one piece of meat when he visits your house
This just shows that he’s greedy and will keep on taking and taking until there’s nothing left of/for you.
3) He wears tight cloths
He’s not protecting his chastity for you. Reddest flag.
4) He doesn’t hunt and kill the meat you people eat
Weakling!
5) Neither does he grow the food you people eat
He’s definitely not husband material.
6) He’s always asking for sex
Only God knows what his body count is. His groom price is definitely in the gutters.
7) He complains of hand pain when you sleep off in his arms
Real men are silent about pain like the “g” in Lasagna.
8) He grumbles when you send him on errands.
My good sis, is he even ready?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.
The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life,” is an interstate driver. He tells us about the risk involved in his job, his love for his wife and kids, and how he manages his girlfriends alongside his loving family.
MONDAY:
I don’t have a fixed time to wake up because my job is flexible. In the past, when I was a driver for Taxify, I’d wake up early so as to make a profit. However, since I stopped doing Taxify, I don’t have to wake up that early. I now do strictly calling. People who need my services call me for what they want and I help them out. I do anything transport — I drive people from one state to another, I help them drive their car for delivery from one state to another, and sometimes, I even help people buy cars. All na hustle.
I’m lucky that I have a good customer relationship and that’s why I have clients who always need me to help them do one thing or the other. And the funny thing is that I developed these relationships while I was still a driver on Taxify.
I tell people about the importance of honesty and human relationship because it has helped me. No be say na me holy pass, but I dey try. For the past three months, I’ve driven only one person, and we met on that same Taxify. One day in 2017, he ordered a ride and we were flowing. The next day, he called me to pick him up. We just clicked. From there, he became a plus in my life. Even though he’s based abroad, anytime he’s in Nigeria, I’m his driver. I leave all my other clients to strictly drive him for the duration of his stay. I can’t lie, he has been wonderful in my life. Even when he sends me message from abroad, I accomplish it. Always on point. In fact, today, we’re preparing to travel to his village. I need to put one or two things in place to prepare for the journey.
TUESDAY:
It’s very rare to see a faithful man. I don’t want to know how bad or ugly he is, as long as he moves around, he must have one or two babes to pass time with. That one is certain. It’s even worse for people like me who drive around all the states. I don’t have active babes in all the 36 states, but I have enough. Any state I enter, I must observe the ground and find at least one babe. Once I arrange the babe, anytime I visit that state, I holler at her. To make sure that she responds, I make our first meeting memorable for the girl. I will burst her head and flex her. And when we’re done enjoying, I will even dash her money. After that, many of them will be thanking me like fifty times. Me, I like honesty, so I tell them before we do anything that I’m married. I love my home. And this one is just both of us enjoying each other.
My parole is tight, and I talk in a way that they can’t say no. Again, with me, no dull moment. Haha.
WEDNESDAY:
Today, I’m thinking about how I don’t deserve my wife. I’m just opportuned to have this wonderful woman. It’s God that said she’ll be my own and love me for who I am. She’s my number one, and it’s because of that love that I don’t let her see any clue of my girlfriends. If any of my girlfriends calls my wife, I cut her off immediately because I don’t want anything to ruin my home.
I guard my home well because growing up, I saw my parents fight. And I don’t want my home to be like that. I love my two boys and one girl, and I cherish their mother. I can’t afford to send my kids to a big school, but the little I can afford, I give to them. I didn’t go to university even though I did all I could to make it work out. That’s why I made a vow that I’ll do whatever it takes for my kids to go to school. So far so good, I’m on track. My daughter is in JSS1 while the boys are still in primary school. I’m sending them to school, not because education guarantees success but because it’s vital — it’ll always set them apart.
People have asked me how come I have a wife, three kids and still have space for girlfriends. The truth is that I dey hustle well. Sometimes I may not make one naira in a week, but the next week, I’ll make ₦200k. I have clients that pay ₦20 – ₦30k here and there, and I join everything together. It’s God that’s helping me because the little money I get, I shuffle it. All departments must chop inside. It must sha go round.
THURSDAY:
Interstate driving is risky. I remember my accident on Christmas day of 2019 at Benin Bypass. I was going with this same friend that stays abroad when our car tumbled. I wasn’t the one driving, so I was in the back seat. The funny thing is that I was on the phone talking to my wife when it happened. One minute I was on the call, the next, I’m upside down inside bush. Fear catch me die. I was upside down looking at my phone still on, fuel was leaking out of the car, and I was strapped to the chair with the seat belt. I had to calm myself down to get out of the car. Then I also told my guy not to panic while I loosened his seat belt. Thank God for motorists who helped us out of the whole situation. With their help, we turned the car back straight and then Road Safety came to tow the vehicle. Even after that incident, I didn’t stop driving. I can’t stop driving. It’s a part of me. Anytime I touch a car, I’m at peace.
If I have my way, I’ll invest in a transport business because I know there’s money in here. This is the field where I’ve spent all my life. This is all I know and this is where my talent lies.
FRIDAY:
I love my kids so much. No matter how bad my day is, once I see them, I just brighten up. My work doesn’t give me enough time for my kids. When I’m in Lagos, I make sure I spend time with them. Sometimes I won’t travel for two months and other times, I wouldn’t be in Lagos for three weeks straight. There’s just that fatherly love that they bring out in me.
Even when I’m with any of my girlfriends, I must still speak to my kids. I’ll call to hear their voice: I’ll ask them about their studies, if they’ve eaten, and how their day went. I’m never far away from them.
I honestly don’t know how they’ll feel if they know I have girlfriends. All I know is that I won’t bring any drama near my house. Even if I’m a killer outside, I want to be a saint in my own home. I may not have a lot of money but home matters to me. I’ve been married for twelve years, and I don’t know if I can keep on living if anything happens to my family.
To be honest, I’m even changing. I’m not bad like that. If I count my girlfriends, I have only five consistent ones. I’ve removed the inconsistent ones from my list because no time. I’m also thankful that God take libido bless me to be able to keep everyone satisfied. It’s grace. I be pure Igbo guy, I strong die.
Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: His Ex-Fiancee Felt Like The Second Wife
*Yinka, 31, and *Kayode, 32, have known each other for 13 years and have been married for months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about moving on from an ex, setting boundaries and living in different timezones.
What’s your earliest memory of your partner?
Yinka: It was in 2005, and we were both in university. A choir was formed for a school event, and we both joined. I remember he was skinny and a little light-skinned.
Kayode: Light-skinned and skinny? Na wa oh. Tough crowd. We went to the same university, shared a couple of mutual friends. In fact, my first-ever girlfriend, Kemi*, was friends with Yinka.
Yinka: We are still friends. Before I married Kayode, I had to ask her for permission. Can you believe she even forgot she dated him? She’s married now though.
Kayode: I honestly don’t get why you had to ask for her permission. We dated a long time ago.
Yinka: Believe it or not, she was my go-to person for all things you when we started dating.
So, how did you guys move from university friends to husband and wife?
Yinka: After graduating, we followed each other on Twitter and Instagram. In November 2016, we met again after school at his ex’s wedding. He dropped me off at my destination.
Kayode: I remember us taking a picture together that day. Little did we know we’d end up together.
Yinka: Life. That day, when I got home, I realised that I couldn’t find my power bank and I buzzed him on IG to help me check his car. We never found the power bank, but it seemed to open the communication window for both of us.
Kayode: We were both in relationships back then, so it was nothing serious. Mostly me asking about job openings at the company she worked in.
Yinka: That was in 2016 and by then, I was flying solo. Meanwhile, he was still in a relationship. In fact, in 2017, Kayode proposed to his girlfriend and we all congratulated them.
The plot thickens. What were you doing during that period?
Yinka: In 2018, I left the country for a job. One day, he replied my IG story with “Looks like you’re not in the country anymore.” I told him that I had japa-ed and he started talking about how he was trying the express entry programme but having problems with IELTS. I encouraged him.
Kayode: All this while, we never saw each other.
Yinka: Yes. He was still buzzing me about IELTS and blah, blah, blah. In May 2019, he asked for my number. Before giving him, I explicitly told him not to call me and he did. I was perplexed.
Do men listen?
Kayode: LMAO. Sometimes we do.
Yinka: He called me on my birthday and sang for me. I think it was from there his “Hellos” became regular. In July, we had a long conversation. Apparently, he thought I was married, not even sure why.
Then he spoke about his relationship and how it ended some months ago. I was trying to resolve things, telling him that if he’s been with someone for eight years, surely they can sort out whatever differences they have. It was a long-ass call.
Wait. Kayode was with his ex-girlfriend for 8 years? Why did things end?
Kayode: Things didn’t work out as we planned. So we had to go our separate ways.
Yinka: They didn’t go their separate ways oh.
Girl, lay this gist down, your hubby is being a hard guy.
Yinka: I’ll get to it. In August 2019, I moved to a new apartment, and he wanted me to carry him along on how that was going. We ended up talking and I finally opened up about my last relationship, which was in 2016. We got closer. I had to ask him one day if he fancied me.
Kayode: I told her I did but didn’t want to get burned, so I was taking things one step at a time.
Yinka: I reached out to Kemi and she was like, “He broke up with his fiance,” and I had to reiterate that I had absolutely nothing to do with that. Kemi said Kayode was a good guy and I was like, “We’ll see.”
Were you scared that you were a rebound?
Yinka: I’ll admit that I was sceptical that he was ready to move on. Emotions can be fickle, and I didn’t want to get caught in that mess. One evening, I asked him if he had moved on from his ex, and he said he wasn’t going back there so why stay stuck? I laid down my conditions because I wasn’t about to become the rebound girl.
Kayode: To be fair, I already had my rebound with a 3-night stand. I knew you deserved better, so you were never a rebound to me.
Aww. I am curious about the conditions you laid, Yinka.
Yinka: It was long-distance and he had talked about some issues in his previous relationship that I hoped would not be repeated. I wanted to know if he could do long-distance without copping some on the side.
All our past experiences forced us to be more intentional in our relationship.
So, for how long did you guys date before getting married?
Yinka: A year but marriage was already in the works by December 2019. It didn’t come without its issues though. We started dating in September 2019, but he said he couldn’t let his ex-fiance know he was in a relationship. Excuse me, sir, what?
Ah. Kayode, an explanation would make my life better right now.
Kayode: I didn’t handle the situation well. I didn’t know how my ex would take it since we shared mutuals with Yinka.
Yinka: I tried to be empathetic because it must have been hard to date someone for eight years, get engaged and even do an introduction only for things to end. I was like, I understand, but I really didn’t understand. I was plagued with guilt every now and then, and Kayode didn’t make it easy.
Yinka, Why did you feel guilty? It wasn’t your fault they broke up, right?
Yinka: Yes, but they could have worked things out if pride didn’t get in the way. Plus, he was with me but holding on to her.
Kayode: I didn’t want to put our relationship out there so it didn’t come off as me rubbing it in her face. In doing that, I didn’t consider Yinka’s feelings. I wasn’t holding on to my ex, I just couldn’t deal with things face-on because of the situation.
Yinka: It’s the little things. When I see your exes name saved as “*Ife luv”, it made me wonder if you were sure of who you wanted. It didn’t help that she was always putting cryptic messages on how she was jilted. I had to confront him. Are you sure you didn’t do more than you said you did?
Kayode: I didn’t intend to hurt you when I sent you that message with her name saved as “Ife luv”. It was carelessness on my part. I was also not trying to hide anything and it was an error on my part for not putting your feelings first.
Yinka: In my opinion, you should have created boundaries. You should have let her know you had moved on and allowed her to heal instead of checking in and sending her cash at will. It created the impression that you were readily available to her which was unnecessary.
Okay, guys. We need to back up. What happened with Kayode and his ex-fiance?
Yinka: So, his family had issues with some things she put up online, and it created a rift that dragged from 2017 till 2019. She said she couldn’t deal with them anymore, and he said his family was important to him. It was a mutual separation, but she always made it seem worse online.
OMO. How did she react to you guys’ engagement and marriage?
Kayode: There was no communication between us, so there was no need to know her position. We have moved on to a brighter future.
Yinka: Oga, what are you saying? Kayode that went to the UK and came back with gifts for the second wife [the ex] because the home must be kept balanced. He will come and now say she knew he was travelling.
Kayode: This was before the whole boundary issues came up.
Yinka: Babe, you’ve had boundary issues since September 2019.
Kayode: By March 2020, we settled all the boundary stuff na.
Yinka: Really? Must be nice.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
Yinka: Kayode is skipping pages. He didn’t let her know he was in a relationship. He must have told her when he handed her the things he bought for her.
Kayode: I thought we had passed to when everything was settled.
Yinka: When I came to Nigeria in December 2019, I found out that oga had been playing doctor and saviour for his ex. Giving her cash and tending to her needs. I was divided. I know he is a great guy, but he didn’t know when to draw the line. And it was worse because he saw nothing wrong with it. He kept saying, “I will handle it my way,” and that hurt my feelings.
So, he never told you when he did stuff for his ex while you guys were dating?
Yinka: Nope.
Kayode: Ah babe. Yes. I even asked if it was okay to assist her.
Yinka: What about the days that you would have loved to visit?
Kayode: At least I made you know. It was naive of me because I thought you understood.
Yinka: If I understood, we wouldn’t have the back and forth of doing things your way.
Let me cut in and ask, Yinka, how did you find out he was doing these things for his ex?
Yinka: I can be the FBI.
Kayode: But I wasn’t hiding anything.
Yinka: Na so. That same December, one guy followed me on Instagram. I started probing the guy because I didn’t believe he just followed me randomly. Turns out he and Kayode had some issues when Kayode was still with his ex.
It was after I showed the guy a blog post with Kayode’s picture that the guy realised that we were together. The guy told Kayode’s ex, and she went on a rampage, cursing him. I felt guilty because I had unknowingly set the ball rolling.
I didn’t say anything malicious, I just wanted to know why the guy followed me. Anyway, Kayode ended up sending his ex money after that. He’s such a nice guy.
LMAO. This is so messy.
Yinka: It gets worse. After accusing Kayode of digging into her life using that guy, she went online to say a bunch of things. She spoke about an ex who claims to have moved on yet is still trying to probe into her life.
I was so confused because she did all these things and still collected money and gifts when Kayode gave her. I get she was hurting but the straw that broke the camel’s back was when she made reference to my person.
Oh no, she didn’t!
Yinka: She insinuated that he was only with me to leave the country and called him a demon. This happened in March 2020. By then, Kayode and I were taking marriage counselling classes. I wanted him to block her on all platforms and create boundaries because she was saying a lot of things online.
Kayode: This is why I didn’t want our relationship out there. It’s because of all this unnecessary drama.
Yinka: Then why didn’t you block her? After three days of waiting for him to do something, I took matters into my own hands and messaged her.
What did she say in response?
Yinka: She asked me not to interfere with matters I know nothing about. I wasn’t about to start exchanging words with her, so I deleted her message and kept things moving. I’m too classy for all that mess. She called Kayode, and he messaged me, asking why I contacted her.
Is there any point where Kayode actually supported you?
Kayode: To be fair, I asked if you contacted her.
Yinka: Before proceeding to ask why I contacted her.
While all of this was happening, were you having second thoughts about the relationship?
Yinka: Yes. He was trying so hard to not offend her. If the separation was mutual, why was he overcompensating? She would say she couldn’t sleep and it will become a problem. I expected him to be more firm. At some point, she called me a schemer.
Ahhh.
Yinka: His parents had to get involved because I blocked Kayode when he was saying nonsense about not doing things my way.
When was this?
Yinka: In April 2020,after he called to confront me about contacting his ex. The relationship was not by force. I wasn’t desperate to be with anyone. I was doing fine by myself before he came into the picture. I didn’t need the stress. The annoying part was that she ended up being the one to block him.
Kayode: No. I blocked her. I am not a social media person so, I didn’t care what was going on there.
How did this affect the wedding plans?
Yinka: His parents had gone to see mine in February. He still sent his ex-fiance cash after the introduction. I was still confused that when he dated his ex, he had no problem putting their pictures up but with us, he had issues doing that.
OMO.
Yinka: In April, I told him to take a stance. He can’t be here and be trying to be there as well. I was afraid of being with a person who was only with me because they couldn’t be with another.
Kayode: This is my fault because I didn’t see things from her perspective back then, and it caused a lot of friction in our relationship.
Yinka: It all comes down to boundaries. She always managed to be in the picture. Interestingly, after they broke up, she’d ask about who he was dating and he’d gladly tell her and reassure her that he still loved her. He just couldn’t when we were together.
Is it because of the conditions you laid out?
Yinka: I don’t know. He was probably not serious with the others, so it was easy to say oh, I’m just fooling around because I cannot stop thinking about you. And I don’t think he understood the extent to which it hurt my feelings. I tried to understand at first. I would have ended it the moment he said I cannot let her know I’m in a relationship.
Kayode: I think I need to address this. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. I was doing what I felt was best at the time. I wasn’t hiding Yinka; I just wasn’t as open with our relationship. I was waiting for the ideal time to break it to my ex because I knew how tough it was for her.
About sending her money, there were a few projects we were doing together, and I was just fulfilling my own end of the bargain. This does not excuse what happened, and I’m truly sorry.
Yinka: I forgive you and I always want you to know when to draw the line. You cannot please everybody.
Oh wow. Tell me about being married.
Yinka: We got married in October. I came to Nigeria and stayed for a few weeks. We are learning to cope with the distance. I find it normal, but he finds it tiring.
Kayode: The distance is crazy, but it is worth it.
Yinka: I feel closer to him. We talk all the time and have dates over the phone. It’s strange, but we’ve only seen each other a few times since we started dating. Two weeks in December and when I came home for the wedding in October.
What does a typical day in this relationship look like?
Kayode: We are always on video call. We go to the office together. We practically do everything together via video calls.
Yinka: When I wake up, I call him cause it’s afternoon at his, and we talk till I get to work. I call during my lunch break to say hello. He stays up till I leave the office and then we talk for a bit before he sleeps. The plan is to have him here with me as soon as possible.
Interesting. How do you manage the sexual parts of this relationship?
Yinka: There was no sex when I came in December 2019. Although we made out.
Oh wow. A celibate relationship.
Yinka: As a person, I’m still trying to figure sex out. We still haven’t had sex. I’ve never had penetrative sex so, after the wedding, I wasn’t ready, and he wanted me to take my time. I think my mind thinks of the pain, and my muscles just clench.
Okay, guys. On a scale of 1-10, rate your love life.
Yinka: I’d say 8/10. We are in a good place, willing to grow and learn from each other and in life. I worry sometimes that something would happen to him, and I would not get to love him like I want to.
There is so much I’d love to do with him and the distance doesn’t help. He is an amazing man who admits his imperfections and is willing to be better. I just hope we have a lot of time together to explore what life has for us. He definitely has made me a better person in his own way.
Kayode: I would say 7/10. We still have a lot to explore. It’s a 7 because I feel we are doing well with the distance.
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Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 43-year-old heterosexual man who had a three-year affair that ended his marriage. He talks about the woman being his soulmate and why he doesn’t want his wife back.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was six or seven, and it was with a 13-year-old family friend. I was on holiday at my grandma’s house, and we were playing “husband and wife”. We’d been playing that game for years, but this time, she started touching and kissing me.
I didn’t understand what we were doing, but she seemed to enjoy it so much that it made me curious. So, I tried it with her cousin, and we ended up fooling around for the rest of the holiday. She was my first unofficial girlfriend.
What happened when you returned home?
I started exploring more. I made out with a lot of girls, but it never went beyond that. I grew up in a very religious home, and penetrative sex was framed as the worst possible sin. I was too terrified to cross that line.
When did you finally cross that line?
When I got into university. I failed WAEC a couple of times, so I was around 23.
How was it?
I don’t think I lasted more than five minutes, but it was great for me. The babe was really beautiful, and while I don’t think the sex was as nice for her, she seemed genuinely proud of herself when she realised she was my first.
Did you feel any religious guilt?
Strangely enough, I didn’t. I guess I was too euphoric to care.
Fair enough. What happened after your first time?
The babe and I became a pair, but we decided to end things after four months. We were both in relationships with other people and were becoming too consumed with each other. My actual girlfriend and I weren’t having sex, but we had plans to get married.
Wait. What? You had a girlfriend?
Yes, I did. She was my first love. We belonged to the same church, so our relationship mostly involved dates with chaperones, group hangouts and zero sex until marriage. Sure, we stole the occasional kiss, but we were not allowed to be intimate.
So, you were cheating on her?
I was. It happened a couple more times with other women — sex was just too sweet for me to stop. Thankfully, we eventually started having sex, so the cheating stopped. We were together for six years before we broke up.
My sisters haven’t forgiven me for not marrying her. They are still friends.
Why did it end?
We had many issues, from family pushback to poor communication, but the main problem started when she cheated on me. I caught her, we spoke about it and we agreed to move on. Well, as it turns out, she didn’t move on.
She went for NYSC in Calabar, and when I went to surprise her, her neigbour stopped me at her door and told me she was busy. When I told him I was her boyfriend, the guy looked at me with pity and told me she was inside fucking someone else.
I left, but I was still willing to forgive her — I didn’t want to lose her. I asked her to come to my house in Lagos; she didn’t. After a while, I went back to Calabar to see her, and while I was there, another man came over and she refused to see me off.
Oh wow.
See ehn, I was hurt. Anyway, I got home, cried for a few days and decided we were done. A couple of months later, she came with my sister to apologise, but I had already mentally checked out.
It wasn’t even the cheating that bothered me, it was how flippant she was about it.
What did you do after the breakup?
A friend advised me to use my newfound freedom to have as much sex as I could.
Did you take his advice?
Not immediately. I grieved the relationship for almost two years. After I moved on, I took my friend’s advice. For five years, I went on a sex spree. Then when I turned 35, I decided to get married.
How did you meet your wife?
She’s someone I have always known; our families were quite close. She had also been in love with me for as long as I could remember, so, at the time, it just made sense for us to get married.
Did you love her too?
Not really. I was fond of her though.
Ah. What about the sex?
It was interesting. She was a virgin when we married, so there was an experience gap. Thankfully, she was easy to teach. The sex was amazing, and we did it almost every day for the first three years of our marriage.
Then we started having some issues, and the sex kept slowing down until we went two whole years without even touching each other. We are currently separated — we were married for seven years.
I’m sorry.
Don’t be.
What were the issues?
I had an affair with a friend of hers. After about three years, I decided to come clean and become a proper husband to her. All hell broke loose when I told her, and she moved out of the house.
She eventually came back, we had a child, and then she left for good.
Why did you have an affair?
I found my soulmate. She was having issues with her business, and my wife told me to help her out with strategy. The more time we spent together, the closer we got. She was there for me in ways my wife wasn’t.
The thing is, my wife wasn’t the one who first introduced me to her. We had a fling years before we both got married, but it wasn’t serious. Obviously, my wife didn’t know any of this when she told us to work together.
Oh? She was married too?
Yes, she still is. At the time, I felt bad about doing that to her husband, but we just knew we were meant for each other. So, the initial plan was to tell our spouses the truth so we could run away together.
Why did the plan change?
She had a change of heart. She had a daughter that we both thought was mine, but after a DNA test proved it was her husband’s, she couldn’t bring herself to leave. There were a bunch of other reasons, but that was the main one.
She didn’t know how to tell me about her decision, but I figured it out. I told her to stay and try to make do with the situation. That’s when I decided to come clean to my wife and try to make our relationship work.
This was when all hell broke loose, yeah?
Yup. Before moving out, she called the woman’s husband and her family. It was a mess.
Damn. Have you seen the woman since then?
We didn’t speak for about a year, but after my wife left the second time, she reached out to say she felt bad about how everything turned out. So, we talk from time to time, and we’ve seen each other once or twice.
Do you still feel the same way about her?
Of course, I do. We both do. We’ve had sex once since everything happened, but I told her we can’t do it again. It’s just too hard. She feels she made a mistake staying with her husband, but unfortunately, nothing can be done about that.
Do you miss your wife?
No, I don’t. My wife’s character was always an issue for me. She was obsessed with performing for social media, and I found that grating. She was also constantly telling our business to her family and church members. I just couldn’t stand it.
It was easy to accept our separation because it felt like a burden was being lifted.
So, what’s your sex life like as a separated man in his 40s?
I’m focused on my career right now, so my sex life is basically non-existent.
What would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’ll give it a six. I really enjoy sex, but I’m not exactly adventurous. I don’t do threesomes or things like that. As long as my partner is having a good time, I’m happy. So, yeah, I’ll give it a strong six.
The subject of this week’s What She Said is a 36-year-old woman. She talks about how she went from wanting to get married and have children to never wanting any and why she loves getting older.
Tell me something interesting about you.
On all my birthdays, I do something crazy, selfish to celebrate getting older. It might not even be crazy or selfish, it might just be something that people don’t expect from me.. This year I got a piercing on my tongue and a tattoo just around my pelvis. Now I can’t stop wearing crop tops everywhere even with the size of my belly. I love it.
Did you always love getting older?
Actually, nope. In my 20s, I was scared of getting old because I had so many plans and things I wanted to do before certain points in my life. I grew up around women who dreaded getting old. Small white hair on their head and they’re screaming and fretting. My mother told us that we all had to be married before we turned 25. 25 was the mark, and after that point, you became old and useless if you were unmarried. By the time you turned 30, ah no redemption for you.
Wow.
That’s how it was for me. In fact, the day I turned 25, I cried hard because I was unmarried and didn’t have a boyfriend. Meanwhile, just a few years earlier, I was so sure that I’d be married at 22 and be done having children by 25. I thought that was the perfect life.
What happened?
I had been dating someone who cheated on me on and off for a year and was even engaged to him. In my head, we were perfect. I’d catch him cheating, he’d apologise and I’d forgive him or take him back. We were about the same age, but he said he wanted me to be a housewife. This was even before social media was big. My family thought he was great too.
One day, my head reset. I didn’t tell anyone, but I broke it off quietly. My mother still hasn’t forgiven me. In the past, about the time every year I was supposed to have gotten married, she’d say, “Your marriage could be x years old right now, your children will be big girls.” — stuff like that. Ever since I told her why we broke up, she hasn’t said anything about him again. She still badgers me to get married but about that ex and the life we could have had? She’s kept quiet.
Have you dated anyone since then?
Just one. I’ve mostly had situationships and entanglements. My last serious relationship was disastrous because he turned out to be a distant relative, and I only found out when I introduced him to my parents. This was about the time I turned 26. We broke it off immediately. After this incident, my mother began to believe that I was cursed. Tears. She’d come by my bed and pray for me. She has taken me to many places and brought several pastors to pray on my head. Once she asked me if I was a lesbian, and I told her that being a lesbian doesn’t stop me from being in a relationship. She called everyone to know to talk to me because I didn’t outrightly say I wasn’t a lesbian.
Lmao. Wow. So how did you get comfortable with your age and not being married by 25?
This didn’t happen until I turned 30. I was kind of taking stock of my life, and then I realised that I hadn’t achieved anything I wanted. It wasn’t just marriage or kids. It was with work, finances, even socially. I felt horrible and was depressed for the longest time. Every awakening I’ve had in my life has been very subtle. Like the time I realised I didn’t want to do life with someone who constantly cheated on me. That realisation didn’t come in any groundbreaking moment. I just woke up and realised I was done. It was the same thing with turning 30. I woke up one morning and told myself I couldn’t continue beating myself up. To turn 30 years no be crime.
Once I had internalised that, it was easy to deal with the rest.
What was the rest?
Friends who felt and feel sorry that I’m over 30 and not yet married, older family relatives who feel the same way, my mother and all her numerous pastors and prayer warriors. It was so exhausting, I caught myself slipping back into that I hate myself phase a lot of times, but nothing has ever completely pushed me back.
What’s your worst experience?
Can I even count? The landlords that won’t rent their apartment to me because my age and status — unmarried woman in her 30s — is very questionable. One even subtly accused me of being an ashawo after he considered my appearance and car. The men that use my age to joke — I can’t stand that at all. One told me he usually likes to date younger women, but me, I’m different…
Wow.
There’s nothing you won’t hear. There’s a way Yoruba people say it, something about your time has gone and night has come. I can’t exactly translate it. But yeah, that’s what a lot of people believe when it comes to older women.
Was it also at the point you realised you were no longer interested in marriage and kids?
This was actually quite recent — about a few years ago. I realised that I never really wanted kids or to get married, it was all just handed down to me as the thing that I was expected to do. It was only just clicking recently when I asked myself: “Why do you want kids?” “Why do you want to get married?” I couldn’t give myself any reasonable answers. When I asked myself about the reasons not to have kids or get married, I came up with a list of wonderful things people might think are selfish. Like being able to travel whenever I want. I can make decisions quickly. I can decide to be jobless for months or a year and survive. I can spend nights out without thinking that I need to come home to take care of my kids.
Sounds like freedom to me.
Every woman should honestly live like this. I don’t know any other way to live. I think I made the best choice. And there’s nothing stopping me from living my life. I embrace my wrinkles and all the many signs of getting older. I love it all.
So you don’t think you’ll ever get married?
Nope. But never say never. What if I need to get married for a better passport? Will certainly tie to knot oh.
What’s something you’d tell to your younger self?
Stop trying to rush. Time dey.
2020 is the year of rings. Therefore, we decided to create a guide for men seeking to become members of the sacred ring issuing institution.
Give her ₦200 to make soup. If she fails, she can’t manage money. If she passes, she’s probably stingy. All of these are red flags.
6) When you go out, test her with food
Offer to buy her food and ensure she refuses. If she tries to eat from your plate, she’s a thief and that’s how she’ll be eating your money.
5) Test her with bone straight
Buy her the hair and watch her reaction. If she gets excited, she’s too lavish. If she’s meh about it, she doesn’t have taste and she’s not in your league.
4) Test her with Fintech
If she doesn’t know words like “Cowrywise,” “Safe lock.,” “Piggvest,” “Risevest,” “Withdrawal date,” “buy dollars,” then she’s not financially popping and can’t manage money. If she knows the words, she’s probably cheating on you with a tech bae. Sorry, bro.
3) Test her with gifts
If she buys you singlets and boxers you know she doesn’t mean you well. If she buys you PS5 just know you must give her your kidney – whatever you see, take it like that.
2) Test her with the Nigerian anthem
If she sings it without frowning then she likes Nigeria and that’s bad vibes. However, if she can’t sing it, she’s not in touch with her roots. If she doesn’t know herself, how can she know who you are?
1) Test her with music
Editor’s note: This is no way reflects the musical taste of the writer. Any relationship is purely fictional.
Test her with the song titled CashApp. My brother, if you sing “ice on my neck” and she replies with “ice on my wrist,” wahala aya aya oh. If she doesn’t know the reply, she definitely can’t gbese.
Keep us anon.
Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments section.
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The subject of this week’s What She Said is a 61-year-old woman who left her family behind a few years ago to start a new life in Europe. She talks about why she left, the backlash she received and why she doesn’t regret it.
When did you know that you absolutely had to leave Nigeria?
After I missed my first opportunity to leave. Before I got married, I had planned to marry someone else whom I went to school with. Even though we had not seen each other in years, we kept in touch through letters. He was in America in university, while I was in Nigeria working as a clerk in a bank. This was the 80s; things were not working with the coups and unrest in parts of the country. I was still managing myself. I was alright. Then he asked me if I wanted to get married and move to America with him.
Just like that?
I was very excited. I wanted to do it. I was almost 30. I was worried about not getting married. Most of my friends at the time were getting married. So I agreed. Then I told my parents. They also agreed after much convincing and pressure. However, just before he was to fly in for the ceremony — we had prepared very well — a religious leader, a prophetess, that was my mother’s friend said I couldn’t marry him, that she saw something bad waiting for me. What it was, she didn’t say. My mother refused to give me consent to marry him. She just cancelled all the plans. My father was not on her side, but he couldn’t help her change her mind. I cried.
That’s very sad. Did this change your relationship with your parents?
No. I was very angry inside, but outside I still had to respect my mother. It’s not like now where you can do anything you want and get away with it. I couldn’t just do anyhow to her. I continued to respect her. My mother kept convincing me that someone was coming.
So when I lost the opportunity to leave Nigeria at that time, I realised I really wanted to go away from home and start afresh somewhere else. I started working towards it and saved a lot of money. However, my dad fell sick, and we had to pay plenty of medical bills. My small savings went dry.
Oh wow.
My mother introduced me to someone and we started courting, then we got married soon after because I got pregnant. I wasn’t yet sure if I wanted to marry him, but I was not very interested in having a baby outside wedlock. In fact, I didn’t want to marry him. But there was pressure. I decided to marry him and close that chapter.
Did you like anything about him?
Like? It was money I was looking at and social standing. Can he hold his own in public? Can he have conversations? Is he respectable? He was okay.
How was the marriage?
It was fine. I was satisfied most of the time. We had children quickly. Four girls. This childbirth didn’t let me advance in my career as I would have liked. I wanted to go back to school and get a proper role in the bank. So it was as if I was stuck in one place for a long time. Meanwhile, my husband was doing very well in his own career. I was envious.
Were you two in the same career paths?
No. But he was very selfish. He didn’t help around the house, he didn’t take care of the children. So he was progressing and I was just going backwards. It took me long to bring it up with him and when I did, he said he was doing what was best for the family, but it wasn’t best for me.
What did you do?
I continued managing myself. At some point, I quit working because it didn’t seem like it was working out. I even tried other things on the side, but they never really went off the ground because you just had to be present for the children.
I don’t blame anyone for what happened. I was the one who was having children like it was nothing. Maybe if I planned my career properly or planned child birth properly, it would have been better. Also, support would have been good, and I didn’t have a lot of that. The worst part for me was seeing all my friends leave Nigeria.
Why were they leaving?
Nigeria has never worked and people have always been leaving. In the 90s, a lot of my friends and even family members left. I wanted to leave, but it’s not easy when you have four children and a husband that doesn’t even want to leave. My brother’s wife and children were kidnapped once, and we found out that the police were working with the kidnappers. That was one event that drove me mad and angry with Nigeria.
I remember one night I had a conversation with my husband about it. I suggested that we come up with a plan to leave, it wasn’t like we didn’t have the money. He said, “It won’t be possible right now.” He gave a few reasons which seemed reasonable to him. He said we can’t just uproot the children’s lives. He said we had property in Nigeria. That we had family members who depended on us. These were just excuses. If only I had suspected that he was hiding something.
He was hiding something?
He was hiding another family.
Like wife and children?
Yes, like wife and children. I didn’t find out at the time. We just moved on after he said it won’t be possible. Luckily for me, once the last born was in primary school, more opportunities started to come, and I started working again. This time I separated my savings into an emergency fund and travelling fund. The money inside the emergency fund was for anybody that wanted to die. That was all they would get. Travelling fund was for me to leave.
What was your target for the travelling fund?
Can I even remember right now? I just knew that before year 2000, I had to have left with the last two children, and then I’d start making plans to bring the others. Of course, something came up and my travel fund finished.
What happened?
My husband wanted to start a business, and he begged for my support financially. This one too is my fault. So they won’t say that I’m a bad wife, I supported him. So things started to look okay: his business was doing well, we had built our own home, I had a good job and our children were doing fine. I abandoned my dream of leaving at that point.
How did you find out about the other family?
The business he started was an import business. So he used to travel a lot. Once when he travelled, I called the friend he would normally stay with, but it was his wife that picked. It was his wife, who was also like a friend to me, that told me that she was suspecting something because my husband hadn’t shown up in their house since he arrived in the country.
She was the one who discovered the family. Before she even told me, she and her husband confronted him, and he said I wouldn’t believe them.
Wow, how did you feel?
I take everything in stride. I don’t like stress. But at that point, I was tired. I just wanted to leave. I called my children before my husband returned and I told them, look, this is what is happening, this is what I know. After that, I just went to sleep. Should I have told them at that point? I don’t know, but it was a lot for me to grapple with. The first child of the other wife, according to my friend, was a 10-year-old boy. This was in 2005. My husband confessed by himself eventually. He said I had four girls for him, of course he went outside. What was I expecting?
Wow.
At that point, I didn’t even say, let me save any money. I just started borrowing money here and there, sold my gold, sold my parent’s land, got a visa, packed my things and left. I didn’t tell him I was going anywhere. Just my children.
I had a lot of help from family members and friends. That was how I started putting my life together again. It’s not like things are perfect now. But I’m less stressed. I don’t look like I did when I was in Nigeria.
How did your family and friends take it when you left?
My children are grown up, so they’re fine. We are even planning for the younger ones to join me after their university education. It was people like church members and extended family who condemned me. This was funny because it was in that same church that a visiting pastor told me that he could see my husband with another woman in a “vision”, and then he prayed for the woman to disappear. This was shortly after I found out about my husband’s other family. Word must have spread.
You’re still married. What about a divorce?
I don’t even have strength. As far as I’m concerned, I’m free.
What about your husband?
He’s still well off and living his life. He wanted us to talk about it in the beginning. He wanted me to come back. I told him I’m not a dog, I don’t eat my vomit.
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