Nigerians love weddings and they usually have so many expectations. Will yours be how you pictured it to be? Take this quiz to find out.
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This week’s What She Said is Modupe Ehirim, a 62-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about growing up in a close-knit family, choosing to marry rather than continue with her education in the UK and not knowing how to make friends until she was 50.
Let’s start from the beginning.
When I look back now, my parent’s relationship with the world and then with us formed a significant foundation for my life. My father lost his parents before he was 10, so he had to figure out life by himself. My mother’s parents left their hometown for Jos, so they were removed from their local culture. When my parents started a family in Lagos, they started a culture of their own.
What was the culture like?
In a nuclear family, you have to get on well because you only have your parents and siblings. I have four siblings, and if I reported any to my mum for offending me, she would hear me and my sibling out. She would show us how we both contributed to the problem.
I was encouraged to read. My mom would say books are good because if there’s anything you want to do, and you don’t know how to or can’t find somebody to show you how to, you’ll find it in a book. My parents also knew that they couldn’t give us what they didn’t have, so everytime we had an obstacle they didn’t have answers to, they told us to figure it out and come back with what we found to make further decisions.
Were there any downsides to this?
The only downside of being brought up so close-knit was that I didn’t know how to connect with people. So I didn’t have any close friends until I was about 50 years old.
What did you have?
Just people. In the 60s and 70s, I went to a primary school that was close to home in Surulere. Schools then were for the locality, so everybody in that school came from the area. It was so close-knit that, if you did something, the headmaster would call your name with the school loudspeaker and the community would scold you even before your parents did.
So what happened after primary school?
I was one of the first people to go to secondary school from Standard 4; it used to be up to Standard 6, which meant you spent 8 years in primary school. But the government wanted to see if six years of primary school education would hurt students, and I was one of the first set that tried it. I did the common entrance and passed, then I went to Queens School, Ibadan.
How did moving away from your home and community feel?
I’d never been with other people before in my life, but it helped that I came from the kind of home that I came from — though I missed home, I never forgot where I came from. I was overwhelmed by some of the things I saw.
Like what?
The first day I went into the dining hall, I was laughed at for not knowing how to use the cutlery. That made me feel bad. I looked at them and wondered what kind of people would treat someone that way. I was also much younger than my mates and very tall. Anytime we had an outing, we were always made to stand according to our height. By the time they counted, I almost always got left out.
Was any part of school good?
Oh yes. Everything else was good. School taught me to live with other people, and we learnt how to be responsible.
When it was time to go to university, as they dealt with most things in my life, my parents said, “Okay, you know what? We’re not knowledgeable in this area. Go find out how they’re doing it and then come tell us so we can look at it together and have a plan of action.” When I was filling my forms, I looked at the courses and looked at the subjects I liked. I didn’t like writing, I didn’t want history, bible knowledge, economics or any course that required you to write notes, but I loved maths and reading.
What did you eventually choose?
Food science and technology. I wrote my exam — you had to write an exam at every university you were interested in. I passed and got admitted to the University of Ife. So off I went. And here was how my trajectory changed. In my second year, I did two core courses in chemical engineering and scored 98 and 100. The lecturer looked for me and asked why I was studying food science and technology. He said food science and tech was a speciality within chemical engineering; why did I want to specialise in my first degree? His name was Dr McCauley.
He spoke to my department and told them they would be doing me a disservice if they held onto me. I would be their star student, but it wouldn’t help me. And so I went on to study chemical engineering.
I’m grateful I met him because he told me: “You’re intelligent. You’re not supposed to measure yourself against your classmates, not because they’re not good enough, but everybody ought to measure themselves against their potential.”
Tell me about your potential.
I got a first-class in chemical engineering.
What about relationships?
The person easiest to lie to is the person that has grown up in a community where everyone tells the truth. In school, when people said they liked me, I assumed they liked me and not for romantic reasons. During weekends on campus, people would bring movies, clubs would have parties and we’d socialise. When someone asked, “Do you want to see a movie with me?” I thought nothing of it. Or when someone said, “Come to my room”, I wouldn’t think anything would happen. I found myself in impossible situations sometimes.
My first romantic relationship — that I will tell you about — sort of ended during NYSC. We tried to plan our life together, but when you plan your life with someone and you don’t know what you’re supposed to be planning, it will lead to quarrels. We couldn’t harmonise our plans because, for our postgraduate dreams, my parents could support me and his couldn’t. Eventually, I got a scholarship and could leave, but he couldn’t.
Interestingly, my husband did his NYSC the same place I did mine — Nigerian Breweries.
Rewiiind.
Haha. We were about 15 serving together, and we’d have lunch and go to the company bar in the evening. We were at the bar one day when this man said, “Nigerian girls ehn, they can pose for Africa. If they like you, they’ll still be doing like they don’t like you.”
And I said to him, “Excuse me, which planet are you from? If somebody is posting you like that, it means they themselves don’t know what they want. If you ask them and they want to go, they would.” I told him to test me and ask me out.
Ghen Ghen.
He asked me out a few weeks later, and I said “No.” I had other plans. He asked me out another time to a movie theatre, then to visit him at his place in Festac. I was determined to prove to him that I knew my mind, and so I agreed.
Were you uncomfortable?
I was one of two girls in an engineering class for five years. I was comfortable around men.
On my way to Festac from Surulere, it rained heavily. The taxi who carried me told me to come down at some point. Festac was new and people were still unfamiliar with the area. We’d gone round but couldn’t find the place. Someone let me stay in their house until the rain went down. I was finding my way back home when I noticed the street names and traced the house. He was surprised.
And then.
We talked. He had so many LP records. He started playing Oliver Newton-John for me. Our friendship started there. He’d buy me chocolates, buy me cards, walk on the side closer to the road; all the kinds of stuff that you read in books.
By the time that we’d known each other for about three months, I said to myself, “If this man asks me to marry him, I will.”
How were you so sure?
He was so clear about what his life was, what he wanted to do and how he wanted to do it. And I was trying to figure out my life. He was like, “This is what I want and you need to figure out what you want so that you can know whether I fit in.”
When it was time for me to go to the UK for my programme, he said, “I really like you, but you know that I want to get married in such and such a year. And you will be in the UK. And I don’t want to be on a different continent from my wife. So if you choose to do a PhD, I may not be able to wait for you.” I could understand where he was coming from because when you use Airmail to write your letter, it would take four weeks to get to Nigeria, and then four weeks for a response to get to you.
How did you decide?
When I went to the UK, I struggled. Did I really want to stay in the UK and do a PhD? Or did I want to go back and marry this person? We had a chaplain in the school we could talk about all these things with. He said, “It is important for you to know that whichever route you choose, once you start going on that route, you’ll see the challenges there and you’ll think the other path was better.”
I concluded that I wanted him.
There was also the part where I wanted to practice engineering design after school, but even with my first-class honours in engineering, I could only work in a refinery or as a lecturer.
What happened next?
I got a job in the Federal Ministry of Commerce and Industries. Then something happened.
The year we planned to get married, my husband’s younger brother died, and his parents said they needed to mourn for a year.
In that time, I renewed my relationship with God and told my husband I wasn’t interested in him anymore because he was an unbeliever. My parents found out when they dropped by his house and he asked them why they were there. When they got back, they asked me, “Dupe, did it not take you some time to become a Christian? What makes you think he won’t?”
And so we got married.
Were your parents Christians?
Not in the sense of being born again.
How did you build this relationship with God then?
I started reading the Bible, and in the book of Romans, it seemed like Paul was sitting across me and speaking to me. I was a good girl in the eyes of everyone, but I knew a lot of things about myself that weren’t good. I admitted this to myself.
We had a revival in my church and there was a visiting preacher who spoke to us. I met with him to tell him about these things, and he explained that what was happening to me was I was coming to a realisation that I could not do good by myself. So I read the Bible and kept journals as my faith grew.
You mentioned earlier that you didn’t have friends until you were 50. What changed?
The funny thing was I had met a lot of people in my life, and if someone needed help, I knew who to call. While I didn’t do anything on my part to keep the relationships, my sister kept in touch with these people and she drew me to them. I started a relationship academy and realised I needed to connect with people. I used to think I was an introvert, but I just didn’t master the skill of connecting with people, so I worked on it.
For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women like content, click here
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Ever since Prince Harry married Meghan Markle, wahala has jammed kasala because HoW DaRe A bRiTiSh RoYaL mArRy A lIgHt-SkInNeD bLaCk GiRl?
Of course, Nigerians have had a lot to say about the whole palaver. But we seem to be forgetting that we Nigerians have some family members who behave like the British Royal Family but have zero royalty attached to them.
And here’s how:
1. They lie against your partner.
They just love to lie, if your partner raises their left hand they will say they raised their right hand. If it rains during the dry season they will accuse your partner of causing it, that its witchcraft from their father’s village.
2.They go around sharing your gist and your partner’s gist like party packs.
Both the one you did oh and the one you did not do, they will share. The day you make a single mistake, all the Whatsapp groups will hear about it. First to do no dey pain, it is when you do your own back they start to cry and feel attacked.
3. They fight against inter-tribal marriage.
In the year of our lord 2021, they are still fighting you because you married from so and so tribe.
4.They blame anything that goes on in your life on your partner.
It’s really laughable, any small thing that happens to you, they will say it’s your partner that caused it. ‘’If you married so and so, you won’t have all these problems’’. If they tell you such, smile. Now say to them, “You that married the person your parents approved of, why is your life still the way it is?”
Gbas gbos.
5.They view your partner as an outsider and not your immediate family
Maybe these ones don’t know common Social Studies abi Home Economics. They still think you are their immediate family after marriage, anyway, it’s not your fault that they don’t know book.
6. They accuse your partner of trapping you and using jazz
The absence of love in their lives make the idea of love seem superficial and unattainable, coupled with the fact that they are entitled and sometimes dumb. If you shower your partner with love and affection they will say it is jazz. Instead of them to use that jazz to find love, they will be there, beefing you.
7.They ask for a male child first.
They aren’t the ones carrying the pregnancy, but they want you to give birth to a male first child. It’s not like they have any tangible thing to give your children, money they don’t have, a crown they don’t have. But they’ll be opening their mouth woahh.
8. They expect your partner to behave according to their dictates.
They don’t even have their house in order but they want to tell your partner to jump when they say jump, and dance when they say dance. If you tell them to jump now, they will be shouting because they are not fit.
9.They want you to live with them.
They want you to live with them so they can do their amebo very well. If you are far away from them, they will be getting third-hand gist and they don’t want that. The closer you are to them, the easier it is for them to be wicked.
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman who says she met the love of her life while whoring through Lagos. She talks about ditching all her fuck buddies for him, and their penchant for adventure.
What was your first sexual experience?
I think I was six in Primary 1. One of my classmates, a girl, followed me into the bathroom when I went to pee, and she just kissed me. That was my first kiss, and I was very confused.
What happened after that?
A lot of assault. When I was seven, an uncle came to live with us. He would come into my room at night and do different things to me. This continued for about five or six years. He finally moved away when I was 12.
Masturbation was one of the ways I coped with the assault — I discovered it when I was about 10. Looking back, I realise it was more about stress relief for me than pleasure. I don’t think I even understood the concept of pleasure at the time.
I’m so sorry. When was your first consensual experience?
I was 12 or 13 in JSS 3, and I kissed this guy I had a crush on.
Nice. How was that?
LMAO. The kissed sucked ass. He didn’t actually like me; he liked my best friend, but I always do the most when I have a crush. I would do his homework for him and stuff like that. I think he ended up kissing me out of pity.
Immediately he did it, I realised I didn’t want pity kisses ever again. As if that wasn’t bad enough, we got caught by seniors while we were kissing, and they kept teasing us. It was embarrassing.
Yikes. Did you kiss again?
Nah. The aftermath was even more dramatic. His siblings found out about the kiss, and one by one, they all came to harass me, warning me to never go near their brother again. His elder sister said I was trying to make him a slut like I was.
Back then, I was known as the school ashewo even though I’d never done anything — you know how slut-shaming works. The whole drama turned me off him, so we never kissed again.
Honestly, secondary school wasn’t it for me at all. I didn’t have a good time.
That sounds awful. When did you have sex for the first time?
I was 20, in a university abroad, when the guy I was seeing was finally able to convince me to try sex. Before that, I had only been making out and giving blowjobs. That was initially the most I was willing to do. I really wanted sex to be on my own terms.
How was the sex though?
It wasn’t memorable. I loved him, so it made sense for him to be my first. I don’t think I was looking for something memorable at the time. I just wanted my introduction to sex to be as gentle, loving, slow, patient and safe as possible. He gave me that.
Then after we were done, I avoided him for like a month.
Ah. Why?
I knew he wanted a relationship. I loved him, but I wasn’t trying to be in a relationship. He finally caught me and convinced me to give us an actual shot. We were together for about a year.
Did the sex get more memorable in the relationship?
It got better. I liked having sex with him, but he wasn’t as into having sex with me. I threw myself into sex because I was just discovering it and really liked it, but he thought I was too into it. All that judgement ended up affecting our relationship.
What happened after him?
I had a lot of casual sex, trying to figure out what I liked. Then I entered my second serious relationship. The sex was mid because he wasn’t dedicated to pleasing me. My sex life wasn’t anything to write home about until I moved back to Lagos.
Oh? What happened when you moved back?
I wasn’t seeing my spec while schooling abroad, but Lagos has my spec everywhere. I had just broken up with my second boyfriend, so immediately I landed, I experimented and did whatever I wanted.
I was literally whoring my way through town, and that’s how I met the love of my life.
LMAO. What? How did that happen?
I used to sleep with his friend, but it was very casual — I didn’t want more at the time, and he was already in a relationship. His friend told him about me, and I guess he was intrigued because he followed me on Twitter.
After a few months, he entered my DMs. We chatted for a bit, exchanged numbers and spoke on the phone for hours. Three days after our first phone call, I drove all the way to his house, and we had sex.
How was the sex?
It was very, very good. I had been having sex with other people — I had a hoetation — but as soon as we had sex for the first time, I ended it with all my men. I had finally found what I’d been looking for.
Wow. You were that sure?
Yup. The one thing that stood out to me about the sex was how attentive he was. He is a very good listener, and out of all the people I’ve been with, I think he is the best listener. So, I knew I could sleep with him for the rest of my life.
We got married a little over a year after we met.
What has married sex been like?
It’s basically the same for us. Things only changed when we had kids. I really struggled with my sex drive, and that affected our sex life. He was patient and understanding during this time. He kept reassuring me that there was nothing wrong with me.
Thankfully, my sex drive eventually returned with a rush. Now, we are back to the way we were before. We have sex very often, and it somehow feels better than it was in the beginning. I guess it’s because we know our bodies better.
Have you tried anything to spice things up?
LMAO. To be honest, I don’t even know what spicing up a marriage means, but we’ve always been pretty sexually adventurous — we are up to try anything at least once. A while ago, we had a threesome with another guy, and I absolutely hated it.
Why did you hate it?
I wasn’t having that much fun, but the guy seemed to be having the time of his life. It was annoying. My sex drive was still low at the time, so I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. With my sex drive back up, we decided to try a threesome again.
How did it go the second time around?
It was still so mid. I actually caught my husband rolling his eye in the middle of it. Then when the guy left, and it was just the two of us, it was fantastic. I was like, “Yeah, maybe we should just stick to each other from now on.”
I can’t believe we are so compatible that it affects how we relate sexually with others.
So, no more group sex for you and your husband?
I don’t think so. I mean, there’s one couple we want to fuck. If they agree, then yes.
Fingers crossed then. What would you like your sex life to look like down the line?
I love how it is now, so I’d like more of the same, just with less fear and attachment to past trauma. Sometimes, it’s difficult to talk about the things I want to try with my husband because of how much assault clouds my sexual interactions.
If I can move past that, I think it would be great for both of us.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I would rate it a 10. We were made for each other.
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I have been putting out journo requests — open calls asking people who have experience or insight to share them for a story -— long before I started working at Zikoko. However, I have never seen a lack of response to a journo request as I did with the one I put out for this article.
The tweet I put out asking for Nigerian men to DM me about the best part of being married got more than 200 retweets — a lot more retweets than my average journo request gets. So the low lack of responses from Nigerian men left me wondering if it was indicative of something else.
However, these five Nigerian men were willing to share what the best of being married is to them.
Emmanuel.
I think the best thing about being married is that you are married to your person. Someone you can be yourself with and not be judged, someone you can be vulnerable with and not be called weak. Someone to share all your wins and fails with. Someone that makes you know you aren’t alone.
Kachi.
For me, the best part about being married is that I get to wake up every day, as I have for the past six years next to my crush. We have so many inside jokes to the point of almost feeling like we have our own language. We’ve never fought (yes, disagreements but not fights). It’s the best thing about my life.
Manuel.
The best part of being married to me is that I always have someone. I was an only child growing up so having someone that goes hard for me, the way I. go hard for them is mindblowing and new and very different. I am grateful.
Bassey.
In 2019, I got fired from my job and the day I came back, I didn’t even need to tell my wife. She just knew. She never used it against me even we quarrelled, she just took care of the bills – both what she normally paid for and what I was supposed to pay for. I got a new job almost eight months later and she didn’t for once make me feel like a failure or anything at any point. I got her a car last November because it was the only way I could think to make her feel appreciated. That understanding and support I get from my marriage is the best thing.
T.
I think I owe my life, the way it is now, to my wife. When we were dating, I said I wanted to go into photography. She bought me my first camera with money she stole from her dad. When I moved to marketing, she was the one that secured my first interview for me. When I said I wanted to my Masters, she was the one that helped me research. Do you know how people pray that the Holy spirit should go before them and behind them? For me, it’s my wife that goes before me.
Are you a man who would like to be interviewed for a Zikoko article? Fill this form and we’ll be in your inbox quicker than you can say “Man Dem.”
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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: When You Know, You Just Know Chuba, 32, and Mohini, 27, have been together for over five years. For today’s Love Life, they talk about realising they were perfect for each other, coming back from multiple breakups and navigating long distance.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Mohini: It was in 2014. Chuba had written this brilliant, demystifying series about Economics. In my IGCSE, that was the only subject I got a C in, so it was mind-blowing that someone could write about the subject, and I’d enjoy reading it.
I tweeted at him, praising his work, and he responded. We didn’t really talk properly until a year later.
Chuba: I remember getting that notification and thinking she had such a beautiful smile.
Then why did it take a year for you guys to start talking?
Mohini: I wasn’t thinking about anything romantic at that time. I followed him on Twitter and read more of his work. For me, that was it. He was also dating someone at the time.
Chuba: LMAO. Yeah, I was kind of in a relationship, so there was no romantic inclination. I was just glad to see someone openly grateful for something I had written.
So, what made you guys start talking properly?
Chuba: My mum was speaking at an event in 2015, so I showed up to see her. At the entrance, I spotted Mohini — I immediately recognised her smile. I went over to say hi and complimented her beautiful smile.
Mohini: I wasn’t even meant to be at that event. My housemate, who’s a photographer, had gone to shoot it, but he forgot his flash at home. He called me to bring it for him, and while I was annoyed about having to go from Yaba to VI, I did it.
I ended up shooting with him as well. I was doing that when Chuba walked up to me. I remember him complimenting my smile because it made me smile even more. After that, we all went into the hall for the event.
Chuba: The entire time, I knew I wanted to talk to her some more. At this point, I was single, so after the event, I walked right up to her and asked, “Are you single or in a relationship?” I’d never done anything like that before, but it was a gut instinct.
Ah. That’s bold. How did she react?
Chuba: LMAO. She just smiled, but she was clearly surprised by the question. So, I took out my business card, handed it to her and said, “You don’t have to tell me now. Just call or text whenever you have an answer.” I didn’t even ask for her number.
Mohini: I was in this circle of guys when Chuba came up to me, and I even had a crush on one of the guys. Imagine the irony. Anyway, the question left me speechless — it was so bold and direct. That was the moment the seed was planted.
Chuba: Well, she didn’t actually call or text. She swears she was going to, but to be fair, we ran into each other at another event two days later. She walked over to talk to me, and we had such a great conversation. That was when she told me she was single.
By the end of the night, I had introduced her to all my friends as my “bae-in-faith”. My mum was also speaking at that event, and when she was done, I introduced her to my mum as well. I had never done that before; I just knew she was the one.
Wow. That’s so cute. Mohini, how did you feel about all of this?
Mohini: I don’t remember what we talked about that night, but I remember laughing like an idiot. I didn’t take the whole “bae-in-faith” thing seriously until he introduced me to his mum. I was wowed.
His mum even corroborated his statement that he had never introduced anyone to her like that. Then she gave me such a warm hug in her motherly bosom, and the rest is history.
I’m totally stealing “bae-in-faith”. So, when were feelings caught?
Chuba: For me, it was from the beginning. Then the conversation we had the second time we met was so smooth — it felt like we’d known each other for the longest time. That evening, she sent me a WhatsApp message, and we texted until 3 a.m.
Mohini: On my end, I think feelings were beginning to be caught the second time we met. What’s funny is that we became official seven days after that. As they say, when you know, you know.
LMAO. What? How did it become official?
Mohini: We attended the EatDrinkLagos festival together, and one of Chuba’s friends, who was a vendor there, asked if I was his girlfriend. He turned to me and asked, “Are you my girlfriend?” I said, “Yes now.” That was it. We wasted no time.
Chuba: Before the festival, she had asked me to go for a walk with her on the Lekki-Ikoyi bridge. I love walks, so I was excited that she had suggested it before even knowing that about me. That was when it dawned on me that there was something here.
Mo, you didn’t mention that you broke up with me a week after it became official.
EXCUSE ME?
Mohini: LOL.
Chuba: LMAO. We’ve had multiple breakups oh. That was just the first.
Mohini, speak oh.
Mohini: Oh dear. Chuba, help me. LOL. Why did I even break up with him the first time? I think it just felt like a lot. For context, this is my first real relationship. He was very upfront with his intentions, and I think that scared me a little.
Our breakups never lasted though. Chuba, do you remember the longest one?
Chuba: Less than a week.
Wait. How many breakups have there been and what were the reasons?
Mohini: Somewhere between 5 and 10. Probably closer to 5 though.
Chuba: I think the breakups revolved around one particular reason: my faith. Around that time, I was still on my self-discovery path, trying to figure out what I believed in, or if I even believed in anything at all.
You know, when you’re dealing with Nigerian women who have been socialised to want a God-fearing man, finding out their guy is still figuring that stuff out is the last thing they want to hear.
I think her main worry was that we wouldn’t be spiritually aligned. Over the years, that has changed. We’re now more spiritually aligned than ever.
Wait. Does this mean you’re now more God-fearing or Mohini is less?
Mohini: LOL.
Chuba: LMAO. I’m more God-loving. I don’t subscribe to fear.
I need that on a shirt. Mohini, do you think you’d have stayed if Chuba’s relationship with God didn’t change?
Mohini. Hmm. I’ve never thought about that. I feel like the thing that kept me coming back, aside from Chuba being an amazing, brilliant, loving and kind individual, is the fact that he just always challenges himself to grow.
Still, I think I had already committed before I even knew he would evolve. Maybe I subconsciously knew it was in his DNA to change, but I was committed before the change happened. I don’t think I would have uncommitted.
I remember one of our early hangouts at Freedom Park. We were having a conversation, and I told him, “I think I may have met my husband.” This was after he had told me where he stood, so, yeah, I doubt I’d have gone anywhere.
That being said, I’m glad we now share a common spiritual language.
Was there a moment that made you realise you had fully fallen in love?
Mohini: I can’t point to a specific moment. It was all the different little pieces clicking into place.
Chuba: Man, I feel like I was already gone since our second meeting, but if there’s any moment that truly stands out to me, it would be when she tried to propose to me. I was like, “This person is 100% different.”
Sorry. What? Mohini, please, you have the floor.
Mohini. LOL. I definitely tried to propose. I bought bracelets, one was a compass and the other was an anchor, and they were meant to symbolise the roles we play in each other’s lives.
At the time, I thought I was ready, and I knew it would be a “Yes” from him. Duh. Anyway, I ended up losing my nerve and didn’t go through with it. I’ll let Chuba tell the rest of that story.
Chuba: LMAO. I remember coming out of the shower and seeing Mo standing in the middle of my room, crying. Then she told me she was planning to propose because she thought she was ready, and I just burst out laughing.
I thought it was sweet and funny. I didn’t see it coming at all. She is usually the one that alternates between certainty and uncertainty, and I’m the one that has been sure since day one. So, that she even considered it was a big deal to me.
I actually didn’t think she was ready at the time, so I was fine with her deciding not to.
So, who ended up proposing?
Chuba: I did in 2019.
Mohini: He did it on our anniversary.
Chuba: Yeah. This was about two years after her attempt. I know that sounds like a long time, but I wanted to make sure we were ready. We were both transitioning in our careers, and I wanted us to be more focused when it happened.
A lot of men propose to women without considering whether they are at the right place in their lives to take on something as serious as marriage, especially when you consider that it changes a whole lot more for women than men.
So, I just wanted to make sure Mohini was stable before proposing.
That’s thoughtful. How has this relationship been so far?
Mohini: Life-changing is the word, and that’s not an understatement. Chuba is my partner in all things. He has a twin, so he knows what it feels like to have someone in your corner at all times. That’s who he is for me — my number one cheerleader.
We’ve both had to grow, in terms of emotional intelligence, temperament, consideration, empathy and love. We’ve basically been catalysts for change for each other. I’m a shy person, but he challenges me to go for what I want. I call him my partner in progress.
As great as it’s been, there have also been downs as well. There are times we’ve let our tempers get the best of us, especially in the early days. Thankfully, Chuba and his twin brother came up with a framework that helps us get through arguments a lot faster.
Chuba, what’s this magical framework? Let’s save some relationships.
Chuba: We call it the framework of intention. My brother and I designed it during the lockdown. We were gardening a lot, and we learned some lessons from nature. Those lessons became the framework, and it has just three steps.
The first step is “slow down”. You have to slow down when communicating so your reaction isn’t a knee jerk one. The second step is to “give gratitude”. For me, I ask myself, “What am I grateful for about this person?” It helps with balance.
Then the last step is “take responsibility”. Before pointing out what your partner hasn’t done right, take responsibility for the part you played in that disagreement, be vocal about it, and do better. We’ve found that these three steps have been instrumental in reducing the level of conflicts we have.
I love that. So, when you think about your future, what do you see?
Chuba: I see so much fun in our future. Mo and I know how to have fun anywhere. We enjoy each other’s company even if we’re just watching Netflix. I remember one of our Valentine’s Days was spent in the car, listening to music and vibing.
I’m really excited for us to go on trips together. I imagine that will be even more fun.
Mohini: For me, I see Afrocentric jungle vibes. LOL. Let me explain. Chuba and I are creatives, and we are both in love with nature. So, in terms of the actual visuals, I see both of us half-naked in the forest — I would probably be wearing some leafy bikini.
Chuba: That leafy bikini though…
Mohini: LOL! Jokes aside, I imagine us doing most of what we currently do a lot more comfortably. So, instead of all the long-distance, we actually live together — have dinner together, do date nights and work at the dining table together.
I’m just looking forward to a lot more togetherness.
Oh? How much of this relationship has been long distance?
Chuba: Like half of it. I alternate between Abuja and Lagos.
Mohini: Our first year was together. Then he did about a year at Yale. Then he came back and moved to Abuja with his family, but he currently flies back and forth. So, for instance, since March last year, we’ve only seen each other for about 2 weeks.
That should change once we get married. We’re already looking for our own place.
Nice. What do you love the most about each other?
Chuba: Her energy. It’s the first thing I noticed about her. Mohini just has the most brilliant energy — it’s so bright and giving. A message from her always makes me happy. Hearing her talk makes me happy. Her energy is just great.
Mohini: I love his growth mindset and how responsive he is to me. He is so attentive and caring. He is also intentional about showing how much he cares. I love how he strives to grow and be better, which also inspires me.
I don’t think I could be with someone who doesn’t want more for themselves and the people around them — not in a greedy way, but in a “greater good” way. I also love how soft he is.
How would you rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?
Chuba: A 9 because we are not yet married. Once we are married, it’s a 10. Maybe 11 even.
Mohini: I really want to give it a 10, and it’s not even to say that it’s perfect. I just like where we are, and I wouldn’t change anything about our journey. The only thing I would change is the long-distance, and even at that, it’s still solid.
So, maybe a 9. No, a 10. I don’t know. LOL.
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The subject of this week’s What She Said is a 31-year-old Nigerian Muslim woman who got married at 23. She talks about realising she should have waited, getting a job years later and finally settling into her marriage.
How did it start?
I’d just finished my master’s, and I’d met a guy.
We had been talking for two years, and we were friends. One thing that keeps me going is that no one told me I had to get married, not even my parents. I wasn’t ready for it and didn’t know what I was getting into.
I should have been independent for a while. Looking back, I needed at least two years to figure out myself after my master’s. Getting a nice job, fending for myself would probably have taught me lessons I struggled with along the way.
So why did you get married?
For people like me, a lot of us were not educated on marriage, so it was an “if not, why not?” decision. What I thought would happen was, once I got married, I wouldn’t answer to my mum and dad anymore, I’d get a job, and life would just happen. I thought marriage was IT.
I got pregnant a month after I got married, and that did not help matters. I didn’t know what to expect. There’s no perfect partner, relationship or marriage, but there are some things that, if I was told to expect, would have made marriage easier for me. I tell people now that marriage can be sweet. For me, It was the foundation. It was not strong.
What are some things you’d have preferred you knew beforehand?
That marriage is a different ball game. I had so many responsibilities. There was someone expecting me to care for them, and I wasn’t even done caring for myself.
Tell me about the foundation.
Let me start from earlier. I had dated guys but there was always a religion barrier for me. I sort of knew that I could not take a Christian partner to my parents. There was also this cultural thing about wanting to marry from your tribe. Parents are more comfortable with that. When I dated a Muslim from Ibadan, no one told me to not marry him, but I was sure no one took our relationship seriously.
In my service year, I had an aunt who was introducing me to different guys, and she introduced my husband to me. When she sent his picture, I wasn’t impressed. We started chatting anyway, and I found him interesting. He made me laugh. We would chat and chat and chat. He was 31.
One day, a few months later, he said he going to Kwara State and I went, “Oh, I’m from Ilorin.” Then he mentioned it’s my family compound he was going to.
Knowing about his background made me more interested in him, and now, our families were involved. After that, he told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship; he was looking for a girl he could marry. I was like, finally, a Muslim guy from my town.
And then, marriage.
Yes. It’s possible if I had a year before getting pregnant, I would have gotten a job and we would have been able to live together without having to deal with hormones and stress and thinking.
If I could go back in time, I probably would have married someone who was like two years older than me. There were some conversations we’d have that used to annoy me. If I wanted to express myself, he’d think I’m arguing. He’d say, “Why are you arguing? I can be your brother; I can be your uncle.” And I’m like, “No, you can’t be. You’re my husband.”
Thankfully, we were friends, so even if we were fighting, we’d still check on each other.
Has this changed?
Yes. My marriage is good now because I said to myself, I’m not going to endure what I can enjoy. If I can’t enjoy it, I’d rather move on. There was a time where it felt like we were complete strangers. We were like housemates. Then it got to a certain point that I was like, “What am I doing?”
How did you get to this point?
For five years, I routinely took my child to school and just stayed in the house. I didn’t work because I tried when I got married, but it wasn’t forthcoming, then pregnancy happened. I also didn’t have goals or plans set out. It was a conversation I didn’t even have with my husband before we got married. Till date, my husband can say, “I didn’t stop my wife from working”, but I sensed he didn’t want me to. He wanted an educated housewife. One time when I was looking for a job, I suggested going to NTA to get an internship — I studied mass communication — and he said he never knew I wanted to take my journalism seriously.
I got desperate after my second child. We were fighting more, and I wanted more for myself. I started a fresh juice business, but that wasn’t enough.
After my second daughter, I asked myself, “What next?” I had been home for five years, no job, just kids screaming for me. I searched and got a job.
What changed was I realised that my husband had been my only friend. If you checked my call log you’d see Mama or Brother. I wasn’t experiencing other people. And the job fixed this. I’d come back home, and we would have conversations that were not just about us anymore. He also started respecting me.
I think he sees me these days, and he’s proud. The other day I was speaking with the MD of a popular restaurant, and I could see his respect.
Salute.
The lockdown also gave us an opportunity to speak and thrash things out. We bonded, and that was when I told myself I would work at my marriage or leave.
I realised that he was also going through stuff, so I took a step back. I asked myself, “What are you doing that is not making him happy.”
He just wanted me to be there, but I was not happy with myself and I couldn’t be. And because he was going outside, it was easier for him to free himself off me with friends and work.
I would say, right now, I’ve grown to understand him better. Men never accept they’re wrong, and that’s a way to manage them. I’d give an example. When we got married, I always wanted to contest what he was saying. So if he says, you can’t take the kids here, I’d fight. Now, I don’t ask, I just do it. And we talk about it after.
If I had known these things earlier, I’d have had a blissful marriage.
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For some women, marriage is a source of joy and I wanted to tell their stories too so I made a call for Nigerian women to share with me the best thing about being married. Here’s what six of them had to say.
Kikelomo, 25, married for four years
My husband and I talked about my career plans before we got married, and he has supported me through it since then. He works 15 hours a day so I can focus on going to school, and taking care of our child. I am almost done with school and should start working to relieve him of the financial burden but I have plans to go to medical school in a few years time. When I told him about it, all he said was, “Okay, we should start working on it”. He’s willing to work more hours so I can go to medical school again!
I love being married to him because he gets me and he’s a huge supporter. If I wasn’t married, I wouldn’t be able to achieve my career goals because I would want to focus on earning to take care of myself. What we have allows me to dream and plan my future. When I asked him why he’s so supportive and he said, “A lot of men are successful because their wife sacrificed something. If I have to sacrifice for you to be successful, I will always do it.”
Deborah, 28, married for three years
For me, it’s a lot of things. One of my favourites is when I get frustrated looking for something and he starts searching all the places I could have left it in. We have children and being married to their dad means that there’s someone who knew me before marriage, who knows me now and understands the difference.
Another thing is when I’m doing something and I see him out of the corner of my eye, shirtless. I’m like wow, I can’t believe I get to fuck that till I die. The icing on the cake is that my ass can never pass his front without him spanking me.
Dimma, 25, married for three months
I have strong anti-patriarchal views and I love that he understands me. Sometimes, I wake up at 3 am to stare at him and think to myself “MAN! I won in this life o.” Having a partner whose life is positively intertwined with mine is God’s gift to me. He really is the one for me — the tick to my tock!
Ibinabo, 49, married for 13 years.
I love that I have my best friend to share the good, bad and ugly parts of my life with. I especially love our silence the most.
Samira, 52, married for 26 years
Being married for as long as I have been, I know that things can come to threaten the balance of a home but the love we have suppresses every other thing. I love that we support each other with parenting. He is the best thing that happened to me.
Jolie, 34, married for two years
Honestly, the best thing for me is being warm at night. Knowing that when I am cold, there’s someone to hold.
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As told to Mariam
Last week, I asked women who have received marriage proposals to share what theirs was like — did they like it or not? I had a lot of entries but one stood out to me. Tomi* wasn’t sure if she had been proposed to or not because the first words her husband (at the time) said to her when they met were “I don’t like how your hair is uncovered as my wife”. She said she married him three months after that and if she were to try marriage again, she wouldn’t want a formal proposal. I asked what her marriage was like considering the unconventional proposal and our conversation led to this article.
Meeting my ex-husband, Tosin* was the most random thing.
It was 2008. He called my line and opened with, “Hi! Can I get to know you?” I asked how he got my number, but he couldn’t give me an answer, so I ended the call. He kept calling. Sometimes I would pick, and we would do the same dance — “How did you get my number?” “I don’t remember.” “Goodbye.” This went on for weeks.
One day, I was on leave and bored at home, so when he called, I didn’t hang up. We had a long conversation. We discovered we are from the same state and I went to secondary school with his siblings. That got me curious. I wanted to meet him.
I suggested we go out for drinks, but he said he wanted to come to my house instead. I refused and insisted on a public place. When he saw me, the first thing he said was, “I don’t like how your hair is uncovered as my future wife.”
I don’t remember what my response was, but I know we didn’t have drinks that day anymore. We had drinks two days later.
Some days later, I was at home when Tosin called that his mum would like to talk to me. I spoke to her, and shortly after, she sent me some gifts. I didn’t think much of it. One day, my dad asked when I was bringing my husband home. I said I didn’t know when, but I was talking to someone.
When I told him about Tosin, it turned out he and my mum already knew his family. My dad said I should invite him to the house. I did, and we had lunch with my dad. They talked. I was indifferent about the whole thing.
My leave ended and I went back to work, which was out of town. After a few weeks, I called my mum and there were drumming sounds in the background. I asked what was going on, and she said, “Your husband’s people came.” I was like, “Which husband? I never introduced anybody to you as my husband.” My dad said, “You shouldn’t have invited him for lunch if you didn’t want to marry him. They came with a letter, and we have responded. The next thing is to agree on a date for the solemnisation.”
I was 22 at the time. I had never actively thought about marriage before then, but I knew it was expected of me. It didn’t seem like a bad idea if it would get my parents off my back and possibly make them happy.
But you see, marriage was nothing like I expected it to be. First of all, I lost my freedom. I used to wear tiny dresses and skirts, but when I got married, I had to cover my hair. Even though I am a Muslim, I hated that shit. I loved travelling, but marriage meant I had to take permission for my trips. Sometimes, he would make me feel bad for even going at all. I had to give up everything that made me myself to be acceptable to everyone — my partner, my parents, my in-laws.
I think I was too young. Tosin was six years older than me. I didn’t centre my needs in making the decision to be married. If I had, I would have chosen better. Before I knew it, kids started coming into the equation. The first child was born in the first year, the second child was born in the third year and in the seventh year, we adopted the third. I think the kids made the ten years we spent married bearable. Tosin and I had nothing in common, but we were able to bond over caring for the children.
Tosin liked me as a person but hated me as a wife. We would have made good friends, but being married to him caused me pain. In the first year of our marriage, he started cheating.
Four weeks after I had our first child, I discovered he had gotten my best friend at the time pregnant. I saw the conversation on his phone. I confronted him, and he couldn’t deny it. He begged me to forgive him, and I did. We had only been married for about 11 months.
As time went on, I discovered that he would try to sleep with my housemaids, and when they did not agree, he would get abusive or send them away. This time, I threatened to leave him. He apologised and got our families involved. I gave him another chance to be better.
In the ninth year of our marriage, I went out of town for work one day, and while I was away, he tried to have sex with our maid again. When I came back, he had already sent her away. That was the final straw for me. There was no coming back from that. As if that wasn’t enough, I found out that he had been trying to sleep with my cousin and my younger sister. The worst part for me was his utter lack of remorse.
Our parents tried to mediate, but it was a done deal for me. I couldn’t look at him without swelling with rage. He left one day after I refused to let him touch me. He picked a few clothes and left. He came after a few days, said nothing to me, picked more clothes and left. After a couple of weeks, I got a place and moved with the kids.
I was not surprised that he did not try to reach me. I was wondering how we would have survived if we were actually dependent on him. The kids were exposed to some of the toxicity towards the end, but I am glad it did not affect them. I noticed that since we left, they are better at expressing themselves. My first son decided he wanted to grow his hair out and cut it in a specific way. His dad used to force a particular style on him. They choose their own clothes and style now. They are learning to make decisions that affect their daily lives. I think I am doing a great job.
He called after seven months. He said he was in town and would like to spend time with the kids for a few days. I told him they can visit, but they can’t sleepover. I gave him an address to meet us at. We didn’t say anything to each other; the kids just switched cars.
It’s been 15 months and I would like to finalise it in court, but I am not ready for that journey yet. I am just happy to have left. His presence sucked my joy. Now, I wear my hair however I like. I wear whatever makes me happy. I spend my time in places that give me joy. There is no pressure to do one thing or the other. So far, I have no regrets. I love my life the way it is.
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Is it possible to regret something that you have been taught should be the “best decision of your life”? Yes, and these five Nigerian women share why they regret getting married.
Anita, 27
He lied about everything. About his extended family, his job, his entire life was basically a lie. I only found out after getting married to him. He told me he was a UX writer, but it turns out he is an Electrician. That would not have been a problem, so why did he feel the need to lie about it? He told me his parents were dead and he was not close to his extended family. Another lie. One day, his Uncle reached out to me on Instagram. Turns out both his parents are very much alive.
When we were getting married, he told me he wanted a small wedding. I did not think too much about it because I genuinely loved him and just wanted to be married to him. Apparently, he wanted a small wedding because he had other wives and kids. Plural. I feel like I am carrying him through the marriage. They say “men are babies” and it sounds cool until you realise that it is not metaphoric, but literal. I never knew there could be such emotionally, underdeveloped, men. Right now, I do not know what is a lie and what is not.
Amaka
I was 33 when I got married and honestly, I do not think marriage benefits women in the long run. Whatever people consider a benefit, does not equal all the things marriage makes you lose. I think marriage hindered me from doing certain things because there is a huge constraint on your time and energy. You are meant to be building the family, but then things you are building does not necessarily benefit you. A men can be working to build his family, while building his career at the same time. He gains both the benefits of being married to you such as free labour, but women can’t say the same thing. The nine years I spent building my family, I could have built my career. The only solution was to not be married anymore so I did that, and my life has been happier and healthier.
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Chisom, 27
Marrying my husband was the biggest mistake of my life. Even with all the red flags I saw, I still went ahead and got married to him. He is a serial cheat and a totally unrepentant one. While we were dating he would apologise when he got caught, but now that we are married he has such a nonchalant attitude about it. As if he feels like I cannot do anything about it. He hides the fact that he is married from anyone and if I tell his girls, he gets angry and keeps malice with me. He says we are not a good match and we have nothing in common. How do you not figure out we have nothing in common for the six years we dated? SIX! Now I am pregnant and want to end the marriage but he is threatening to take the child away from me.
Jane, 29
I am currently separated now, but I still do not forgive myself for the decision to get married. I got married at 27 and separated nine months later. The truth is I knew I didn’t want to be married anymore by two days to the wedding, but didn’t know how to tell my family. The reason I eventually gave my family for leaving was because I caught him cheating. When I said I was leaving, he locked me up and threatened to kill me. A week after the incident, when he went to work I ran away.
He stalked me for about three months after I left. I even tried to get a restraining order, but that did not work. When I reported to the police, they collected my money and said they’d treat it as attempted murder. When I got back, they said they wanted to ‘settle’ the case. His family definitely paid them off, but the police thing kind of helped because after that the obvious stalking stopped. He currently does not know where I am, but he has an idea of the exact town. Thankfully there were no kids, but I still have panic and anxiety attacks till date.
Fola, 35
I got married at 24 and now that I look back it was way too early. He was 29 so a little older than me, but not very mature. I didn’t know what qualities to look for in a partner when I got married to him, all I knew was that I loved him. Bad choice. He wanted to pull that traditional man, head of the home thing and I wasn’t having in. Two months into the marriage and the physical abuse started. It was very irregular and I’d never know when it would happen so it caused me a lot of anxiety. I never backed down, wouldn’t cower and be a submissive wife. It took me 10 years to finally walk away from the lies, cheating, physical abuse and emotional abuse. 10 solid years of nonsense. Now, I look back and realize how badly that situation affect me.
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