It’s just a suggestion
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Be a trust fund baby
The easiest way to have money in this life is to have rich parents. If you’re a trust fund baby, vex money is your birthright and you don’t need to stress to get it. But if you’re not, you’ll have to swallow your pride and look for another option.
Have a second 9 to 5
It’s remote work season, and everyone is working more than one job to survive. If one job is stressing your life, ditch it and focus on the other one. In many ways, it’s very similar to having a side chic or side guy.
Collect a salary advance
If your job has decided that it wants to stress you, isn’t it only appropriate that you should be getting paid upfront for it? Once your job starts vexing you, collect a salary advance and ghost them.
Have a sugar daddy/mummy
Find a sugar daddy or sugar mummy that’ll date you in a way that’ll please God. They’ll be sending you money when you need it and providing moral support when your job stresses you out.
Or bill your partner
If you have a partner, rub their head, cook for them, shed crocodile tears, or even shed real tears so they can pity you and dash you vex money. Just do whatever you need to do collect money from them.
Have a side business
You need to have a side hustle that’s not just another job. Because, what if both of them start to move mad at the same time? Where will you run to?
Trade crypto
Yes, yes. We know crypto has dipped, but that’s exactly why you should buy it. Remember when you said you’ll buy the dip? Better start doing so now so you can have “keep your job” money by the time it pops.
You can easily buy cryptocurrencies and trade them on the Bundle app. They have over 80 cryptocurrencies from Bitcoin and Ethereum to SHIBA. Download the app and sign up to get started.
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Believe it or not, your car choice can determine if your next job will involve managing projects or snatching people’s partners.
Starting next week (January 31st, 2023) -
We can guess your job based on what you eat in a day. Try us:
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If you ever wanted to switch to tech and you don’t know the first thing about landing a tech job, then you have found the answer to your prayers. Here are nine things you need to do to land a tech job.
1) Buy a MacBook
How can you get into tech without a MacBook? It’s like going into a farm without farming tools. Look for the most expensive MacBook on the market and buy it. It will pay off eventually.
2) Catch a python
These tech companies are always talking about pythons. So, go into the streets and find the biggest and best python. When you successfully trap a python, you can tell the companies you’re skilled with python. Work smarter, not harder.
3 IntroTech is still tech
Basic Technology, IntroTech are still tech jobs. If you can’t get into the ones closing deals and earning millions a year, try those ones that make you build lamps with wood. When people ask, tell them you work in tech. All startups are startups and all tech matters.
4) Beg and cry
If all else fails, try begging and crying. When they see you wailing and rolling on the floor, they’d offer you the job. What is tech that you cannot do? You can learn on the job.
5) Learn a new language
They’re always talking about programming languages. So, learn one. French? Yoruba? Ibibio? Just go crazy with it. Learn as many languages as possible.
6) Become a leftend engineer
There are enough front and back end engineers on the market. Do something different to set yourself apart from the crowd. That’s why it’s important to learn leftend. You’d be an expert in your field and you’d become the most sought after person in the tech field.
7) Have a photoshoot
How can you become a tech bro if you don’t have the tech bro photoshoot? How else will they recognise you as the bad bitch you are?
Something like this to spice the tech space up 8) Lie on LinkedIn
If you’re not on Linkedln writing epistles on how we all have the same 24 hours, or how your dog was able to overcome all odds and get a job, then you really aren’t ready to get a tech job.
9) Read TechCabal
TechCabal has all the important tech information you need to not just kickstart your tech career, but also keep you informed on everything going on in the tech space. You can subscribe to the TechCabal newsletter for daily updates on what goes on in the tech ecosystem.
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Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. This is Zikoko’s What She Said.
The subject of today’s What She Said is a 23-year-old woman who loves working as a prostitute. She talks about wanting to be a nurse when she was younger, the challenges of her current job, and her dream of teaching mathematics.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
What’s an early memory of your childhood?
In primary school, we had one of those career days where you’d dress up as what you wanted to be when you grew older. I wanted to be a nurse. I remember wearing my white gown and carrying a thermometer around to check people’s temperatures.
I liked the idea of taking care of people, and at that point, that was all I wanted out of my life. To have a job where I’d spend the whole day caring for someone else.
So, did you study nursing?
I didn’t. As I got older, the idea of caring for people still appealed to me, but nursing seemed so stressful and hard. Also, after I heard all the years they were going to spend in university, I wasn’t interested anymore.
My secondary school had a tutoring program where they’d pair one really smart student with a student who was struggling, to see if the grades of those students would improve. I was really good at mathematics, so I tutored three students. By the end of the term, their grades improved, and I realised teaching was something I wanted to do.
I studied mathematics education in university and I’m working on getting my master’s by next year. After that, a PhD. Right now, I’m just working so I can save up enough money for all the things I have to do.
Glad you found what you loved. How’s the saving money part going?
Well, it’s going great. The goal is about fifty thousand dollars in savings before I leave for school. Also, to invest and earn some passive income.
I currently don’t have a job that makes me a fixed income, but I want to believe I’m doing okay. When I initially decided I wanted to be a sex worker, it was rough for a couple of months, but it’s been two years and life has finally balanced enough for me to say I can save fifty thousand dollars in a year and some months.
How did you decide you wanted to be a sex worker?
It was in 2019 and I was at a restaurant when someone propositioned me. He sent a waiter with a card that asked me how much it would cost for him to take me to his hotel. At first, I was shocked. Other than randomly being called a prostitute by men and women who were trying to insult me, nobody had actually offered to pay me to have sex with them. I was also curious to see if he was serious. I was working at a bank at the time, and the money coming in wasn’t great, so I decided to play along with it. I told him to pay me 125k because I thought he wouldn’t, but he agreed.
I want to believe that the combination of being drunk, broke and curious led me to do it the first time. Looking back, I should have been more careful because I didn’t tell my friends what I went to do or who I went to do it with. I just followed a stranger to a strange place.
How did that go?
It was average sex and he gave me the money in cash. When I was getting ready to leave in the morning, he gave me an extra 20k and his card and told me to keep in touch. At the time, I was still trying to wrap my head around what just happened. I got home, had a nap and woke up to almost 150k in cash beside me. I knew I would call him back. I just didn’t know when.
I called my best friend and explained the entire thing to her. After she scolded me for my recklessness, she helped me come up with a plan. We decided I would need to invest in my appearance, and that’s how the money that man gave me became capital for maintaining the business that is my body.
Was he the only one you slept with?
Of course not. As he and I saw more often, he took me along to parties with his friends and I met more people. They’d give me their numbers and I just did what I did. They ranged from businessmen and businesswomen to politicians and their wives.
Not all the people were old. The youngest person I ever slept with for money was 35. We met at a sex club, and she was bored and wanted to try something new. Honestly, I would have done it for free, but money must be made.
How much would you say you’ve earned?
The money wasn’t a lot in the beginning. It was very dependent on how many people I slept with, and at that time, I actually had to have sex with people. I wasn’t just an escort or some fine girl they were trying to impress. It was an average amount of 350 thousand naira a month. Way more than I earned in the bank job I quit after my first month as a sex worker, and even more than anything I would have earned at any job I was doing at the time.
As I expanded my circle and paid more to take care of myself, the price went up. Now, sometimes I’m paid in dollars or pounds, and I can make millions of naira in a month.
It’s hard work constantly being beautiful, but it’s honest work. I don’t have sex with as many people anymore, so most of my money comes from people trying to impress me like young guys I meet at the gyms, clubs, restaurants, etc.
Do your family members know?
No, and I intend to keep it that way for now. The thing with being a sex worker is constantly having to explain your means of income. To my parents and brother, I’m an entrepreneur. Most sex workers have other jobs they use to mask what they actually do. We live in a very weird society and I’m not ready for the onslaught that’ll happen once they find out the money I’ve been giving them to spend is sex money.
I do plan on telling them eventually, but maybe after I’ve done my master’s.
What’s the hardest part of your job?
There are so many hard parts, it’s unbelievable. One thing that stresses me out is always having to worry about your appearance. In this industry, you need to always look good. Even if you’re just going to pick up garri from the market, you need to put in effort.
Also, sicknesses. I’m very careful when it comes to sex. I encourage my regulars to get tested regularly, and so do I. I also always use a condom and visit my gynaecologist as often as possible. I have an IUD, so I’m covered on the pregnancy front, although I did get pregnant once but miscarried it.
I can’t tell people what I do. There’s also harassment. People just feel like since you do what you do, they’re free to constantly harass you and try to touch you without your consent. It’s crazy and absolutely disgusting.
Lastly, dealing with people’s spouses. There is almost always one partner threatening me with some form of violence or the other. All I do is provide a service, I’m not trying to marry them or anything. Will you shout at me if I was a dry cleaner?
How long do you see yourself doing this?
For as long as I can. I’m aware that being a prostitute is not a sustainable idea. I’d no longer be as young or as flexible as I am now and would earn less and no longer be as sought after, so I’m going to milk it for as long as I can.
I love my job, but I also have bigger plans. Teaching is my passion. I just want to be in a classroom and change people’s lives. I also enjoy studying mathematics.
Do you have any regrets?
That maybe I should have charged that man more on my first night. I’m happy and able to travel to a lot of countries by myself, whenever I want. I can afford way more than the basic necessities, and I have more free time than I know what to do with.
I’m great, and life is treating me fantastic.
Are there any misconceptions about your job you’d like to clear?
Firstly, not everyone hates their job as a sex worker. I love being a prostitute. Also, a lot of people hate their jobs and also only do it because they need to survive. Why then is prostitution a problem?
Secondly, I am not selling my body. I’m selling a service and that service is sex. My body is not for sale in any way.
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Sometimes, people need a little push to leave their places of employment. So here are ten signs you need to leave your job. Don’t say we never did anything for you.
1) No HR
Who is going to protect your rights and fight for a better life for you? If you don’t have HR there’s a lot of shady shit going on and you need to leave before EFCC will come and pack you.
2) Job description in the mud
When you find yourself doing way more things than is listed in your job description, or you don’t even have a job description, it’s time for you to go. They’re not paying you for all that extra work you’re doing, and they’re content with taking advantage of you. This is one of the most important signs that you need to leave your job.
3) Office notifications make you anxious
When the thought of being cced in an email or texted by your boss makes you start sweating buckets, Alaye pack your bags and leave. Office, not war camp.
4) Fornication with your coworkers
If it has gotten to a point where you have slept with at least two of the people you work with, there’s no better time to leave. Not only to avoid see finish, but also because your office is not love island.
5) 13th-month salary
With how hard the economy is, your job isn’t giving you a 13th-month salary? How else will you foster company unity except with dollars and bags of rice?
6) They call staff rockstars
If you work in a place that uses any of the terms “we’re a family”, “our staff are rockstars”, “you are all so special”, you should have started looking for another job after the first meeting.
7) Zero work/life balance
If you constantly have to take work home, or can’t even rest properly because you’re always flooded with task, then you need to reevaluate your situation. Your mats are going to bars but you’re carrying your laptop with you while on your leave because you have a f deadline to meet the next morning? No nau. Even God rested.
8) Constant irritation
Everything about the office irritates you. In fact, things that shouldn’t be irritating you are irritating you. Why is the door black? Why are the windows too low? When you start wondering why your office uses only one kind of toilet paper, it’s maybe time to get another job.
young attractive african American man sitting at home living room working with laptop computer and paperwork looking stressed and desperate maybe studying for exam in education concept 9) Everyone is passive-aggressive
Emails and meetings are filled with subtle jabs and constant passive-aggressiveness. It’s remaining small for the passive-aggressive to be full-blown aggressiveness and your office will turn to a boxing ring. You are not Anthony Joshua. Apply for another job, now!
10) Tears
Does the thought of work make you cry a bit? Have you picked up smoking, drinking or even cocaine so you can go through another workday? If yes, then you need to quit. Your office will not pay for your alcoholics’ anonymous meetings.
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Are you a tech bro or are you a carpenter? Are you neither? Take this quiz and we’ll guess.
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“A Week in the Life“ is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.
The subject of today’s “A Week in the Life” is an executive assistant at a startup. She tells us about how fast-paced her role gets, her coping mechanism and why she continues to show up every day.
Image credit: GETTY MONDAY:
My day starts at 7:00 a.m., but I’m usually awake from 6:30 a.m. It takes me thirty minutes every morning [between 6:30 a.m. and 7:00 a.m.] to beg my body and brain to get out of bed — why is it so difficult to get out of bed as an adult?
At 7:00 a.m., I start running around to prepare for work: I arrange a few clothes here, I do a petty chore there, and then I have my bath. No matter how many tasks I have to complete, I always leave the house by 8:00 a.m., because work starts unfailingly by 9:00 a.m. Today is no exception as I dash out of the house at exactly 8:00 a.m.
My job feels like I’m doing every other person’s job with them, and I don’t have a fixed role. My tasks for today include assisting the sales team to create pitch decks for their clients. It also involves helping the creative team fine-tune a deliverable for a client. Additionally, I also have to assist the CEO, who I’m primarily hired to assist, with ensuring everyone turns in their deliverables. My saving grace is that I’ve always been an everywhere but nowhere person, and over time, I’ve learnt to have eyes on multiple things at the same time.
It’s 8:30 a.m. when I get to the office so I take some time to relax. I make a phone call to let my housemates know I’m at work. I spend a few minutes remembering all of what I did last week, and how to bring it forward into the new week. Then I mentally prepare myself for whatever kind of day that’s waiting for me ahead. At a few minutes to 9:00 a.m., I turn on my computer and Slack notifications begin to troop in. Now my day truly begins.
TUESDAY:
A typical day in the life of an executive assistant involves a lot of fire fighting. Something is always going on somewhere that requires your attention. However, if you take your eyes off from other tasks and focus on one for too long, you might lose the plot. A lot of the work involves compartmentalising and focusing on putting out one fire after the other. I don’t attend to notifications immediately they come in unless I’m free to immediately work on it. I also try not to dismiss the notification tray because out of sight is out of mind. My day is planned to the tiniest detail, and that’s where my trusted Airtable comes into play. With it, I’ve automated every form of reminder possible. A snippet from my Airtable notifications today looks like this:
10 a.m. — Reminder to remind the sales team about closing invoice payment.
10:15 a.m. — Reminder to submit a draft of a pitch deck that was due yesterday.
10:30 a.m. — Reminder about meeting with potential clients. For the meeting, you need to have prepared slides to convince them why they should part with their money.
1:00 p.m. — Reminder to eat so that you can function.
1:20 p.m. — 5:00 p.m. — Firefighting. Firefighting. Firefighting.
The process is not seamless because things still slip through my attention but I’m always improving on it. I like to think I’m a work in progress. If you asked me to describe my job, I’d say it’s pretty much doing almost all that the CEO is doing but in an assistant capacity. It’s a lot of being on top of all that’s happening in the company but not collecting CEO-level salary.
WEDNESDAY:
My colleagues woke up today and chose violence. That’s the only rational explanation for why I got to work and they started to hail me as “Executive”. It’s ridiculous because what’s the use of an executive title if I’m still jumping buses all over Lagos or still flying bikes to work? I won’t lie, there’s a lot of pressure to perform at this job. Because of the proximity to the CEO, there are a lot of expectations. There are people who expect your salary to be out of this world. Lol. There are people who expect you to automatically know a million and one terms and buzzwords because you’re the CEO’s eyes and ears. There are also people who think you are the baby CEO so you have some magic solve-it-all solution to their problems. Everyone with their unique wahala.
I’ll be spending time today with the guys in the finance department to go through our books, and I’m stressed in advance. I know that after I close from work, I’ll have to do a lot of studying. Mostly because finance guys use a lot of terminologies I’m not familiar with. Half of this job is nodding enthusiastically through big words in the day and spending my whole night furiously Googling the meaning of these words. The other half of the job is dreaming about sleep because I haven’t been sleeping enough.
I’m trying not to worry too much because I’m still new in the role and I think I’ll settle in with time. It’s just that my performance review is coming up and I don’t know where I stand — I know it’s neither good nor bad but I can’t say where I fall. I wonder why human beings have to go through so much stress to earn money. It’d have been nice if I could just walk down the street and someone would dash me money.
THURSDAY:
I don’t want to let down the entire company so this means that I’m always on my toes. Sometimes I’m grooving over the weekend and I see a message from my boss and my heart skips. However, I’m learning not to panic when messages come in. The toughest part of my job has to be learning in a short period of time what has taken other people years to learn. Because whether I like it or not, I have to perform and collaborate with the different teams in the company. My job is to figure out if I want to cry, faint or lose my mind before I learn what’s required of me. I rotate my options depending on my mood that day.
On the flip side, the best part of the job is that I get to meet people. Every week I get to listen directly to rich, smart people talk about their work. Even though I’m in these conversations to assist the CEO, I still find some of the meetings fun. Like the meeting I’m in today. Although I’ve zoned out a couple of times, I’ve enjoyed listening to the banter and business-speak. Thankfully, every time I’ve zoned out I’ve had buzzwords like “ecosystem”, “investor” call me back to the present.
I can’t wait for lunchtime because all this talk with big English has left me feeling famished.
FRIDAY:
I need to sleep. But I don’t sleep well because I don’t own my time. I sleep late because my colleagues won’t stop texting me till late at night. I also wake up early because people still won’t stop texting me. I can’t nap in the afternoon because someone always needs me to fill out a form or pull up a document for them. This has led to me constantly falling asleep in awkward places. Today, I slept off in front of the T.V while watching The Office for the hundredth time on Netflix. My housemates already call me 30+ and sleeping off just validates their theory.
I hope that the long hours and anxiety-driven schedule are worth it. I want to learn as much as possible about what it takes to successfully run a business in Nigeria. I also don’t mind forming useful relationships along the way. As long as everything builds my competence to the level where I can successfully run my own company [N.G.O] one day. Even though I’m constantly looking at the big picture, I’m also learning to take things one day at a time. After all, this is just my second month in this role. I need to be more patient with myself and I also need to sleep. Thank God the weekend is upon us. By Sunday, we resume the rat race all over again.
Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week in the Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.
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The subject of this week’s What She Said is a 31-year-old Nigerian Muslim woman who got married at 23. She talks about realising she should have waited, getting a job years later and finally settling into her marriage.
How did it start?
I’d just finished my master’s, and I’d met a guy.
We had been talking for two years, and we were friends. One thing that keeps me going is that no one told me I had to get married, not even my parents. I wasn’t ready for it and didn’t know what I was getting into.
I should have been independent for a while. Looking back, I needed at least two years to figure out myself after my master’s. Getting a nice job, fending for myself would probably have taught me lessons I struggled with along the way.
So why did you get married?
For people like me, a lot of us were not educated on marriage, so it was an “if not, why not?” decision. What I thought would happen was, once I got married, I wouldn’t answer to my mum and dad anymore, I’d get a job, and life would just happen. I thought marriage was IT.
I got pregnant a month after I got married, and that did not help matters. I didn’t know what to expect. There’s no perfect partner, relationship or marriage, but there are some things that, if I was told to expect, would have made marriage easier for me. I tell people now that marriage can be sweet. For me, It was the foundation. It was not strong.
What are some things you’d have preferred you knew beforehand?
That marriage is a different ball game. I had so many responsibilities. There was someone expecting me to care for them, and I wasn’t even done caring for myself.
Tell me about the foundation.
Let me start from earlier. I had dated guys but there was always a religion barrier for me. I sort of knew that I could not take a Christian partner to my parents. There was also this cultural thing about wanting to marry from your tribe. Parents are more comfortable with that. When I dated a Muslim from Ibadan, no one told me to not marry him, but I was sure no one took our relationship seriously.
In my service year, I had an aunt who was introducing me to different guys, and she introduced my husband to me. When she sent his picture, I wasn’t impressed. We started chatting anyway, and I found him interesting. He made me laugh. We would chat and chat and chat. He was 31.
One day, a few months later, he said he going to Kwara State and I went, “Oh, I’m from Ilorin.” Then he mentioned it’s my family compound he was going to.
Knowing about his background made me more interested in him, and now, our families were involved. After that, he told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship; he was looking for a girl he could marry. I was like, finally, a Muslim guy from my town.
And then, marriage.
Yes. It’s possible if I had a year before getting pregnant, I would have gotten a job and we would have been able to live together without having to deal with hormones and stress and thinking.
If I could go back in time, I probably would have married someone who was like two years older than me. There were some conversations we’d have that used to annoy me. If I wanted to express myself, he’d think I’m arguing. He’d say, “Why are you arguing? I can be your brother; I can be your uncle.” And I’m like, “No, you can’t be. You’re my husband.”
Thankfully, we were friends, so even if we were fighting, we’d still check on each other.
Has this changed?
Yes. My marriage is good now because I said to myself, I’m not going to endure what I can enjoy. If I can’t enjoy it, I’d rather move on. There was a time where it felt like we were complete strangers. We were like housemates. Then it got to a certain point that I was like, “What am I doing?”
How did you get to this point?
For five years, I routinely took my child to school and just stayed in the house. I didn’t work because I tried when I got married, but it wasn’t forthcoming, then pregnancy happened. I also didn’t have goals or plans set out. It was a conversation I didn’t even have with my husband before we got married. Till date, my husband can say, “I didn’t stop my wife from working”, but I sensed he didn’t want me to. He wanted an educated housewife. One time when I was looking for a job, I suggested going to NTA to get an internship — I studied mass communication — and he said he never knew I wanted to take my journalism seriously.
I got desperate after my second child. We were fighting more, and I wanted more for myself. I started a fresh juice business, but that wasn’t enough.
After my second daughter, I asked myself, “What next?” I had been home for five years, no job, just kids screaming for me. I searched and got a job.
What changed was I realised that my husband had been my only friend. If you checked my call log you’d see Mama or Brother. I wasn’t experiencing other people. And the job fixed this. I’d come back home, and we would have conversations that were not just about us anymore. He also started respecting me.
I think he sees me these days, and he’s proud. The other day I was speaking with the MD of a popular restaurant, and I could see his respect.
Salute.
The lockdown also gave us an opportunity to speak and thrash things out. We bonded, and that was when I told myself I would work at my marriage or leave.
I realised that he was also going through stuff, so I took a step back. I asked myself, “What are you doing that is not making him happy.”
He just wanted me to be there, but I was not happy with myself and I couldn’t be. And because he was going outside, it was easier for him to free himself off me with friends and work.
I would say, right now, I’ve grown to understand him better. Men never accept they’re wrong, and that’s a way to manage them. I’d give an example. When we got married, I always wanted to contest what he was saying. So if he says, you can’t take the kids here, I’d fight. Now, I don’t ask, I just do it. And we talk about it after.
If I had known these things earlier, I’d have had a blissful marriage.
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