flatmates | Zikoko!

Let’s start from the beginning. How did you end up living with these flatmates?

Picture this: It’s 2023, fuel prices have just skyrocketed, and while you’re trying to find your footing, your landlord doubles your rent. At the same time, your job announces no raises until the following year. For me, it was either to find flatmates and split the bills or start fighting for space under one of these Lagos bridges.

I feel you. Was it easy finding flatmates?

Not at all. I needed three more people to come live in the flat to be able to afford the rent and utilities. I tried test running with a few people, but we didn’t click because of personality clashes and cleanliness preferences.

Then, one day, a mutual friend linked me up with three other people, a guy and a lesbian couple. It felt like a perfect fit.

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How was it living with them?

It was great for the first four months, especially with the girls, PB and Jay. We clicked almost instantly and got really close. We would share the couch, lend each other things like rice or sugar, and talk for hours.

They were also a really cute couple, so it was fun being their third wheel. The guy, Jacob, was also very quiet, cleaned after himself and minded his business. The best part, of course, was that the bills weren’t taking my life every month.

That sounds great. What scattered everything?

The girls loved to party. They’d go clubbing four to five times a week and get back really late—from around 2 a.m. to 4 a.m. Jacob had to open the gate for them every time because I take sleeping pills, so I’m out like a light by 10 p.m. at the latest.

After a few months of this, Jacob was done waking up at odd hours, so he asked them to either stay out till around 5 to 7 a.m. when we’d be up and getting ready for work, or come back much earlier. PB and Jay didn’t take it well.

How did they react exactly?

They stopped talking to Jacob and me all at once. When this started, I didn’t even know Jacob and the girls had any kind of discussion. One day, on my way out to work, I saw PB and Jay cooking in the kitchen.

I said a breezy good morning and got no response. I didn’t think too much of it because I don’t really take greetings or responses personally, but they kept giving me the cold shoulder. It got so weird that just being in the same room with them felt tense.

Can you share an example?

Once, we had to pay a street levy but the landlord hadn’t told me about it yet. I don’t even know how the girls found out before I did, but PB came to knock on my door, and when I opened it, she stretched a wad of cash to me. I was confused, so I asked what the money was for, but she didn’t say anything. She just kept stretching her hand out with the money.

I thought it was weird so I slowly closed the door and this babe threw the money at the door and walked off. I was so irritated. That money stayed on the floor for days because I refused to say or do anything about it.

Ah. Who now carried the money?

Jay eventually picked up the money and transferred the amount to me with a clear description. I was ready to leave that money there till 2080. They filled the apartment with such bad energy for two months after their fight with Jacob.

When did you find out about their fight with Jacob?

Almost a full month after they moved out. Jacob came to ask my thoughts on if he overstepped, but after explaining to me, I was on his side. They didn’t even let me or Jacob know they were moving out. I just came home from work that day and saw that they were carrying their things, both big and small.

After two months of silence, I didn’t even bother to ask where they were going.

Did you ever try to investigate why they weren’t speaking to you?

I think when I first noticed it, I wanted to ask them about it, but I hate the silent treatment due to trauma from some past relationships. It’s very manipulative and foolish, in my opinion. If you have an issue with me, speak like a grown up. If you keep quiet, it’s your problem, and I’ll never ask. You are not God.

I also felt like if our friendship was real and I offended them, they would talk to me instead of giving me the cold shoulder. Like we went from gossiping on the couch to not even greeting each other in the mornings. It was unacceptable.

Fair enough. How are the bills now that it’s just the two of you?

After two months, I got a promotion so I could cover more bills than before. Plus, we got a third flatmate, and she’s the sweetest, kindest, non-malice-keeping babe on the Lagos Mainland.

If they ever reached out to you to talk about what happened, how would you react?

By the special Grace of God, with silence. Let them try to explain in another life, I don’t want to hear it.

If you want to share your own Sunken Ships story, fill this form.

Rent is expensive in a lot of places, so it’s only natural that people decide to share their apartments with other people. It should be a win-win situation for everyone involved, but if your flatmate is guilty of any of the following, you should know that they don’t have your best interests at heart.

1. When they set numerous, loud alarms and never wake up to any of them

But you in the other room have woken up since the first alarm went off and unable to go back to sleep

2. When they use the kitchen and leave you to deal with the mess

For some reason, they think you’re the help and your job is to do whatever they can’t

3. When they eat the food you kept for later

Again, you’re the help.

4. When they bring their friends in all the time and take over the living room

Now, you’re the kid and you should leave the living room for the grown-ups.

5. They borrow your things and lose them

That’s how you lost your favourite hat.

6. They always give an excuse when it’s their turn to clean the bathroom

“Sorry, the sight of filth nauseates me.”

7. They borrow money and refuse to pay back on time if they pay at all

They always ask you to understand.

8. It’s a struggle to get them to pay the power bill and even rent

You know what? Just move out. You deserve better.

Getting your first apartment can be very exciting and very expensive. While the prospect of never being woken up from sleep to wash plates again is great, rent is also cost. For most people, the sensible thing to do is get a flatmate or two. But what they don’t know is that finding a great flatmate can be harder than finding someone to marry. And is even more important than making sure you get an apartment where the electricity supply isn’t too bad or doesn’t flood when someone sneezes.

To avoid getting stuck with a nightmare of a flatmate, you need to ask any potential flatmate you might be considering these questions.

First thing.

You got rent money? And not just the rent money alone? Because that’s just the beginning? These LAWMA and PHCN bills won’t pay themselves.

How’s your family doing?

Are you going to move in half of your 21 family members into our two bedroom apartment two months into our stay?

How many people are really moving in?

Are you in a relationship? Does your boyfriend/girlfriend have a home of their own? Or are they going to become our third flatmate who doesn’t pay rent after we move in?

Early bird?

What’s your morning routine like? Am I going to wake up to you screaming about repentance and eternal damnation at 4 am every day?

Let’s talk about your friends.

How often do your friends visit? And what is the usual nature of these visits? Is it the ‘how far just checking on you’ kind? Or the ‘let me crash on your couch for two days that’ll turn into two months’ kind?

Kids?

Do you have any secret children staying with your parents? Who will suddenly come and stay with you for two months when they are on holiday from school?

Any pets?

What about unconventional pets? Because I’m guessing that’s what the snake you are keeping in a calabash must be?

You know there’ll be bills right?

Again is it only rent money you have to your name? Or do you have a constant source of income and a plan to pay your bills and feed yourself for the year? Plans that don’t include eating my food when I’m away.

Flat mate not BFF please.

Are you looking for a new best friend? Because that’s not me. Except on the days corner you in the kitchen or living room to rant about a bad date.

Any criminal record?

Are you wanted by the police or any federal government agency like EFCC or NDLEA? Yeah, I know it’s all a mix-up and you are not guilty of anything, please just let me know now.

Do you need to join an AA group?

How often do you drink? Do like to indulge in a glass of wine every now and then or am I going to be jumping over empty alcohol bottles when I enter the kitchen?

Any experience?

Have you ever lived on your own? Or do you still expect the generator to magically never run out of petrol, or the electricity bills to automatically be paid?

Do you clean?

What’s your definition of clean? Being able to eat off the toilet floor after you’ve cleaned it every week? Or sweeping once a month and hoping your fairy godmother will sort out everything else?

Let’s make it official.

Are you willing to sign a flatmate contract? Because it’s 2019 and I want everything we’ve agreed on written in black and white and signed.