• Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.


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    TW: Revenge porn, sexual abuse, attempted suicide. 

    What’s your earliest memory of money?

    I remember watching my primary school classmates go out to get snacks during break time and being unable to do the same because I didn’t have money. That’s when it first clicked that money was necessary to get basic things.

    Did your “not having money” have anything to do with your family’s financial situation?

    It did, but we weren’t poor. My mum is a teacher, and my dad is a civil servant, so they’re pretty well-to-do. But they have a scarcity mindset, which I think may have come from their childhoods. I don’t know the specifics, but they probably had limited access to money and thought their children should also have limited access to cash. 

    My siblings and I had to give full explanations to support any money request. At first, I thought it was normal, but I realised as I got older that their attitude towards money was extreme. It was so bad that, even when I hit puberty, my parents refused to buy me a deodorant. I was a sweaty adolescent, and everyone in my class complained of my body odour, but my parents didn’t think I needed a deodorant. 

    It also didn’t help that I struggled with my mental health as a kid, which further fractured my relationship with my parents. I was a withdrawn, unhappy child, and my parents didn’t understand it. Like why are you depressed when we provide every basic thing you need? 

    I thought they saw me as an ungrateful child and vibe killer — my mum especially — and it made it even more difficult for me to ask for money. My mum would say I didn’t deserve things because I didn’t make her happy. I kinda understand my mum now, though. It must have been difficult dealing with a child who was always sad. 

    Hmmm

    I endured a whole lot of mental and emotional stress growing up because of all the weirdness.

    There was a brief period when I was 18, and my mum became nicer to me. My parents finally took me to see a mental health specialist who said I suffered from clinical depression caused by a chemical imbalance. The diagnosis cost about ₦300k. They also prescribed me drugs for treatment, and that helped. 

    But the damage had already been done. 

    What do you mean?

    It’s a long story. 

    I’m listening

    I entered university in 2019, and my parents gave me a ₦10k/month allowance, which was barely enough for feeding. I’m sure they knew it wasn’t enough, too. But since I was uncomfortable with asking them for money, I had to sort myself out. I started dating people I shouldn’t have because they’d give me money. I also tried a few other things for money at uni.

    Tell me more about these other things

    The first thing I did was write. I used to write essays for my classmates in high school, so I knew I could write. I met a copywriter in school, and he put me through freelance sites like Upwork and Fiverr. 

    I started content writing on those sites in 2020 and got occasional ₦20/word gigs. The most I made from a gig was ₦40k for a 2k-word article. Around the same time, I began to get a considerable social media following due to some of my thirst traps I posted online. I’d also been posting some of my writing on my accounts, so when the social media attention increased, I started getting requests to write smut content. 

    How much were you getting paid to write smut?

    The average pay per smut piece was ₦50k, and each piece contained three to five chapters. I received a lot of requests, but I only took one or two gigs weekly because the writing had to be pretty detailed, and I didn’t feel good writing it. 

    Why do you think that was?

    The most common requests I got were about rape fetishes and gay smut that still had hints of rape. It became so irritating and uncomfortable writing these pieces that I couldn’t even read them after writing. It was quick money, but I started to hate it so much. I stopped after about nine months.

    I moved on to writing music recommendations on social media. By then, I’d gotten over 10k followers and was something like an influencer. So, up-and-coming artists paid me at least ₦10k to recommend their songs. My life was going well. 

    Then, a few years ago, someone leaked my private photos and a sex tape, and I had to leave school.


    If you have been a victim of revenge porn or you know someone who is currently being victimised, here’s a resource that can help.


    Oh no. Do you have any idea how that happened?

    My ex-boyfriend did it. We had a messy breakup, but it never even occurred to me that he’d do that. I didn’t even know he was holding on to those pictures and videos. I also didn’t know when the pictures started going around in my uni and on social media until a few weeks later.

    You know how you never think something can happen to you, but it does anyway? That’s how I felt. I used to be super judgemental about things like that and be like, “Why can’t women be more careful?” But it happened to me, and it’s like, “Yeah, it’s not exactly something you see coming.”

    I’m so sorry

    It was so world-altering, and it’s crazy how much one person has impacted my life. My university got involved after someone reported that I was self-harming and hadn’t left my room in a week. The school authorities also involved my parents — I asked them not to tell my parents about the pictures, so they just thought I was depressed. I was hospitalised for three days as everyone concluded I was a danger to myself. It was also the period I finally got the clinical depression diagnosis I mentioned earlier. 

    My school didn’t let me write exams two different times because they wanted to make sure I was in the right mental state. However, they couldn’t do anything to stop people from sharing the pictures. Ultimately, I had to transfer to another uni towards the end of 2023. 

    I’m sorry you went through that

    That wasn’t even all. The pictures started making rounds at my new school not long after I started there. I heard boys were literally sourcing for new pictures and selling my shit. 

    It was so embarrassing. I missed exams again and attempted suicide during the semester break. My parents thought it was depression again, and they went into panic mode, trying to watch over me. That was until my sister revealed that the whole thing was because my nudes leaked.

    My parents were angry, as expected. It was a whole lot.


    If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or crisis, please reach out for support here.


    Where was your head during this time?

    First, I stayed away from social media. I deactivated all my accounts because some people started to recognise me from the pictures going around. I stopped writing the music recommendations because I couldn’t even think about making money.

    However, I rejoined social media a few months ago when I learnt that the pictures were beginning to resurface. I try to limit the leaks by finding the account of the person actively sharing them and paying hackers between ₦60k and ₦100k to take down the accounts. When the pictures started trending again a few months ago, I reached out to the source, and this guy actually told me he was making money on my pictures, so he couldn’t take them down. He was like, “It must suck to be you.” 

    That’s wild

    It was so shocking to me. That same day, I saw an online ad about a new platform where you could get paid to post pictures and videos. I thought it’d just be an opportunity to gather followership again and find people who liked me enough to pay for my attention. I created an account, set my subscription rate at ₦30k/month, and put the link in my social media bio. 

    I thought my subscription rate was ridiculous and didn’t expect anyone to pay, so I just forgot about the account. But a week later, the platform’s managers reached out to tell me I was amassing a lot of money on the platform and wanted to give me a contract. I was surprised, so I opened the account. I found ₦1m sitting in my wallet. I hadn’t even posted anything yet.

    But what were they subscribing to?

    Let me tell you how the platform works: Every creator’s account is locked to the public, and only a paying subscriber can see the content. The creator can also put custom content behind a different paywall and charge subscribers more to see it. When they pay, the money goes to the creator’s wallet, which they can withdraw to a bank account. The platform takes 30% as commission.

    When I returned to the platform, I uploaded regular pictures at first. But then I started getting weird DMs from my subscribers about wanting explicit content. That’s when I checked other content creators’ pages and realised the platform was essentially an adult content creation platform. 

    Remember the contract I mentioned? The platform’s managers offered to pay me ₦800k to promote my account link three times a week on my other social media platforms for three months, in addition to whatever I made from subscriptions and other content. 

    It seemed like a no-brainer. At that point, all the negative attention from the leaks had become overwhelming. I couldn’t return to school because I was scared and miserable, and people avoided me. I felt like I was radioactive. I’d also told my parents I wanted to take a gap year and attend fashion school, but they refused to pay for it.

    I just thought, “I’m being shamed regardless. Might as well make money from it.”

    So, you started creating adult content fully

    Once I started, I knew there was no going back. I moved out and went to squat with friends because I knew what I was doing would get to my parents one way or another. 

    Also, about a month ago, I accepted the platform’s contract and started posting explicit content. A lot has happened since then.

    First, there’s the money. I’ve never seen the amount of money I’ve made this past month before. I spent several days looking at that ₦1m I made in my first week because I just couldn’t believe it.

    That said, I quickly got a lot of negative attention, which in turn increased my subscribers. The attention was mostly people accusing me of my “hypocrisy.” Like, this same babe who complained about her nudes getting leaked is now doing this. 

    I learnt that guys from my former school were contributing money to pay for access to my content on the platform. Some of my male friends even created burner accounts to subscribe. The first two weeks were the hardest —It was difficult to become comfortable with the whole thing, and I was depressed for a bit, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.

    [ad]

    Has your family found out?

    They found out almost immediately and were understandably upset. My parents called me via conference call, and they couldn’t wrap their heads around it. My mum and I didn’t even speak for a while. But we’re slowly getting back on talking terms. 

    I told my parents I needed to do it to figure out my life and get into fashion school, and they’ve been following up, especially my dad. He made sure I got an apartment and sent him receipts after paying for fashion school. My apartment cost ₦3.5m, and my tuition is ₦2.5m for a one-year program — all paid with my income. I won’t just be learning how to sew, though. The program also teaches a course on the business side of the fashion industry.

    Out of curiosity, how much have you made since you’ve been creating adult content?

    Over ₦10m. Most of this income came from custom content. I currently have six subscribers who consistently request custom content, and the least I charge is ₦100k. Right now, I make at least ₦800k weekly on the platform.

    Interestingly, custom content isn’t always anything crazy. Sure, I get the nude photos and video requests, but some subscribers just ask for a regular conversation. They’re probably just lonely guys who want someone to talk to. But of course, there are also people with weird fetishes, which I sometimes decline.


    READ: A Week In The Life Of A Sex Worker


    What are some of the weirdest requests you’ve gotten?

    One guy was really into armpits and kept asking for footage of my armpits in different positions. That one was just confusing. 

    I honestly used to think fetishes were mostly a white people thing, but Nigerians have some of the weirdest ones I’ve heard. I’ve declined requests where guys ask me to send videos where I’m peeing on myself.

    People also ask for sex tapes, but I’m not comfortable with that either. There’s no way to film without showing my face. The tapes would pay more, but I already have a bad experience with them.

    Right. What’s the weight of being an adult content creator on your personal life?

    I struggle with the stereotype and how I’m constantly sexualised. It also hurts me when my siblings and friends text me about what I’m doing. Or when I meet guys, and they see my adult content link on my bio, and the first thing they want to do is sleep with me.

    People have called me a prostitute and associated what I’m doing with sex work even though I’m not actually sleeping with anyone. I understand it, though. Nigerians can’t accept the concept of adult content creation and the immorality around it. A year ago, I wouldn’t have accepted it either. 

    So, I get the stigma, but I’ve learned to tune out the background noise. I now restrict my comments section and limit people’s access to me. Interestingly, the people dragging me are the same ones paying to view my content, so I’ve learned not to take the social media noise seriously anymore. That doesn’t mean I’m always unaffected by it. It’s hard. I just don’t feel like I have the right to complain because I made this decision.

    I’ve also consciously begun surrounding myself with people who don’t judge me. I’m making new friends and taking each day as it comes.

    Quick segue: You’ve made so much money so quickly. How do you feel about that?

    Sometimes, I feel like it’s just beginner’s luck. I worry that the money will stop coming, and I fear going broke. So, I’m under intense pressure to make the right financial decisions that can guarantee me other income sources when this one stops paying. 

    Even if adult content doesn’t stop paying, I’m not sure how much more I can take. I pretend like I don’t give a fuck like the other creators, but I’m certain my mental health can’t handle doing this for a long time, so I’m actively considering alternatives.

    Is this where fashion school comes in?

    Yeah. I just started the program and will need to figure out how to run a fashion business when I’m done. I’ve also promised my parents I’ll only do adult content for the year it’ll take me to complete the program. That means I have a year to figure my shit out.

    In the meantime, I want to create a brand as a fashion influencer while I still have social media attention. So, hopefully, when I go cold turkey on adult content, the attention will move to my brand.

    Have there been any lifestyle changes due to the income surge?

    Besides my apartment and school fees, my financial habits haven’t really changed. I squandered that first ₦1m on clothes and other essentials because I left home without packing anything. But now, I mostly keep my money. I just like looking at it in my account — possibly because I’m scared it will disappear.

    Oh, and this isn’t exactly a lifestyle change, but everyone now asks me for money. My relatives and former friends literally look at my subscriber count to calculate my money. For them, that’s enough justification to bill me. It’s crazy because they judge me but still want my money. It’s weird having to say no all the time.

    I might consider investments because I still need to be smart with my money. I owe that to myself because no one will come to my rescue if things go south. But for now, I enjoy looking at it while figuring out what to do.

    What are your typical monthly expenses like?

    Well, I’ve only had money for about a month, so I still think of my expenses on a weekly basis.

    Nairalife #301 weekly expenses

    Is there anything you want right now but can’t afford?

    A car. I don’t even care whether it’s a Corolla or Camry; I just want something that can take me from point A to B because cabs are so expensive right now.

    While I can afford a car on paper, I don’t think it’s a wise decision. It’ll most likely take a chunk of my earnings. I want to get to the point where I can buy something between ₦3m – ₦5m without stressing about how much I have left. 

    How would you rate your financial happiness on a scale of 1 -10?

    5. I feel like I’ll still have money anxiety, no matter how much I have. It took me making money to know ₦1m isn’t a lot of money and that money can go as quickly as it comes. I know I’m comfortable right now, but I’m not confident about my finances. 


    If you’ve been a victim of revenge porn or you struggle with your mental health, here are some resources you might find helpful:


    If you’re interested in talking about your Naira Life story, this is a good place to start.

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  • Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.

    This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 68-year-old Nigerian woman with a thyroid disorder that imitates clinical depression. She tells us how her health struggles have given her a strangely positive outlook on life after a decade of numbness.

    Photo by Engin Akyurt

    When did you realise you had a thyroid disorder?

    After I had my last born in 1992. I was 37, and my neck just started swelling. After some weeks, it was worryingly large. I wasn’t in pain, but I was always coughing and short of breath. When I went to the hospital, they said I had goitre, that my thyroid was inflamed, and it was because I was deficient in iodine. 

    I was so scared because my loving sister had passed away because of throat cancer in 1990. But thank God, mine was nothing cancerous. I did surgery, and it was gone. 

    This feels like one of those movies where…

    Yes, it came back. About a month later, I started having muscle and joint pain and was constantly tired. So I returned to my doctor, who referred me to a colleague in England. 

    I travelled, did several tests and waited another two months before being diagnosed with hypothyroidism.

    What did this mean?

    It meant my thyroid wasn’t producing enough hormones for my body, so I had to start taking hormone replacement tablets every day. It also meant everything became worse.

    Because of the drugs? 

    No. After having my last child, Fola, I went into what we all thought was postpartum depression. I had no motivation to do anything at all. I couldn’t return to work. I didn’t even want to breastfeed him. In fact, I had this irrational phobia for breastfeeding, so he had to grow up on formula. Luckily for us, my sister-in-law had a child shortly after, so she would breastfeed him for me when she was around. 

    I was numb, physically cold, my skin was so dry, like it was harmattan when it wasn’t, and I simply didn’t want to do anything. I was religious before, but after Fola, I no longer wanted to pray or read the Bible. I wanted to stay in bed and be left completely alone without having to think about anything or anyone. The worst sound to me at that time was my baby’s crying. I couldn’t stand it.

    RELATED: What She Said: No One Told Me How Painful It Is to Stop Breastfeeding

    And it wasn’t postpartum?

    It wasn’t. After the neck surgery, I felt a bit better. At least, I could relate with people and carry Fola, but I didn’t return to being happy. It’s a tiny blur in the past now, but I remember being such a friendly, lighthearted person.

    Once the body pain and tiredness started, I went into a deeper depression. I’d walk around the house slowly because I didn’t want to do even the littlest things — moving from one room to another. I was gaining weight, constantly constipated, constantly having muscle cramps and joint pains. My period was haywire, and I no longer wanted sex. My husband was so frustrated by the whole thing, but bless him, he tried his hardest not to show it. 

    We never knew that I was suffering from a medical condition where my brain was triggering sadness because I didn’t have enough of one hormone.

    Damn. I’m so sorry. What was life like after the diagnosis?

    I didn’t notice any improvements even after several months of taking the hormone replacement drugs. So I was in and out of the hospital, sometimes even having to take trips back to England, for more and more blood tests until the correct dose was found. 

    I felt like a lab rat, constantly being poked and experimented on. I slept in and out of different hospitals and labs between ‘93 and ‘94. All the specialists in LUTH and UI knew my husband and me very well. They’d even make social calls to our home. Meanwhile, I just felt dead inside.

    Even after you got the correct dose?

    Yes. The physical side got better. My skin and period pattern normalised. But for the next decade, I struggled with the motivation to do anything at all. I was either sleeping all the time or suffering from insomnia. I couldn’t even cry anymore. I was just numb, blank, like an empty barrel. 

    And this went on for ten years?

    Or more. I missed my children growing up, my career never recovered after I lost my job in ‘93, and I couldn’t sustain a business. 

    In 1995, I travelled to stay with my eldest sister for some time in Akure. It was supposed to be for a few weeks because my husband wanted me to have a change of scenery, and I myself was feeling so guilty and worthless watching him carry all the weight at home, paying for everything and raising our five children. I ended up staying in Akure for close to a year.

    If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why

    Why?

    I just couldn’t go back. It was a huge mental battle where I felt like I was being swallowed up and drowned out by the depression. And I could tell my sister and her family felt sorry for me. That was when I started cutting myself with knife and razors. I’d feel like I was drifting, disappearing, so I’d lock myself in my room and cut my lower arm and thighs out of desperation. 

    I remember the first time I did this was the first time I smiled in a long time. It was like the devil was using me. I was always scared right after I cleaned the self-inflicted wounds with spirit and plastered them up.

    What made you think about cutting yourself?

    My God, I don’t know. It must’ve been out of desperation. I might’ve been somewhat suicidal. I think I was. It’s hard now to figure out my motives and the things I did during that long foggy period. I wasn’t myself.

    What made you eventually return home?

    My husband persuaded me to come back, saying that my children needed their mother. I remember both our families begging me like I was this wicked person who didn’t want to be with her family. Not knowing I was struggling with myself. I allowed them to take me, and I returned to moping around in our house for another several years. I was like a ghost.

    Did you stop cutting yourself?

    I’ve heard now that people get addicted to cutting. But I bless God I never got to that stage. It was shame that made me stop because when I returned to my husband’s house, he never let me leave his sight. I couldn’t imagine him finding out I was doing something like that, so I gave it up. Even when he found the healed and unhealed cuts I gave myself in Akure, I lied that they happened naturally due to my condition. He just shook his head and let it go.

    What changed after a decade?

    In 2000, a friend of mine who relocated to the US in the 80s invited me to visit with her in Houston, Texas, for a month. I think she and my husband had spoken to each other because I’d cut off ties with most of my friends since the whole thing started. She took me from therapist to therapist until one day, we went to see this woman who was a hypnotist.

    Weren’t you scared to see a hypnotist?

    I was nothing. I don’t think I even thought about it. I just let my friend take me anywhere, all the while wishing I could just be allowed to stay in one place and be. Surprisingly, this session was the first treatment to give me some long-lasting relief. 

    She didn’t ask me questions or proffer much advice because my depression was linked to a medical condition that would never disappear. That’s what made it so hard to manage. There was no talking through it, figuring out triggers, or getting closure; just my body’s inadequacy.

    So how exactly did the hypnotherapy go?

    Unfortunately, I don’t remember a thing beyond going there, meeting the kind black woman and leaving much lighter. 

    I see. And what changed exactly?

    Alone in my room that night, my mind was blank in a new way. It was like I was open to new revelations. I realised my condition could be a blessing rather than a curse if I just opened my mind to see it that way. Because I no longer wanted to do anything, my condition indirectly freed me from the pressures of constantly chasing the vanities of life. Nothing really matters in life except what we make of it. 

    I’m not saying people should want to be depressed, but it’s happened to me. What can I make out of it?

    What have you made out of it?

    I’ve achieved contentment. It stopped being important for me to compete with everyone else over every single thing. My body has forced me to focus on taking one step, one day at a time. I never want to go back to that stage of giving myself wounds to feel alive or insulting myself in my mind because I feel guilty over something God thought to give me naturally.

    And work? Were you ever able to go back?

    Not really. After so many years at home, my husband opened a supermarket for me to manage in 2001. It was about a year after the hypnotherapy — I did two sessions of that before returning to Nigeria. 

    I’ve run the stores successfully for 21 years and expanded to three other locations on the mainland and one on the island. My eldest handles most of the operations now. God has been faithful.

    It’s been 31 years since your first surgery. Are you still depressed? 

    I don’t even know anymore. I now take SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), so I’m very restless these days. I want to take walks, see my grandchildren and attend Sunday service, but I’ve also been having short-term memory loss and finding it hard to concentrate on things. 

    At the end of the day, I don’t remember to care or be sad about these things. I’m content and ready for whatever life brings.

    READ ALSO: What She Said: I Lost All My Money and Started Over at 48

    For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women like content, click here