Felix* (45) thought he had it all — a stable marriage, a long-awaited child, and a future to look forward to. Until he discovered his wife lied about her genotype. That lie would change everything, including the fate of their only child.
Years after his divorce, the grief that broke his marriage hasn’t left him. He opens up about the loss that changed everything, why he no longer believes in romantic love, and his determination to become a father again.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’m divorced and single. Leaving my marriage was a choice I made. After what happened, I knew there was no going back.
What exactly happened?
Sandra*, my ex-wife, played an unforgivable role in our son’s demise through a series of lies and reckless decisions. She ruined my life in a way I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from.
We met in 2009 at UniAbuja during my master’s programme. One day, while submitting my dissertation at my supervisor’s office, I met Sandra. She explained she was his niece and in her final year. We exchanged contacts to stay in touch about when he’d be available, but I found her attractive. Our relationship progressed quicker than I’d anticipated. She spent time at my place and we eventually moved in. Marriage felt like the natural next step. We did church counselling and got married in 2011.
The beginning was rough because we struggled with fertility. Doctors diagnosed me with low sperm count, so we went through three rounds of IVF before we conceived. When Joshua* came into our lives in 2015, it felt like everything finally aligned.
He brought us so much joy. But shortly after his birth, he started falling sick frequently. I worked at a bank and wasn’t always home. Sandra would downplay how ill he was whenever I asked. I noticed his feet swelling once and pressed for answers, but she insisted everything was fine. One day, when he was about three, his daycare called because they couldn’t reach Sandra. Joshua had collapsed.
That was when I found out he had sickle cell. It had been recorded in his medical file for almost two years, yet I had no idea. I didn’t believe it at first. I was AS, and I made that clear while we were dating and during our church medical tests. Sandra told me she was AA, and even her lab results showed that, so there was no cause for alarm. I realised my wife had lied about her genotype. When I confronted her, she claimed she only discovered after Joshua’s diagnosis. But my family kept pressing her until she confessed. She had paid a lab attendant to forge her genotype results during our counselling.
How did that revelation affect your marriage?
Everything fell apart. I watched that boy suffer every day of his life. Hospitals became our second home. I resented her, and even now, still don’t know how to forgive her. She risked our child’s life from the start and tried to “make it right” with prayers. I blame myself for letting her. It killed him in the end.
Sandra travelled down with him from Abuja, where we lived, to Lagos for a revival. Shortly after, the COVID-19 lockdown started. They got stuck there, and somehow, he caught the virus and got quarantined. Our son died a few weeks before he turned five. Sandra didn’t tell me until after his death and burial. She didn’t even dare to tell me herself — she sent my sister.
If not for the lockdown, I don’t know what I would have done to her.
That must’ve been devastating.
It was hell. I was alone with my thoughts and kept seeing Joshua in my dreams. I hated myself for not protecting him. When the lockdown ended, I told Sandra to stay away; I was done with the marriage. She tried to weaponise my infertility and even spread rumours that I was the problem. But I couldn’t care less. We finalised our separation in 2021.
Sorry about that. What did love look like after all that?
Dark. I lost my faith in everything — marriage, religion, and even myself. I drank heavily and slept around. It wasn’t healthy, but I didn’t care. That went on for over a year, then in 2022, I met Zainab*.
How did that go?
We met at a club. She stood out to me because she was modestly dressed compared to the other ladies. I kept staring until she offered me her shisha and drinks. Before the night ended, we were in bed together. She told me upfront that she was married and only wanted to have fun.
We started hooking up. It was always in hotels; no personal questions about each other. I liked her honesty, and maybe because she was married, there was no pressure. But over time, I caught feelings. I knew better, though, and never acted on it. Then, eight months in, she disappeared with no explanation. I couldn’t reach her no matter how hard I tried. I didn’t even know her last name. All I knew was that her husband lived abroad and she had kids. It’s been over two years, and I still think about her. Sometimes, I wonder if things could’ve been different if I’d told her how I felt.
Did you try dating after Zainab?
I was still healing from Zainab when I met Joy*. That was around the time I launched my own real estate agency in 2023. She worked for me and was very forward. We started sleeping together not long after. She pushed for a relationship, and while I gave in, I made it clear I wasn’t doing marriage. I told her if a child happened, I’d be fine with it. That turned out to be a big mistake.
Why? What went wrong?
I trusted her too much. Joy started managing the agency while I focused on my banking job. She never got pregnant — I’m sure she stayed on contraceptives the whole time. Then I found out she’d been siphoning funds and used the money to open a bar in Kubwa. One of my staff members exposed her. Of course, that ended things between us immediately.
Sorry about that. Why do you think it’s so hard to find love these days?
People lie. A lot. And from what I’ve seen, they’re always out to take something. Maybe I’m jaded, but I don’t trust anyone anymore. Relationships are mostly transactional, and love is just an excuse.
Is there anything that still gives you hope about dating?
No. I don’t believe in romantic love anymore. It doesn’t exist. People change. Lovers today can become enemies tomorrow. The only real love comes from family. That’s why I tell every woman I meet that I only want a child. If they can’t handle that, I move on.
Wouldn’t that be emotionally complicated? Raising a child with someone you’re not in a relationship with?
Maybe. But I’d rather co-parent than build another relationship based on lies. I considered surrogacy or adoption, but I want my child to have a mother figure. I’m ready to raise a child with someone who understands what we’re both signing up for. Our only bond would be the child.
Do you think becoming a father again will help you heal?
It might. My life feels stuck since Joshua died. What’s the point of everything I’ve achieved? Some days, I sit and imagine what he would’ve looked like now. But I’m not trying to replace him. I just know better now and want a chance to do it right.
I hope it works out. What would you rate the streets out of 10?
4/10. I’ve struggled with feeling worthless since the divorce. I wouldn’t say I’m enjoying the streets, but it feels better than being in a relationship.
*Names have been changed for anonymity
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