Men are often taught that love means showing up, providing, and holding things together without thanks. To maintain the appearance of strength, many learn to suppress their needs, believing that asking makes them look weak.

These Nigerian men share the things they struggle to ask for in their relationships, as well as the emotional cost of constantly being expected to have it all together.

“Performing masculinity can be exhausting and feel isolating” — Deji*, 29

Deji shares his struggle with asking for help and how societal expectations for men contribute to that difficulty.

“Sometimes I wish my partners would press ₦2k into my hand, kiss my cheek and tell me it’s going to be okay. ⁠It’s hard to ask for this sort of thing because you must always come off as being self-assured and in charge, even if you are unsure or afraid. 

If I could ask my partner for something I rarely get, it’s the space to not be a ‘man’. I just want to be my vulnerable self sometimes without worrying about the consequences or how I’m perceived. A lot goes into the performance of masculinity. It would be nice to know I don’t have to perform for my partner as well.”

“I would love to receive more acts of service” — Aniete*, 42

For Aniete, it’s hard to ask for help with the small things in his life. He wishes partners would offer to help him when they can as a show of love.

“I wish more partners would help take little things off my plate. People often underestimate how rare it is for men to receive assistance from others without any strings attached. Often, it feels like if I accept help from someone, they’ll want something in return.

It could be as small as saying, ‘I bought extra fuel for you on the way home. When do you want to pick it up?’ It’s not because I can’t do it for myself, but it feels great to be considered without asking first. I love acts of service, and extending that small assistance can mean the world to me.”

“I would like a safe, guilt-free space to express my emotions” — Denrele*, 27

Denrele shares how he rarely finds a safe space to let loose and be himself. 

“A lot of people don’t know that one of the kindest things you can do for a man is give him a safe space to break down without fear. My former lover and girlfriend was emotionally present and opened her home to me.  She saw me fully and let me be me, and I found that invaluable. Many times, a breakdown for a guy may not be sadness or tears; it could be rage or dissatisfaction. I want to be allowed to be angry and express my grief without being told, ‘Is it not too much?’

Most men are socialised to keep their feelings on a tight leash. It’s not as if we’re allowed to express them at all, but rather that there are few socially accepted ways to do so. We’ll rarely ask, but if you give us that space, you’re showing us a kindness we don’t commonly encounter.”

“I wish more people were considerate of the men in their lives” — Bolaji*, 24

Bolaji believes that consideration has become rare on the dating scene, with people being more obsessed with what they can receive, rather than what they can do to support their partner.

“I’ve found that both men and women can be very selfish in relationships. But I think men struggle to ask for consideration. For instance, if something unpleasant happens to me, people will look and say, ‘He’s a man, he can handle it. ’ I don’t think it’s fair, but most men will take it on the chin without saying a word.

Personally, I think partners need to be considerate, especially when it comes to financial matters. I keep meeting people who say things like ’my money is my money, and your money is our money’. It saddens me and makes me feel like I’m under a lot of pressure. Especially in today’s economy, where people are finding it hard to make ends meet, a little consideration and support would go a long way.”

“I won’t ask, but I crave companionship” — Joshua*,26 

Joshua believes that people should extend more companionship and grace to men.

“I think many people don’t often extend the grace of companionship to men. People say they want a man who doesn’t talk too much, provides for them, works hard all the time, pays for all the dates, and never asks for anything in return. In reality, being that person is exhausting. 

I, too, would like to be surprised by little gifts and exciting dates. The responsibility shouldn’t be for me alone to carry. I want someone who’ll stand by me and support me the way I support her.

If I could ask my partner for something right now, it would be for help to change my car. I won’t do it because people don’t think employed people, especially men, need any assistance. So I’ve parked my car until I come up with a solution on my own.”

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