After Tobi (25)* fell hard for his best friend of 14 years, their simple friendship stretched into years of quiet longing, jealousy, and eventually, heartbreak. He opens up about falling for his closest friend, how it affected his other relationships, and how it cost him both the romance he wanted and the friendship he cherished.
What’s your relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’m currently single. I’ve spent several years secretly in love with my closest friend, but I’m finally learning to accept that it may never lead anywhere.
Oh. How did things get to this point?
I’ve known Mimi* for as long as I can remember, but our friendship started in 2011. We attended the same church, and that year, our families grew close. We both went to the same boarding school in Osun, and our parents took turns picking us up for holidays. We soon became fond of each other.
From the beginning, Mimi was the charismatic one. She was smart, beautiful, and popular. I was the quiet, awkward boy who mostly kept to himself. I got bullied sometimes, but Mimi always stood up for me. She never acted like she was too cool for me, even when surrounded by people who were.
Through secondary school, she dated the popular boys while I watched from the sidelines. I started liking her toward the end of school. At first, I thought it was a minor crush that would fade, but it didn’t.
We graduated in 2017, and I started thinking about confessing my feelings. But before I could, she pushed me to chase Ann*, another girl from our church who was going to the same university I’d applied to. I figured dating someone else would help me move on. Ann and I got into a relationship later that year.
How did the relationship go?
It was good at first. We already knew each other from church, so everything flowed easily.. We did everything together, and for a while, I my feelings for Mimi.
Ann and I dated for almost three years. We had our small disagreements over the friends she kept, but overall, we were good together. It was my first real relationship, and I held on tightly.
Things changed when she got a scholarship to study in the Netherlands. She’d always planned to leave because our university offered her a course she didn’t like.
When she finally left travelled at the end of 2019, we promised to keep things going. But almost immediately, we drifted apart. One day, she just stopped responding and ghosted me. I haven’t heard from her since.
That must’ve been tough.
It hurt badly. The pandemic came soon after, and being isolated made it worse. I was in my third year and just sank into depression.
During that period, Mimi and I reconnected. She’d just gotten out of a relationship, and we started spending more time together. We’d hang out on Sundays after church and talk for hours. Slowly, all the feelings I thought I’d buried came rushing back.
I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure if it was a rebound or if I still genuinely liked her. Still, I started dropping hints. I’d send reels and stories about people falling for their best friends and ask what she thought. She always laughed them off.
Then at the start of 2021, she got into another relationship.
Shoot. How did that make you feel?
When she first told me about him, I smiled and said I was happy for her, but inside, it felt like someone had punched me. I tried to pull away, but it was hard because we’d grown so close.
Idris*, her boyfriend, was older and already working. He had money, and I felt jealous but uneasy — something about him didn’t sit right with me.
As their relationship progressed, it became clear he wasn’t good for her. He was manipulative and always promised to change after every fight or cheating incident. She’d call me crying, but refused to leave because she believed he’d change.
I didn’t judge her. I just listened because I didn’t want her to stop confiding in me. I liked that I was always the first person she ran to with her issues and that I knew more about her than Idris ever could.
In 2022, she called one night, crying because Idris insulted her for checking his phone. I was watching a match, but rushed to her apartment. She cried until she fell asleep on my shoulder. That night, I don’t know what possessed me, but I took her phone and texted her boyfriend, pretending to be her. I told him to end the relationship, and I deleted the conversation.
It was silly to think they wouldn’t find out. They talked about it the next day and realised I was the culprit. She was furious and said I’d crossed a line. I felt terrible and embarrassed because I realised I’d let my emotions control me. She eventually forgave me, but her boyfriend didn’t. He made it a talking point in their relationship and fought her about our closeness, but Mimi refused to cut me off. That intensified my hope that she felt something for me, too.
Unfortunately, by 2023, she started pulling back, probably to protect her relationship. At that point, I was tired of the mixed signals and told myself I had to move on. I joined Bumble, partly as a joke and partly as a distraction. That was where I met Mercy.
Did you find better luck with her?
We matched in July 2023, just a few weeks after I joined Bumble. She was bubbly, funny, and very confident. I was fascinated by her energy.
But honestly, I was still stuck on Mimi. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I compared everything Mercy did to her, even subconsciously. For instance, I became critical about how Mercy dressed until she called me out on it.
After about seven months in a talking stage, she asked if I wanted something serious. I couldn’t give her a clear answer. I was scared to commit in case Mimi ever came around. Mercy got tired of waiting and ended things in January 2024.
I tried to go back a few weeks later, but it was too late. She’d moved on. I don’t blame her.
Curious. What was happening with Mimi at this time?
Mimi was still with Idris. But by May 2024, he called things off. She was devastated and turned to me again.
We were both working in Lagos, and she sometimes came over to my place to clear her head. My feelings for her kept growing, but I didn’t confess them immediately. I thought if I gave it some time, she would finally see me differently now that she was single.
Did you ever tell her how you felt?
I did. Around November last year, when she finally seemed over Idris. I texted her because I was too nervous to say it in person. I told her how much I appreciated her, how it would be nice to end up with someone who truly knew me, and then confessed that I’d loved her for years.
She said she needed time to process it. When she didn’t respond the next day, I went to her house. That was when she told me she’d never really thought of me that way and was still healing from her breakup. It wasn’t an outright rejection, so I held on to hope.
But after that conversation, everything changed. Our chats became awkward. She’d change the topic whenever I brought up my feelings, and eventually started avoiding me. I panicked at the thought of losing our friendship, so I took everything back and begged her to forget I’d said anything.
She insisted nothing was wrong, that she didn’t want me to be a rebound, which was why she hadn’t given me a definite response. I believed her since we still texted and kept our Snapchat streaks, even if it wasn’t as frequent.
But in January, a friend from church mentioned she had gone on a date with someone else.
That must’ve stung.
It did. I was shocked and angry. I texted her immediately, and she admitted it. She said she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want things to get awkward. That hurt even more. We’d gone from sharing every detail of our lives to her blocking me on her stories so I wouldn’t see she was on a date.
I was furious and lashed out at her, but she said she’d started to notice I was becoming too attached and obsessed with her. That made me even angrier. Then she said she needed space, and we shouldn’t talk for a while.
Hmmm.
I couldn’t sleep for days. For months, I felt too depressed to work or interact with anyone who reminded me of her. A friend eventually advised me to leave Lagos for a while, so I requested a transfer to my company’s Ibadan branch in March.
The distance helped. Mimi later apologised for how she handled the issue, and now we talk occasionally, but only when necessary. She’s still with that same guy, which just confirms that any romantic hope I had is gone.
I’ve gone through every stage of grief over her. I’ve muted her, deleted her snaps, and finally accepted things for what they are.
Fair enough. Do you think you’re over her now?
Not completely, but I’m getting there. I’ve realised that maybe it wasn’t love, but attachment and obsession, just like she said. I built my entire emotional life around her, so letting go hasn’t been easy. I’m taking my healing slowly and trying to rediscover who I am outside of her.
After everything, how would you say these experiences have shaped your idea of love and relationships?
I’ve learned that if you feel a certain way about someone, just say it. Communicate and have mature conversations about your feelings. It helps you move on faster, even if things don’t go your way.
If I’d told Mimi earlier and she’d turned me down, maybe I would’ve moved on years ago. It still hurts that our friendship is strained, and I take responsibility for that.
Sometimes I think about Mercy and how things could’ve been different if I hadn’t held on to what wasn’t tangible. It was like leaving what I had for something that was never mine. Hiding my feelings out of fear only delayed the heartbreak and made me lose on all sides.
How are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.
7/10. At least I’m no longer stuck waiting on someone who doesn’t feel the same. It’s a painful, but freeing reality.
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