On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages, to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.
For Peter* (49), relationships have been a journey of highs and crushing lows. He opens up about betrayal, the challenges of raising children under difficult circumstances, and the hard lessons from two divorces that have reshaped his views on love and trust.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’m currently single after two divorces. It’s not what I planned, but that’s where life has brought me. I’ve accepted that love may not be for everybody. I focus on my children now, that’s what matters most to me.
That’s tough. Let’s start from the beginning. How did you meet your first wife?
I’d lived with my uncle for almost 10 years in the city before I returned to my hometown around 2005. That’s when I met Sandra. Before her, I’d had a few relationships, but nothing serious. She was popular in the community, and we soon started talking about marriage.
A few months into courting her, she told me she was pregnant. I was 29. Even though it was sooner than I planned, I went to her family, paid the bride price, and we had a traditional wedding. We moved to the city just before her pregnancy began to show.
At first, our marriage was good. I ran a business centre and she had a small provisions store. Soon, we had our first child, then two more in quick succession. But each child added pressure. Our income barely covered the family, and even sending the kids to government schools was a struggle. Sandra kept complaining and comparing us to others, which made things even harder.
That must have been stressful.
We started fighting all the time. She grew distant and kept friends I didn’t approve of — women who constantly badmouthed their husbands. One time, she even embarrassed me at a hometown meeting, insulting me in front of everyone.
Then, in 2013, came the biggest shock of my life. I noticed she guarded her phone too much. One day, I tried using it to call my mum, and she snatched it away. My curiosity got the better of me, and when I eventually went through it, I saw messages to an unknown number. She was threatening a man, saying she would expose him if he didn’t send money for his child.
I confronted her, and she initially denied everything. But when I threatened to involve our families, she admitted our first child — the very reason I married her — wasn’t mine. He belonged to Festus*, the man she’d been with just before we met.
I was shocked and asked her to leave my house so I could think. Instead of apologising, she said she was tired of suffering with me, packed her things, and left for our hometown. I had to keep our other two children with my mother.
Even now, that’s one of the most painful experiences of my life.
I’m sorry. How did you move on from that?
I was shattered. I felt like a failure as a man and a husband. For a while, I drowned myself in drinking and self-pity. But I still believed I could find someone else who would treat me differently. That hope is what made me open up again when I met my second wife, Patience*.
Tell me about Patience
I met her in 2017 while she was doing NYSC. She often came to my business centre near the local government office to print documents. We got talking, and I told her everything about my past and children. She was kind and sympathetic, so I believed she wouldn’t betray me like Sandra did. We dated for a year and got married in 2018.
What was that marriage like?
At first, it was good, but the problems started soon enough. Patience was younger and harder to handle.
In what ways?
She was rude, and her mother had far too much control over her. If I said one thing and her mother said another, she would always follow her mother.
When she gave birth to our daughter in 2019, her mother came to stay with us. I still had baby items from my older children in good condition, so I suggested we use them instead of wasting money on new ones. Her mother threw everything away. She said it was her daughter’s first child and she wouldn’t accept hand-me-downs.
The woman also pressured me to buy expensive things, including wrappers for Patience that cost over ₦200k at the time. No matter what I did, she complained and pushed until I gave in. Meanwhile, I was supporting Patience, the baby, and catering to my older children in secondary school. Unlike Sandra, who at least assisted financially, Patience didn’t work. She stayed home and was more demanding.
She also never really embraced my older children. She didn’t ask them to visit or try to build a relationship. That hurt me. I married her expecting at least some empathy, but I didn’t get it.
So, what led you to end the marriage?
The turning point came after our daughter turned one. Patience suddenly insisted she wanted another child. I knew I couldn’t handle it — not financially, not emotionally. She pressured me to stop using protection, so I stopped sleeping with her altogether and started coming home late to avoid her nagging.
For almost three years, we barely had any intimacy. She accused me of being wicked for denying her more children. Her mother constantly insulted me and made everything worse.
One day in April 2022, I returned from work to find that Patience had taken our daughter and gone back to her parents’ house.
I tried everything, but all pleas fell on deaf ears. After chasing her for almost four months without success, I asked myself if it was even worth it. The marriage had been hell. When I officially filed for divorce, she suddenly wanted to mend the relationship, but my mind was made up. After five years together, the marriage ended. I’ve been single ever since.
I’m curious. How have these experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?
They’ve shown me marriage isn’t for everybody. I tried twice and it didn’t work. I know that relationships can be beautiful, based on what I’ve seen around me, but I’d rather focus on my children and my finances. I don’t regret how things ended because none of it was my fault. If I ever date again, I wouldn’t take it up to the point of marriage. I need to protect my peace of mind.
Fair enough. How would you say the streets are treating you? Rate it on a scale of 1-10
9/10. Being single gives me freedom. Apart from the occasional loneliness, it’s nice knowing I can spend or save how I want and live on my terms.
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