From the “you get pregnant if you touch boys” warnings in childhood to the hush-hush whispers about “keeping pure,” many Nigerians grew up associating sex with fear, guilt, or sin. But what happens when those beliefs follow us into adulthood and shape how we see our bodies, navigate relationships, and relate to others as adults?
We spoke to Dr. Pamela Udoka, a clinical psychologist, licensed sex therapist, and author of The Pleasure Manual, who’s on a mission to change how Nigerians think and talk about intimacy. She shared insights on where sexual shame begins and what it takes to unlearn it.
Let’s start from the root cause. Where do you think our sexual shame as Nigerians comes from?
The way our society paints it to be. Many of us grew up hearing that sex is “bad” or “evil,” but nobody ever explained the context, which is when it’s abused. Instead of being taught that sex is a natural gift that comes with responsibility, we were taught to associate it with guilt.
Saying sex is bad without context only creates curiosity without understanding. Instead, we should tell the truth: sex is wonderful, but when it’s abused or done without adequate protection, it can lead to consequences like pregnancy, and pregnancy comes with emotional, financial, and physical responsibilities. When explained that way from childhood, it removes the element of shame and helps young people make informed choices.
Contrary to what society believes, sex education doesn’t corrupt people; it prepares them. When young people understand what’s at stake, they’re more likely to make decisions they can live with. The problem is that when they don’t get this information at home, they go searching elsewhere, through Google, pornography, or peers who are just as uninformed. That’s how misinformation spreads, and it’s why we now have generations of adults who are ashamed and misinformed.
And what happens when that shame follows people into adulthood and relationships?
It shows up as fear, silence, and even physical pain.
I see couples who can’t enjoy sex because their minds are closed off. Some women were taught that “good girls” shouldn’t desire sex, so even as adults, that guilt lingers. For men, shame often appears as pressure to perform and the belief that masculinity depends on sexual performance. When something goes wrong, like premature ejaculation, they see it as failure instead of something that can be understood and managed with help.
Shame kills communication. When couples can’t talk about sex, everything else in the relationship begins to suffer.
Why is open communication about sex so hard, especially for couples?
People often enter relationships without understanding how important sexual compatibility is. I encourage couples to create a sexual history chart before their relationship, asking questions like: How did you first learn about sex? What was your first experience like? What do you actually understand sex to be? What are your desires or boundaries?
Those conversations matter whether or not you’re sexually active. They reveal so much about a person’s expectations, fears, and triggers. When you understand your partner’s history, you stop making assumptions that could destroy the relationship.
That’s such a good point. But how can couples already in their relationships talk about sexual dissatisfaction without hurting each other?
You can be honest without being harsh. Instead of saying, “You don’t satisfy me,” try saying, “I’m bringing this up because I want to feel closer to you.”
It’s also important to create emotional safety outside the bedroom. Some people carry trauma or painful first experiences, or they’re dealing with health issues that make sex difficult. They often fear that if they open up, their partner will mock or reject them. Healing doesn’t happen only in therapy; it happens in daily interactions where your partner feels loved and safe.
If someone trusts you enough to share their pain, handle it gently. That’s how intimacy grows.
You’ve been married for 35 years. How do couples keep intimacy alive through life changes like childbirth, ageing, menopause, and so on?
Bodies change, hormones shift, and energy levels fluctuate, but that doesn’t mean pleasure disappears. Sometimes, a simple cuddle or gentle touch is enough to spark a connection. Other times, couples just need to talk about how their needs have changed and how to adjust together.
The key is curiosity. Keep learning from each other. When partners genuinely enjoy giving and receiving pleasure, they’ll always find ways to stay connected.
And remember that intimacy isn’t only about sex. It’s also about emotional connection. When intimacy is tied only to intercourse, it starts to feel like a chore. Learn to build desire long before sex itself, through communication, kindness, affection, and even hygiene.
You mentioned hygiene. How does that fit into intimacy and sexual connection?
Hygiene might seem basic, but it’s a huge part of attraction and confidence. Taking care of your body, paying attention to cleanliness, and making sure you smell fresh are not small things. They influence how you feel about yourself and how your partner feels about you.
Cleanliness is an act of self-love before it becomes an act of love toward another person. When you take care of your body, you communicate respect for yourself and for your partner. It’s one of those simple but powerful ways to maintain intimacy and comfort in a relationship.
Finally, for anyone who’s trying to unlearn sexual shame, where should they start?
Start by giving yourself permission to be curious. Ask questions, read books, and attend workshops. If you feel pain or anxiety around sex, don’t self-diagnose or hide it; talk to a professional. And remember, your body isn’t your enemy. The more you understand it, the freer you become.
That’s why I wrote The Pleasure Manual. Over my years as a therapist, I realised that many adults struggle in their relationships because they lack a basic understanding of their own bodies. This book isn’t just about sex; it’s a gentle guide for anyone who wants to reconnect with themselves, unlearn harmful myths, and rediscover pleasure as something natural and necessary.
To learn more about sexual intimacy, you can purchase a soft copy of The Pleasure Manual at selar.com. Physical copies of The Pleasure Manual are also available at Rovingheights Bookstores and Bookplaze Bookstores. To attend the physical book reading for free, sign up here
Her Beyond Intercourse Academy (BIA) is a comprehensive 18-module video course that combines science-backed education with practical guidance, using visual models to address both the physical and emotional aspects of sexuality. You can access it online here.
