Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Babatunde’s*(57) girlfriend dumped him in 1998 because her parents had reservations about his originating state. 27 years and a whole life later, she wants them to give their love another chance.
In this story, Babatunde* shares how they met, the fallout from their split, and whether he’s willing to give a former flame a new beginning.
Let’s start at the very beginning. Where did you two meet?
I met Yewande* during our pre-degree program at the Lagos State University in 1989. I liked her a lot, but she didn’t share my affection. I don’t even think she noticed me until the end of our 100 level.
What about you eventually caught her eye?
We were classmates studying mathematics, and I made an excellent result in my first year. So, I became the popular classmate who organised tutorials, explainers, and the like. One day, she came to my living space off campus for one of my tutorials, and we hit it off. We started dating officially in 1990.
What was your relationship with Yewande like?
It was lovely while it lasted; we were really into each other. Each time she came to school for the semester, she would bring foodstuff for me— rice, beans, tinned food, you name it. I remember that in 1995, after we had survived all the strikes and finished our degree, we were deployed for our NYSC program almost immediately. She was posted to Bauchi while I was posted to Owerri. So I joined her on her trip and followed her to her camp in Bauchi to ensure she got there safely and settled in properly before travelling to Owerri to begin my service year.
Wow, romance is real o. What could possibly have come between you guys?
By 1998, we had finished our NYSC and were working decent jobs. I got a placement in an oil company in Port Harcourt while she was doing well as a teacher in Lagos. We had started to talk about marriage and settling down.
The issue began when her parents asked where I was from. I’m an Egba man, and her dad didn’t want his daughter to marry an Egba man. I was confused because Yewande is from Abeokuta, and both tribes are from Ogun state, but her father was against our union.
At the same time, her mum was against the relationship because I’m a muslim. I guess the pressure from both parents was too much for her to push back against, but that wasn’t the only factor.
What other factor caused the split?
She started dating someone else! At first, she came to me on one of my visits to Lagos and said a guy had given her a pamphlet to help her join an institute and become a professional PR person. I loved that she was exploring careers and supported her decision. On my next visit, she claimed the guy had forced himself on her. At first, I was livid but as I kept trying to get information on what happened, her story didn’t add up. I tried to talk to her brother about it so we could take the appropriate next steps, and that’s when he confided in me that they had been seeing each other for some time.
Oh wow. Did you confront her about it?
No. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. She became very scarce each time I tried to visit. If I were in Lagos, she would suddenly be very busy, or a family emergency needed her attention. After a few months, I heard that she got married, and that was the end of the relationship for me.
Enjoying this article? You should also read: My Dad Kept Me Away From My Mum Until I Was 15
Whoa. That must have hurt.
It was awful. People at my job noticed how depressed and withdrawn I became and started trying to match me with people, but I couldn’t connect with anyone for a while. But I met my wife in 1999, and we got married in December. I moved on with my life after that until 2007, when Yewande contacted me out of the blue.
Interesting. Were you surprised?
I was shocked. She had gotten my number from a mutual friend and asked to meet in person. We both lived in Lagos at that point, so it was easy to meet up. She wanted my assistance because her mum was ill. I was happy to help as much as possible, and we remained cordial after that, talking occasionally.I can say we are are friends. Then she called me two years ago to meet up again.
What did you guys talk about?
Our past relationship. She said she wanted to apologise for how we broke up and begged my forgiveness. She also said I should pray for her, which shocked me. I assured her that time had healed the wound and that I had already forgiven her. Shortly after this meeting, her husband, who moved to Norway early in their marriage and never came back, passed away.
Did you reach out to her after her husband died?
Yes, I called to commiserate with her. After a while, she called me more often, but I missed many. Then one day, her daughter reached out to me, saying I should please talk to her mother because she wasn’t in a good place mentally. Of course, I called her immediately to make sure she was doing okay. On that call, she talked about her struggles and mentioned that before her brother died, he always said that we would get back together again, but I shrugged it off.
Unfortunately, my wife passed away last year. Yewande learned from a mutual friend and ramped up her communication with me. She started sending lovey-dovey messages and asking to meet up again. She also sent messages saying she wants to repair the harm she had done.
Did you agree to meet her?
After a good deal of thought, yes. We met at a bar and talked a little, and after giving me several promises about taking care of me, I realised I couldn’t go through with it.
Though I have truly forgiven her, I don’t think I can ever completely trust her after she betrayed me at the end of our relationship. I know her parents put her under a lot of pressure, but I felt like she would have handled it differently if she cared about me. I let her know this as kindly as possible, and we parted ways as friends.
Do you think anything would make you consider reconciling with Yewande?
No, I don’t see myself being with someone I can’t trust, especially at my age.
If you want to share your own Sunken Ships story, fill this form.
