Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old woman who was having sex very actively before marriage. She’s been married for a year and has not had sex with her husband since their wedding. She thinks he might be gay.
What was your first sexual experience?
So when I was younger, I had a “how are babies made?” phase. I assumed that when people got married, they just had to lie down on the bed together and they’d get pregnant. Then when I was about 7, I saw my mother and father doing it. Instead of leaving immediately, I watched for a split second before my mother noticed me. Then I ran out.
Wow. Did they talk to you about it?
Talk fire. We all just pretended like it didn’t happen. In hindsight, I think things were a little awkward after, but back then, I didn’t notice and no one came to talk to me. Guess what happened nine months later?
You had a new sibling?
Yup. I just put two and two together and I was like wow.
Haha. You finally knew how babies were made.
Yeah, but I think something about seeing my dad on top of my mum scarred me. I didn’t know the word for sex, but I said I was never getting married because I believed you had to be married to do what my father was doing to my mother.
Did that decision change along the way?
I don’t know how it happened, but by the time I was 8, I was fantasizing about marrying some of my classmates. I guess it’s because my mum used to cater to a lot of weddings and I used to go with her.
I planned weddings with different classmates in my head. When I was 10, I had a ‘school husband’ — we acted the school play together and people started calling us husband and wife. Then one day, we were alone at the back of the school and started kissing, mimicking things we had seen in movies. This happened after school hours though and it became routine.
Were you guys ever caught?
Luckily, no. But just doing that and being able to do that and not get caught released a monster in me.
Lmao. What do you mean?
I went to a mixed boarding school for secondary school and it was quite small. All that separated the male and female hostel was a small yard — it was in the same building. I realised I had a lot of freedom, which is wild considering the fact that my parents sent me to boarding school to curtail my freedom.
Why did they want to do that?
There was a time before secondary school that I stumbled into a porn ad on our home computer. After seeing it, I got very curious and started looking for porn. I was not able to watch any because the sites kept asking me to set up an account and pay money in dollars, which I didn’t have. I gave up. A few weeks later, my mother was using the laptop for something. She must have gone through the search history and seen it. All hell was let loose.
It couldn’t have been someone else?
Nope. I was the only child old enough to do that. Then another time, she sent me to do something and some secondary school guys on my street stopped me to talk to me. I don’t know if they thought I was old enough, but they were trying to get my phone number and I didn’t even have a phone. Basically, they were harassing me. They didn’t let me pass. A neighbour saw and went to tell my mum I was talking to boys. Even more hell was let loose. And that was all my mum needed to know she was going to send me to a boarding school.
So what was freedom like there?
Hahaha. By the first week, everyone thought I was a slut because I was talking to boys a lot. Since they thought I was a slut, I decided to run with it — I kissed the first boy that was interested in me. From then on, I was kissing everyone and anyone. Every day after lights out, I’d sneak out of my room and make out with a new boy. It was fun. The thrill for me wasn’t even in the making out or in the oral sex, it was in hiding from the prefects and hostel mistresses and almost getting caught. It was in running with the slut title and knowing that all the girls wanted to be like me but would never admit it.
Did you ever have sex?
Yes. A LOT. But that started in senior school when I felt I was finally ready. I did it with one of my regulars. It was a rubbish experience. Shocking because he had said he was very experienced.
How many people would you say you had sex with in secondary school?
I had sex with about 15 boys, but I’m pretty sure I made out with a lot more. I wasn’t counting.
What happened when you got to university?
In my first year, the sex became better. I had a list of people I wanted to sleep with in my faculty and I slept with 20 of them in my first semester. I actually had a list from a couple of other faculties too. I also tried exploring my sexuality and learned I’m very straight. All of this was short lived because I met my husband in my third year of uni — he wasn’t a university student though.
Now that you’re married, what’s your sex life like?
Not that great. When my husband and I were dating, it was a lot better. He wasn’t very experienced at first, so I had to teach him everything, from how to touch me to the right hole. He was very open to learning and trying all kinds of things. We got married immediately after I finished university. But now, it’s different. We haven’t had sex since our wedding.
I’m not even joking. It’s confusing that this is my life and sometimes I wonder if I could be dreaming. We’ve been married for about a year and since then, he hasn’t touched me. We have made out, but every time I try to bring up sex, there’s always an excuse. I didn’t mind at first. I even infused aphrodisiacs into our meals, but still nothing. I tried to have the conversation with him and it didn’t lead anywhere. I’ve actually never told anyone this, because it shames me.
Wow. I’m so sorry. Do you think that maybe he’s asexual?
I know he’s not because only a few months ago, I found out he slept with someone else — a man.
I don’t know if it was a one-off thing, but I happened to be snooping around his phone and I saw it. It was wild, but I couldn’t bring myself to accost him.
Does that make you question his sexuality?
Yes. At first I wondered if he was gay. We didn’t have the sexuality conversation before we got married because it didn’t matter. There are no ‘signs’ that he is gay. I’ve spent an insane amount of time googling ‘how do I know if my partner is gay’.
I cannot deny the chemistry in the sex we had before we got married TBH. It was there. But sometimes, I wonder, what if I imagined it? What if he is gay or asexual or bisexual? I can’t wrap my head around the fact that whatever it is, he won’t talk to me about it.
I’m sorry about that. Are you going to do something about it?
Right now, no. I’ve done a lot of talking and nagging. But right now, I think I need to just give him space. Honestly, I can’t see myself leaving him – I mean, I love him. Some part of me is like, you want to leave him just because of sex. I believe we can work through it — I just need to give him time.
But it’s not just sex, he cheated…
And people make mistakes. Look, before I got married, I was one of those people who often said I would never stay with a man who cheats, but it’s a lot more complicated than that. I love him and I know he loves me too. Besides what do I tell my parents? And my friends who look up to us as a couple? It’s a lot to wrap my head around and I’m still trying to figure out what the next best thing to do is.
I understand. Right now, do you do anything to give yourself pleasure?
I masturbate a lot. Like four times a day. Haha. It’s worse now during the coronavirus lockdown. I masturbate while showering, while watching movies, before sleeping, etc. It just helps get my mind off the coronavirus anxiety and other things like my sex life.
Speaking of Coronavirus lockdown, how are you managing that with your husband?
It’s actually not been bad. I am hoping that maybe this is when we can kick off our sex life again. We cook together and watch movies together. We even work out together. We actually do a lot of things together. Not just sex.
What about making out?
Super rare. Maybe a forehead kiss here, a peck there, but nothing that can actually lead to sex or oral sex.
How would you rate your sex life?
Lol. I don’t know how to answer that.