Sex Life: Expressing My Sexuality In A Homophobic Community

December 14, 2019

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


Today’s subject is a 24-year-old bisexual Muslim woman. She takes us from Paris to Lagos and Abuja, through her search for girls in a homophobic community and her experiences with boys who refuse to follow instructions.

When did you first get curious about sex?

The first memory that comes to mind right now is when I pecked a boy in nursery school. I also remember kissing my cousins when I was about six. They were both girls.

What do you think sparked your curiosity?

I mean, we lived in Paris at the time and it’s not a conservative society. I remember when I pecked the boy, it was in front of my nursery two class. The teacher was there and it wasn’t a big deal. 

Things changed when we returned to Nigeria. This was just before I turned seven. I’m Hausa and Muslim, and while my family isn’t that conservative, we never spoke about sex.

So, when did you have sex for the first time?

For some context, I was molested for about 10 years. I think it started when I was in JSS 1. That’s pretty much how I got exposed to sex. And it was by a family member; it was touching, dry humping, head. He raped me once when I was much older.

I’m sorry you had to go through that. How did this affect your approach to sex?

It pushed me into sex much earlier. It also made me feel like I always had to perform and be very good at it all the time.

How do you mean?

Sex was the one thing I had been told I was good at. It made me ignore how I felt about it at the moment and whether I even wanted to do it all.

Do you think that maybe the family dynamic enabled the situation?

I think the family dynamic definitely enabled it. I would even say it encouraged it because when I did speak up, nothing was done. In fact, I still feel anger at my mother. This man was openly abusive and people would still be kikiki-ing with him. 

He was in his 20s, and I remember him smacking my 10-year-old sister’s bum in front of everyone. No one ever said anything. When I came out with my story, my brother said he always suspected the man was doing it, but he didn’t do anything. 

That’s awful. Then how did your family approach the topic of sex?

My mother didn’t have the “talk” with me until my third year of uni, and her focus was my dressing. She always said that I showed too much cleavage, but I have good tits and they’re all just jealous of it. 

She told me to cover up so men wouldn’t see me and want to touch me. Then she went on to talk about sex without actually talking about it. You know how they do it — shout out to Hausa people. Then I realised she wasn’t even speaking from a religious angle, and I just lost interest.

Wait. She wasn’t even coming from a religious place?

Nope. She also spoke about my brother, who was around my age, and she said that if it was him, it would be okay because he’s a man and he can get away with these things. 

But it was already too late. I even had a dick appointment that day, so when she finished I went to get that dick.

Lmao. So when did you begin enjoying sex?

The first time it was good was with a friend, let’s call him Friend A. I lied that I hadn’t done it before. We were messing around and then one thing led to another and something entered somewhere. It felt good. 

We kept it lowkey for a while because we had a group of friends and we didn’t want people to know. Eventually, he got a girlfriend, but that didn’t really stop us. Then I got a boyfriend, but we were still hooking up because my boyfriend wasn’t as great. 

My boyfriend and I didn’t really know ourselves. That’s when I realised that communication is better than experience. No matter how many people you’ve been with before, you always have to be willing to learn, but these men don’t like to take instructions. 

How so?

You’ll tell them to “go left” and they’ll go right and say, “I know what I’m doing”. But women listen. I had a boyfriend for about three years, but I always knew I wasn’t completely straight. I was always more attracted to girls. So, I eventually got with Friend A’s babe.

Woah. Did he know about it?

Eventually. I just sent a text to her one day with the idea; she was already feeling me, so that was easy. Then he found out and the relationship got rocky, but that didn’t stop us. It continued until I came back to Nigeria.

Nothing could stop you, except Nigeria.

Oh, I just remembered I skipped something. When I was about to finish primary school, we had a road trip and I sat beside this girl. I don’t know how it started but she put my hand in her underwear and I started playing with it — I didn’t really know what I was doing. 

When we got to the hotel, a lot of things happened. We were three in the room together. We all showered together and dry humped each other. So there were little experiences with girls before Friend A’s babe.

But yeah, when I moved back to Nigeria, I had to break up with my boyfriend and friends with benefits. I thought it was a dark day, but as soon as I got back, I managed to find someone — one of those men who don’t listen to instructions. That was in January. Since then, it’s been maybe five guys and about three girls.

How do you meet them?

With guys, it’s easy because men usually always want sex. I typically meet them through mutual friends. With girls, it’s trickier because you don’t know who swings your way. I’m in Abuja now and it’s way more homophobic than Lagos. I mean it’s bad enough for people to know you’re having sex, then you now want to add being queer.

The first girl this year was one of my best friends — we basically grew up together. Over the past few months, I just noticed she was looking hotter and it just happened. With the second babe, we weren’t that close, we only met recently. She came over, we smoked and started watching lesbian porn and that happened. The third girl was a threesome with one of my Abuja guys.

For all of the wild gist we hear about Abuja, isn’t it funny that there’s still so much homophobia?

Humans are inherently hypocritical pieces of shit. I mean, in the North, we use religion to cover it, but the truth is we’ve always had homosexuals and cross-dressers in our culture. When a man acts and dresses like a woman, they call him Yan daudu. They even invite them to weddings to perform. 

And it’s annoying that when you bring up the gay community, they get angry. When it’s two lesbians, however, they like it because they can sexualise it. They see me with a close friend and they start teasing us that we are sleeping with each other. That’s when they think it’s okay to sexualise the relationship.

I feel you. Did you ever have any pregnancy scares or STDs?

I’ve never actually said this to anyone, but this is anonymous so let’s go. I’ve had two scares, one was real. I was on the pill, but I was also already ovulating. The pill is meant to delay ovulation, but yeah, God tested me. I was in Nigeria at the time, staying at my aunt’s place, so it wasn’t convenient at all. 

I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive, so there was only one option. I spoke to the guy responsible, he wasn’t in the city, but his doctor told me to take a pill. That was hard to get because I didn’t have a prescription. Eventually, I had to get the pill from another state, where the guy was. He sent it to me in Abuja and after I took it, I started cramping. The next few days were intense and I was throwing up. I ended up having my period for about two weeks.

Damn. That sounds rough.

Yeah. And I had an STD scare a few years back. It was my fault. I asked him not to use a condom because latex gives me yeast infections sometimes.

A few days later, I started feeling something funky, so I went to get tested. It was chlamydia. And to be honest, neither of us were surprised because — I feel bad saying this but — he used to fuck white girls. Safe to say that I learned my lesson: No rubber, no open legs.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how satisfied are you with sex life?

Maybe a 6.5.

Why?

Because boys don’t listen and girls are hard to find. I have a hundred percent success rate with girls. I always come, and I think it’s because they listen.

Any final words?

People will always tell you shit, so just go out and enjoy your life. Maybe it’s because I don’t believe in soul ties, but just keep exploring and you’ll find someone who listens.

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