Sex Life: Everything Made Sense Once I Realised I’m Demisexual

July 25, 2020

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old heterosexual man who recently discovered he is demisexual — he can only feel sexual attraction to women he has strong emotional bonds with. So far, he’s only found one.

What was your first sexual experience?

I discovered masturbation when I was 15. I used to watch old amateur wrestling tapes that also included models stripping and posing. I would masturbate but never allow myself to climax. In my head, that would have been taking the sin too far. 

I would then run to pray for forgiveness for even watching it and getting turned on in the first place. This started in like 2007. I would do the same thing over and over again, but without actually ever climaxing. 

Damn. When did you eventually allow yourself to climax?

In 2009. After two years of holding myself back, I finally went all the way. It was an eye-opening experience for me. After it happened, I no longer felt shame or remorse. I suddenly didn’t give a fuck about praying for forgiveness.

Why do you think that switch happened?

I think it’s because it felt so good. It also finally clicked that I wasn’t hurting anyone by doing it.

What happened next?

I did a lot of research on masturbation and came across several websites — mostly religious ones — that demonised it. I started getting scared all over again. Then I came across some other sites that reassured me there was nothing wrong with it.

So, it became a frequent occurrence and that’s when I started using porn.

Were you still religious at this point?

After visiting those sites, I started side-eyeing religion. Gradually, I began exploring more atheist spaces online. That’s when I realised that religion is basically fear-mongering and manipulative propaganda that isn’t really based on anything logical.

I guess you could say masturbation eventually led to me becoming an atheist.

LMAO. What else did masturbation do for you?

Well, thanks to all the edging — deliberately stopping or delaying my orgasm — I discovered that I could basically last as long as I wanted. I once managed to go 90 minutes without ejaculating.

This eventually paid off years later, in 2014 to be precise, when my partner said it was strange that I lasted so long for my first time. My pull out game is also flawless because of all the control I learnt. So, yeah, masturbation for the win. 

Tell me about your first time.

It was with the one and only sexual partner I’ve had till date. We met online and talked for about a year. She was the first person I ever really built an emotional connection with. We had done phone sex, sexting and exchanged nudes before meeting in real life.

Prior to meeting her, I hadn’t had any sexual experience with anyone. Not even a kiss. The most I had done was hug. A few women had made passes at me, but I wasn’t interested because I didn’t feel a connection. 

I got called gay a lot. I am conventionally attractive and people couldn’t understand why such a fine young man didn’t have babes all around him. I am also a bit effeminate, so that didn’t help matters. 

Not surprising. How was the sex?

The experience was amazing. I could feel the sexual energy and tension immediately I laid eyes on her. Within an hour, we were already fucking. That’s all we did for the rest of the night. 

The sex was great because we basically had the same fetishes — a lot of role-playing was involved. The fact that we got to discuss our fetishes in-depth before we moved on to the real thing made the entire thing so much better.

Nice. What happened next?

We became a couple and met intermittently after that. It was a long-distance relationship, so we couldn’t meet as often due to school, work and other things. My friends were just happy I’d finally had sex. They wanted me to immediately start fucking other babes. 

How did you feel about that?

I have never had anything against hook-up culture, one-night stands or casual sex, but I realised that the whole idea of having sex just for the sake of it, especially with someone you don’t have a real bond with, wasn’t for me. 

I tried to explain this to my friends, but they didn’t care. They just kept pushing me. For a lot of them, it seemed like they were only having sex so they could run back and tell us about it. They treated it like some sort of ego trip.

Did you know why that bond was so important to you?

I knew how I felt, but I didn’t know there was a term for it. It wasn’t until this year that I discovered I am demisexual. It was my former partner who even told me. She said she’d noticed a while ago and thought I already knew.

Former partner? You aren’t together anymore?

No, we are not. We are still best friends though. We just have a lot of more important things to focus on — from career to education. So, sex and relationships don’t feel as essential at the moment.

Oh ok. So, what exactly is being demisexual like?

Even if I think someone is physically attractive, I still won’t feel any attraction towards them. Like, I’m incapable of sexualising people I don’t know. For me, we have to become very close for that sexual attraction bulb to turn on in my head. 

What else has clicked for you since discovering this identity?

I never made this link before, but I think it explains why incest is my top fetish. Right from time, I read a lot of incest erotica and watched a lot of incest porn. For me, it’s about that bond that exists between family members.

Even if I don’t actually fancy incest in real life — for example, I’m not attracted to my sister at all — I still think that close emotional bond between relatives that could lead to sex is kind of similar to how I’m built.

Oh? Is that the role-playing you and your ex did?

Yeah. Sister and brother was our favourite and most common. We also did uncle and niece, mother and son, daddy and daughter, employer and employee, and cheating husband and mistress. 

Have you tried to foster this bond with anyone else?

To be honest, no. I’m not really at a point in my life where I care about this. I don’t care about the emotional bond and I don’t care about the sex. Trying to form that bond again is a lot of mental effort, and I don’t have the energy right now. . 

I’ve already let go of that toxic ideal that as a man, my value is based on how many women I can sleep with. I prefer quality over quantity, and I’m not going to go on a wild goose chase just because I want to have sex.

Fair. So, when was the last time you did have sex?

I haven’t had sex in like a year now, and I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. There was a period I even went almost 3 years without sex because my ex and I couldn’t find time to meet. 

Would you say you get horny a lot?

I really don’t. I used to only get horny when I was around her. It’s odd because when I was a teenager, I was constantly horny, but I guess that was because of my raging hormones. Since I’ve gotten older, I rarely do. 

So, I’m guessing you don’t masturbate as much anymore?

I don’t. After I had penetrative sex, the urge to masturbate went down a lot. I still watch porn for entertainment though. Like, a lot. Probably every day even. No, it’s not an addiction — at least I don’t think it is. I just enjoy watching it.

Maybe it’s because I only look for porn with storylines and an actual plot. I don’t watch all that hypersexualised nonsense with unnatural positions and zero intimacy. It gets me horny, yes, but I don’t masturbate to gratify the horniness.

How would you describe your relationship with sex as a demisexual man?

I think sex is great. I know what I like and what I want. I know it’s not something I have to indulge in to prove myself to anyone. I do it on my own terms and that’s part of why I really enjoy it whenever it does happen

I can’t say I have ever had a bad sexual experience with her or even a mediocre one. Yes, the sample size is very small, but it still counts. Maybe I need to have more sexual partners, but I won’t lose sleep if I never do. I’ve had a wonderful experience so far.

What would you like your sex life to look like 5 years down the line?

It’s not something I really think about, but I guess I would like it to be active and with someone I really love. The person also has to have the same sexual tastes/sexual energy as me. Someone who doesn’t do role-playing, for example, is a big no for me.

Do the people in your life know you’re demisexual?

I don’t really bother telling anyone because I don’t think they’ll understand. Considering the fact that many people still think I’m gay simply because I don’t randomly hit on women, I doubt demisexuality is something I’ll be able to explain to them.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’ll give it an 8. I’ve basically experienced most — if not all — of my fantasies. I have had these experiences on my own terms and I have enjoyed every moment. The only reason it’s not a 10 is because I’m leaving space for other experiences and fantasies with other potential partners.

I’m hoping those end up being a great addition to my sex life.



Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

NerdEfiko

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

November 4, 2019

After successfully predicting when y’all are getting married (please, email any complaints to noneofourbusiness@nayousabi.com), we are back to tell you how much is currently in your account. How, you might ask? By using your taste in Nollywood, of course. Shhh. No questions. Just take it already:

February 26, 2020

Are you all set for marriage, or are you still figuring it out? Well, if you’re curious to know the answer, then this is the quiz for you. All you have to do is create your own ideal Nollywood wedding film, and we’ll tell you if you’re ready to say “I do”. Go ahead:

October 10, 2019

2019 is certainly Burna Boy’s year, but, if we are being honest, so was 2018. Since his transcendent mixtape, Outside, the afro-fusion star has refused to get his foot of our necks — dropping a string of fantastic singles and then capping it all off with his career-best album, African Giant.  So, in a bid […]

More from Sex Life

August 28, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 21-year-old straight woman who talks about being averse to sex for a long time, discovering that she loved BDSM through her ex and navigating sex with […]

August 14, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 20-year-old bisexual woman who talks about her initial struggle with the shame of masturbation, discovering her kinks and chasing sex fuelled by danger. What was […]

July 17, 2021

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman. She talks about how her first sexual relationship ended in shame because her partner spread gossip about the sex and how her fear of being tagged promiscuous prevented her from having sex with the men in her social circle. What was your first sexual experience? […]

June 9, 2021

Since heaven is the goal, but your body is not firewood, here are some of the best sex positions that won’t ruin your heavenly race. 1) Missionary The people that named this sex position knew what they were doing. It is simple, straight forward and as old as time. People that have sex like this […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X