Sex Life: Everything Made Sense Once I Realised I’m Demisexual

July 25, 2020

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old heterosexual man who recently discovered he is demisexual — he can only feel sexual attraction to women he has strong emotional bonds with. So far, he’s only found one.

What was your first sexual experience?

I discovered masturbation when I was 15. I used to watch old amateur wrestling tapes that also included models stripping and posing. I would masturbate but never allow myself to climax. In my head, that would have been taking the sin too far. 

I would then run to pray for forgiveness for even watching it and getting turned on in the first place. This started in like 2007. I would do the same thing over and over again, but without actually ever climaxing. 

Damn. When did you eventually allow yourself to climax?

In 2009. After two years of holding myself back, I finally went all the way. It was an eye-opening experience for me. After it happened, I no longer felt shame or remorse. I suddenly didn’t give a fuck about praying for forgiveness.

Why do you think that switch happened?

I think it’s because it felt so good. It also finally clicked that I wasn’t hurting anyone by doing it.

What happened next?

I did a lot of research on masturbation and came across several websites — mostly religious ones — that demonised it. I started getting scared all over again. Then I came across some other sites that reassured me there was nothing wrong with it.

So, it became a frequent occurrence and that’s when I started using porn.

Were you still religious at this point?

After visiting those sites, I started side-eyeing religion. Gradually, I began exploring more atheist spaces online. That’s when I realised that religion is basically fear-mongering and manipulative propaganda that isn’t really based on anything logical.

I guess you could say masturbation eventually led to me becoming an atheist.

LMAO. What else did masturbation do for you?

Well, thanks to all the edging — deliberately stopping or delaying my orgasm — I discovered that I could basically last as long as I wanted. I once managed to go 90 minutes without ejaculating.

This eventually paid off years later, in 2014 to be precise, when my partner said it was strange that I lasted so long for my first time. My pull out game is also flawless because of all the control I learnt. So, yeah, masturbation for the win. 

Tell me about your first time.

It was with the one and only sexual partner I’ve had till date. We met online and talked for about a year. She was the first person I ever really built an emotional connection with. We had done phone sex, sexting and exchanged nudes before meeting in real life.

Prior to meeting her, I hadn’t had any sexual experience with anyone. Not even a kiss. The most I had done was hug. A few women had made passes at me, but I wasn’t interested because I didn’t feel a connection. 

I got called gay a lot. I am conventionally attractive and people couldn’t understand why such a fine young man didn’t have babes all around him. I am also a bit effeminate, so that didn’t help matters. 

Not surprising. How was the sex?

The experience was amazing. I could feel the sexual energy and tension immediately I laid eyes on her. Within an hour, we were already fucking. That’s all we did for the rest of the night. 

The sex was great because we basically had the same fetishes — a lot of role-playing was involved. The fact that we got to discuss our fetishes in-depth before we moved on to the real thing made the entire thing so much better.

Nice. What happened next?

We became a couple and met intermittently after that. It was a long-distance relationship, so we couldn’t meet as often due to school, work and other things. My friends were just happy I’d finally had sex. They wanted me to immediately start fucking other babes. 

How did you feel about that?

I have never had anything against hook-up culture, one-night stands or casual sex, but I realised that the whole idea of having sex just for the sake of it, especially with someone you don’t have a real bond with, wasn’t for me. 

I tried to explain this to my friends, but they didn’t care. They just kept pushing me. For a lot of them, it seemed like they were only having sex so they could run back and tell us about it. They treated it like some sort of ego trip.

Did you know why that bond was so important to you?

I knew how I felt, but I didn’t know there was a term for it. It wasn’t until this year that I discovered I am demisexual. It was my former partner who even told me. She said she’d noticed a while ago and thought I already knew.

Former partner? You aren’t together anymore?

No, we are not. We are still best friends though. We just have a lot of more important things to focus on — from career to education. So, sex and relationships don’t feel as essential at the moment.

Oh ok. So, what exactly is being demisexual like?

Even if I think someone is physically attractive, I still won’t feel any attraction towards them. Like, I’m incapable of sexualising people I don’t know. For me, we have to become very close for that sexual attraction bulb to turn on in my head. 

What else has clicked for you since discovering this identity?

I never made this link before, but I think it explains why incest is my top fetish. Right from time, I read a lot of incest erotica and watched a lot of incest porn. For me, it’s about that bond that exists between family members.

Even if I don’t actually fancy incest in real life — for example, I’m not attracted to my sister at all — I still think that close emotional bond between relatives that could lead to sex is kind of similar to how I’m built.

Oh? Is that the role-playing you and your ex did?

Yeah. Sister and brother was our favourite and most common. We also did uncle and niece, mother and son, daddy and daughter, employer and employee, and cheating husband and mistress. 

Have you tried to foster this bond with anyone else?

To be honest, no. I’m not really at a point in my life where I care about this. I don’t care about the emotional bond and I don’t care about the sex. Trying to form that bond again is a lot of mental effort, and I don’t have the energy right now. . 

I’ve already let go of that toxic ideal that as a man, my value is based on how many women I can sleep with. I prefer quality over quantity, and I’m not going to go on a wild goose chase just because I want to have sex.

Fair. So, when was the last time you did have sex?

I haven’t had sex in like a year now, and I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. There was a period I even went almost 3 years without sex because my ex and I couldn’t find time to meet. 

Would you say you get horny a lot?

I really don’t. I used to only get horny when I was around her. It’s odd because when I was a teenager, I was constantly horny, but I guess that was because of my raging hormones. Since I’ve gotten older, I rarely do. 

So, I’m guessing you don’t masturbate as much anymore?

I don’t. After I had penetrative sex, the urge to masturbate went down a lot. I still watch porn for entertainment though. Like, a lot. Probably every day even. No, it’s not an addiction — at least I don’t think it is. I just enjoy watching it.

Maybe it’s because I only look for porn with storylines and an actual plot. I don’t watch all that hypersexualised nonsense with unnatural positions and zero intimacy. It gets me horny, yes, but I don’t masturbate to gratify the horniness.

How would you describe your relationship with sex as a demisexual man?

I think sex is great. I know what I like and what I want. I know it’s not something I have to indulge in to prove myself to anyone. I do it on my own terms and that’s part of why I really enjoy it whenever it does happen

I can’t say I have ever had a bad sexual experience with her or even a mediocre one. Yes, the sample size is very small, but it still counts. Maybe I need to have more sexual partners, but I won’t lose sleep if I never do. I’ve had a wonderful experience so far.

What would you like your sex life to look like 5 years down the line?

It’s not something I really think about, but I guess I would like it to be active and with someone I really love. The person also has to have the same sexual tastes/sexual energy as me. Someone who doesn’t do role-playing, for example, is a big no for me.

Do the people in your life know you’re demisexual?

I don’t really bother telling anyone because I don’t think they’ll understand. Considering the fact that many people still think I’m gay simply because I don’t randomly hit on women, I doubt demisexuality is something I’ll be able to explain to them.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’ll give it an 8. I’ve basically experienced most — if not all — of my fantasies. I have had these experiences on my own terms and I have enjoyed every moment. The only reason it’s not a 10 is because I’m leaving space for other experiences and fantasies with other potential partners.

I’m hoping those end up being a great addition to my sex life.

Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.


Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this


Now on Zikoko

August 4, 2021

If you are working a job you hate and you have thought of all the possible ways to resign from that job, we advise you to take some cues from these few Nigerians. These options might be a bit dramatic, but trust us, they work. Tony, 30 I used to work at this job where […]

August 4, 2021

Are you tired of looking like everyone on your street? This article is for you. Zikoko is here to, once again, give you premium advice on how to go from a boring looking man to a man people will have no choice but to stop and stare at. Think we’re lying? Try at least one […]

August 4, 2021

Let’s be honest, everyone loves extra money. A side hustle might be what’s standing between you and the soft life. But you need to work for it, and a side hustle is one way to ensure that it happens. The best part? You’re building a business while you still have a stable job and income. […]

Dating a creative
August 4, 2021

The regular dating pool is a mess and all the people in it are various levels of terrible. But that is nothing compared to the gutter that is dating creatives.  If you need a reason why you shouldn’t date a creative, here are 10. 1. They are either overdressed or underdressed  Or sometimes, a weird […]

August 4, 2021

Parties are fun and lit right, but there is no way a party is ever complete without taking amazing pictures – and this what TECNO helped the housemates achieve at the first Saturday night party in the Shine Ya Eyes mansion. Housemates after taking out time to look their best on the dance floor, gave […]

Recommended Quizzes

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

November 28, 2019

There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this […]

October 30, 2019

2010 was a game-changing one for Nollywood, with our movies making serious cash and getting international acclaim. So, which of these hits released between 2010 and 2019 — from the pace-setting The Wedding Party to the divisive Trip To Jamaica — best suits your personality? Well, that’s what this quiz is here to answer:

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

November 15, 2019

There are two types of people in Nigeria right now: those who are proud Marlians, and those who are still in denial about stanning the divisive star. So, for those who proudly wear the Marlian tag, we made a quiz to test how well you really know Naira Marley. If you get more than 6 […]

More from Sex Life

July 17, 2021

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman. She talks about how her first sexual relationship ended in shame because her partner spread gossip about the sex and how her fear of being tagged promiscuous prevented her from having sex with the men in her social circle. What was your first sexual experience? […]

June 9, 2021

Since heaven is the goal, but your body is not firewood, here are some of the best sex positions that won’t ruin your heavenly race. 1) Missionary The people that named this sex position knew what they were doing. It is simple, straight forward and as old as time. People that have sex like this […]

January 6, 2021

BDSM is an umbrella term for any activities under Bondage, Domination and Submission, and Sadomasochism. A lot of people still consider it unconventional sex, so we got 9 Nigerians to talk about their active participation in BDSM. Ada, 24 I have a daddy kink I think I got into it in secondary school. Honestly, I […]

November 24, 2020

Period sex is sex that happens while either of the parties involved are on their period. We asked Nigerians to share their period sex experience, here are eleven of them. Anna, 18 This was my first and only period sex experience, but I find it a funny one because it happened on my heaviest day. […]


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.