Sex Life: Everything Made Sense Once I Realised I’m Demisexual

July 25, 2020

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old heterosexual man who recently discovered he is demisexual — he can only feel sexual attraction to women he has strong emotional bonds with. So far, he’s only found one.

What was your first sexual experience?

I discovered masturbation when I was 15. I used to watch old amateur wrestling tapes that also included models stripping and posing. I would masturbate but never allow myself to climax. In my head, that would have been taking the sin too far. 

I would then run to pray for forgiveness for even watching it and getting turned on in the first place. This started in like 2007. I would do the same thing over and over again, but without actually ever climaxing. 

Damn. When did you eventually allow yourself to climax?

In 2009. After two years of holding myself back, I finally went all the way. It was an eye-opening experience for me. After it happened, I no longer felt shame or remorse. I suddenly didn’t give a fuck about praying for forgiveness.

Why do you think that switch happened?

I think it’s because it felt so good. It also finally clicked that I wasn’t hurting anyone by doing it.

What happened next?

I did a lot of research on masturbation and came across several websites — mostly religious ones — that demonised it. I started getting scared all over again. Then I came across some other sites that reassured me there was nothing wrong with it.

So, it became a frequent occurrence and that’s when I started using porn.

Were you still religious at this point?

After visiting those sites, I started side-eyeing religion. Gradually, I began exploring more atheist spaces online. That’s when I realised that religion is basically fear-mongering and manipulative propaganda that isn’t really based on anything logical.

I guess you could say masturbation eventually led to me becoming an atheist.

LMAO. What else did masturbation do for you?

Well, thanks to all the edging — deliberately stopping or delaying my orgasm — I discovered that I could basically last as long as I wanted. I once managed to go 90 minutes without ejaculating.

This eventually paid off years later, in 2014 to be precise, when my partner said it was strange that I lasted so long for my first time. My pull out game is also flawless because of all the control I learnt. So, yeah, masturbation for the win. 

Tell me about your first time.

It was with the one and only sexual partner I’ve had till date. We met online and talked for about a year. She was the first person I ever really built an emotional connection with. We had done phone sex, sexting and exchanged nudes before meeting in real life.

Prior to meeting her, I hadn’t had any sexual experience with anyone. Not even a kiss. The most I had done was hug. A few women had made passes at me, but I wasn’t interested because I didn’t feel a connection. 

I got called gay a lot. I am conventionally attractive and people couldn’t understand why such a fine young man didn’t have babes all around him. I am also a bit effeminate, so that didn’t help matters. 

Not surprising. How was the sex?

The experience was amazing. I could feel the sexual energy and tension immediately I laid eyes on her. Within an hour, we were already fucking. That’s all we did for the rest of the night. 

The sex was great because we basically had the same fetishes — a lot of role-playing was involved. The fact that we got to discuss our fetishes in-depth before we moved on to the real thing made the entire thing so much better.

Nice. What happened next?

We became a couple and met intermittently after that. It was a long-distance relationship, so we couldn’t meet as often due to school, work and other things. My friends were just happy I’d finally had sex. They wanted me to immediately start fucking other babes. 

How did you feel about that?

I have never had anything against hook-up culture, one-night stands or casual sex, but I realised that the whole idea of having sex just for the sake of it, especially with someone you don’t have a real bond with, wasn’t for me. 

I tried to explain this to my friends, but they didn’t care. They just kept pushing me. For a lot of them, it seemed like they were only having sex so they could run back and tell us about it. They treated it like some sort of ego trip.

Did you know why that bond was so important to you?

I knew how I felt, but I didn’t know there was a term for it. It wasn’t until this year that I discovered I am demisexual. It was my former partner who even told me. She said she’d noticed a while ago and thought I already knew.

Former partner? You aren’t together anymore?

No, we are not. We are still best friends though. We just have a lot of more important things to focus on — from career to education. So, sex and relationships don’t feel as essential at the moment.

Oh ok. So, what exactly is being demisexual like?

Even if I think someone is physically attractive, I still won’t feel any attraction towards them. Like, I’m incapable of sexualising people I don’t know. For me, we have to become very close for that sexual attraction bulb to turn on in my head. 

What else has clicked for you since discovering this identity?

I never made this link before, but I think it explains why incest is my top fetish. Right from time, I read a lot of incest erotica and watched a lot of incest porn. For me, it’s about that bond that exists between family members.

Even if I don’t actually fancy incest in real life — for example, I’m not attracted to my sister at all — I still think that close emotional bond between relatives that could lead to sex is kind of similar to how I’m built.

Oh? Is that the role-playing you and your ex did?

Yeah. Sister and brother was our favourite and most common. We also did uncle and niece, mother and son, daddy and daughter, employer and employee, and cheating husband and mistress. 

Have you tried to foster this bond with anyone else?

To be honest, no. I’m not really at a point in my life where I care about this. I don’t care about the emotional bond and I don’t care about the sex. Trying to form that bond again is a lot of mental effort, and I don’t have the energy right now. . 

I’ve already let go of that toxic ideal that as a man, my value is based on how many women I can sleep with. I prefer quality over quantity, and I’m not going to go on a wild goose chase just because I want to have sex.

Fair. So, when was the last time you did have sex?

I haven’t had sex in like a year now, and I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. There was a period I even went almost 3 years without sex because my ex and I couldn’t find time to meet. 

Would you say you get horny a lot?

I really don’t. I used to only get horny when I was around her. It’s odd because when I was a teenager, I was constantly horny, but I guess that was because of my raging hormones. Since I’ve gotten older, I rarely do. 

So, I’m guessing you don’t masturbate as much anymore?

I don’t. After I had penetrative sex, the urge to masturbate went down a lot. I still watch porn for entertainment though. Like, a lot. Probably every day even. No, it’s not an addiction — at least I don’t think it is. I just enjoy watching it.

Maybe it’s because I only look for porn with storylines and an actual plot. I don’t watch all that hypersexualised nonsense with unnatural positions and zero intimacy. It gets me horny, yes, but I don’t masturbate to gratify the horniness.

How would you describe your relationship with sex as a demisexual man?

I think sex is great. I know what I like and what I want. I know it’s not something I have to indulge in to prove myself to anyone. I do it on my own terms and that’s part of why I really enjoy it whenever it does happen

I can’t say I have ever had a bad sexual experience with her or even a mediocre one. Yes, the sample size is very small, but it still counts. Maybe I need to have more sexual partners, but I won’t lose sleep if I never do. I’ve had a wonderful experience so far.

What would you like your sex life to look like 5 years down the line?

It’s not something I really think about, but I guess I would like it to be active and with someone I really love. The person also has to have the same sexual tastes/sexual energy as me. Someone who doesn’t do role-playing, for example, is a big no for me.

Do the people in your life know you’re demisexual?

I don’t really bother telling anyone because I don’t think they’ll understand. Considering the fact that many people still think I’m gay simply because I don’t randomly hit on women, I doubt demisexuality is something I’ll be able to explain to them.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’ll give it an 8. I’ve basically experienced most — if not all — of my fantasies. I have had these experiences on my own terms and I have enjoyed every moment. The only reason it’s not a 10 is because I’m leaving space for other experiences and fantasies with other potential partners.

I’m hoping those end up being a great addition to my sex life.

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