Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old heterosexual woman who lost her “great sex” streak when she relocated to a new country. She talks about trying to regain her mojo and going beyond catching Nigerian bodies.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was abused by an uncle when I was 5 and it continued for 8 more years. I don’t think people talk enough about how victims of prolonged abuse not only get used to it, but they begin to “tolerate” it. That’s what happened to me.
When I was finally able to make the abuse stop, I decided to not engage in anything sexual until I was old enough to fully consent to it — this was my own form of therapy. So, I waited until I turned 18 to do anything sexual.
I’m so sorry you went through that. What was the experience at 18 like?
Terrible. Horrible. Shit. It was with one of my neighbours in university. I saw him and immediately knew I wanted to have sex with him. I’m pretty proactive, so I began to position myself for him to notice me and it worked.
We eventually started to date, not because I actually liked him or anything, but because I thought it was the right thing to do before we could have sex. The first time was horrible. The second time was horrible. It only became tolerable on our third try.
Did it ever become better than “tolerable”?
Yeah. It eventually graduated to “okay”, but it never became great.
When did you have great sex for the first time?
In 2016. I come pretty easily, but that’s different from having an orgasm. I’m not sure if it’s the same for other people, but that’s the case for me. The first time I had great sex was the moment I realised the difference. The orgasm was so intense that it basically knocked me out.
Oh wow. What’s your sex life like now?
I think I peaked sexually between 2018 and 2019. I was having a lot of great sex during that time. It was with one person for most of it, then towards the end, I met another person who was even better than the first. That period of my sex life deserves a 10/10.
Why did such greatness end?
I left Nigeria.
LMAO. I’d rather not say, in case my enemies read this and put two and two together.
Fair. So, what happened to your sex life after you moved?
To be honest, sex wasn’t a priority for a while after the move. I just wanted to settle down and figure my shit out. I was also living with family, so I didn’t have a lot of privacy. During this period, I masturbated A LOT.
Now, I’m living alone and my sex life has started picking up steam again.
Who was the first person you hooked up with?
A fellow Nigerian I met on social media. The sex was good. For some context, I like to be slapped, choked and generally roughed up during sex, but it was not his thing, which I get. The main issue was when the condom broke and we had to get a morning-after pill.
I had gotten it a few times in Nigeria, but it was such a different experience here.
We went to a pharmacy and they said I could get a free one. They asked for my details, and I thought it was a lot of drama for an emergency contraceptive. A lady eventually came out and asked to see me privately.
She asked me what happened, and when I told her, the next thing she asked was whether the sex was consensual. That was when I realised why they wanted to see me privately. They wanted to make sure I was okay.
In Nigeria, you could just get a morning-after pill without anyone raising an eyebrow. Like, you could have just been raped and it wouldn’t have mattered. It actually mattered here and that felt really nice.
That’s great. Was your first hook-up being Nigerian an intentional choice?
A bit, but it was mostly because we vibed.
So, you don’t plan to only hook up with Nigerians?
God forbid. I didn’t leave Nigeria to only come and be catching Nigerian bodies, abeg. I’m definitely not opposed to hooking up with men of other races. I’ve had and still get a bunch of offers on social media, but the Nigerian was the best choice at that time.
Besides social media, how else do you meet people?
Dating apps. Honestly, the dating scene isn’t any better than it is in Lagos. It’s just a struggle.
Lmao. Have you hooked up with anyone since the Nigerian?
Yeah. A few weeks after him, I had sex with a white guy for the first time. The sex would have been okay, but things got awkward pretty quickly. While he was inside me, this dude started asking me if his dick is bigger than the black guys I’ve been with.
What the hell?
Yup. I couldn’t wait to bounce him. I haven’t seen him since that unfortunate night.
What happened after him?
The pandemic hit and, like most people around the world, I had a prolonged dry spell. Thank God for the people who make sex toys. I masturbated a lot during the thick of the lockdown, so that helped keep me sane.
I eventually met this black guy on social media and we started talking. He asked to come over, and while I was a bit nervous, I agreed. We had sex and it was good. Then I met another black guy and we went on a pandemic date. He was really nice, so we had sex too.
I liked both of them, so I decided to multi-task. I would have sex with one in the morning and the other in the evening. It was really fun. They are both from different parts of Africa, and neither of them disgraced their country.
LMAO. How long did this last?
About a month. I was getting tired of juggling them both, so I decided to make a pros and cons list and just pick one. I still hook up with other people occasionally, but the one I chose is my most consistent sexual partner at the moment. He’s aware of my other hook-ups.
So, no more non-black people in your future?
Honestly, that white guy scarred me, but I don’t want to say it will never happen again — I never say never. If I meet a non-black guy that I vibe with, I’m down. I’m not actively looking, but I won’t close myself off if the opportunity presents itself.
How has your dating life been since the move?
I’ve not been in a relationship since, but I have someone in Nigeria who plans to relocate soon. I think we’ll get into a relationship when he gets here. The distance is the main reason we aren’t together right now, but there’s already a foundation for a relationship.
He is sleeping with other people back in Nigeria, and we tell each about all our sexual exploits. My friends think it’s weird, but I don’t. It actually gets me off when he tells me what he did to another girl. I find it very hot.
When he moves will you still be sleeping with other people?
I don’t think so, but it really depends on what he wants. Honestly, I’m cool either way. In his case, however, I definitely want him to sleep with other women once we’re official. Don’t ask me why; I can’t really explain my logic.
Ah. Ok. What would you like your sex life to look like down the line?
I still feel like I haven’t really explored as much as I’d like. Down the line, I would like to get married to someone who is just as adventurous as me, so we can explore together. Sex is always going to be an important part of my life, so I would like a partner who gets that.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
A 7. The sex I’m having right now is pretty great, but I love BDSM and I’m not experiencing that as much as I’d like. My major sexual partner is very straight-laced and while I’ve gotten him to try out some kinky stuff, he is still pretty vanilla.