Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old heterosexual woman who doubles as a sexpert in her free time. She talks about how much she enjoys helping people learn about sex while ironically experiencing the worst dry spell ever.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was in primary school and I had sex with my seat partner, a girl. We started kissing each other and it kind of escalated. Of course, we didn’t know what we were doing, we were just jamming our genitals against each other. We’d seen a porn clip where that happened.
That’s interesting. Was that the point when you discovered your sexuality?
I didn’t know anything about sexuality then; we were just mimicking what we saw on television. It’s the same way you’re a kid and you mimic gender roles, dance steps and all of that. However, because I grew up in a liberal home, I learned about sexuality not too long after. I think it was a conversation with one of my sisters.
Anyway, at the end of the day, I realised I wasn’t attracted to girls — even after I did what I did with my friend. I liked boys.
Okay, so what was your first sexual experience with a boy?
Still in primary school, I kissed a boy. Then in secondary school, I started making out properly. I remember the first time I got oral sex from a boy in my set. It was so bad, I almost swore off sex completely. Then a female friend gave me head and I felt redeemed. I think this was the point I knew I wanted to help people learn more about sex and their bodies.
How old were you?
I was 13/14.
I read books about sex. Nancy Friday’s Woman on Top was one I really liked. Then there’s this really famous one that my mum had. I read it cover-to-cover. Of course I didn’t let my family know what I was doing. It was through reading that I first understood how to pleasure myself and the different ways I could do this. So, at some point, I stopped doing anything with anyone and just helped myself. It was fantastic, but it eventually got boring.
What did you do after?
I went back to boys. I was in university at this point. That was when I had sex. It was frustrating because I had to teach him everything. From reading and doing my research, I knew that men were almost always clueless about sex, I just didn’t expect this guy to be that clueless. He came in less than five minutes. Worst part, the condom broke.
I got the morning-after pill the next day and decided that I needed to start screening my partners carefully. I couldn’t just sleep with anyone. So apart from asking about their sexual history and getting tested — even though we still used condoms — I’d talk to them about “sexual best practices”. Once you start telling me you don’t give head, you only give head for a minute or you come in less than 10 minutes, I see those as red flags. Although there were people who were dishonest, I tried my best to scan them properly.
I know some might ask “All this trouble just to have sex? Why not get a boyfriend?” Well, I just wasn’t interested in a relationship. I’ve never been in a relationship and don’t think I will ever be in one.
That’s interesting. So all your sexual partners have been random?
In a sense. If I feel some kind of sexual tension or attraction to you, I’ll most likely tell you about it and ask if you’re down to have sex. I’ve also had sexual partners who were with me for certain time frames.
For example, some time after uni, I had a sexual partner who lived with me. We were pretty much a couple, but we only had sex with each other and did nothing else together. Ironically, we broke up because he had sex with someone else — you can say he cheated. I always ensure that there’s an agreement when we start sleeping together. One of the major things in that agreement is that they must not sleep with someone else during the time we’re together.
Ah I see.
Yeah. That breakup worked out for him because he clearly liked the girl and wanted a relationship with her. Unfortunately, the sex wasn’t as great as what we had, so he begged me to sleep with him a few times. I didn’t.
It was messy, but I’ve had more sex partners since then. Sex partners or “fuck buddies” are usually the best types of partners for me because I often have to teach men about my body and how to have different kinds of sex. Teaching random people is stressful., but if I teach one guy and we stay together for a couple of months or a year, it’s great.
And you won’t sleep with anyone else during that time?
Nope. I’m committed to my sexual partners — whenever I have one, anyway — and I expect them to be committed to me.
So what’s your sex life these days?
It doesn’t exist. It’s ironic because I’m supposed to be a sexpert.
What does that mean?
So you know how I said that I teach men about sex? Well, I also do it properly for a living: men and women. A lot of people come to me and say, they need help keeping their partners happy or they just need help getting better and they can’t talk to their friends or partners about it.
I give them tips and show them how to do it. A lot of men learned about sex through porn and porn doesn’t teach you anything. It’s unrealistic. I remember this man who was complaining that his babe was coming too soon. I asked him what was too soon, he said 30 minutes. He wanted to go on for more than an hour.
I remember this other man who came to tell me that his wife just never got wet and wanted to practice with me. I was like, no, that’s not what I do. I could counsel both of you, but I won’t sleep with you. I’ll teach you how to give head, I’ll teach all the different kinds of positions, using props. I’ll teach you about foreplay and all the different ways to spice up your sex life. I also educate people on the importance of sexual health and on how to remove the stigma and shame around sex.
How does one become a sexpert?
I did a few courses and read a lot of books. I also learn from other sexperts online.
Is it a full-time job?
For me, it’s not. For some others, it is. I work with an organisation. The money is good but it could be better. I actually just enjoy doing it.
Okay, so why doesn’t your sex life exist?
Because I haven’t had sex in like two years. I slipped up a while back and started having sex with strangers. This was a very stressful period in my life. So I’d just go on the internet, on some of those hookup sites and get anybody I saw. The very last person I did it with gave me an infection that was really hard to treat.
While I was treating it, I had to abstain from sex and then after it cleared up, I wasn’t just interested in having sex with anyone. I think it’s more correct to say I didn’t just want to orgasm or be touched. I think I felt some level of shame and was really just afraid to start having sex again.
Thanks. Even after I got over my shame, it became hard to find people to sleep with. Nobody has time for my questionnaires or to get tested. Everyone just wants to have sex. I’ve given romantic relationships a rethink during this period, but I’ve often just ignored this inkling because it might end up a disaster. I’m not the most fantastic person in the world.
What about masturbating again?
I’m now doing that. It’s all I do these days, but it’s boring as fuck. Covid made the situation worse for me. I think I went a month or two without physical touch because I live alone. It was depressing. Physical touch is very important oh my God.
Haha. What are you doing to change the situation?
I don’t know because I’m not doing much. Sometimes I’m so horny, everything is sexual and everyone is sexy. Maybe next year, I can start trying again, but I’ll just wallow in my sexless life right now.
So how would you rate your sex life?
When I was having sex, it was defintiely 10/10. I rarely ever had bad sex, except when I started sleeping with strangers. Now that I’m not having sex, it’s like -10.