Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 30-year-old bisexual woman who was sexually assaulted multiple times while growing up. Now, she’s reclaiming her power by dominating men in bed with strap-ons and bondage play.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was eight or nine. Teenagers in my estate would gather all the kids my age, pair us up and force us to make out in front of them. I knew it was weird, but it wasn’t until I got older that I realised it was sexual abuse.
That’s awful. How long did that go on for?
A few months. One of the younger kids told their parents and that’s why it stopped. It’s funny that you called it “awful” because it didn’t feel that way at the time. Now that I think about it, it definitely affected the way I look at sex.
A lot of my sexual experiences following that were also not under my control.
How do you mean?
My first-ever boyfriend raped me, and before that, I was sexually assaulted in secondary school — a senior took me behind one of the classes and groped me. By the time I was in university, I just wanted to know what consensual sex actually felt like.
I’m so sorry. What was the first consensual experience like?
It was with a friend-turned-boyfriend. I initially didn’t want to date him because I knew he was a hoe. He used to tell me stories about all his sexual conquests, and I was sure he’d just fuck and leave me.
I eventually agreed to date him, and we started having sex. While I appreciate that he helped awaken my body to sex, he was never able to make me come. I was always faking it. The only way I could come was through masturbation.
When did you first get to orgasm from sex?
I was 23 and my ex had just ghosted me. So I started having a bunch of one-night stands to help get over him. I wasn’t having orgasms with them, but I was enjoying the thrill of being with new people.
After a series of guys, I eventually had a one-night stand with someone who seemed to know my body better than even I did. He gave me head, and I had my first proper orgasm with a man. That’s when I finally understood all the hype around sex.
If you didn’t get the hype up until that point, why did you keep having it?
I’ve always been interested in the act of sex. That interest was what propelled me to continue sleeping with different men even though I wasn’t enjoying it. I held on to the hope that I would eventually figure it out. Thankfully, I did.
That’s great. What’s your sex life like now?
It’s really interesting. About a year ago, I realised I’m very into being a Dom (dominant) in bed. I love having that control and power. It turns me on to tie men up, blindfold them and use their body for my will.
At the start of this year, I pegged my first guy. Like, I actually used a strap-on to fuck him. It was great. I think I just decided that if I’m going to continue having sex, it has to be the kind of sex I want.
Interesting. What made you decide that?
Last year, I dated someone who was a complete asshole. He crushed my spirit. When it ended, instead of just sleeping around to get over him, I actually sat down and asked myself what I really wanted from sexual and romantic relationships.
That was the catalyst for me deciding to get my power back. I knew I no longer wanted vanilla sex. I was ready to do all the things that had always been at the back of my mind.
Is it easy to find Nigerian men who want to be dominated by a woman?
Yes and no. No, because a lot of Nigerian men subscribe to that I-am-the-head bullshit. Thankfully, social media has helped me find the type of men who are open to exploring.
I have a burner account on Twitter where I share all the thoughts in my head, and I’ve gathered a little following of interested people. I even get approached by men abroad who are looking to be dominated.
What exactly do you tweet with that account?
Anything from pictures of the strap-ons I’ve used, to all the nasty things I want to do to men.
How many guys have you met off Twitter?
About 10. I’ve pegged three out of the 10 guys, and two of them are now repeat clients. The last guy I pegged is coming back for more, and he plans to pay even more money. He really enjoyed our last session.
Oh? You charge the men?
It depends on what we’re doing. If we are just chatting on Twitter, I won’t charge for that. If it’s an in-person session, then I charge for that. Getting paid to fuck a guy in the ass just adds an extra layer of domination that I love.
I don’t charge everyone the same amount. I know Nigeria is tough, so I pity some people. I generally charge based on what I think the person can afford. I think I’ve even had a session where I didn’t charge at all.
Interesting. Do you still do romantic relationships?
Yeah. I’m currently sleeping with a man I’ll call my main submissive. We met organically and developed a romantic relationship. When we started sleeping with each other and talking about sex, I realised he was the sub I’d been looking for.
So, right now, we are in a Dom/sub relationship, as well a romantic one.
What’s the difference?
A Dom/sub relationship is defined by the power dynamics. The Dom, me in this case, always takes the lead. Even outside the bedroom, I’m in control. For example, when we go on dates, I decide where we go and also order food for both of us.
That’s just one of the many ways we’ve infused the Dom/sub relationship into our romantic one.
Does he mind that you hook up with other men?
Nope. He actually gets turned on by it. It’s a very interesting relationship.
How is sex with him?
It’s so much fun. Before him, my main sexual partner was a fellow Dom. We both kept trying to outdo each other in bed, and that was interesting in its own way. With my current partner, it’s more fulfilling.
He always wanted to do kinky things, but he never had the opportunity until now. I’m basically his teacher. Right now, we are preparing him for his first-ever peg session. I’ve never pegged a newbie, so I want to make sure he’s ready.
That’s sweet. Is there anything else you’d like to try in bed?
I’d like to finally sleep with a woman. I came out as bisexual a year ago, but I’ve never had sex with a woman. I just know I’ve always been into women. Even when I watch porn, I’m always focused on the women.
I’ve made out with a few girls, but I’ve never gone all the way.
Honestly, I’m scared that I’ll be bad at it. I know how to sleep with men, that’s pretty easy, but with women, it’s more complicated. That being said, there is a woman I’m currently talking to. I’m really interested in her, and I’m excited to see where that leads.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I would rate it a solid 9. I’m really enjoying my sex life right now, especially getting to explore my kinks with my partner. When I finally get to be with a woman, it’ll definitely be a 10.
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