Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual man who has had an active sex life. These days though,he’s tired of having sex with his girlfriend of six years and although he has several theories, he isn’t sure why.
When did you start having sex?
When I was in university. I don’t remember much about the first time, but I remember that I’d lied to my guys that I had had sex in secondary school when I’d never even gotten head. They were planning some kind of sex party and I had serious anxiety — I’ve always had anxiety around women — so I drank a lot before and during the party. I don’t know what I did or who I did it with, but my friends were hailing me the next day. I was so embarrassed and scared? I didn’t drink again for a year.
Did you continue having sex though?
Not yet. The experience made me realise that women or girls are not scary, monstrous people and I can actually approach them. So I became a serial make-out guy.
What does that mean?
It means I was hooking up with women to make out with them. Sometimes oral sex, but not all the time.
Okay. How did that go?
Went well enough, until one babe told me I was a horrible kisser. That crushed my self-esteem. Me that girls were lining up to kiss? Is she mad?
Did you stop there?
Nope. But that’s how I met my current girlfriend. She was my classmate in university, but we didn’t start talking until we got posted to the same NYSC camp. I never used to talk to her because I thought she was like all those fellowship sisters — I’d met a couple of them and really didn’t want to have anything to do with them, even though I was celibate. It was good to have the option to have sex when I wanted to. We got talking and that’s when I realised, ‘Werey dey disguise’.
How does Mr Marcaroni say it? “freaky freaky” — that’s the perfect description for her and perhaps what eventually drew me to her. That’s how I learned not to judge a book by its cover. We both served somewhere in the north and on our parade ground, there was a lot of bush. One evening after drama rehearsals, when it was really dark, she gave me sloppy head. She was willing to have sex there, but I told her, “Aunty, wait.” I didn’t want to get caught. We were always doing something every day after that day.
Did you eventually have sex in camp?
Yes. She was supposed to leave camp before everyone else for something and so, the day before, she asked me to give her a parting gift. I bought her lunch from ‘Mammy Market’ and she just laughed in my face and said she would get her gift later that evening. We had sex in her room, she was loud and didn’t care. I kept thinking, ‘Ah! This girl likes danger’. I was actually glad when she left because it felt like fresh air. I was no longer afraid of getting ‘caught’. When you’re constantly doing dangerous things, even when you’re doing ordinary things, you’ll feel like you’re being watched. Unfortunately, I soon realised I missed her.
You had caught feelings?
Yes, I had. Mistake because she redeployed. I didn’t see her for about a year.
Did you see anyone in the meantime?
Actually no. But I paid for sex twice. First time was with my neighbour who used to cook and bring me food sometimes. It was a holiday, I can’t remember which, and I couldn’t afford to travel home, so I told her to make something for us, which I contributed to. When she was done, and brought my share, she said she wasn’t going to give me if I didn’t have sex with her. And I was just like, on top food that I contributed to? I actually did have sex with her and it was okay really. Nothing as explosive as when I had sex in camp. I think it must have been the Christmas period, because it’s Christmas that makes lonely people do crazy things like that. Anyway, that felt like paying for sex? Or paying for food with sex.
And what about the second time?
That one was a sex worker. I’m actually not proud of the experience because it was just bland. I could have stayed at home and eaten eba and experienced the same thing.
LMAO. Wow. What did you do after NYSC finished?
Went to find my NYSC love oh.
Did you find her?
Yes. I did. She was dating someone at first, but that didn’t stop her from sleeping with me. Haha. They broke up shortly after and we started dating. And we’ve been dating since then.
What’s the sex like?
The sex is great. Being in a relationship has made me ask a lot of questions about myself and about life. I don’t think I’m nearly as interested in sex as the average guy my age. It’s a concern for me because my girlfriend is hellbent on having sex as often as possible. She is really invested in sex and how to improve our sex lives, and I don’t match up. It’s a concern for me because we’re talking about marriage and I don’t want it to feel like I’m boxing her up.
How often do you have sex?
In the beginning it was almost every weekend — which was when we got to see each other. Then we moved in together and it became almost every day after work. Let’s say about four times a week — which was healthy for me. There was a period of time we were both jobless at the same time and it was almost twice a day. I was like, ‘Madam, please, take it easy. You wan kill person?’ But even then, I kind of enjoyed the thrill. I enjoyed the roleplaying especially.
Haha. What’s it like now?
We’ve actually fought about it because I’m tired. I’ve told her I want to be celibate. The real reason is I’m just tired of sex. I know for sure that I’m tired of having sex with her, but I don’t know if I’m tired of sex generally — since I’m only having sex with her and I don’t masturbate.
A few months ago, during the lockdown, we almost entered the everyday sex phase. Then I fell sick and it was a great excuse to stop. Now that we’re better and the world has opened up, madam wants it, but I don’t have that strength physically and emotionally and I’m just not interested.
Are you still attracted to her?
Absolutely. I love her very much. I guess, I really just want to take a break from sex for now.
Thing is I’ve been feeling this way for a while — even before the lockdown — and it hasn’t abated.
What does she think about your desire to become celibate?
She actually thinks I’m tired of sex with her, or that I want to cheat on her. And it hurts me to see her go through such mental gymnastics, so I’m willing to continue, or at least compromise. I need to do what’s best for me in this situation, sha, because it’s been affecting me at work.
Sometimes, I’m anxious to return home because I’m anxious that we’ll spend a chunk of time having sex. And after spending hours having sex in the night, I’m drowsy at work the next day. I’m pretty sure that I’ll come out of the experience better and ready to have more paced sex. But what if I don’t?
And you’re sure you’re not asexual?
So how would you rate your sex life?
The sex we have is great, so 10/10. But the sex life itself isn’t great, so 3/10. I can’t exactly explain it, as you can tell.