Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 30-year-old heterosexual woman who entered a celibacy pact with her partner before marriage. She didn’t keep her end of the pact and often cheated on him. Now that she’s married and finally having sex, she feels sorry that she cheated.
What was your first sexual experience?
I didn’t start having penetrative sex until I was 27. I was having other kinds of sex before this and I was satisfied with that.
What kinds of sex?
Oral sex mostly. I wanted to save myself for marriage, but because body no be firewood, I allowed myself to do other things.
And that was enough?
Mostly. I wasn’t really having orgasms except for when I helped myself and I liked helping myself, so really, I was happy.
So what made you decide to have sex eventually?
Small mistake. I had just started dating my now husband, and we had decided that we would remain celibate until marriage.
Wait, was this your first relationship?
It was my first serious relationship. Everything else before it was child’s play. We decided we would both remain celibate until marriage. It was mostly based on our religious beliefs, but I don’t remember who brought up the idea, only that I didn’t think it was big deal. I’d gone my entire life without sex, so what was a few more months of no sex? We had agreed that we would be married within a year, although that didn’t happen.
What about oral sex?
That was off the table too. He was like, we’d also have to not make out, and I was like sorry, what? But because I was in love, I assumed it wouldn’t be very hard. We were then very religious — him more than me.
And that’s how the mistake started. I was talking to a few friends about this promise we made to each other and they made it sound outlandish. They said it sounded like a pact or a covenant. They asked me what would happen if I didn’t eventually marry him. I ignored them because I was so sure we’d get married in a few months. It wasn’t like I was in a rush to have sex, but when I initially told my friends I finally had a boyfriend, they were excited that I was going to stop being celibate.
A few days after, I was hanging out with this other male friend. One thing led to another and we started making out. My subconscious was probably still thinking of the comments my friends made because I don’t know why I impulsively told him we should have sex.
He didn’t want to because he knew my boyfriend and they were becoming friends, so we decided to leave the house instead. He even sent an email the next day apologising to me for the make out sesh. Something that I was still thinking about and had even masturbated to.
Haha. What happened after this?
We were hanging out again, this time with other friends — we really didn’t want to be alone together because there was some sexual tension. For context, we had actually had a fuck-buddy type relationship in university, but this was just making out and nothing serious.
However, on this particular day, it started to rain and we all decided to sleepover. I wasn’t even thinking about sex. But somehow, somehow, we ended up having sex in the bathroom that night. Three rounds, from the bathtub, to sink, to toilet seat.
Worst part is after it happened, we didn’t even talk about it.
How was the sex?
It was really good. I really enjoyed it.
So why didn’t you talk about it?
Maybe guilt. And to pretend like it didn’t really happen. However, we kept getting into situations where we were alone together and we just settled into the routine of having sex with each other without really talking about the implications. Even when he started dating someone and I was properly engaged to my partner.
You didn’t feel guilty?
There were times I genuinely felt really bad and was on the brink of confessing, but I used to ask myself, how was I sure that he wasn’t doing anything with anyone? Abi? I mean, I loved him — still love him and was happy with him, honestly, but I can’t describe how having sex with my friend made me feel. Maybe liberated? I don’t know.
Did you eventually stop?
Yeah. My friend moved, but even before then, he had broken up with his babe, was seeing someone else and was hinting that this new girl was the real deal. It made me feel bad because me nko, am I not still sleeping with you as I’m with my real deal. His leaving was just the easiest way for us to eventually stop. I sha gave him goodbye sex and it was really good. I mean we’d been fuck buddies for two years, it was emotional.
What about your relationship with your partner?
It was still good. We eventually scrapped our no oral sex rule while we were engaged. It wasn’t bad, but I didn’t feel enthused. Maybe it was because I had already been having sex and was having oral sex without having sex. I never wanted to be the demon and ask for the oral sex to go further, so I said nothing. Sha we got married and started having sex.
How was it?
It was ten times better than sex with my friend. First of all, I told my husband, I can’t believe you made me wait all these years for this. I joked around and said, I hope you were not practicing with someone else, and he joked back and said, if I was practicing with someone else, doesn’t this make it worth it? That was how my suspicion about him sleeping around while we were still dating and engaged grew. But I didn’t have the moral right to investigate or feel bad because I knew what I had done. So I just took the sex that he gave me and enjoyed it.
What’s your favourite part about married sex?
For me, my favourite part isn’t even the sex, it’s the new levels of surpise that I’m open to all the time. One minute, we’re vanilla, the next we’re trying BDSM. It’s like I thought I was dating a gentle, reserved, religious person, but I’m now married to someone who flips that entire script around. He’s very passionate in bed and is open to exploring different things. I feel like I didn’t entirely know him before marriage. Married sex is also really comfortable if I’m being honest.
How do you feel about this, based on the fact that you had an affair?
I have mixed feelings. Sometimes I feel maybe I needed to have sex with my friend in order to properly value what I have now. Not that I’m justifying what I did. But again, I often regret it because my husband is perfect and he deserved my respect — having an affair wasn’t respecting him.
Do you feel you’ll ever tell him?
I’m really not one of those people who believe that you need to tell your partner everything or that the truth is some kind of holy grail. Why spoil something good by telling him the truth? Sometimes keep the skeletons in your closet locked and bury the keys. Talking about it now is my own final recollection of it.
So how would you rate your sex life?
A solid 10 man. Nothing less.