Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 32-year-old gay man who stopped keeping track of his body count once it crossed 300. He talks about his inability to sleep with anyone more than once and how this has affected his love life.
What was your first sexual experience?
My first sexual experience wasn’t consensual. I was six when my uncle who came to live with us started molesting me. He swore he would kill me and my entire family if I ever told anyone. This continued for three more years until he moved out.
Then when I was 12, my best friend’s house girl began molesting both of us. She would make one of us touch her and tell the other person to kiss her. This lasted for about two years before his family left Lagos.
I’m so sorry. What was your first consensual experience?
It was actually with my best friend. We used to make out and dry hump each other when I was 11. That’s why his housegirl started molesting us. She caught us kissing and threatened to report to our parents if we didn’t do what she said.
My best friend and I never kissed again.
Damn. What happened after he moved?
I’m pretty sure I made out with every single boy on my street. Whenever someone suggested that we play “Hide and Seek”, I knew they wanted to kiss me. We would look for a place to hide and make out until we heard footsteps. It was a lot of fun.
How did you know you were into boys?
This might sound ridiculous, but I kind of always knew. I made out with my fair share of girls while growing up, but I never felt anything. I had my first-ever crush on a boy in Primary 1.
I even remember begging my parents to send me to an all-boys boarding school because of all the gist I used to hear, but they refused. I know I would have been the school whore if they had agreed.
LMAO. So, when did you have sex for the first time?
I was 16. It was with a guy I had been chatting with on Facebook for months. He was really good-looking, and I was convinced I was in love with him. He lived in a different city, but after a lot of begging, he came down to Lagos to see me.
How was the sex?
It wasn’t great. Neither of us knew what we were doing. Right after we finished, I wanted him to leave. I figured my sudden disgust was because of how forgettable the sex turned out to be.
Immediately he left, I blocked him everywhere.
Oh wow. What happened next?
I went back on Facebook to find another guy. This time, I found someone who lived in Lagos. After a few weeks of chatting, we met up and had sex. The sex was a lot better this time, but immediately I came, I felt the same level of disgust I did with the first guy.
Ah. How many more times did this happen?
Let’s just say by the time I turned 20, I had slept with about 40 guys. It was the same issue with every single one of them: I would be into them during the talking stage, but once we had sex, their presence would begin to repulse me.
Omo. So, you’ve never tried sleeping with an old fling before?
It’s like you’re not understanding me. Once I’ve slept with someone, my penis will REFUSE to get hard for them ever again. I’ve tried multiple times, but it doesn’t work. My brain can no longer see them as attractive.
Why do you think this happens?
I have no idea. My friends think I do it so I can brag, but I swear, I don’t. I wish my brain reacted differently to sex. I’ve had to free so many amazing guys because my attraction disappeared right after we fucked. Does that sound like fun?
Not at all. So, how has this affected your dating life?
I’ve stopped trying to date, but it used to be tough. Whenever I met a guy I liked, I would try to avoid having sex for as long as possible. Even when I tried to explain my condition to them, they would assume it was bants.
I’ve only ever had one proper relationship, and it only lasted as long as it did because the guy is a “side” — a gay man who isn’t into any form of anal sex. So, we never had penetrative sex, and I never had to worry about getting repulsed by him.
What did you guys do?
Everything else. Making out, oral sex, hand jobs and eating ass.
How long did the relationship last?
A little over a year. He was also cool with me sleeping with other men. I think he didn’t care because he knew I’d never want to see them after we were done, so he had nothing to worry about.
Oh? Then why did it end?
He had to leave the country, and we both agreed that long-distance never works.
What’s your sex life like these days?
It’s still active, but I’ve stopped keeping track of the number of people I’ve slept with. I stopped counting at around 300 because I started feeling a bit gross. If you tell me it has now passed 600, I wouldn’t even be a little surprised.
Do you remember all the people you’ve slept with?
My brain doesn’t, but I think my penis does. I remember seeing a really handsome guy at a wedding. He was totally my type, but I wasn’t attracted to him at all. We later bumped into each other, and he reminded me that we’d hooked up some years back.
Wow. So, how do you approach sex now?
These days, I just want to fuck without talking too much. I don’t see the point in getting to know anything tangible about the person when I will lose interest right after sex. That seems like a waste of both our times.
Is it hard to find men who feel the same way?
Have you met men? On any gay dating app, you’ll find plenty looking for meaningless sex too. Those are the ones I like. When a guy starts asking me unnecessary questions like my name or occupation, I block him. No time. I’m not there for a job interview.
LMAO. Wow. So, this isn’t something you’re interested in fixing?
I don’t think it’s fixable. I’ve come to accept that my wires are crossed.
Have you considered therapy?
I already know what the therapist will say. They will blame it on what happened to me as a kid, but how is that helpful? Will they go back in time and stop my uncle and that house girl from molesting me? Nope. So, why should I waste my money?
I think it could help in other ways.
Let’s just free that one, abeg.
All right. How often would you say you have sex now?
I sleep with at least two new people every week. I’m always looking for someone new on one app or the other. That can be a little hard sometimes because I’ve slept with and blocked most of the men on there.
Wait. Do you actually enjoy all the sex you have?
Not always, but for the most part, it ranges from good to great. Sometimes, I hook up with a guy that knows his work, and I immediately become sad because I know I won’t be able to fuck him again.
Are these encounters safe?
I use condoms about 95% of the time. I also get tested every three months. The last time I checked, I’m still STD free. I won’t lie, condom sex isn’t as sweet, but since I can’t have a steady partner, I don’t have much of a choice.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’ll give it a 0. I’m having a lot of great sex, but I feel like a prisoner to my own desires. Thankfully, I noticed that my sex drive has been reducing with age, so I’m hoping it will continue until I no longer crave sex.