People have different assumptions about what sex in old age should look like. But for the people living this reality, midlife sex is anything but predictable.
We asked six Nigerians over 45 how growing older has changed the way they experience sex, and they had interesting stories to share.
“I didn’t know what an orgasm felt like until I turned 50” — Amina*, 51
Amina* thought menopause would kill her sex life, but it ended up being the start of a new one.
“For most of my life, I treated sex as something for men. My role was to help him finish, roll over, and that was it. After I turned 50, menopause symptoms hit me hard, and I landed in the hospital. I assumed my sex life was over.
The doctors prescribed hormone supplements to help with the symptoms, and that’s when the surprise came. My sex drive returned stronger than ever, and luckily, my husband is still active.
The biggest shock? I realised I had never experienced a real orgasm until now. Once I started speaking up about what I wanted, everything changed. My husband has also become more patient and attentive with age, which makes a huge difference. For the first time in my life, I’m the one initiating sex.”
“My body gave up before I was ready” — Edward*, 58
For Edward*, ageing didn’t diminish his desire. His body just made it harder to keep up.
“Sometime after I turned 56, I noticed that even though I still wanted sex, I couldn’t perform like before. Spontaneity became a thing of the past.
These days, I plan ahead. I only try in the mornings when my energy is at its highest. I drink water, rest well and occasionally take something for support. It really humbled me because I know the kind of man I used to be.
I haven’t told my wife yet, but she has probably noticed. I’ve also been avoiding the conversation, even though I know it has to happen soon.”
“I want to try sex toys, but I don’t know if that sits well with my faith” — Ruth*, 49
Ruth* is learning to suppress desire after her husband’s accident changed the dynamics of their sex life.
“My husband had a partial stroke a few years ago after he turned 50. That changed everything, especially our sex life, which ended almost overnight.
During a brief recovery period, we tried a few times, but he couldn’t climax. I think his medications and the stroke took a toll on his body, but I never pushed. He’s in his mid-fifties now, and his condition has deteriorated.
Now, I’m his full-time caregiver. He won’t let anyone else touch him, so I take care of him while juggling the kids and work. It’s hard to feel sexually attracted to someone you’re constantly cleaning up after.
I’m much younger than he is, and sometimes I still have urges, but the reality of my life doesn’t leave much room for them. A friend once suggested I try sex toys, but I don’t know if that sits well with my religious faith. I take it as one of those unfortunate things I’ve had to accept and try to fill my mind with other things.”
“My daughter helped me save my sex life” — Bola*, 54
When sex suddenly became painful for Bola*, she turned to an unexpected person for help, and it changed everything.
“My libido dropped significantly as I got older. Sex became painful, and I’d feel itchy afterwards. My husband, who’s a few years younger, started complaining that we weren’t having sex as often. We went from regular sex to barely once a month.
It bothered me, but I didn’t know who to talk to without feeling ashamed. I eventually opened up to my eldest daughter. She helped me look up my symptoms, and we realised it was likely due to menopause. She even got me lubricant and some supplements to help.
It’s definitely improved our sex life. It’s still not what it used to be, but we’ve found a comfortable routine that works for both of us.”
“I’ve realised I have to slow down” — Fred*, 45
Divorce didn’t end Fred’s sex life, but getting older made him re-evaluate what excites him.
“I’m divorced, but that didn’t end my sex life. I still have sex occasionally, just not the way I used to. I’ve slowed down.
Back in the day, I could go multiple rounds without stress. Now I have to be careful. If I go too hard and end up getting a stroke, what will people say? I don’t stress about it, though. It’s just part of getting older.
What’s even more surprising is how much I’ve lost interest in casual hookups. I used to chase excitement. These days, a good night’s sleep sometimes feels more satisfying than sex.”
Read Also: My Wife’s Lies Led to Our Only Son’s Demise. I Can’t Forgive That
“We’ve not had sex in almost a year, and I don’t mind” — Grace*, 63
*Grace expected to be the one slowing down, but her husband’s sudden switch shocked her more.
“If you told me ten years ago that my husband would lose interest in sex, I’d have laughed. This is a man who couldn’t sit still when it came to women. He was known for it. But everything changed after he turned 60.
Now, he’s 64 and we haven’t had sex since the year began. Last year, we only had sex twice. He doesn’t have any health issues. I think his drive and excitement are just gone with age.
I thought I’d feel rejected or confused long-term, but I don’t. I’ve also lost the urge. I guess we’ve both made peace with this new phase of our lives.”
Click here to read what others are saying about this article on Instagram
If you want to share your own story, I’d love to hear it here.
