On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages, to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.
Ummi* (28) married young, survived a turbulent partnership, and has spent the last few years trying, and failing, to find her person. In this story, she talks about her dating experiences and the lessons they’ve taught her.
What’s your relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I like to say I’m single, but my dating life is complicated. I recently reconnected with someone from my past who’s already talking about marriage, but since my first marriage ended when I was 24, I’ve been very skeptical about the whole idea.
Let’s go back a bit. Can you walk me through your first marriage?
I met Kamal* in 2017 through mutual friends. I was in a relationship at the time, so it was strictly platonic. But as I became more religious, my views on dating changed. I needed marriage to be on the horizon, but my boyfriend was not aligned, so I ended things. It was a painful breakup.
Kamal and I got closer soon after. He introduced me to his Arabic school, and we spent a lot of time together. When he brought up marriage, it felt right. We got married in 2018.
That sounds nice. What were the early days like?
The first few months seemed fine. We lived with his parents temporarily, and I adapted to their lifestyle. I started to dress in a full hijab and took care of household duties with his mum.
Looking back, I overlooked several red flags. For example, he left me alone on our wedding night to go see his friend. He also got angry over the smallest things. If he misplaced something, he’d blame me. I felt like I had to constantly overcompensate to earn basic affection.
Unfortunately, things got worse when we moved into our own place.
In what ways?
We fought all the time. Cooking was the biggest source of conflict. I cooked for him even though I didn’t enjoy it, yet he still insulted my food every chance he got. His mother would show up unannounced to cook, blaming me for why he was skinny, even though he had always been that way.
The pressure to have children also grew. I had just started my master’s and was still serving, but that didn’t matter to his family.
Then, at the start of 2020, I had an ectopic pregnancy with internal bleeding. I only went to the hospital because I had painful cramps. Kamal said I was exaggerating, but the doctors told me I needed immediate surgery. When I told him, it took him over an hour to arrive. He was only fifteen minutes away.
After the surgery, I developed sepsis. I had to be hospitalised for three months, but my husband only visited twice. Once I was better, I decided I wanted a divorce.
How did he respond?
He called a family meeting and twisted the whole situation. Instead of addressing what happened, he accused me of being in contact with my ex from uni. He painted me as a cheating wife, even though we were only cordial.
I was financially dependent on him, so I felt pressured to apologise and return. I eventually went back, but I quietly decided to never have children with him.
Did things improve at all after you returned?
It didn’t. The fights continued, and his insecurities only intensified. If I worked late, he would accuse me of cheating, saying things like I was trying to bring another man’s child into his home. This was barely months after my surgeries.
He didn’t want me to work either. Yet somehow I was “full of myself” because I had graduated with a first class and started earning, even though he also had a first class and earned more.
Eventually, I told him we were not compatible and insisted on the divorce. He agreed, and we started the iddah waiting period. I moved into a separate room and we started living like strangers.
Then, in November 2020, I caught COVID. It was mild, so I didn’t need to be isolated. But when he came home and saw me in the kitchen, he screamed at me, saying I was trying to infect him. When I ignored him, he followed me and slapped me multiple times.
That was my last straw. I called my parents to pick me up and left for good.
That must’ve been incredibly traumatic. How did you move on from that?
Leaving that marriage pushed me away from religion for a while. I stopped wearing my hijab and started living life on my own terms. For almost a year, I didn’t date because I was scared of men. But in 2022, I began talking to Wole* and softened.
Tell me more about Wole.
We’d known each other since 2018 through a friend, but we weren’t close. When he visited my city in 2022, we ran into each other and started hanging out. Over two weeks of spending time together, I realised I liked him, and he admitted he’d had a crush on me for years.
Although I didn’t like long-distance relationships, we stayed connected after he left. We spoke every day, watched movies together, and sometimes fell asleep on the phone. After three weeks, we made it official.
However, in early 2022, I began the process of relocating abroad. The plan was for him to work towards joining me, but when I got my visa, he avoided the conversation.
His behaviour also changed. On one of my visits, he refused to touch me, which was unusual. Then I noticed a particular female friend was always hanging around him. Later, I found a pack of open condoms in his room.
He denied cheating, but I knew he was lying. Around the same time, I started checking out of the relationship and even ended up having a fling with a friend. It was brief and more about vulnerability than desire. I knew I couldn’t be with him long term, so when it was time for me to travel at the end of 2022, we ended things.
Did you try dating again after relocating?
Yes. A friend introduced me to Adam*, and we clicked immediately. I liked that we shared similar values and rarely argued.
Six months in, after I posted him online, an anonymous account began leaving comments under my posts asking if I knew who he really was. When I blocked them, they started sending me emails claiming to know some things he was hiding from me.
He denied hiding anything from me, but my lack of trust affected the relationship. Around that same time, we also clashed over children. I told him I didn’t plan to have kids, but he insisted on wanting three. With both issues combined, I ended the relationship.
You mentioned reconnecting with someone from your past. Where do things stand now?
A few months ago, I reconnected with Wole* after a friend encouraged me to speak to him. We slipped back into our old pattern of talking every day. I realised my feelings never really went away. He’s talking about dating and working towards marriage, but I’ve told him we need to move slowly.
Don’t the reasons for the first breakup still exist?
We’ve talked about that. The distance is still an issue, but he’s working towards relocating. I’ve told him that until he actually makes that move, I’m not committing to anything. I still love him, but I want to be practical.
Fair enough. How have these experiences shaped your idea of love?
They’ve made me clearer about what I want. My standards are higher. I no longer shrink myself to make relationships work. Nearly all my heartbreaks came from incompatibility, and now I know to take that seriously. Through it all, I still believe in finding my person.
Finally, how are the streets treating you? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.
I’d give it 2/10. The streets are cold. Despite everything, I still love love. I miss having my own person.
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