After an intense first love that ended badly and a drawn-out situationship with someone he never even met, Ryan* (24) has decided the dating scene isn’t worth the emotional toll. He shares how heartbreak, trauma, and mismatched expectations have left him disillusioned about love.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’m not in a relationship at the moment, and I’m very much at peace. Sometimes, loneliness creeps in, but when I weigh the cons against the pros, I’ll take my peace of mind over the stress of relationships.
How did you get here?
I’ve felt this way pretty much since I ended my first and last proper relationship with Evelyn* in 2023. Before that, I’d been with her since 2021. That was the only time I was truly in love, and even then, it didn’t last.
We first connected on social media in 2020. We’d interact occasionally until she sent me a private message to continue one of our playful exchanges from the timeline. We chatted on and off at first, then more seriously after a few months. I was still in school then, and because of the distance between us, we didn’t make things official until I moved back to Lagos in 2021. I asked her to be my girlfriend the first day we met in person.
Sweet. What were those early days like?
Bittersweet. I enjoyed the relationship, but we fought a lot. I didn’t have a clear idea of what to expect because it was my first relationship. I quickly realised I was now responsible for someone else’s feelings in a way I’d never experienced before, and it was a lot to handle, especially with other things going on in my life. We started arguing more frequently, and I struggled to express myself.
Why?
I wasn’t doing well mentally. Old trauma resurfaced from a sexual assault incident that had happened in the past. Whenever we fought, I just zoned out. I wasn’t really accountable for her feelings, and that hurt her. I’d also just started making music professionally, which took much of my time.
I see. So, how did the relationship end?
I had to leave Lagos for a while. By mid-2022, I decided to end things. It wasn’t that I’d stopped loving her; it was more a combination of circumstances and my emotional exhaustion at the time.
But we didn’t stay apart for long. A few weeks later, I reached out and begged her to take me back because I missed her. She was reluctant at first, but we eventually got back together. Still, it wasn’t a full reconciliation. We were on and off, without officially calling it a relationship. She used the fact that I’d ended things before as a free pass to act however she wanted.
Please tell me more.
She refused to be accountable to me. Even though I was working through my trauma and trying to make the relationship better, she refused to put in any real effort. Sometimes, it felt like she went out of her way to spite me. I’ll never forget one of our messiest fights in 2023. We had planned to attend a hangout together, but she stood me up and showed up with another guy. Right in front of me, she went home with him.
It really hurt me. Yet, even after that, I was still hooked on her for a while. Things were never the same between us, but it took me months to finally accept the reality and cut things off for good.
Sorry about that. Did you try to move on with someone else?
Yes. While I was dealing with the heartbreak in 2023, I met Bimi* on Instagram. She slid into my DMs, but I ignored her for the first week or two because I was still sore from my relationship with Evelyn. Eventually, I replied, and we clicked quickly.
But every time we planned to meet, something came up. We lived in different cities, and she was terrible at communicating. At one point, I had business in her city and invited her to hang out or stay over. After all my planning, she stood me up. Even after that, she kept popping in and out of my life, promising to meet and then bailing last minute. The last straw was a few months ago when I found out she’d been in my city for weeks without telling me. When I asked if we could finally see, she said she was leaving. By then, I was over it. She’d been doing this for two years.
Wait, you were “together” for two years but never met?
Yes. It was weird. I suspected it was intentional, but she always denied it. From the start, we agreed to keep it casual, since I didn’t think I could sustain a proper relationship after Evelyn. But even that was exhausting because she was cold, insatiable, and constantly asked for things that felt impossible. If I gave her what she wanted, she’d act like it was nothing and ask for more.
Things like what?
She nearly drained me financially and never considered that I was just an upcoming artist. There were so many unreasonable expenses with her. One time, she asked me to fund a trip with her friends. When I refused, she held it against me for weeks. I hadn’t even sponsored myself on a trip. Most of my funds went into my music, but she didn’t care to understand.
Whenever I decided I was done with her, she’d bombard me with texts and calls and try to use emotional blackmail. All this for someone I’d never even met? I had to pack it up.
Fair enough. So, where do things stand now?
We still talk occasionally, but from my end, it’s over. I’ve moved on and mentally detached. I even had a short fling a few months ago, and it confirmed I was over her because I didn’t feel any guilt.
How have these experiences shaped your idea of love?
I’d describe love as more of an illusion. I was very excited about getting into my first relationship because of all the things I expected it to be. But I’ve now realised relationships are monotonous. You keep experiencing the same patterns and disappointments. You get tired before trying because you already know what comes next.
Hmm. Do you see yourself dating again in the long run?
Not right now. I’m not interested in relationships or marriage. Loneliness might tempt me sometimes, but it’s always temporary. Staying single feels like choosing the lesser poison. It also feels good because I don’t have to face the emotional trauma that resurfaced while I was in relationships.
So, how would you say the streets are treating you? Rate it on a scale of 1-10
I’d give it a 5/10. It’s not great, but compared to my last relationship? I’ll take it. At least out here, I can control my peace and avoid the kind of emotional rollercoaster that nearly drained me before.
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