I like to think of the institution of marriage the same way I think about the multiverse. For every story about a shitty marriage, there is a marriage out there flourishing and being enjoyed so much by its participants that they can’t believe how lucky they’ve gotten. Whether it’s because they realised they don’t have to conform to society’s definition of marriage or they got to a point where they don’t have to perform for each other, the reason doesn’t matter. All that matters is that they’re happy.
We asked a couple of Nigerians to share the moments that made them pause and realise that this marriage thing sweet die.
“I realised my husband doesn’t need me to cook” — Fimi*, 28, F
After being married for a year, one of Fimi’s favourite moments was realising that her husband doesn’t need her to stress herself cooking.
“I grew up doing all the chores, and grew to hate them, especially cooking. When I started my career, I leaned into paying for convenience. During our courtship, I told him I’d easily resent him if I were required to cook, and he said he didn’t need me to cook because life is not that hard.
We got married, and I was cooking fairly regularly. I just felt like I wasn’t being a good wife if we ate out most of the time. One day, we were talking about our feeding budget, and I got defensive because it was higher than if I had cooked more. He looked at me confused, and at the end of that conversation, I realised that the confusion was not from a ‘man-no-dey-enter-kitchen’ side but more that he genuinely doesn’t care if I don’t cook. As far as he’s concerned, I lose time cooking anyway.
When I realised that I don’t have to feel bad because I don’t cook often, I felt a relief I can’t describe. When he feels like cooking, he cooks, and he always makes enough for two, even when I’m not hungry. Plus, he’s really good at it. Marriage sweet die when you’re married to someone who treats you like a peer.”
“My wife taught me that I could relax around her” — Chike*, 37, M
Chike has been married for four years, but one of his favourite moments came after a particularly hard day of work in the first year.
“I grew up in a home where the men were always ‘on’. The role of the man was to hustle and provide. When my wife and I started dating, I presented myself as the guy who could handle everything.
Eight months into our marriage, I came home from work one day exhausted. I had a lot on my plate and still planned to work into the night. My wife took one look at me and said, ‘Babe, go and sleep. Everything else can wait.’ She literally closed my laptop, dragged me to bed, spoon-fed me dinner and covered me with a duvet. I slept like a baby that night. By the time I woke up the next morning, she’d made breakfast and even laid out what I would wear to work that day.
That’s still one of my favourite moments to date. It was when I realised I didn’t have to perform for my wife, I could lean on her when things got tough for me. Since then, I just keep thinking, ‘Ah, I really married well.’”
“The way he responded to our first big fight let me know he was my forever person” — Dara*, 31, F
For Dara, even though she’s been married for three years, the moment she realised she genuinely enjoyed marriage came on the heels of their first big fight.
“We were barely six months in, and we had this huge argument over our finances. I was already shutting down emotionally, waiting for the kind of flippant responses I’d gotten used to hearing in my past relationships.
Instead, that night as we were prepping for bed, my husband sat me down and said, ‘I don’t want us to sleep until we resolve this.’ I didn’t even know how to argue again because no one had ever tried to actually talk things through with me so intentionally.
That day, something inside me softened. I realised I was married to a man who saw disagreements as problems we solved together, not something to be won by either party. I knew right then that we were going to last forever.”
“My husband assured me he’ll say ‘no’ for me if it gets too hard to handle” — Bimbo*, 42, F
In her eighteen years of experience as a wife, Bimbo is constantly reminded that marriage is sweet when she remembers that her husband will also help her say no.
“During the early years of my marriage, I ran myself ragged trying to accommodate everyone from my own family to my in-laws. It made me especially irritable during the holidays or when we had events. This was because I would make sure that we housed some of the guests, and I made myself the catering supervisor, so I hardly enjoyed any family parties.
When I was pregnant with my second child in 2011, we had to travel to Ondo State for a family event. I was sorting out catering over the phone, and I got so frustrated that I burst into tears. When my husband asked why, I told him how stressful it was for me to oversee the catering at the events, and I didn’t want his family to see me as lazy or uninvolved. He told me I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do, and right there, he called one of his younger cousins to sort out the catering. He also said if I was afraid of turning anyone down, I should send them to him, and he’d take the job of saying ‘no’ from me.
Since then, he has made sure I only do the lightest work possible at family events, and I enjoy myself to the max at every event. I feel that joy every time I find myself relaxing at an event that would usually have left me feeling tired and exhausted.”
“People like my wife so much that they give me special treatment” – James*, 62, M
In his twenty-nine years of marriage, James has experienced the benefits of being married to someone with a great personality.
“There are many moments in my time as a married man that made me know that marriage is sweet. My wife is a woman of excellent character, and she has an amazing, accommodating personality that makes people treat me well as a result.
Once, in 2005, I was negotiating with a provisions seller over some goods I wanted to buy. I felt like I wasn’t getting a reasonable price, so I called my wife to find out how much she thought I should pay for them. When I said her name, the seller immediately perked up, ‘Is that Sewa* you’re talking to?’ I said ‘Yes, she’s my wife’ and the entire tone of the negotiations changed. Apparently, my wife had helped her pay her sibling’s school fees a few years back. She raved about how nice my wife was and gave me a fantastic price on all the things I bought.
That wasn’t the last time. There have been several more occasions where I have gone to a place with my wife and gotten preferential treatment because she had helped people in the past or because they are drawn to her warm personality. She’s like a mini celebrity in our neighbourhood. Each time I get a freebie because of my relationship with her, I feel so lucky, and it makes me happy to be her husband.”
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