After Adesoji* (56) lost the love of his life in a tragic car crash nearly three decades ago, he buried any hope of romantic companionship and embraced a quiet life of solitude.
But after a friend’s gentle push, he decided to try love again through an arranged marriage with Yejide* (38). What was meant to be a peaceful partnership quickly spiralled into a year of manipulation, violence, and fear.
Now, Adesoji is certain of one thing: he will never walk down the aisle again.
This is Adesoji’s story as told to Betty
Before 2021, I had never been married. I was already in my 50s, and I had resigned myself to spending the rest of my life alone. I was fine with that.
When I was 27, the love of my life died in a car accident on her way to Abuja to see me. I never really recovered from that loss. My interest in dating or meeting new people dried up, and I threw myself completely into my work.
By 2019, I was making a good living running two businesses. But I saw that the economy was getting worse, so I decided to move to the UK and get a Master’s degree. By 2021, I had gotten my admission and moved abroad. During my program, I became very good friends with Mayowa*, a younger classmate of mine. He was in his 30s and, like me, had left a nice career — one in banking — to seek greener pastures in the UK.
One weekend, while we were out at a pub, Mayowa asked if I had family back in Nigeria. I told him that other than my two siblings and their own families, I was alone. He seemed shocked and asked why. I opened up to him about the loss of my girlfriend and how I no longer had any interest in dating. Mayowa insisted it wasn’t healthy for me to retreat into myself and encouraged me to start dating or consider marriage for companionship.
I tried to dodge it by saying I didn’t know the first thing about modern dating, but Mayowa suggested an arranged marriage instead. At first, I laughed it off, but I later began to give it a lot of thought. I had always yearned for a family, but the death of my girlfriend numbed my desire to chase that dream. The feeling was strongest whenever I saw my siblings with their own families, so I decided to give it a shot.
In January 2022, I told Mayowa to help me get a wife, and he was ecstatic. A few months later, he introduced me to a sister of his close friend. Yejide* was in her late 30s, had never been married and was open to moving in with me after we married. She was beautiful, and over the phone, she seemed pleasant and kind.
I told her about my past love because I wanted to be as transparent as possible, and she said she was fine with it. We spoke about adopting a child after a few years of marriage because I didn’t want to put her health at risk. By all accounts, we were compatible and shared the same ideals. We put all the things we agreed on together in a pre-nuptial agreement, and we put our marriage plans in motion.
That summer, I went back to Nigeria to see her people and pay her dowry. By September 2022, we had gotten married, and she had moved in with me in my apartment in the UK.
Adjusting to married life was a bit hard on both of us — I was used to being alone, and she was in a new environment. I was willing to ease into things, but Yejide’s character completely changed after two weeks of living together.
Gone was the sweet woman who would sit with me and drink tea at the end of our day. Instead, she started leaving the house early in the morning and coming back late at night. When I asked her where she went, she told me to shut up and mind my business. I thought she was just irritable and left it alone, but things started escalating. She started sleeping in the guest room and removing any dishes I used from the dishwasher, so she washed only the dishes she used.
I thought I was the problem so I confided in Mayowa after a month. He seemed surprised and took it up with her older brother, who tried to speak to her. Yejide came home after he spoke to her and said, “You’re reporting me to my family abi? I’ll show you.”
And show me she did. There’s no maltreatment I didn’t suffer at this woman’s hands. She spat on me, poured hot tea on me, and regularly hit me, threatening to call the police and accuse me of domestic violence. For the year our marriage lasted, she made my life a living hell.
On our first anniversary, I filed for divorce, but Yejide’s reaction when I told her was unexpected. She laughed and seemed very happy. She bragged that her sister told her the UK is a woman’s land and that if she got me to file for divorce, she’d get half of all my businesses, properties, and money. Yejide said she was going to become a ‘big woman’ with the money and kick me out of the house.
It was finally my turn to laugh. She clearly didn’t understand what the pre-nup meant or what effect that would have on our divorce settlement. I told her to get a lawyer to look it over before celebrating. In our pre-nup, she wouldn’t be entitled to a red kobo if our marriage ended before the ten-year mark. She and her family started begging me to reconcile.
It felt very strange watching her try to revert to the way she acted before we got married. I felt unsafe and moved out to stay with Mayowa until the divorce was settled, and she went back to Nigeria. It took a few months, but eventually, the divorce was finalised. I’m back to living alone.
I’m now certain I’ll never be able to trust anyone the way I trusted my late girlfriend, or even Yejide at the start. The dating pool feels completely different these days; it’s like people are constantly looking for someone to exploit or turn into a get-rich-quick scheme. I’ve earned my master’s degree and am considering a PhD. If I still want a child or a family by the time I’m 60, I’ll just bring one of my nieces or nephews to live with me.
The thought of opening myself up to another person terrifies me. I’ve been in therapy for the abuse I experienced at Yejide’s hands, but I don’t think it’s helped much. I get anxious whenever a woman flirts with me, and when people ask about my relationship status, I lie and say I’m still married.
I think remarrying will reduce the peace of mind I currently enjoy now that I’m free of Yejide, so I don’t think I’ll be doing that again.
