For many queer people in Nigeria, relationships don’t end only because feelings fade. Sometimes, partners walk away to pursue straight relationships that feel safer or more acceptable to their families and society. In a country where heterosexuality is often seen as the only acceptable option, queer relationships can feel fragile and easy to abandon.
In this story, queer Nigerians open up about a specific kind of heartbreak: losing a partner not because the love faded, but because they chose, or felt pressure to choose, heterosexuality.
“She became afraid of what we shared” — Jolade*, 25, Bisexual
Jolade shares how her first big love fizzled out after her ex couldn’t face the reality of her sexuality and pulled back.
“I met my former partner two years ago at church. We were part of the social media team and paired to work on a project together. In the process, we became close. We hung out even after the project ended, and it eventually morphed into something else.
We both knew we were queer before meeting, but that was the first queer relationship either of us had been in. It went well at first, but when we got physical, she began to pull away.
She claimed she felt guilty about what we were doing, and insisted God wasn’t happy with us. Then she said she didn’t want to like it too much and had to stop and get with a guy while she still could — whatever that meant. We officially broke up after a year, although things between us ended long before then.
I was hurt for a long time after we fizzled out. I tried to shut down the part of me that liked girls, but it didn’t work. It’s been a long road to accepting myself and trying to reconcile my faith and sexuality. It’s an ongoing and perhaps lifelong process. I haven’t found closure yet. I think a door is still open in my mind for her because she was my first great love. I’m not holding my breath that she’ll come back, though.”
“She told me she was getting married to a man” — Rukayah*, 25, Non-binary pansexual
Rukayah shares the heartbreak they felt when their ex told them she was getting married on the day of her wedding.
“My ex and I met at university. Her room was right next to mine, and we bonded over our shared love for movies and our favourite celebrities. We became best friends, and I got comfortable enough to come out to her. She came out to me as bisexual in return.
A short while later, we realised we had feelings for each other and started a casual sexual relationship. I didn’t think my feelings for her were so strong, but after she graduated a year before I did, I realised I wanted to make her mine. So, I asked her out, and we started dating.
I noticed things were off when she’d say she wished I were a chishet man, so everything will be a lot easier, ’ or talk about how scared she felt to enter the relationship because she’s the first daughter of her muslim parents. They’d expect marriage from her as soon as she graduated. I didn’t think too deeply about it because I know how hard it is to be queer in a place like Nigeria.
Then, in May 2023, she ghosted me. I started to worry about her safety, especially her mental health. One day, I woke up to a 3:00 a.m. message from her saying she was having her wedding introduction later that day, she didn’t know how to tell me, and she was sorry.
I was her best friend, but she never mentioned any man. I didn’t know if there had ever been a proposal or an official engagement.
I was gutted. A part of me always worried about our future as queer people living in Nigeria. It made me wonder where we’d end up. I stopped dating bisexual women who partner with cishet men after that. It made me develop bad insecurity and trust issues.
I don’t think I’ve gotten any closure from that experience. My ex wasn’t willing to talk about it after she apologised for hurting me and being selfish. I had to do the work of healing and coming to terms with the entire experience on my own. Fortunately, I’m the kind of person who loves love, and I’ve had the opportunity to love and experience some awesome people as a result. ”
“I saw him with his girlfriend on campus” — Emeka*, 28, Gay
Emeka recalls how his ex hurt him by not giving him the courtesy of a break-up message.
“We met at school and got close when we took the same elective course in our third year. After class, we’d walk back to my hostel cafeteria for lunch, and soon we started hanging out even when we didn’t have that course.
I was attracted to him from the start, and I tried to hide it, but he constantly flirted with me when we were alone. One day, he visited my apartment off campus, and we had sex. It was amazing for me. We weren’t officially together, but we spent a lot of time together and saw each other at least once or twice a week for the rest of our third year.
When we resumed for final year, I suddenly couldn’t reach him. He stopped visiting and ignored my messages and calls. I started to worry because I didn’t know his friends or how else to reach him. During that resumption week, as I headed to class, I saw him walking with a babe. I waved at him, and he just looked away like he didn’t see me.
It stung, I won’t lie. I felt disposable. I still tried to contact him just to get some closure. I wanted him to at least say we were through, but he just blocked me. After that, it became tough for me to open up again. I didn’t even try to date anyone until after I graduated. I still have trust issues. I don’t fuck with bisexual or pansexual men at all. I think there’s a part of me that’s still afraid of getting dumped without a hint of care.”
“She seemed removed from her sexuality” — Sarah*, 25, Bisexual
Sarah shares how her first girl crush opened her eyes to her bisexuality and how she handled it when she chose another guy over her.
“We met in school, and I was always attracted to her, but I hadn’t yet accepted that I liked women. We went to a party together off-campus, and I remember hoping I’d get to kiss her during a kissing game. She came with a guy she was seeing, but I didn’t mind because I liked him too.
After that, we became friends who sometimes made out, but nothing more. In public, she spent more time with the guy. I still liked her, but the more we talked, the more I noticed that she had distanced herself from her queerness, and that’s not where I am at all.
I’m comfortable with my sexuality and don’t feel any need to compensate or hide. I’ve moved on and kept exploring my options. The experience with her didn’t really affect how I saw myself or my identity. I was hurt when I realised that she wasn’t going to choose me, but that was about it.”
“She popped out on Instagram with a boyfriend” — Wura*, 24, Non-binary Lesbian
Wura shares how their situationship ended when their ex started dating a guy out of fear of being outed.
“I met her at a party off campus, and we were immediately drawn to each other. She told me she was bisexual and joked that I’d ruin her for boys after we kissed. She was still deep in the closet when we started our situationship. She didn’t like me touching her in public, but I thought she was just being careful because of how homophobic people can be, especially in the North.
One day, during a visit to her hostel, her roommates were joking about the way I dressed and asked her if I was her husband. She laughed, but I felt something change between us after that. She started pulling back and took longer and longer to respond to my messages. Then, one day, she stopped replying altogether..
I’d already started to worry after a week of no contact when one of our mutual friends sent me a link to her post. She’d hard-launched a boyfriend on her page.
It felt like whiplash. I tried to reach out to her for an explanation, but she just kept saying she was sorry. I got upset and blocked her everywhere for my peace of mind. I’m not sure if I’ve gotten closure from that split. We weren’t even official, so it feels like mourning something that never was.
It made me feel a bit insecure, but I’ve since overcome that, thanks to my community. I understand her fear, though. I just wish she’d tried to talk to me about it so we could end things properly. It hurt, but thankfully, I’m over it.”
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