Faith* (19) grew up with parents locked in a tumultuous marriage. Years of constant fights and her mother’s unkind words have worn her down.
While she knows she can’t keep accepting the insults and emotional abuse, she’s still unsure what the next phase of their relationship will look like.
This is Faith’s story, as told to Betty:
I was seven the day my mum beat me so badly that my dad had to step in.
I don’t even remember what I did wrong. I just remember the shouting. I remember my dad yelling that she’d gone too far, and my mum screaming back that he had no right to correct her. What started as a fight over me quickly turned physical. By the end of it, my mum had broken a wrist, and my dad walked away with bruises.
Later that day, I went to check on her.
I was scared and worried about her injury, but the moment I got close, she pushed me away. She looked at me and said I was the reason her marriage was falling apart. That everything wrong between her and my dad started with me.
I was seven, yet I believed her.
As far back as I can remember, my parents’ marriage has had problems. Growing up, I never gave it much thought. Their fights were frequent and distracting, and I learned to get used to them.
My dad is a warm and accommodating person. He’s not perfect, but his calm nature made it easy for me to be close to him. My mum and I, on the other hand, never had that kind of relationship. Even my earliest memories of her are tainted by the resentment and bitterness that she took out on my brother and me because of her troubled marriage.
It wasn’t a one-off occurrence; as I grew older, it got worse. I quickly learned how to keep my head down and stay out of her way. Still, no matter how hard I tried or how careful I was, our relationship worsened.
Things escalated in 2021.
My dad was a government worker who worked out of state. During the week, he stayed in Ogun*, then returned to Lagos* on weekends. That year, he lost over ₦500,000 to a bad business deal. It was a terrible time for it to happen. My older brother had just gained university admission, and my parents needed the money.
My mum never forgave my dad for getting scammed.
They fought constantly over the loss, and this time, the arguments were uglier. They said things to each other that I don’t think either of them can take back. It got so bad that my mum walked away from the marriage. My dad moved out of the house, leaving only my older brother, my mum, and me.
It was a big adjustment to make. My dad’s personality acted as a buffer for my mum’s irritability. Leaving her with us meant she could be as resentful and abusive as she chose without caution.
Not long after, my older brother also left for university.
With my brother and dad gone, my mum took out everything on me. I became the only person left for her to direct her resentment toward. She’d say the most hurtful things. She said I was the reason for most of the quarrels she had with my dad. She said I was spoilt and ‘useless like my father’. Once, during an argument, she told me she wished the abortion pill she took had worked so she never had me. It broke my spirit. She was supposed to be the person I felt safest with, but she caused me so much pain.
I didn’t have anyone to turn to, and I started crying myself to sleep every night.
Since my dad left, my mum has also tried to cut him out of my life completely. She insists that if she doesn’t want him anymore, neither should I. But I love my dad, so we’ve been meeting behind her back.
I enjoy learning about what’s happening in his life. He has his own place in town now and has even started seeing someone new. I’m not sure how I feel about it, I only know that it feels good to be around him again.
My mum is so adamant about cutting him off that she won’t even accept the upkeep money he sends. She calls it ‘evil money’. Instead, my dad sends it to my older brother, and that’s the only way I get financial support from him at all.
The last few years have drained me mentally and emotionally.
I know my mum’s behaviour isn’t acceptable. I know her actions have created a distance between her and the rest of our family. But even with all of that, I don’t know if I have it in me to cut her off. I still feel attached to her even though she’s unkind to me.
I want to break free and escape her constant emotional abuse, but I’m not ready yet. For now, I’m just going to wait and see where life takes us.
READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: I Refuse To Cook Another Meal
