On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages, to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.
Victor* (43) thought he’d found the woman he would spend the rest of his life with. Then a devastating accident changed everything. Years later, his second chance at love ended just as painfully.
In this episode of On the Streets, he opens up about his dating history and why he’s made peace with walking through life alone.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’m separated from my wife, so I’m single. It isn’t the life I imagined, but I’ve made peace with it.
How did you get here? Walk me through your dating history
The first woman I truly loved was someone I met at university. I met Anita* during my third year in 2010. She was a first-year student who was always around her cousin, one of my close friends.
I developed a crush on her almost immediately, but I didn’t confess my feelings until she got to her second year. We started dating in 2011.
I’ve never met anyone I was more compatible with. It was a beautiful relationship. We understood each other, had similar personalities and hardly fought.
About nine months into the relationship, we started talking seriously about marriage. We both wanted it, but the timing wasn’t right.
Her parents wanted her to finish university first. By the time she graduated in 2015, I’d started my master’s degree and couldn’t afford a wedding yet. The plan was to marry after I completed my programme.
Unfortunately, life had other plans.
What happened?
In September 2015, Anita was crossing an expressway when a driver going against the traffic hit her and sped off. I didn’t even know anything had happened until I called her that evening. Someone else answered her phone and told me she was unconscious in the hospital.
I’ll never forget walking into that ward and seeing her lying there with tubes and machines. After several scans, the doctors told us she’d suffered a severe spinal injury.
I’m so sorry. Did she recover?
She was unconscious for two days. When she finally woke up, she couldn’t move anything below her neck. She kept saying she couldn’t feel her body. We all broke down in tears.
After about five weeks in the hospital, the doctors said there wasn’t much more they could do. They hoped physiotherapy would help, but there were no guarantees.
How did the accident affect your relationship?
She became a different person. The cheerful woman I knew disappeared. She cried often and was angry most of the time.
Whenever I tried to encourage her, she’d say I didn’t understand what she was going through. We started arguing, even while she was still in the hospital.
Eventually, her mum took her back to the east because they believed she’d receive better care there.
Right. Did long distance work?
We tried. At first, we spoke every day, then she started withdrawing.
Sometimes she’d deliberately ignore my calls or ask her mum to say she wasn’t in the mood to speak.
I visited her that December. I wanted to help with things, but she’d get angry whenever I tried. She pushed me away every chance she got. I’d planned to stay for a week, but I left after four days.
After that trip, I promised I’d visit again, but I kept putting it off. Seeing her in that condition was heartbreaking, and the hostility made the thought of visiting emotionally exhausting.
For more than a year, we stayed together, but the relationship was barely surviving. Some days she’d sound hopeful, and we’d have good conversations. Other days, she’d shut me out.
Then I finished my master’s in 2017, and we had to confront the future we’d spent years planning.
Was marriage still on the table?
Honestly, I wasn’t sure anymore. I still loved her, but I also felt overwhelmed. I think she sensed it.
One day, she brought up the conversation herself.
She asked if we should break up because she couldn’t see the point of marriage in her condition. We argued, then she asked me what plans I was making for our future.
When I couldn’t give her a concrete answer, she said she didn’t want someone marrying her out of pity. She wasn’t in the right headspace for marriage. Then she ended the relationship.
How did you take the breakup?
It hurt, especially because she didn’t even want us to stay friends or keep in touch.
But alongside the heartbreak, I also felt relief. And that’s the part I’ve struggled to forgive myself for. I could’ve fought harder for the relationship. Instead, I chose the easier path.
Around the same time, the university offered me a lecturing position after my master’s, so I buried myself in work.
Did you ever fall in love again?
Not for years. I avoided serious relationships because I convinced myself Anita was the one for me. I didn’t want to risk getting my heart broken again.
That was until I met Godiya* in 2021. I spotted her from behind while having lunch at a canteen because I thought she was someone I knew. When she turned around, I’d mistaken her for someone else.
I apologised, but we ended up talking. She was a master’s student in another faculty, and from that first conversation, I was drawn to how warm and charismatic she was. I initially intended to keep things casual, but before long, we started dating.
After she completed her programme, she relocated to Abuja. We continued long distance, and I proposed soon afterwards.
We got married in 2022.
What was married life like?
It started well, but it didn’t take long before I noticed things I’d overlooked while we were dating.
Godiya always wanted things done her way. She was quite selfish, and I constantly found myself adjusting to keep the peace.
We met while I was lecturing in Niger State, but after the wedding, she refused to move there. She wanted me to transfer to Abuja instead. I agreed to relocate eventually, but every transfer opportunity fell through.
It became such an issue that both our families got involved. Eventually, they persuaded her to move to Niger.
Did things improve after that?
Not really. She never made any effort to settle in Niger. She didn’t look for a job, so everything fell on me.
I even set up a business for her so she’d have something productive to do. She sold the first batch of stock, spent the money on other things and never continued the business.
I became increasingly frustrated. Some days, I’d stay late at the office because I’d rather be at work than go home.
Less than a year into our marriage, she got pregnant.
Did that help your relationship?
I hoped it would. I thought becoming parents would bring us closer.
Instead, things got worse. She became even more irritable, and after our daughter was born, the tension only grew. Sometimes she’d speak to me with so much hostility that I’d wonder what I’d done to deserve so much resentment.
Eventually, she told me she’d found a job in Abuja and wanted to move back. I was reluctant to let her leave because of our daughter, but I convinced myself the distance might help us. So I agreed.
Did it help?
The distance finished what was left of our marriage. She rarely visited and always had reasons why I couldn’t come to Abuja. Even when I managed to visit, she’d ask how long I planned to stay. I barely got to spend time with my daughter.
At some point, it stopped feeling like a marriage. We’ve practically been separated since 2024, so I wasn’t surprised when she asked for a divorce last year. The process is still ongoing, but emotionally, I’ve accepted that the marriage is over.
I also heard rumours that Godiya was in a serious relationship with another man. I’ve always suspected she’d been involved with him before our marriage ended, although she never felt she owed me an explanation.
Have you been able to move on?
In a way. Earlier this year, I started seeing a colleague. Once she started talking about marriage and our future together, I realised I wasn’t ready for that.
After everything I’d been through, I can’t imagine getting married again.
How have these experiences shaped the way you see love and relationships?
Marriage doesn’t fix incompatibility. If two people aren’t truly aligned, getting married won’t change that.
I’ve also learnt that you can do everything possible to make someone happy, compromise your own needs and keep trying. But if their mind is off, nothing you do will ever be enough.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate them on a scale of 1 to 10.
8/10. Ironically, this has been the most peaceful period of my adult life.
My career is thriving. I’ve earned my doctorate, and my next goal is to become a professor before I turn 50. That’s where all my energy is going now.
The only thing that still hurts is being away from my daughter. Once everything is finalised, I hope to get her back. I want her to know that her father has never stopped caring about her.
Read Next: Married Nigerians Get Honest About Their First Years Together
