In the first episode of Zikoko’s 100 Nigerians: Anatomy of a Marriage, we asked married Nigerians to reflect on what it really takes to build a marriage, especially in the early years.
From newlyweds still riding the honeymoon high to couples who struggled to adjust after saying “I do,” these stories reveal the compromises, surprises and hard lessons that shape married life.
“Marriage opened doors I never expected” — Ibrahim*, 30
Money was one of the reasons I hesitated to get married. I loved my wife, but I didn’t feel financially ready. I worried that marriage would add more pressure to an already uncertain situation.
But from the beginning, my wife’s family treated me like one of their own. Her brother, especially, played a huge role in our lives. He supported us when we were starting out and eventually connected me to the opportunity that led to my current job.
People talk about the financial responsibilities that come with marriage, but I never expected it could also open doors.
“Relocating abroad pushed us apart” — Uzo,* 31
A few months after we got married in 2024, my wife and I relocated to Canada. Before then, I imagined marriage would automatically mean more time together and a better sex life. Instead, the opposite happened.
We worked different shifts, so by the time I got home, she was leaving for work. When she returned, I was already gone. We were both trying to stay afloat financially in a new country, and our lives revolved around work.
The hardest lesson was realising that love alone wasn’t enough. Marriage still required effort and intention.
Things only improved after our first year, when we became more financially stable and deliberately started prioritising each other.
“Joining our accounts was a big mistake” — Janet*, 29
After our wedding in 2023, my husband suggested we operate a completely joint account. I didn’t mind sharing responsibilities, but we had very different attitudes towards money. I like saving and planning ahead. He likes spending.
The disagreements started when he expected complete transparency about my savings, even though he wasn’t contributing nearly as much to the account himself. My breaking point came when he used a large portion of our savings to buy a car we’d never discussed.
I was furious. Eventually, I ended the arrangement altogether. But that experience shaped finances in our marriage going forward. Now, we split household responsibilities and manage our finances separately.
“I gained an entire family” — Ada*, 31
One of my biggest fears about marriage was having in-laws. I’d heard enough horror stories to convince myself there would be tension after the wedding. My husband comes from a very close-knit family, and because they all live near one another, I worried I’d constantly feel overwhelmed or scrutinised.
Instead, they welcomed me with open arms. At first, I assumed they were only making an effort because we were dating and they wanted the relationship to work. But years later, they’re still just as kind, supportive and involved in my life.
Nobody told me one of the best parts of marriage could be gaining a community of people who care about you.
“I struggled to accept I was his second choice” — Biola*, 68
Before I married my husband in 1978, he had been courting my sister. They planned to marry, but while he was away at school, she moved on and married someone else. My father then encouraged him to consider me.
Even after our wedding, I couldn’t shake the insecurity. I constantly compared myself to my sister and struggled to settle into the marriage as a result.
But over the years, we’ve built a beautiful life together. Gradually, I had to stop seeing him as the man who once loved my sister and started seeing him as my husband. Looking back, I’m grateful I didn’t allow those fears to define our marriage.
“Financial decisions were no longer mine alone” — Seun*, 37
I’ve always been close to my family and regularly supported my siblings financially. When I got married in 2019, my wife wasn’t comfortable with how much money I sent home, and we often argued about it.
At the time, I felt frustrated. It was my money, and I believed I should be able to help my family however I wanted. Eventually, I realised she wasn’t trying to stop me from supporting them. She was asking me to think about our future as a family unit.
It took many difficult conversations to find balance. I still support my family, but marriage requires far more compromise than I expected.
“Adjusting together was hard” — Adam*, 29
Before I married my wife, we’d spent time together, but never long enough to see each other’s everyday habits. Then suddenly, we were sharing a home full-time.
She constantly complained about things that seemed insignificant to me, like how I cleaned my sponge or organised my side of the room.
At first, I felt she was being overly critical. Her tone irritated me, and I became defensive.
Over time, I had to accept the reality that marriage is largely about adjustment. We were two people raised differently. Our marriage has worked because I asked for her patience. I’ve also made more effort with the things that matter to her.
“We weren’t prepared for long distance” — Juwayriya*, 33
A few months after we got married in 2023, I got my first major job offer in another state. My husband and I assumed the distance would be temporary, but it has become one of the biggest challenges that’s shaped the start of our marriage.
We rarely see each other because I’m scared of road trips and can’t always afford flights. After the first year on the job, my husband asked me to move back because the arrangement clearly wasn’t working.
The distance has created tension, frustration and constant arguments. But I’m not ready to walk away from a job I worked so hard to get. Two years later, we’re still trying to find a balance.
“I struggled with losing my personal space” — Success*, 37
I struggled with losing my personal space after marriage. I’d spent most of my adult life single and valued my independence.
My husband, on the other hand, wanted to do everything together. He was constantly affectionate and wanted to be involved in every part of my day. It got to the point where I could barely take a shower alone.
I knew it came from love, but I found it overwhelming. I also felt guilty because so many people would love a partner who was that attentive, while all I wanted was some space.
Eventually, I had to talk to him about it. He hated hearing it, but he’s made an effort to respect my boundaries. I’m also still learning how to share my space with someone else.
“I thought marriage would create boundaries with his friends” — Aisha*, 28
One of the biggest surprises of getting married this year was realising my husband’s relationship with his friends wasn’t going to change.
I’d assumed marriage would naturally create more boundaries, but they’re always around. The issue isn’t just how often they visit. I struggle with some of their views and the way they talk about women.
My husband sees them as brothers and insists I’ll eventually warm up to them. But that’s never going to happen.
“I’m not comfortable with my wife’s job” — Matthew*, 35
I’m a 35-year-old man married to a woman who works at a nightclub, and often gets home very late. When we were dating, I didn’t think it would be a problem. I knew what she did for a living and accepted it. But now that we’re married and live together, I’ve found it much harder to adjust than I expected.
There’s something different about waiting up for your spouse at odd hours and knowing you’ll go to bed alone most nights. It has made me realise that some things feel very different once you’re sharing a life with someone.
I’ve tried talking to her about finding ways to adjust her schedule, but she believes I knew exactly what I was signing up for, and she’s not wrong.
“Our marriage started with a family crisis” — Ebuka*, 41
Shortly after our wedding in 2022, my wife’s family went through one crisis after another. Her father was involved in an accident, and not long after, her sister broke her leg and moved in with us for several months.
My wife was always caring for someone or dealing with an emergency.
I understood why she needed to be there for them, but it was hard. We never got the newlywed experience people talk about. We rarely had time alone, and the constant stress left her exhausted.
There were moments I felt frustrated, but I chose to support her through it. Looking back, I’m glad I did.
“I wasn’t prepared for how strict my husband could be” — Mairo*, 49
One of the biggest shocks in my marriage was discovering a side of my husband I’d never seen before.
I knew he was disciplined, but after we got married in 2009, I realised he had very rigid ideas about how a wife should behave. He expected me home at certain times and often got upset when I didn’t meet those expectations.
Early in our marriage, I attended a friend’s party that ended around 10 p.m. By the time I got home, it was close to 11 p.m. My husband refused to let me into the house.
I stood outside and called someone from church to speak to him before he finally opened the gate.
We clashed often over issues like that, but over time we learned each other’s limits and found healthier ways to resolve disagreements. There’s far less friction than there used to be, but he’s still a disciplinarian at heart.
“The honeymoon phase hasn’t ended” — David,* 35
During wedding prep, people warned us that things would change. They said the excitement would fade, and that, eventually, we’d grow tired of each other. Two years later, I’m still waiting for that to happen.
Of course, life hasn’t been smooth. We have bills, responsibilities and far less free time than we did while dating. But my wife is still my favourite person to spend time with.
Maybe it helps that we spent so much time together before marriage. Whatever the reason, I haven’t experienced the boredom people insisted was inevitable. If anything, living together has made us closer.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
