On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages,  to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.

Trigger Warning: Domestic Violence

For Ronke* (60), single life is a hard-won freedom. Pushed into adulthood too soon, she once believed marriage was the ultimate goal. Decades later, she reflects on the relationships that changed her mind.

What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?

I’m single, and it feels good. Imagine being locked in a cage for years and then finally being set free. You wouldn’t want to go back inside. That’s exactly how I’ve felt since my second husband died. 

Oh. How did you arrive at that point? Walk me through your love life.

My first relationship started in 1983, just after I finished Form 5 and wrote my WAEC. My parents wanted me to become a nurse, and I dreamed of attending the Lagos State School of Nursing.

In July that year, I boarded a bus from Ibadan to Lagos to write the entrance exam. During the trip, I met Bode*. He offered me fried yams at a rest stop, and we started talking. He also lived in Ibadan and was travelling for a family function. By the end of the journey, he covered the cab fare to my friend’s place, wrote down his address, and made me promise to visit.

Did you go?

Yes. I could tell he was at least ten years older, but he was kind and seemed mature. I developed a crush on him. When I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I visited about a week later. He was happy to see me and gave me many gifts. That same day, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I come from a very religious background. Both my parents ran a church, so I was sceptical, but he promised to marry me after I finished school. From August, I started visiting him secretly every week, and we slept together each time. I didn’t realise I was pregnant until January 1984.

Wait, how did you find out?

My mother’s friends began gossiping that I was gaining weight and might be pregnant. The rumours got to her, and she called me aside to confront me without my father’s knowledge. I kept denying it until my father, who had been eavesdropping, burst into the room.

He took me to the hospital, and when the tests confirmed I was three months pregnant, he tore my clothes and beat me until I agreed to take him to the man responsible. When we got to Bode’s place, he admitted the pregnancy was his. My father dumped me there with only the clothes on my back and swore that if I ever returned home, he’d kill me.

I’m sorry. What was that moment like for you?

I felt devastated. At just 18, I  had to face motherhood.

What shocked me most was how quickly Bode changed. After my father left, I was crying in his living room when he threatened to slap me if I didn’t shut up. That marked the beginning of an unpleasant future with him. He snapped at me often and beat me. This was the same man who once treated me like a princess.

Did you receive any support from your family during that time?

No. My father cut off all contact with my family. My mum sneaked a few visits, but when my father found out, he beat her and threatened to chase her away. She eventually stopped coming. I felt very lonely. People in Bode’s compound called me a loose girl and avoided me.

I held on to the hope that after having the baby, I could go to school. When my exam results came out and I passed, Bode told me that accepting me and the pregnancy was enough and that I shouldn’t ask him for school fees. He said he didn’t go to school, so why should he waste money on mine?

After I gave birth to my son in June, I realised I couldn’t keep sitting at home. With some money my mother secretly sent me, I started hawking underwear in the market.  Sometimes soldiers chased me away, beat me, and scattered my goods, but I didn’t give up. The business did well, and I eventually saved enough to enrol in secretarial school part-time.

Great. Did your relationship with Bode improve?

Not at all. I had my second child with him, and when I became pregnant with my third child in 1989, he brought another heavily pregnant woman into the house. They had their wedding after she gave birth.

Because we never married officially, he told me I had no right to object, even though the situation hurt deeply. His new wife was hostile and diabolical. About a year into their marriage, I started finding strange items wrapped in cloth under my children’s beds.

Did you consider leaving at that point?

I wanted to, but I had nowhere to go. I was investing most of my money into my education and business. When my second child started falling sick often, fear took over. I finished school in 1991 and started working as a typist. When I was able to save enough money to move out, I picked a fight with Bode and left with my children.

Nice. How was your love life after that?

At first, I avoided relationships. I focused on my career and my children. In 1993, I landed a federal government job, which was a significant achievement, and I felt a great sense of satisfaction.

I only began thinking about marriage again after my father died later that year. His death hurt deeply because we never reconciled. I knew he always wanted to see me married, and that never happened.

I met David* in 1994. He worked in one of the offices in my office complex. He had been flirting with me, and one day I told him my story. He was very empathetic and shared how he also had a child from his younger years. We started courting and got married in 1995.

How was your relationship with David?

He treated me kindly, but we fought often because he drank heavily and spent money recklessly. He wasn’t the father figure I wanted for my children. I quickly realised I didn’t want more children, so I quietly used family planning. His family assumed I was infertile and disliked me for that reason.

In 2004, tragedy struck. He collapsed after drinking and died suddenly. It was a shock, but I had to move on. After that, I lost interest in investing my time in another relationship, especially since my children were teenagers and needed me.

Fair enough. How have these experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?

Love exists, but it requires effort. I was too young and naive when it mattered most. Looking back, my relationships felt more like dictatorships than partnerships. If I had been wiser, I would’ve made different choices.

Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.

I’d give it a 9. I retired last year, so I stay home most of the time now. Work used to keep me engaged, and while it would be nice to have someone to talk to occasionally, I enjoy being single.

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