Mide* (26) didn’t expect dating to get more complicated after moving from an unsatisfying relationship to fully owning her pleasure. What began as curiosity has now affected how she experiences intimacy and attraction.
In this story, she opens up about her romantic journey and the struggle to find an emotional connection.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’ve been single for a while because I’ve become less sexually attracted to people. It’s not a good thing, and it has affected how I approach dating and relationships.
How so? Walk me through
My first relationship started in 2018 shortly after I got into university. I was in my second year when I met Damilare*. I’d never dated seriously before him, so everything about that relationship felt like an introduction to a new world. He was my first sexual partner. At the time, I thought our relationship was perfect because I had nothing else to compare it to.
But the truth is, I didn’t really enjoy sex. People talked about women having orgasms, but I never experienced that. Foreplay didn’t do much for me, and sex felt painful in the beginning. I liked the idea of lovemaking more than the experience. It always felt like he enjoyed it far more than I did.
That continued until we eventually ended the relationship during COVID. He was already a bad texter and would disappear for days without explanation, then return with excuses.
I constantly begged for attention. I’d triple-text just to get a response. Eventually, I became exhausted. Ending the relationship was difficult, but I realised I didn’t want that dynamic for myself anymore.
Right. What happened next?
After lockdown eased and we prepared to return to school, I realised I missed sex. I didn’t want to go back to my ex, so I tried something different.
I ordered my first self-pleasure toy, a rose. People raved about it on TikTok at the time, and curiosity got the better of me.
I’ll never forget the first time I used it. I orgasmed for the first time within minutes and almost cried because it was so overwhelming. During the two years I’d been sexually active, I’d never felt anything close to it. That was when I realised I’d been missing out.
For the first few months, I couldn’t use it often because I was either home with family or in my school hostel, and both places offered little privacy. But once I moved out in my final year and started living alone at the end of 2021, everything changed.
Living alone gave me control over my body in a way I’d never experienced before. I started using it frequently and eventually bought a dildo as well. I felt sexually satisfied in a way I’d never experienced with a partner, although I sometimes missed the intimacy of a relationship.
Did you eventually meet someone new?
Yes. In 2022, I met Sam* through a mutual friend. We became friends first, and I liked how calm and kind he was. He felt very different from my ex.
We grew closer naturally, realised we had feelings for each other, and he eventually asked me out. The early days were sweet, but it didn’t take long to realise we weren’t sexually compatible. After almost a year of exploring my body and understanding what gave me pleasure, I struggled with how mechanical sex felt with him. He didn’t really go out of his way to stimulate or please me.
Did you talk to him about it?
Conversations around pleasure or sex toys weren’t very open, so I didn’t know how to express myself without sounding like a freak.
I indirectly asked how he felt about trying new things together, but he was very conservative about sex. Once, I suggested we watch porn together to explore ideas, and his reaction made me shut down immediately. He interpreted it as me saying he wasn’t good enough.
I didn’t want to hurt his ego, so I handled my orgasms privately with my toys afterwards. I couldn’t even tell him because I feared he’d cut me off or tell our mutual friends.
He was also very traditional and talked about marriage and settling down immediately after graduation because his parents married young.
I wasn’t ready for that. I planned to break up with him, but kept postponing it because he was a nice person. I stayed stuck in that loop until I met John* in August 2022.
Tell me about John.
I met him after my final exams when I went home a few months before convocation. He was a corper working at the Medicare across the street. We chatted a few times when I visited, then exchanged numbers.
John flirted with me, and I enjoyed the attention. What surprised me most was how comfortable he felt discussing sex. I decided to be honest about my experiences, and he was completely open-minded.
He talked about his experiments and past experiences without shame. It felt refreshing and exciting.
We started spending more time together and eventually hooked up. Sex with John felt completely different. We used toys, and he paid close attention to my pleasure. We experimented with role play, bondage, and other things. It was intense and addictive.
Read Also: My Fiancé Abandoned Me During Childbirth
Were you still with Sam at this point?
Yes, technically. But emotionally, I’d already checked out. Our communication had faded, and the affection was gone.
During convocation, about two months after meeting John, Sam and I hooked up one last time. That was when I realised I was done. Ending the relationship was easy after that.
With Sam out of the way, I developed deeper feelings for John, even though he’d been clear from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship. Whenever I hinted at it, he’d say that what we had worked perfectly and that a relationship would ruin things. I believed him because the connection felt so intense, but I soon noticed his red flags.
What red flags?
He was very controlling. At first, I interpreted it as dominance, which excited me. Over time, it became exhausting. He seized my toys because he preferred keeping them so we’d only use them together. It was cute at first, but I eventually wanted the toys back because I didn’t want to always wait till we saw each other.
When he refused to return it, I bought new ones. I mentioned it, and he got upset, asking me to hand them over, or he’d cut me off. That should have been my warning sign, but I liked him too much to leave.
One day in April 2023, I planned to visit him as usual, but he told me not to come because he had a visitor. I suggested coming the next afternoon instead, but he insisted I come in the evening and refused to explain further. My curiosity won, so I went that afternoon anyway and waited nearby until I saw another woman leave his house.
When I confronted him, he reminded me that we weren’t exclusive.
Ouch.
He claimed she was just a friend who needed a place to stay while visiting the city. He admitted they’d slept together, though he said it wasn’t planned. We had been seeing each other for almost eight months at that point, so hearing that shocked me.
I was devastated, but as he said, he never promised commitment or clearly defined our relationship. I cried for days but still stayed, convincing myself that if I couldn’t make him date me, I’d eventually leave once I met someone else.
A few weeks later, I checked his phone and realised she was actually his long-term girlfriend. What hurt most was seeing how affectionate and gentle he was with her. I realised I was getting a different version of him and serving as his placeholder.
Did you leave immediately after that?
No. I stayed another month. When his service year was ending and he was preparing to leave, I decided to end things. He didn’t fight for me to stay, which hurt deeply because by then I was in love with him. I eventually blocked him in June 2023 so I could move on.
How did you cope afterwards?
I turned to my toys. They became my comfort, and I hardly went a day without using them. After more than a year of that pattern, I started to worry.
I realised I’d become emotionally disconnected. Sex was the only thing I wanted, and I could get it without the complications of relationships.
Hmm. Did you try dating again?
Yes, but it hasn’t felt the same. I met a guy through work early last year. We went on a few dates and had great chemistry, but when we finally had sex, I zoned out. I didn’t want him touching me, even though he hadn’t done anything wrong.
The experience felt underwhelming compared to what I’d become used to. Afterwards, he said he felt I was disgusted by him, which wasn’t true. I just couldn’t explain what was happening to me.
After reading more, I realised I might have grown too attached to the control and consistency my toys offer. With them, everything works exactly how I want. Human connection isn’t that predictable.
Since the start of the year, I’ve reduced how often I use them. Now I use them a few times a week instead of daily. I’ve joined dating apps, and I’m trying to connect with people on a more emotional level. It’s difficult because many people still approach dating primarily for sex, but I’m hopeful things will change.
So, how have these experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?
I’ve learned that human connection can’t really be replaced. Pleasure matters, but it isn’t everything. I still hope to meet someone who accepts my openness about pleasure while I work on building a healthier balance.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.
I’d give it a 6/10. I don’t hate being single, but I’ve started craving companionship more intensely.
Zikoko’s HERtitude is back this April 2026. Grab your tickets here: hertitude.zikoko.com
