Author: Nwachukwu Marisvega

Family is supposed to be where we feel safest, loved and supported. But when a relative becomes the source of years of conflict, tension and pain, their death can bring feelings that are difficult to admit, even when grief is involved.

We asked five Nigerians what it felt like to lose a relative who made family life difficult. These are stories of complicated grief, resentment and the uncomfortable relief that came when the person at the centre of the chaos was finally gone.

“My uncle was the village’s biggest problem” — Esther, 51, F

My uncle was a deeply troubled man and a known troublemaker in our village. He was my father’s stepbrother, and he fought almost everyone over land disputes. He seemed to believe that if he got rid of people, he could take their land. People also accused him of using juju and planting things in other people’s farms to cause trouble, so most villagers kept their distance.

When his mother died, he left her body in her room for four days without telling anyone. By the time my father and his relatives found her, her eyes had started decomposing.

On another occasion, he threatened someone with juju. The person warned him that whatever he tried would backfire. That same night, my uncle went to sleep and never woke up. We think he tried and met his match. The entire village celebrated his death.

“He made everybody’s problems his personal assignment” — Chidinma, 36, F

My dad’s older brother was a town crier who resented my father’s success. He was known for making situations worse than they were. He would rally people against my father, then pretend everything was fine when my dad tried to make peace. Before long, he’ll find someone else to turn against him. 

He did the same thing in other families. Whenever he found people having problems, he would take one person’s side and make the disagreement worse, often leaving them with little chance of reconciling.

When he eventually died in a car accident while going to fight a battle that wasn’t his, we felt an enormous sense of relief. But we weren’t the only ones who felt that way.  Many people who had experienced his interference and troublemaking over the years welcomed his demise.

“A heart attack saved us from our father’s terrors” — Joseph, 24, M

My father was abusive toward my mother. He constantly beat and disrespected her. My siblings and I tried to get her to leave him, but she feared what society would say. I almost resented her for staying because it felt like she was making us live through the abuse too. 

I think she held on to memories of when their relationship was happy, although I barely remember those times myself. 

Then, one day, my father beat her badly enough to leave a scar. When she looked in the mirror, she said she saw her old self standing beside her, and the resemblance was uncanny. She broke down, went to the police, and reported him. When the police came to take him away, he suffered a heart attack and died. We simply sat in silence afterwards. Losing a father was sad, but we couldn’t ignore the relief we felt knowing he would never hurt our mother again.

“I said ‘Thank God’ when my mother-in-law died” — Omolara, 42, F

I used to watch movies where a mother would turn her sons against each other and think, “Surely nobody’s mother is actually like this.” Then I met my mother-in-law.

She would tell one brother something about the other, then tell the other a completely different story. Once, she told one of them that his brother wanted their father’s property for himself and planned to leave everyone else with nothing. She then told the other son that his brother was secretly plotting to take his share. Her actions almost destroyed their relationship. Even we, their wives, took our husbands’ sides. Eventually, we had a call to dissect how our mother-in-law was the source of the accusations.

The brothers loved their mother so much that they refused to believe she could be behind it. For years, both families lived in chaos and couldn’t stand each other. When she died, I genuinely said, “Thank God.” And as you would expect, peace was restored between the brothers.

“She was a wonderful grandmother and a terrible mother-in-law” — Tobias, 25, M

My grandmother was incredibly sweet to us, but she made my mother’s life hell. Whenever we visited the village, my mother had to endure insults, condescending comments and constant criticism. I hated watching it and eventually started resenting my grandmother. She called my mother lazy and made cruel remarks about her background, as though marrying my father meant she had married beneath her. My father tried to keep the peace, but he always seemed stuck in the middle. 

Sometimes, my grandmother would call him, complaining that he never visited and insisting my mother was the reason, even when my mother could hear her. Whenever she visited, the entire house became tense; I’d see my mother crying. 

When her heart condition eventually claimed her life, I comforted my father, but I felt relieved too.