I Can Explain: I Cheat on My Girlfriend and Don’t Plan to Stop

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Author: Winifred Andem

Feranmi*, 26 loves her girlfriend, but she’s cheated on her with three other women, even though she knows it’s bad. She explains why infidelity has become a weapon she uses to protect herself from getting hurt, and why she has no plans of changing her ways, especially after discovering her girlfriend has also been talking to other people. This is her explanation, as told to Winifred

This is Feranmi’s explanation as told to Winifred:

I met my girlfriend at a party. We were friends for a few months before we started dating, and we’ve now been together for about a year. We both live in Lagos, but we don’t live together. We’ve broken up and gotten back together several times, so I call it a “commotionship.”

I don’t consider myself monogamous, but I believe in having a defined relationship with one person at a time. When I’m with someone, I expect us to be exclusive. I don’t ask for an open relationship or tell my partner I want to see other people.

Despite that, I’ve cheated on my girlfriend with three people. Each encounter was a one-off, and I’m not proud of it.

The first woman was someone I met on Snapchat. We started talking, and when she showed interest in me, I entertained it. The conversation became sexual, we agreed to meet and eventually had sex.

My girlfriend found out after going through my phone. She was devastated , and I thought we were finished. I begged her to forgive me, and she eventually did.

I’ve never wanted a relationship with any of the women I cheated with. It’s always been about the sex. I think that distinction matters to me because I’m emotionally invested in my girlfriend.

Still, one reason I step outside our relationship is to protect myself emotionally. She tries her best to meet my physical and emotional needs, but I often feel like something is missing.

I’m also a casual flirt. There are so many gorgeous women out there, and when I know someone is attracted to me, I can be tempted to explore it. Sometimes, I even make the first move.

But there’s a deeper reason I do it; I don’t completely trust people. Seeing other people behind her back gives me a strange sense of security. If she eventually messes up, I’ll know I’m not completely dependent on her.

I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket. If that basket breaks, I don’t want to have nothing left.

I know that logic doesn’t make sense, and I don’t recommend it. Sometimes, I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

After my girlfriend found out about the cheating, I managed to stay faithful for about two or three months. Then I discovered she’d also been talking to other people.

I don’t know when those conversations started or whether they happened before I cheated. But finding out made me feel like I’d been right all along. My girlfriend says she’s monogamous, but I’ve always had doubts about whether she could stay committed to me.

I’ve been trying to change since then, but now I’m struggling to see the point.

At the moment, I’m not seeing anyone else, and I’m doing my best to be a faithful partner. Still, I’m unsure whether I want to stay in this relationship.

Usually, I’m good at walking away. I’ve left jobs, friendships and relationships when they stopped working for me. This time, I can’t make that decision so easily because I genuinely love her.

If I stay, it’ll be because of that love. I like having her in my life, and I like how she makes me feel. The sex is great too, but that’s not enough to keep me in a relationship. I can find good sex elsewhere.

What I’m struggling with is whether I can learn to trust her enough to stay committed.

I’m not saying cheating is a good thing or something people should routinely do. My girlfriend has been good to me, and I know I should be good to her too. I’m trying to be faithful, but I don’t know if I’ll ever feel completely secure with her.

And I’m not sure what I’ll do if that feeling never goes away.