Dating in Nigeria today feels like a high-stakes game; everyone is seeking connection while trying to appear as nonchalant and cool as possible. Between mixed signals, unspoken expectations and relationships that feel increasingly transactional, the streets have become exhausting to navigate. 

We spoke to Nigerians about what they dislike most about the current dating culture, why dating now feels harder than it should, and what they think can be done to improve it.

“The mental gymnastics are  exhausting” — Janet*, 23, F

Janet can’t stand how everyone’s now trying to be the “hard guy”. She recounts how a former entanglement left her overanalysing every interaction.

“ No one wants to be vulnerable anymore. Instead, people try to take advantage of other people’s openness. I wish love were so much simpler. Sometimes it feels like I need to take a whole course to understand the opposite gender and what they want out of relationships.

In a past fling, confusing mixed signals turned me into an overthinker. I didn’t know where I stood with him, and I drove myself up the wall trying to interpret the meaning of every touch and every text. I eventually called the whole thing off.

I think decentralising social media is a great first step to fixing this vulnerability issue. The internet sets and upholds unrealistic standards for love, dating and relationships. We should instead prioritise intentionality and honesty. It almost feels like romance and effort are becoming lost arts. We need to bring them back.”

“Everything now feels transactional” — Inioluwa*, 29, M

Inioluwa doesn’t appreciate how transactional modern Nigerian relationships have become.

“Everything has become transactional and shallow. Many women seem focused on what a man can provide in the moment, in terms of lifestyle and material things. As a result, people sideline real connections, communication, consistency and shared values.

I think the only way to improve the situation is through more honesty and maturity on every front. Strong relationships are built on alignment and intention, not just attraction and flashy things. If we all stop playing these games, get clear about our intentions and respect the boundaries of others, dating would be less stressful and more meaningful.”

“Queer relationships aren’t taken seriously” — Gbenro*, 29, M

Gbenro’s least favourite aspect of dating is being treated like a placeholder because potential queer partners want to end up marrying women.

“These days, guys don’t take queer dating as seriously. Most of the time, they only see themselves ending up with women.

I understand that homophobia is everywhere in Nigeria, but being treated like a placeholder instead of a partner hurts, even if the relationship is temporary. If you’re lucky, they’ll tell you about the marriage in advance and ask you to be the best man. If you’re not, you’ll wake up one day blocked everywhere and later see their wedding photos on a stranger’s Instagram story.

I think more queer men need to be honest with themselves. In my experience, many seek validation from their mothers and will do anything to please them, even marrying a woman at the expense of their happiness. I want more of them to shake off that need for validation and stop doing the ‘expected thing’. I want queer people to choose themselves more. This pattern only creates more problems for the mothers they’re trying to impress and the unknowing wives they marry.”

“Effort and intentionality are scarce commodities these days” — Bolu*, 24, F

For Bolu, the dating scene feels overrun with dishonesty and a noticeable lack of effort from suitors. 

“Everyone wants a new emotional connection without labels, which means they’re looking for the least possible amount of emotional responsibility. Despite this tepid approach to love, people still want all the perks that come with being in a committed relationship, which is wild to me.

I once asked someone the ‘What are we?’ question, and he said, ‘I enjoy your company and attention, but I’m not ready for commitment.’ That response threw me off, and we parted ways shortly after.

I think things will only get better when people enter the dating scene genuinely interested in building emotional connections, willing to act intentionally and stay committed. We shouldn’t use other people’s emotions so freely or treat them like dumping grounds for past relationship traumas.”

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“There’s too much selfishness in the dating scene” — James*, 37, M

James opens up about his frustration with constantly meeting selfish people who prioritise societal approval over building a lasting connection.

“I’m not a generalist, so I don’t think this applies to all women, but in my experience, it’s been difficult to meet and date people who aren’t self-centred. Everything revolves around them and what they can get from you, whether it’s gifts, outings, or billings.

Dating these days feels driven by societal approval and how things look online rather than by emotional compatibility. I don’t mind spending money on my partner. I like meeting their needs, not because I’m trying to impress or because I’m gullible, but because I care about their comfort. Unfortunately, people often take that kindness for granted. I constantly have to pull back to avoid looking gullible, and I hate that I have to protect myself that way.

I wish things were more straightforward. Social media needs to stop shaping people’s expectations around relationships. What we see online are people’s best moments, and it’s okay if our everyday doesn’t look like social media posts. We should also bring family matchmaking back to save ourselves the headache of the streets. Either that, or we pray to God and trust Him to connect us with our person.”

“Emotional honesty has become so rare” — Jibade*,  27, M

Jibade hates the competitiveness and lack of emotional honesty in the Nigerian dating scene. He shares his experience in a long-distance relationship and what he thinks could improve the situation.

“I hate how everything has gotten so competitive. First to catch feelings is a fool; double texting or calling two days suddenly means you’re needy, and honesty is completely off the table. Social media has amplified this obsession with perception, turning dating into a game of control and aesthetics rather than one of curiosity and vulnerability.

I was in a long-distance relationship in 2024, and a few months in, she told me she didn’t believe in loving her partner wholeheartedly. She genuinely believed a relationship only works when a man is more invested than the woman. Months later, during an argument, she admitted she could never trust anyone completely and always stayed emotionally guarded. 

Her revelations unsettled me, but I stayed because I thought I could change her mind by showing her how freeing vulnerability could be. It didn’t work out. We saw and approached love from completely different angles, and we eventually broke up.

I think we need to stop treating emotional availability like a disadvantage. If you constantly feel the need to hold back, maybe you shouldn’t be in that relationship. Not every relationship has to end in marriage or last forever, but we should at least approach them with sincerity.”

“Women’s feelings deserve respect” — Tife*, 27, F

Tife is tired of having her feelings dismissed by men who believe they should control the direction of relationships. She shares her frustrations and what she thinks needs to change.

“My least favourite thing about dating, which I’ve experienced five out of six times, is how casually men dismiss women’s feelings. Most of the men I meet act like the world revolves around them and that they alone get to dictate how a relationship should go. 

I’ve been in frustrating situations where I clearly expressed what I wanted or how I felt, and instead of trying to understand me or meet me halfway, my partner got defensive or tried to undermine my thoughts and opinions. That behaviour is wrong.

Men need to understand that women are full human beings. Our thoughts, feelings and opinions deserve respect. Instead of reacting based on what they feel in their hearts, men need to practise active listening and respond with consideration.”

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