Catching feelings for your friend’s partner is one of those things no one ever plans for, but it happens more often than people admit. Sometimes, it’s because you were all close friends before love entered the mix. Other times, the chemistry sneaks in when you spend too much time around them. Either way, it leaves you in an uncomfortable place fighting feelings you know can’t go anywhere.
We spoke to Nigerians who’ve been in that position, and they shared their experiences.
“I’ve had feelings for my closest friend’s partner for over five years” — Mohammed*, 31
Mohammed says his feelings started back in uni. The girl in question was a mutual friend, someone both he and his closest friend had known for years. He assumed he had time to shoot his shot, but he miscalculated.
“She was my guy’s friend before she became mine, but somewhere along the line, I started liking her. The problem is, I didn’t act on it quickly enough. I kept telling myself I’d find the right time. I didn’t even tell my friend how I felt. Then one random day, I came back to the hostel, and there she was with him. Laughing, comfortable. At that point, I knew I was too late.
They started dating not long after that, and I backed off. I never let it affect my friendship with him, and I’ve been respectful since. But every time I saw them together, I couldn’t help the feelings that resurfaced.
It’s been over five years now, and they’re engaged. They’re getting married next year. I’m happy for him, but it’s bittersweet. I can’t help thinking about how things might’ve been different if I’d moved faster. Now, I just accept that the chapter is closed forever.”
“I joke about it, but I actually like my friend’s boyfriend” — Amaka*, 25
When Amaka’s friend brought her new boyfriend over, she instantly noticed his looks. She even teased her friend about it, but the truth is, it wasn’t entirely a joke.
“The first time I saw my friend’s boyfriend, I couldn’t help but notice all the physical attributes that made him stand out: tall, fine, with light brown skin. The kind of half-caste guy people naturally turn to stare at. My friend introduced him as her new boyfriend, and from the moment he said hello, I felt my heart skip a beat. It was ridiculous. He wasn’t just attractive; he had this charisma of someone who knew the ladies wanted him.
I teased my friend immediately. I laughed and said, ‘Ah, babe, I like this your man o. Does he have a twin brother ?’ She laughed it off because that’s how we usually play. Jokes about men are normal in our circle, so she didn’t read meaning into it. But deep down, I wasn’t joking. I was thinking, ‘God, why didn’t I meet him first?’
Since then, every time he comes around, I try to keep things as normal as possible. I don’t flirt or cross the line. I play the role of supportive friend, and I’m genuinely happy that she has someone who treats her well. But when I’m alone, I catch myself imagining a reality where he’s mine. I know it’s wrong, and I’ll never act on it, but feelings don’t care about morality.
I know it’ll pass eventually. For now, I just keep smiling and praying those feelings die quietly.”
“My friend’s boyfriend is the biggest temptation in my life right now” — Charles*, 33
For Charles, things got complicated when his friend’s boyfriend moved in with them temporarily. Spending so much time together created an attraction he never expected.
“My friend’s boyfriend moved in with us when he first came to Lagos. He didn’t have a job yet, and since I work remotely, I was always at home. My friend, on the other hand, works in a bank and barely has time. That meant his boyfriend and I were left alone most of the day.
At first, it was casual stuff. Cooking together, watching movies and random gist that stretched into late-night talks. But over time, I started noticing things. He’s incredibly smart, caring and genuinely attentive. Combine that with his looks, and it was hard not to start feeling something.
The problem is, we share one bed—all three of us. At night, it gets awkward. Sometimes our bodies touch, and I find myself fighting thoughts I know I shouldn’t have.
I’d never betray my friend, not for anything. But this situation is testing me daily. I avoid unnecessary contact, I distract myself with work, but the temptation is real. I can’t wait for the day he gets his own place because then I’ll finally have peace of mind. For now, I keep reminding myself of my loyalty to my friend. I’m not ready to lose my friendship over feelings that shouldn’t even be there in the first place.”
“Sometimes I blame my friend for these feelings” — Adeola*, 28
Adeola insists she never set out to catch feelings for her friend’s partner. In her words, the way her friend constantly inserted her into their relationship created space for it to happen.
“My friend always makes me the third wheel. At first, it was fun; like I was part of their little family. She’d insist I follow them on dates or hangouts, and sometimes, she’d even ask her boyfriend to buy things for me. I remember one time she told him to pick me up from work because we worked in the same axis. I thought it was cool and harmless.
However, some things began to cross lines. Like when we went clubbing a few times, she actually told her boyfriend to dance with me while she sat back and watched. I laughed it off, but it didn’t feel normal. I started wondering if both of them were in on some kind of inside joke I didn’t understand.
Somewhere in the middle of all that, I began noticing him differently. It didn’t help that he’s a flirt. He’d say certain things that weren’t too direct, but enough to make me question if he was testing me. And when you’re already in that weird grey area, it’s very easy to start feeling things you shouldn’t.
I’ve refused to entertain those feelings as anything romantic. The only way I’ve kept my sanity is by treating him like a brother, nothing more.”
“I used to crush on my friend’s girlfriend until I realised she was toxic” — Kunle*, 29
Kunle says his crush on his friend’s girlfriend disappeared the moment he saw what she was really like.
“When my friend introduced her, I understood immediately. She was beautiful, confident, and had a banging hourglass shape. I couldn’t stop myself from admiring her. Anytime we all hung out, I’d find myself drawn to her laugh, the way she dressed, everything.
But over time, I saw another side. She was controlling. Always checking his phone, making a scene if he didn’t pick up her call. She’d embarrass him in public and twist situations to make him feel guilty. Watching him deal with that killed my feelings.
I went from being secretly jealous of my friend to being thankful I wasn’t in his shoes. By the time they broke up, I was relieved for him. But in a way, it’s almost as if their breakup reignited something in me. I texted her once and asked if we could hang out at a club, and she didn’t decline.
I lowkey expected her to decline or throw a fit, considering I was her ex-boyfriend’s friend. But she was quick to accept the invite. As much as I really wanted to hit, I bailed on her. Something about how she was keen on meeting up made me feel like she had her own plans.”
“If life aligned properly, she should’ve been my wife” — Bodunrin*, 49
Bodunrin says his feelings for his friend’s wife weren’t new. They’d been buried for years, out of respect for his friend and the marriage. But life had other plans.
“I’d always admired her, even back when she was married to my friend. But of course, she was off-limits, so I kept it to myself. I watched from the outside as my friend mistreated her. He was unfaithful, careless, and never appreciated her the way she deserved. Sometimes, she’d even come to me to talk about what she was going through. I’d listen, give advice, and comfort her, but I never crossed the line. She was my friend’s wife, and I wasn’t going to destroy his home.
They stayed married for almost ten years, but eventually, he left her for another woman. By that time, my own wife had relocated abroad with another man, so I was also single again in my own way. Naturally, she and I started talking more. We’d been friends for years, but this time, we allowed ourselves to be honest about the feelings that had always been there.
Before anything happened, I tried to reach my friend to let him know, but he’d cut everyone off and was nowhere to be found. So I went ahead. We’re together now, and it feels right, like it should’ve always been this way.
Sometimes we talk about it and laugh, saying if life had aligned properly, we should’ve been married to each other, not to the people we ended up with. It’s bittersweet, but at least now, we’ve stopped pretending the feelings don’t exist.”
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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