Caring deeply about someone doesn’t automatically mean accepting everything they do to you. Sometimes, the hardest part of love is knowing when to draw a line, even when it hurts. 

From cutting off siblings to walking away from relationships that no longer felt safe, these Nigerians recount the toughest boundaries they’ve ever had to set with people they loved, and the reactions they got.

“I told her I didn’t want to be friends anymore” — James*, 24, M

James had to draw a hard line and let go of a relationship he deeply wished would work because she didn’t reciprocate his desire for commitment.

“I was navigating a situationship that I hoped would gently turn into a romantic relationship. We had feelings for each other, and the sex was great, but she had commitment issues and wanted to take things slow. Despite knowing about these issues, I was willing to work through them.

But every time I raised the idea of taking our friendship to the next level, she’d wave it off and say we were better off as friends. At first, I didn’t mind, but I started noticing that she took advantage of my soft spot for her to ask for money; ₦50k for this or that. Sometimes, she asked up to three times a week. The dynamic started feeling one-sided. I tried to explain how it made me feel, but she kept asking for more time.

I’m not sure exactly when it clicked, but I realised I had to protect my peace or she would keep stringing me along. I called her and told her I didn’t want to be friends anymore and that she shouldn’t come to my place or ask me for money again. Suddenly, her tone changed, and she started professing her feelings for me. 

I didn’t believe her. The timing just didn’t feel genuine. I think she worried more about losing the benefits than about truly wanting a committed relationship. 

I thought I’d be sad after choosing myself, but two years later, I feel happier. I still miss her, but choosing my sanity over my heart and pleasure has done wonders for my peace of mind.”

“I refused to let my family stifle my independence “ — Rachel*, 25, F

Rachel chose herself and rejected her sister’s control, even when it cost her family relationships.

“In 2023, I made the difficult decision to cut my eldest sister and my immediate older brother out of my life. 

At the time, I lived with my eldest sister and worked at her shop for free. I earned nothing and couldn’t save or buy basic necessities like clothes, underwear or even menstrual products. She gave me small amounts of money occasionally, but it never fully covered my needs. 

Even though I wanted to work, my sister forbade me from finding a job that would make me less dependent on her. I had to draw a boundary there. I knew I was enough to decide what I wanted my life to look like, and being her sister didn’t give her the right to dictate my future.

I eventually went against her wishes and got a job, and she stopped giving me money entirely, shunned me and verbally abused me. I hoped my older brother would intervene and ease the tension between us. But he sided with her because they were closer.

That was when I decided to stop accepting my sister’s poor treatment and cut off my brother, too. Even though my sister and I live in the same city, I barely see her more than once a year, too.

Regardless of the outcome, it was a necessary sacrifice. I miss them and wish we could have the kind of close sibling relationship I see others enjoy. But, if I have to endure toxicity and maltreatment to get that, I’d rather just be on my own.”

“I ended a long distance relationship for my peace of mind” — Deji*, 19, M

For Deji, ending his long-distance relationship was the hardest boundary he’s ever had to set.

“Last year, I broke up with my long-distance girlfriend to preserve our cordial relationship. We didn’t start out as a long-distance couple, but when school separated us, our dynamic went downhill.

She became emotionally detached and started acting differently. She replied hours later or disappeared for days. I wanted to endure it, but I couldn’t accept that treatment from someone who claimed to care about me, so I ended the relationship.

She begged me to change my mind, but I knew it wasn’t meant to be. We’re still in touch, and I still think about her often, but I know we can’t be together. Setting boundaries hurts, but putting yourself first and protecting your peace is the truest form of self-love.”

“My dressing and where I go are for me to choose” — Shalewa*, 28, F

Shalewa shares how she had to set a boundary when her boyfriend tried to control her choices.

“I started noticing my boyfriend’s controlling behaviour in the way he commented on my clothes and questioned my whereabouts. What shocked me most was that I had dressed this way and gone to these places long before I met him.

I had to sit him down and let him know that while I loved him, I wasn’t going to tolerate anyone dictating my actions. He could share his opinion, but I would decide what to wear and where to go. He didn’t take it well at all. He started talking about how men are the head and asked how I planned to listen to him in marriage if I couldn’t take his direction in a relationship.

I stood my ground. I’m not one to be commanded by anyone. Love isn’t enough reason to betray myself in that way. Love should be full of consideration and compromise, and  I won’t accept anything less.”

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“I stopped being his loan bank” — Felix*, 33, M

Felix shares how he had to draw a financial boundary with a close friend.

“Even though it hurt, I told my friend, Sam*,  never to ask me for money again. 

At the time, I earned more than he did, so I didn’t mind helping him financially at first.  But after a while, the requests became constant. He stopped trying to solve his problems and started treating me like his backup plan. Even though I earned decently, it wasn’t enough money to support both our lifestyles.

Whenever something went wrong, I was his first option for money. It got so bad that I started having anxiety attacks whenever his name popped up on my phone.

I hinted several times that I couldn’t always help, but guilt-tripped me and reminded me of how often I had come through before. Eventually, I told him that I couldn’t keep supporting him and that I needed our friendship to exist beyond survival.

He didn’t take it well. He accused me of changing and said money had entered my head. We stopped talking for months after that. It hurt because I genuinely loved him, but I realised that loving him without boundaries was draining me. We’re no longer closebut honestly, I feel lighter because of it.”

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