Between what we expect from love and the reality of building a life with someone, marriage can be full of surprises. To see what marriage really looks like beyond the wedding vows, we asked Nigerian wives if they would choose their husbands a second time.
“God used him to teach me some lessons” — Sarah*, 55
If you had asked me this question a few years ago, my answer would have been different. Back then, I would’ve said no. But today, my answer is yes. My perspective has changed with time and with spiritual growth. I’ve come to see that God doesn’t make mistakes, and everything I’ve gone through has shaped me into who I am.
When we got married in 1999, the younger me wanted a husband who had money, a stable job, and could care for my parents. Instead, I married a full-time pastor with no income, who openly said he didn’t feel obligated to provide financially. In the early years, I saw that as neglect and selfishness. I hated his ministry and felt like he married his church. I had to pay school fees, support my parents, and even buy his clothes. That wasn’t how I envisioned my marriage.
One of my most painful memories was around 2008, when I used to hawk diapers. With his permission, I worked overtime that evening, since I wanted to gather enough money for our son’s fees. Because it rained heavily, I had to trek home. I got back around 10 p.m., soaking wet, but when I knocked on our gate, he refused to open it. He left me outside in the rain, and I ended up sleeping at a widow’s house nearby.
Till this day, he hasn’t apologised. Even now, the memory brings tears to my eyes. The only consolation is that my son graduated and is now a medical doctor, so my suffering was not in vain.
For 26 years of our marriage, my husband also never visited my parents and spoke harshly to them. His grievance is that they never approved of his pastoral calling and always pressured him to provide.
Still, he’s changing for the better. His ministry is finally growing, and people he prayed for have begun to bless him financially. Last month, for the very first time in 26 years, he sent ₦20,000 to my parents. As little as it is, it’s progress.
Today, I have no regrets. I believe everything happened for a reason. God has trained me through all the pain, and I trust the future will be brighter. If I had chosen differently, maybe I wouldn’t have learned these lessons.
“I stayed back to care for him” — Vic*, 44
My husband died in 2023, but based on our 10 years of marriage, I wouldn’t marry him again.
We met after I had an accident in 2013. One day, while dressing my wounds at the hospital, he approached me. He love-bombed me, and within four months, we were married. The first issue was that he controlled me financially. A few months into our marriage, he said he wasn’t comfortable with me working, so I dropped my event planning business. I had to ask him for every kobo, and found it hard to adjust since I’d been independent before I met him.
A few years in, I realised he was flirtatious with other women. He worked on the Island while we lived on the mainland and often came home late or claimed he had to sleep over. I never suspected anything until a neighbour told me she had seen him with a woman nearby. After digging further, I discovered he had been lying about his long hours and spending time with other women. I was planning to walk away when he was diagnosed with blood cancer in 2020.
For the next three years, I stayed to take care of him — sleeping on cold hospital floors and selling off properties to fund his treatment. He died before we could afford advanced treatment abroad. Before he passed, he apologised and admitted he hadn’t treated me well. I forgave him, but if I had the choice again, I wouldn’t put myself through all of that.
“He’s my silver lining after a difficult life” — Hafsa*, 61
If I had to marry again, I would choose my husband without hesitation. He’s my silver lining in a life filled with dark clouds. My parents died when I was young, and I was raised by relatives who only cared that I got a degree and trained as a secretary. They never showed me love, so when I left, I wanted a place to call home.
I ended up in an abusive relationship, which lasted about six years. My ex would beat and threaten me whenever I tried to leave. I had no family or friends to run to. Eventually, he threw me out of his house in 1995. I was homeless and hopeless. I moved around with my CV, desperately looking for work.
That was how I met my husband. He ran a small firm and had advertised a vacancy. When I approached him, he told me the position had already been filled. But he kept checking on me, offering help where he could. A few months after we met, he gave me money to start a business so I wouldn’t remain stranded. By 1997, we were married. I expected him to change and become like my ex, but he never did.
Even when his business grew and he became more successful, he never made me feel out of place. He always carried me along, taking me to conferences and events, and he’s never been ashamed to introduce me as his wife.
One incident really proved his pure heart to me. Around 2007, my ex’s sister and wife tracked me down. They told me my ex was very ill. He kept slipping in and out of consciousness, and wouldn’t stop calling my name. The doctors said my presence might help him recover.
At first, I refused. I didn’t want to reopen old wounds or for my husband to get suspicious. But he overheard our conversation. Instead of being angry, he told me to go and help, even driving me there himself. Throughout the period, he never showed jealousy. He’d ask about my ex’s health, and sometimes sent money to his family. That level of understanding and generosity still amazes me.
Eventually, my ex recovered, and my visits stopped. But through it all, my husband showed me that after everything I’ve been through, marrying him remains the best decision of my life.
“26 years later, he’s still resentful” — Fathia*, 57
I wouldn’t marry my husband again. It is a decision I regret every day.
I met him in 1996 while working at Mr Biggs. I was 29, unmarried, and vulnerable. Most of my past relationships had failed, often because they preferred women with stronger educational standing. At that time, once you approached 30 as a woman, the pressure to settle was immense. He was tall, handsome, and from my church youth fellowship, so when he showed interest, I felt lucky.
I ignored the red flags. On our first date, he made me pay for everything, including transport, promising to refund me, but he never did. He played football for Bendel Insurance, so his only income came whenever they gave him a contract. I believed it was enough and thought I could support our family during the off-season. Our wedding was in 1999, funded entirely from my savings.
Marriage opened my eyes. His football dreams dried up, and he struggled to hold down the jobs I found for him. I had to be the sole provider. He became jealous and violent, accusing me of sleeping with other men for money. He beat me repeatedly, and each time I tried to leave, he threatened to take the children away.
As he got older, the beatings stopped, but he never stepped up. I trained all our children through school and started my own business, but he remained resentful. Recently, when I wanted to start another business, he blocked me, insisting I give him the funds instead. I’ve held back; I know giving him that financial control would only make things worse. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t pick him.
“I’ve learnt not to base my happiness on him” — Maryam*, 33
It’s a tricky question, but I would.
I’ve been married for four years; I met my husband while working as a sales rep in a restaurant. He’s much older; there’s a 20-year age gap between us. I chose him because I trusted him, and he’s proven to be mature and responsible.
But living with someone day in and day out exposes you to their true character. I’ve always known him as a social butterfly, but shortly after I had my son in 2023, I suspected he was giving other women attention. Eventually, I found out he was having a serious affair with one woman and even told me he planned to marry her. He comes from a polygamous home, so it wasn’t surprising, but it went against our agreement.
The affair affected my mental health, especially since I was a housewife fully dependent on him. I began to sink into depression until I decided to focus on myself. I started looking for jobs, going out more, and eventually got into a business that he even supported financially out of guilt. I realised I shouldn’t put all my happiness on a man. He’s a partner, not my God.
Thankfully, his family supported me from the start, and my mother has been my backbone. Without a good family system, marriage can feel unbearable. Despite everything, he’s been responsible. I know what’s out there, and I know what I have. For me, the good outweighs the bad.
“My life would’ve been harder as a single mum” — Olanna*, 22
Yes, I would. But only because of my child.
I met my husband through a mutual friend just before I finished secondary school. We dated for six years before I fell pregnant last year, and since I did not want an abortion, my family insisted on marriage. He stepped up, and because he is older and mature, I agreed.
He’s selfless and puts others before himself, which is good, but it has affected my relationship with his family. After I gave birth, I struggled with postpartum depression, and his mum came to stay with us. Instead of helping, she focused on just holding the baby while I cooked, cleaned, and ran errands for everyone. Sometimes, I wished she hadn’t come at all.
His siblings and mum can be overbearing, often imposing their own methods of childcare because I am younger. For instance, I didn’t want my baby to have formula until she was older, but my mother-in-law insisted on starting at three months. My husband sided with his mum, and at that point, I regretted my decision.
Eventually, things got better. Looking back, I know my life would have been much harder as a single mum at such a young age. My marriage is still new, but one lesson I’ve learnt is that when you marry, you don’t just marry the man. You marry his family, too.
“He stood by me when I was chronically ill” — Ayo*, 39
I’ve been married for 16 years, and if I could go back, I’d still choose my husband again.
Marriage is beautiful when you know you are not doing life alone, and when you have someone who truly loves you.
We dated all through my university years, and I got married at just 23. But even then, I could see he was a kind and selfless man. That kindness has never changed. I’m a lawyer and career woman, often more ambitious than he is, yet he’s always given me the freedom and support to grow without making me feel small. What has carried us through is friendship. Many people don’t realise you also have to be friends with your partner.
Of course, there have been challenges. Last year, I faced serious health struggles that left me bedridden. During that period, he stepped in completely. He didn’t mind bathing me, taking me to the toilet, and managing our home. I battled emotionally with the state of my body, but I remember him telling me, “I didn’t just marry your body, I married your heart.” Those words gave me hope and helped me see myself as beautiful even when I didn’t feel like it. He helped me through that dark time, and I’ll never forget that.
“After all these years, he still feels like a stranger” — Edith*, 46
It’s a complicated question. I’m not sure of my answer.
We met in church, and although I had a crush on him, I couldn’t approach him. A friend spoke to him on my behalf, and we got together. We didn’t date for up to a year before getting married in 2009. He’s a good person, but one trait I’ve struggled with is his secrecy. We’ve been married 16 years, and I still don’t know how much he earns or all his sources of income.
In our seventh year, he bought land and built a house without telling me. I only found out when we were ready to move in. Meanwhile, I had been struggling to save for rent, not knowing he had already made such plans. I was very hurt. I’ve come to accept that he is guarded, probably because he grew up in a polygamous home filled with strife. That probably shaped his trust issues.
My doubts about our compatibility grew recently, when my teenage daughter told me we relate more like business partners than lovers. He has been a good father to our kids, but we’ve never truly opened up to each other. Even after all these years, we still relate like strangers. I’m not unhappy, but I’ve realised this isn’t the norm. I often wish I’d waited longer and courted more.
“Caring for him isn’t a burden” — Jane*, 52
I’d choose my husband again. He’s been good to me.
I got married later in life, at 44. He was a widower in his mid-50s when we met. We were introduced in church, and from there we built our own connection.
When we were newly married, his sister lived with us. She was never kind to me. His late wife’s passing had left her in charge of his business, and when I came in, she felt I was there to take her place.
She said terrible things about me, and it created a lot of tension. But he never listened to her, eventually putting me in the business. When her behaviour became unbearable, he asked her to move out. His maturity and decisiveness meant a lot to me.
The bigger challenge came from the pressure to have children. I was already 44 when we got married, and his family members constantly reminded me that he didn’t have children from his previous marriage. We tried IVF a few times, but it never worked. One day, we had a conversation where he asked if adoption would make me happy. When I chose to adopt one of my nieces, and his family stood against it, he ignored them.
We’ve now been married for 8 years, and he has never given me cause to regret my choice. I’m financially stable, and my family is doing well. Now, although my husband is ill and I have to care for him, I don’t see it as a burden. He has always been kind and thoughtful, putting measures in place to secure my future. Marrying him was one of the best decisions of my life, and I would do it again without hesitation.
“He refused to let his family mistreat me” — Khadijat, 49
Yes. Without a doubt, I’d marry my husband again.
He is a good man who has always put his family first. He loves his children deeply and would give anything for them. He’s also a gentleman at heart.
We met while I was in school during a hard period in my life. In 2003, I had a sexual assault case with one of my lecturers, and my husband, who was my neighbour at the time, stepped in to help me. He did everything possible to ensure I got justice, and that experience drew us close. We became friends first, and over time, I fell in love with him.
What confirmed he was the right man was how he stood by me when his family opposed our relationship. I come from a Muslim background, while he’s from a strong Christian family. His mother didn’t approve, but he stood his ground and refused to let anyone talk down to me. Eventually, his father supported us, and over time, his mother warmed up to me.
Looking back on our 17 years of marriage with all the family, growth, and love we’ve built, I’d do it all over again.
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