Marriage feels very different once you’re inside it. Many women walk in believing love and good intentions are enough, but living with someone long-term has a way of revealing the soft skills you don’t think about until you need them — how to communicate honestly, manage conflict without turning everything into a battle, and still hold on to who you are.
For this piece, we asked seven Nigerian women to share one thing they wish they had known before getting married.
“You’re living with your partner forever” — Nnenna*, 28,
Nnenna never expected a time when she’d feel like a visitor in her own childhood home. But that’s now her reality.
“I wish I was more aware of what the living conditions would be like after marriage. I’m still adjusting to the fact that my husband and I are going to live together forever. It was such a big adjustment for me. Don’t get me wrong, I like it, but the reality of things didn’t dawn on me until I wanted to visit my mum and I realised I was a visitor. I was shook.”
“Marriage will expose every insecurity you’ve avoided” — Timi*, 28
Timi’s been married for six years and the biggest thing she wish she had known? How vulnerable that level of closeness to someone else made her.
“I didn’t realise how much childhood wounds and old traumas show up in partnership. Especially when I was pregnant with our first baby, every physical insecurity I had tried to bury sprung up with a vengeance. I’m glad I married someone I trusted, but I still felt so naked tackling those insecuritues with him.
I wish I’d known just how much of you your partner would need to see in marriage.”
“Financial transparency is not optional” — Mariam*, 62, married for 32 years
After 32 years of walking the path of marriage, Mariam still wishes she had been more insistent on financial transparency.
“When I got married in 1993, I believed that since my husband was the sole provider, I didn’t need to concern myself with the financial workings of the house, but I was wrong. My husband had poor spending and saving habits that took us from being comfortable to almost poor. We’ve been struggling to recover since. It really affected our children, and I hated that.
I wish I had asked more questions about the financial side of things or gotten more involved.”
“Being a good wife doesn’t mean losing yourself” — Taiwo*, 30
Taiwo has been married for five years, and she wishes she had been told how easy it is to lose one’s identity in marriage if they aren’t intentional.
“I entered marriage deeply in love with my husband, but I wish I’d learned the importance of keeping one’s individuality. I remember being frustrated because people kept asking if I needed my husband’s permission to do certain things, almost as if I don’t have the free will to make my own decisions.”
“Your partner’s family is part of the package, for better or worse” — Derin*, 26
It took only two years of marriage for Derin to realise that you don’t just get a life partner in marriage, you get the whole family.
“No matter how modern you both are, in-laws will shape parts of your marriage. I wish I’d taken expectations and boundaries more seriously before saying yes. It’s not that they’re bad people; we just disagree on certain life choices.
For instance, my in-laws believe one of my husband’s siblings or cousins should live with us year-round. I believe we need our space and they should only visit, not move in. It caused some conflict at the start of my marriage, but thankfully, we’ve found a compromise that works for everyone.”
“Being right is overrated” — Bunmi*, 56
After 30 years of marriage, Bunmi wishes she had known that not every fight is about winning. Sometimes, it’s about finding a middle ground.
“I used to argue like it was a debate club. I grew up with brothers, so I enjoyed winning arguments. It caused so much friction in the first decade of my marriage. Eventually, I had to learn that not every fight or argument is for ‘winning’; sometimes, you just need to air your grievances and move on. Losing the mood or the intimacy isn’t worth it when you’ll still have something to argue about in the future. Choose the battles that matter and leave the ones that don’t.”
See what other people are saying about this article on social media.
Help Shape Nigeria’s Biggest Love Report! We’re asking Nigerians about relationships, marriage, sex, money, and everything in between. Your anonymous answers will become a landmark report on modern Nigerian love. Click here to take the survey. It’s 100% anonymous.
READ ALSO: 5 Nigerian Women on the Frequency of Sex Before and After They Got Married
