Last week, we heard from Nigerian men about how the frequency of sex changed after they got married. This week, it’s the women’s turn.
From those who waited till after marriage to those who explored early and now feel their libido dipping, these married women tell us how sex has evolved in their relationships since saying “I do.”
“Before marriage, we did everything but sex” — Grace*, 35
Grace didn’t sleep with her husband before marriage, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t intimacy. She says they explored everything else and built deep chemistry before officially crossing that line.
“Before marriage, we did everything but sex. He never pressured me, even though he clearly wanted to. He was very much into foreplay and making me feel desired, but he respected my decision to wait until we were married.
After marriage, our sex life was honestly mind-blowing. The first two years were so intense that I can’t even count how many times we did it. I was experiencing real sex for the first time, and it was exciting to finally share that part of myself with someone I loved.
Four years later, things are calmer. The sex still happens, but not as frequently or as adventurous as before. Between work, raising our child, and the general tiredness of being an adult, it’s hard to find that same energy.
My husband still has a very strong drive, and I try to keep up, but sometimes I just can’t. I find myself saying ‘maybe tomorrow’ a lot more often these days. I know it’s not what it used to be, but I remind myself that we’ve both evolved. The love is still there; we just express it differently now.”
“My libido has dropped, but my husband’s hasn’t” — Debby*, 29
Debby says her sex life with her husband used to be one of the best parts of their relationship. They were experimental, adventurous and in sync. Now, two years into marriage, she’s not sure where all that energy went.
“Before marriage, we were very active. We experimented a lot and tried so many new things together; things I can’t even mention here. We both had the same kind of energy, and it just worked.
Now that we’ve been married for two years, things are moving at a slower pace. We don’t have a child yet, but our sex life has definitely dropped. Honestly, I think it’s mostly me. My husband still has the same drive; he could have sex every single day if I let him.
But for me, I’m not always in the mood. After a long day at work, all I want to do is cuddle and sleep. Before I know it, he’s already trying to go further. I hate turning him down because he gets moody, and even when he says he’s fine, I can tell he’s not.
Sometimes, I offer handjobs or try to please him in other ways, but it doesn’t always work. I don’t even understand what’s happening to me. Maybe it’s stress, hormones, or maybe it’s just part of getting older. But it worries me. If it’s like this now when we don’t even have kids, what will it be like when a baby comes?”
“If my husband doesn’t initiate, I can go months without sex” — Banke*, 40
Banke has been married for 12 years, and she’s honest about how much motherhood and time have changed her sex life. What started as a very active relationship has now become one that depends largely on her husband’s initiative.
“Before marriage, sex between us was frequent, maybe even too frequent. We were both very attracted to each other, and that attraction continued after we got married.
But once childbearing started, everything changed. I don’t like having sex during pregnancy, so my husband had to hold himself through all three. After childbirth, it always took me at least four to six months before I could even have sex without pain.
Something about the long dry spells, the sleepless nights, and the stress of motherhood just killed my drive. These days, if my husband doesn’t initiate, I’m fine going months without it. I still love him deeply, but sex isn’t top of my list anymore.
He reminds me that sex is just as important as every other part of our marriage, and I understand that. We’ve tried to spice things up before. I remember one time we took the kids to their granny’s place and lodged at a hotel for a week. I slept through most of it. We only had sex twice. My husband was annoyed, and I had to find a way to make it up to him when we got home.
Honestly, I think he’s probably getting it somewhere else these days. I’ve seen little signs, but I don’t have the energy to chase it down. As long as he uses protection and doesn’t impregnate anyone, I’m fine. In fact, I feel relieved every time we go to bed and I know I won’t find his hands wandering about when I just want to sleep.”
“I didn’t enjoy sex until after my first year of marriage” — Derinsola*, 38
For Derinsola, sex after marriage started out as a painful obligation before turning into something she actually looked forward to. However, after motherhood and the body changes that came with it, that excitement slowly faded away again.
“My husband was the first man I ever slept with. Before marriage, we didn’t go past kissing and the occasional handjob, and that only happened on weekends when I visited him. He’s on the big side, so when we finally got married, it took a really long time before sex became enjoyable for me.
The first year was tough. I used to dread nights because I knew what was coming. Sometimes, I’d almost cry before or during sex because it hurt too much. He was patient and would often stop and tell me he could help himself, but I’d insist he continued. I felt like I had to get used to it.
Eventually, it got better. I started enjoying it so much that I was even the one initiating. That was probably the best phase of our marriage.
But after I had our first child, everything changed again. I gained a significant amount of weight and never really regained my old body. Now, there are days when I don’t feel attractive at all. I turn down sex even when I want it because I’m self-conscious about my body.
My husband still initiates, but I sometimes feel like he does it out of obligation, not desire. He’s always said he prefers slim women, and even though he’s never complained about me, I can’t unhear that. So whenever he makes a move, I wonder if he’s just being kind or if he actually still finds me attractive.”
“Our sex life slowed down after my husband started medication” — Sade*, 33
Sade has been married for five years, and while she says marriage has been mostly great, the one thing she didn’t expect was how much her husband’s health would affect their sex life.
“Before we got married, sex was never an issue. We had it as often as we wanted. Sometimes every day, sometimes twice a day if we were together for a long weekend. There was chemistry, and everything just flowed naturally.
But two years into our marriage, my husband was diagnosed with high blood pressure. The medication he was placed on has really affected his libido. At first, I didn’t understand what was happening. He went from being the one always initiating sex to barely touching me. I thought maybe he was cheating or had fallen out of love.
It took a lot of honest conversations for him to finally explain how embarrassed he felt about not being able to perform the way he used to. That was when I started reading about the side effects of his medication, and I realised it wasn’t in his control.
These days, we don’t have sex as often; maybe once or twice a month, sometimes even less if he’s not feeling up to it. I’ve had to learn patience and find other ways to stay close to him. We cuddle, kiss, and have long talks. Still, there are moments when I miss how things used to be.
Sometimes, I just wish there was a way to fix it because it affects both of us. He feels guilty; I feel neglected. But I also know it’s not his fault, and I’d rather have him healthy than risk his life just because of sex.”
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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