Angela* (25) thought marriage would be a fairytale ending to her messy love life. But two years in, she’s learning that marriage is less about romance and more about partnership, patience, and compromise.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, she talks about crying when her husband gave her the silent treatment, growing out of old habits, and why she’s convinced friendship is more important than love.
This is a look into his marriage diary.
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I thought marriage would be a fairytale
Before marriage, I imagined it would be sunshine, roses and fairytale moments. Movies shaped this perception. I grew up on endless proposals and “happily ever afters.” My own love life was messy. I went through a lot, and deep down, I just wanted to be deemed fit for marriage. To be loved enough by someone to be chosen felt like the ultimate validation.
So, when it finally happened, I looked forward to marriage like it was the reward after years of heartbreak. But the reality has been far from the fantasy.
Reality hit harder than I expected
Marriage is more complicated than it looks. It’s work, commitment, self-awareness and most of all, partnership. You’ll struggle if you don’t know how to quickly identify the kind of support your partner needs in certain situations.
The biggest surprise was how much a child changes everything. Nobody talks enough about how children alter the dynamics of a marriage. Once our baby came, we weren’t just lovers or friends anymore. Suddenly, we had to figure out how to be teammates, plan schedules, manage stress, and show up for the child while also showing up for each other. It’s rewarding, but it’s also exhausting.
My husband’s silence made me question if I was ready
Some days, I still ask myself if I was truly prepared for marriage. My husband has a habit of shutting down when he’s upset. Instead of talking, he just frowns, stays silent, and carries the unhappiness around the house.
Those moments put such a strain on the atmosphere that I would cry out of frustration. I’d feel childish, sitting in our bedroom and wondering, “Is this really what I signed up for? “How can I be crying because my husband won’t talk to me? “
We’ve had to learn each other’s communication styles. I realised I’m not always empathetic in conversations. I grew up in a home where bluntness was normal, so sometimes I say things that come across as harsh when it’s just ordinary to me. He’s different. He’s more sensitive, and it used to surprise me when he’d take offence at what I thought was harmless talk.
Now, I try to think before I speak. If I’m unsure how something will land, I hold back until I find the gentlest way to say it. It’s not always easy, but it helps. He’s eight years older, so I also try to respect that, even if I don’t think age matters in marriage.
Marriage has forced me to grow
I’ve changed so much since we started dating. Back then, I was still a depressed young girl searching desperately for love. He was my first real love; we met when I was only 14, and I held on to that love until I was old enough to act on my feelings. And I was a mess when we finally became an item. I used to cry whenever it was time to leave his place during visits. I would cry again if he had to go to work while I was around. Sometimes, I clung to his boxers in my sleep to “hold him down” so he wouldn’t run away.
Now, I don’t do those things. I still cry when I miss him, but it’s different. Marriage has made me stronger, more grounded, and more secure in who I am. I’ve grown spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.
Understanding the differences in how we were raised has also been eye-opening. I’ve started unlearning things from my upbringing that don’t serve me. I know what I want to pass down to my children and the kind of mother I want to be.
Learning to compromise changed everything
The hardest compromise has been learning to let things go. Before marriage, “forgive and forget” wasn’t in my dictionary. I could forgive sometimes only because God says we must, but forgetting? Never. I’d brood over things endlessly. My husband, on the other hand, forgives quickly but also doesn’t forget. We couldn’t both be that way, or our marriage would drown in resentment. So I had to step up, lighten my heart, and truly let go.
I’ve also surprised myself in other ways. I used to be the “I don’t cook, I don’t clean” kind of girl. I swore I wouldn’t conform to traditional wife expectations. But today, I cook and clean like my life depends on it, and the funny part is, I enjoy it. Cooking has become one of my joys, and cleaning gives me peace.
It sounds silly, but coming home to a spotless space makes me feel good. And my husband notices. He cooks and cleans sometimes, but let’s be honest: men often aren’t as good at these things. So why fight it? It’s worth it. The food is good, the house is clean, and our marriage is easier because I embraced it.
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Love is the glue, but it’s not enough
If marriage has taught me anything, it’s that love alone can’t sustain it. But marriage would crumble without love, too.
I heard on the ISWIS podcast that you need to be with someone who loves you and likes you as a person. That stuck with me. Because when love feels distant, when you’re tired, angry, or overwhelmed, it’s the like that carries you through. Like is what breeds patience, empathy, and perseverance.
I used to think my husband was perfect—too good to be true. Marriage showed me he isn’t; he has flaws, blind spots, and times he messes up. That realisation broke my fantasy, but it also grounded me. I’ve learnt to cut him slack, to allow space for mistakes, because he’s human, just like me.
Ultimately, my confidence in our marriage is that we were friends first. When the spark fades and the stress sets in, friendship is what keeps you sane. Love is important, but the like — the friendship — will last into old age, when all you can do is sit side by side and keep each other company.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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