Ajara* (47) didn’t grow up believing in love or happy marriages. With a childhood marked by a strict, abusive father and a fearful mother, her only impression of marriage was one of survival. But 18 years into her union, she’s learning that not all men are like her father.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, she opens up about entering marriage with fear, unlearning toxic ideas about gender roles, and how her husband’s gentle love helped her grow into her own person.
This is a look into Ajara’s marriage diary.
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I grew up fearing men and marriage
I didn’t think I’d ever get married. The picture I had of marriage while growing up was terrible. My dad was a very “tough” man. I say tough, but what I really mean is terrifying. He ran the house like a soldier running a battalion. Everyone was jittery around him, including my mum.
I remember one particular day from my secondary school years. I came home and found my mother deep in thought, looking unhappy. I sat beside her and, without thinking, blurted out, “Why did you even marry a man like this?” On a normal day, she would’ve snapped at me for being rude, but that day she just said, “You, just be looking. You’re a child. You can’t understand.”
That moment stuck with me. I kept thinking: What would make someone willingly stay in a situation that made them this miserable? It planted a deep distrust in me not just for marriage, but for men entirely.
That fear and resentment followed me everywhere. I didn’t talk to boys in secondary school. I avoided them. I wasn’t interested in friendships or relationships. When I got to polytechnic, I stayed out of social circles completely. There were no parties or hanging out. I was just focused on school. Naturally, guys stayed away, too. Some still tried, but I was already getting the S.U. tag, and I didn’t care. I wore it proudly.
I said yes to marriage because I didn’t know what else to do
After I finished NYSC, most of my friends were engaged or had kids. Back then, the next step after education — especially for women — wasn’t to build a career. It was to get married. I didn’t have a job waiting. My parents had also started pressuring me. So I started wondering if maybe marriage was what was supposed to come next.
A friend introduced me to her elder brother, who was also looking to settle down. He seemed gentle and respectful, so I agreed. But even though he looked nothing like my father, I had already conditioned myself to expect the worst. I didn’t even go into the marriage with love. I was preparing for war. I told myself, “If he tries to beat me, I’ll beat him back.”
It didn’t occur to me that I could leave if things got bad. In my mind, marriage was a battle you entered with full armour. That was how I prepared for my own, not with flowers and romance, but with defence tactics.
But 18 years later, this man has never laid a finger on me. He’s never even raised his voice. That alone still surprises me every single day.
I thought my husband was too good to be true
My first real shock came when I got pregnant. This man started going to the market. He cooked. He helped around the house. That kind of behaviour wasn’t just surprising. It was suspicious. I was scared. I kept thinking, What if people say I’m controlling him? What if his family starts accusing me of making him “less of a man”?
My mother didn’t help either. She came for omugwo and when she saw how involved he was, she was furious. She started a fight with me, accusing me of domesticating him. But when she realised that I wasn’t forcing him, that this was just who he was, she went quiet.
Still, I struggled to adjust. I wasn’t used to being cared for like this. I even found myself picking fights with him because I felt he wasn’t letting me do my “wifely duties.” In my mind, I feared people would say I wasn’t pulling my weight. It took a long time for me to stop seeing his kindness as a trap and start seeing it for what it was. Real, quiet, and consistent love.
We’ve fought about parenting more than anything else
Our biggest fights have always been about the kids. He thinks I’m too hard on them. I think he’s too soft. I believe children need structure, firmness, and sometimes discipline. That belief comes directly from my upbringing whether I like it or not.
My husband doesn’t share that. He thinks children respond better to calm correction, that we don’t need to raise our voices or scare them into obedience. But I keep thinking about how kids grow up and blame their parents for everything. They’ll say, “You didn’t train me well,” or “You ruined my life.” That fear makes me stricter.
There have been countless arguments—I can’t even remember them all—but they’ve reduced now. The kids are older and can decide for themselves. When we disagree on handling something, we both speak, and the kids choose whose advice they want to follow. It’s not perfect, but it works.
I’ve also had to accept that not everyone grew up like I did. My husband didn’t live under a military-style home, so I can’t expect him to raise our kids that way. Just like I’ve had to unlearn, I’m learning to meet him halfway.
My husband built the version of me I didn’t know I could be
When I got married, I thought that was it for me; I’d be a wife, maybe have kids, and that’s all. But my husband didn’t let that happen. He insisted I go back and complete my HND. He pushed me to find work. When I said I wanted to learn tailoring, he paid the fees and encouraged me.
He’s helped me reinvent myself at different stages of my life. He always says, “If I’m not here, does that mean you won’t be able to do anything for yourself or the children?” That question stayed with me, and it still does.
Over the years, he’s battled several illnesses. He’s still here, but not as strong as he used to be. I don’t know what the future holds. But whatever happens, I know I wouldn’t be half the woman I am today without him.
Love doesn’t have to be in the room
People say love is everything in a marriage, but I don’t believe that. My parents didn’t love each other, yet they stayed married, raised a family and lived their lives. They were functional, if not happy.
I didn’t enter my marriage in love, but I’ve stayed in it because this man earned my respect. He gave me peace. We built trust, friendship, partnership, and love along the way.
I believe two people can have a good marriage even if they don’t start out madly in love. With cooperation, empathy and commitment, you can still raise a family, support each other, and live a meaningful life together. Love is a gift, but it’s not the foundation. For us, respect and mutual effort built something even stronger.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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