When Rasheedat* (64) got married in 1985, she wasn’t in love with her husband, but that wasn’t unusual for her generation. She entered marriage with the same understanding she’d grown up seeing: a man and woman fulfilling their roles, raising children, and building a home together. Over three decades later, she reflects on caring for the man who once carried their home, how patience and mutual respect have kept her marriage intact and why she still believes love isn’t the foundation for a lasting marriage.
This is a look into Rasheedat’s marriage diary.
Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.
Marriage was always about duty, not love
Growing up, I never thought marriage was supposed to be rooted in love. My parents were proof. My mum didn’t marry my dad for love, at least, I never saw anything that looked like romantic love between them. They weren’t enemies, but they didn’t express affection the way people expect today. Their connection was service: my mum took care of the home and the children, and my dad provided. That was it.
In our time, that was the model we saw everywhere. Among my uncles, aunties, and even my older sisters, marriages weren’t built around love. The question was never, “Do you love him?” It was, “Can he provide? Will he take care of you?” And if the answer was yes, you said yes.
By the time I got to marrying age, my view of marriage was simple; I’d serve my husband, bear his children, and he’d do his part as a man. That’s what I prepared myself for. Love was a luxury, not a requirement.
I went into marriage knowing exactly what to expect
I met my husband when I was 24, and by then, I already knew what I wanted, or at least, what I’d been taught to want. He was 8 years older, worked a stable job, and carried himself like a serious man. That was enough. We married in 1985, and from the start, I stepped fully into the role I’d seen my mother play: I cooked, cleaned, raised children when they came, and met his needs in the bedroom.
He, on the other hand, did his part. He provided, paid the bills, and never shirked his responsibilities. On paper, it was a good arrangement. In reality, it was lonely. We barely spoke beyond practical matters. He was always at work, and when he came home, it was food, newspapers, sometimes sex, and sleep. No shared conversations or laughter, just routine.
There were days I considered running to my parents’ house to hide. I remember visiting my parents one weekend and feeling physically sick at the thought of going back on Sunday night. I lingered, hoping no one would notice, but my mother did. When she asked why I was dragging my feet, I didn’t know how to tell her I was bored and starved of companionship.
Eventually, I hinted that my husband and I barely interacted. Her reaction was blunt: “You won’t solve the problem by coming to hide in my husband’s house.” She insisted I return, and I went home in tears.
A child changed everything
Nothing shifted between us until I had our first child. That little boy became the glue we needed. Suddenly, we had reasons to talk about the baby, his milestones, and the day-to-day needs of a family. Laughter slowly crept into our home. It wasn’t romance, but it was companionship.
Still, marriage wasn’t always smooth. At one point, I even thought about leaving him. Divorce wasn’t common back then, but it happened; three of my close friends who married around the same time as me walked away from their husbands. Men abandoned their responsibilities, women realised they could do more than serve men, and society was changing. I was tempted to join that group, but my mother talked me out of it. She reminded me of the stability I had, even if it wasn’t perfect. That conversation kept me in my marriage.
Now, looking back, I think the real surprise isn’t that we stayed together without love, it’s that we stayed together at all. Over three decades and counting.
Marriage is a series of gains and losses
Spending most of my life as a stay-at-home wife and mother has been both a blessing and a sacrifice. On one hand, I sometimes wonder what my life could have been if I’d built a career, travelled more, or lived for myself the way younger women do now. On the other hand, I see my children thriving, achieving things I couldn’t, and I feel proud.
Marriage taught me that in every season — the good, the bad, and the in-between — you’re either gaining or losing something. The key is choosing which one to focus on. I’ve lost personal independence but gained a strong family unit. I’ve missed opportunities but built a home I’m proud of.
My greatest compromise is staying by my husband’s side
In the last year, my life has been defined by my husband’s illness. It started as typhoid but turned into something more complicated. He’s been bedridden for over a year, and caring for him has become my full-time job.
When our first grandchild was born recently, I should have travelled for omugwo, but I couldn’t leave him. My husband needs me, and while I wanted to hold that baby, I couldn’t bring myself to abandon him in this state. He’s nearing the end of his life; I can feel it.
A few weeks ago, after I’d cleaned and tucked him into bed, he held my hand and kept saying “thank you” over and over until he fell asleep. I cried that night, afraid it was a goodbye. It wasn’t, but I know that day is coming eventually.
I don’t regret staying by his side. My grandson is just starting life, but my husband has been my partner for most of mine. No matter what our marriage lacked, it has given me a life I can’t imagine trading.
Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.
Love isn’t enough, it never was
I’ve lived my whole marriage without romantic love as most people define it today. If love is there, it’s a blessing, but if it’s not, you can still have a solid marriage, as long as there’s respect and commitment. That’s what’s kept us all these years.
Younger people talk about love like it’s the most important foundation. For me, respect has always been the stronger one. Love can fade, change, or never come at all, but respect can carry you through decades, even without fireworks.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
Click here to see what other people are saying about this article on Instagram
