*Tito (28) grew up believing marriage was a battlefield, one where women had to be on constant guard, submit endlessly, and protect themselves from being consumed. But a year into marriage with a man 12 years her senior, she’s slowly discovering that not every love story is out to get you. Some let you thrive in abundance.
This is a look into her marriage diary.
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I expected marriage to be hard, so I prepared for disappointment
Before I got married, I assumed marriage would be mid-level hard. Not a total disaster, but not easy either. Something in between. I’d seen enough around me to believe that happiness in marriage was rare, especially for women. So I came prepared for difficulty, for disappointment, even.
My parents’ marriage was tough. Not violent or abusive, just hard. As a devout Christian, I also had a front-row seat to how women were told to submit; how much they had to shrink themselves to make a home work. Marriage seminars would go on and on about how much sacrifice and patience marriage required, especially for women. The man’s ego always had to be preserved. They would give examples of bad marriages, list out all the things that could go wrong, and then randomly end with, “But your marriage can be beautiful if xyz.” It felt contradictory. If 90% of what you’re telling me is about how hard marriage is, why should I believe I’ll be in the lucky 10%?
Even the movies I watched growing up didn’t help. It was either extremely romanticised or just toxic. There was no middle ground. I’ve always been the type of person who assumes I won’t get the best or the worst, just somewhere in the middle. So I prepared for disappointment, just in case.
The biggest surprise? I’m thriving
What surprised me most about marriage is that I’m thriving in it. People often say that marriage doesn’t change anything — that it just continues the relationship — but for me, it deepened everything. My husband and I became better friends and better lovers.
When we got married, I was 28 and he was 40. During the dating phase, the age gap never felt like a problem. We were aligned on all the important things. If anything, I was the one who saw it as a big deal because I’d never dated someone more than three years older. I feared that once we got married, the dynamic would shift. That he’d stop needing to impress me and start playing the “husband” role, which in Christian circles often doubles as “master”.
But that didn’t happen. He remained a partner. My family and friends didn’t really have issues with the age difference either. We attended the same church, and many people already knew and trusted his character. Plus, the difference isn’t so obvious; most people don’t even notice, and they rarely ask.
It took me a while to stop hiding my finances
One moment that really made me question whether I was truly ready for marriage was shortly after the wedding, when my husband asked how much I earned. He already had an idea, but I kept deflecting. He eventually expressed disappointment, and I finally told him.
That moment stood out to me because it made me realise how much I was still holding back. I grew up watching my mum do all the financial heavy lifting. She always advised, “You never show men all your cards.” Our lives would’ve been so different if she didn’t have her own money. So I grew up believing financial transparency was dangerous, that it made me vulnerable.
I’ve had to do a lot of work to settle into the reality of marriage. I’ve now read about five books on marriage, including John Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” I also watch videos of Christian couples who share my values. All of this helps me reflect and slowly shape the kind of marriage I want.
But more than anything else, my husband has made it easier. He’s a good man. He never hassled or berated me for being guarded. He’s allowed me to ease into things at my own pace. He doesn’t push. He simply exemplifies what he wants, and that has helped me lower my walls. I’ve prayed a lot too, and I believe that’s played a big role in how far I’ve come.
I didn’t know how to argue, and marriage forced me to learn
My husband and I don’t argue much. But when I get upset, my default is to withdraw. I go quiet and emotionally check out. On the other hand, my husband tries to lighten the mood; he’ll crack jokes or start talking about something random to cheer me up. Sometimes, it works. But not always.
I remember one particular time he travelled, and he stayed longer than I was comfortable with. There was no clear plan for when he’d return, and I was really upset. I didn’t take his calls for a whole day.
When we finally spoke, he didn’t shout or guilt-trip me. He simply said, “No matter what, we must talk every day.” Then he calmly explained the situation and reassured me. That moment shifted something for me. It reminded me that no matter how upset I am, emotional absence doesn’t help either of us.
Now, I try to stay emotionally present, even during conflict. I’m still learning to express myself with words instead of withdrawal. Since I communicate better through writing, I often send long messages explaining my feelings. It’s not perfect, but it’s progress.
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I feel safe for the first time, and it’s changing me
Marriage has helped me become less guarded. I’ve relaxed into myself in ways I never thought possible. I feel like I’ve gained parts of myself, especially my femininity. I never really felt safe enough to embrace that before.
I don’t know if it’s his age, his personality, or both, but my husband has influenced how I see myself in the marriage, and it’s all been positive. His patience and maturity have created a space where I feel safe letting my guard down.
The day after our wedding, we returned from church, and he handed me his phone. No ceremony, no drama. He quietly gave me the passwords to his social media accounts, bank apps, and anything else he could think of. He showed me how much money he had in naira, dollars, and pounds and then said, “You should know everything.”
What struck me was that he never asked for mine. It was such a quiet but powerful expression of trust. He’s like that about everything — where he goes, what he does, who he’s with. He speaks so highly of me, too. Once, one of his friends asked him how marriage was going, and he said he got more than he thought he would. He says similar things to family members and friends. It’s not for show. It’s who he is.
Love is beautiful, but it’s not what sustains a marriage
If I could go back and give my unmarried self one piece of advice, I’d say: relax. Other people’s negative testimonies are not your testimony. You’re not as far from the good end as you think.
Still, I don’t believe love alone is enough to sustain a marriage. I think a marriage can survive without romantic love, but not without responsibility, respect, and commitment. Love is beautiful—it’s the icing on the cake—but the real work is in how you show up, support, communicate, and serve each other. That’s what holds things together when feelings waver.
That understanding has helped us navigate some of our biggest compromises, especially when it comes to pace. With our age gap, we naturally want different things. He’s focused on stability and long-term planning, even retirement. Meanwhile, I’m thinking of all the exciting things we can still explore together right now. I’m seeking adventure.
There are times I’ve had to move faster than I wanted. Other times, he’s had to slow down. But maybe that’s why we’re in each other’s lives, to help each other find a balance that works not just for one person but also for the marriage. We’ve both grown from that.
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